ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ 𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗥𝗧𝗬-𝗘𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧
─◌✰್ 𝗂 𝖼𝖺𝗇'𝗍 𝖽𝗈 𝗂𝗍

matchatess let us see those arms thoo 👀
> bin.there.done.that leave me alone 😒
> matchatess @bin.there.done.that hello ur so mean...
> cheesecakehannie @bin.there.done.that bro be nice??
> ryerye @cheesecakehannie he's being extra mean today 🙄
> ramenoodlaska @matchatess okay but i wanna see his arms too tho 😁
                    > matchatess @ramenoodlaska right?? SHOW US MUSCLE GOD!
> catdad_lee @matchatess @ryerye @ramenoodlaska don't you already have guys whose arms you can look at? 🤨

dingdonghong staying hydrated slay
> sk8terjj our resident healthy girlie isn't here to comment 😅
> ramenoodlaska @sk8terjj girl shh! 🤫
> robin_is_a_penguin @dingdonghong yeah sometimes i forget to drink water all day so i'm not the target audience for your comment
> sunshine.lix @robin_is_a_penguin yeah idk how you do that you live off bean juice lol ☕️
> ramenoodlaska @sunshine.lix you're such a tiktok kid babe 🤣

changaroo97 wait how did i not know there was a gym here wtf
> nomnominnie no bc we've just been working out in the middle of the clearing what the hell 😃
> mymymy @nomnominnie i haven't minded the view at all 👀
> ryerye @mymymy hehe me neither 😌💅
> matchatess @mymymy @ryerye hotties with bodies am i right 😉
> catdad_lee @changaroo97 @nomnomnnie why was i never invited to these clearing workout sessions?
> changaroo97 @catdad_lee well you always ditched us to workout with @bin.there.done.that . ig we should've known you went somewhere more cushy...
> nomnominnie @catdad_lee plus i thought you said you didn't want to workout with us...

Changbin's breath came in short, labored gasps.

This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. You couldn't be leaving. Leaving him.

His chest burned, heart thudding so hard he thought he might pass out. He blinked rapidly, desperately trying to see the ground in front of him, to no avail. A crisp golden leaf drifted down, and landed on his shoulder. He growled, and swiped a hand at it, vision fading with every movement.

He staggered over to the stoop of his cabin and collapsed, ripping his scarf off and tossing it to the ground next to him. Fuck, he couldn't breathe. He couldn't think, couldn't... function.

"Changbin??" Robin hurried over to him, a concerned look on her face, brows furrowed. He waved her away with a shaky arm, and she sighed. Turning away, she gave a shrug to the others as she went. There was no way he could handle talking to anyone, not in this state.

"Changbin, where did Lanhua go??" That was Mya. "You have to go after her! We need her, please!"

He whirled around from his spot on the stoop, and her eyes widened as she shrunk away, growing smaller in her already tiny frame. "I need a minute, please!" His voice cracked on the last word, and Mya's eyes softened with pity. Shit, he hated that look. He'd been an asshole, and there was no excuse for that. But he would apologize later. If he said anything right now, it would make everything worse.

Fuck, he'd fucked up so goddamn bad this time. How could he have been so happy, just a short while ago? He'd been in a happy, loving relationship, with someone who he could be entirely himself around. You were as open as you ever had been, finally admitting your fears and insecurities. That night under the stars had been his version of paradise. And you'd told him you loved him. And now look where he was. Alone, just as he had been before.

It was all his fault, as always.

Stupid, incompetent, ugly Seo Changbin. He couldn't even keep the one woman who had deigned to look in his direction. Who had accepted him for exactly who he was, no matter his quirks or insecurities. And those stupid insecurities were flooding back, breaching the wall that he'd so carefully torn down, just for you.

But now you were gone. All because of him.

Clearly, all those bullies back in middle and high school had been right about him in the end. He was an idiot who couldn't think before he spoke. And those careless words that spilled out of his mouth, ones that weren't meant to harm, had come back to bite him in the ass, hard. So hard, in fact, that the only thing you could think to do was run away, yet again.

Everything ached. His body, from spending all night searching for Miso. His brain, combined with the breakup from yesterday, and you leaving today, was destroyed. He was growing numb, the sensation spreading over his mind, causing it to shut down.

Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he held them in. Fuck, he couldn't cry. Not now, not when he knew all of his friends were watching him. He'd look like even more of a loser than before, if that was possible. His head dropped into his hands of its own accord, but he didn't have the strength to pick it back up. He closed his burning eyes, letting one single tear drip into the palm. It clung to his cheek, salt stinging his face.

"Bin?"

Chan's voice sounded muffled, almost like he was hearing him through earmuffs. At first, Changbin didn't even lift his head. He didn't want to hear whatever Chan had to say, good or bad.

"What do you want, Chris?" Changbin said heavily, voice scratchy from overuse. God, he needed some sleep. But he knew there was no way that would happen. Not without you by his side.

The man sat down next to him and frowned, a deep look of worry in his eyes. "What's wrong? Where did Lan-"

"She's gone," Changbin replied, his voice breaking once again. "She left."

"What?" Chan paused, staring at him like he was crazy. Had he not seen everything that had just gone down? The moment where Changbin had fucked up? Possibly made the biggest fuckup of his life?

"I fucked up, Chris," Changbin choked out, another tear sliding down his cheek. "I made a huge fucking mistake and she left, and she's not coming back. What the hell do I do?"

"Well, do you want to get her back?" Chan prodded him. "Because if you do, you have to go after her. If you don't..."

He trailed off, the meaning of his sentence hanging unspoken in the air.

Changbin swallowed, his throat dry. He missed you. You'd only been gone for ten minutes, ten painful, awful minutes, and he already wanted you to come back. Not having you with him was like a gaping cavern in his chest that couldn't be filled by anything else. He loved you, for fuck's sake. And you loved him. Or you had, at one point. He'd been confident in your relationship, more than he'd ever been confident in anything before.

But did he want to chase after you?

The more he thought about it, the more he realized just how tired he was. He was tired of you running from him, tired of the thought you might leave at any moment. He thought you'd been happy, content in your relationship. You'd never voiced any concerns about the two of you together, at least since you began dating. You'd said some less than savory things to him in the beginning, but he'd always stayed. He'd never even entertained the thought of leaving you.

He was so exhausted of chasing after you. And while he blamed himself for what he'd said, for being the final nail in the coffin of your relationship, was it really all his fault? Part of him, the stubborn part of him, wanted to say no. If you'd really wanted this relationship, if you really wanted to be with a dunce like him, you would have fought harder. You should have.

"What do you want to do, Bin?" Chan asked again, snapping him out of his thoughts. "You have to follow your heart."

Changbin took a deep breath, and finally met his friend's gaze. The jagged forcefield around his heart, that stubbornness, strengthened, pushing him to decide.

"No Chris," he said, pushing down the screaming inside him to do the opposite. "I think I just need a break from all the chasing. I'm tired of following the girl I'm in love with around like a damn puppy dog! I feel like a fool, running around begging for this gorgeous girl, who's totally out of my league, by the way, to date me. I should have known there was no way she would really want me. Whenever she can, she finds escape route. I know I said some messed up stuff back there, but she didn't even try to hear me out!"

Chan's brow creased further in disapproval, a look that Changbin knew well. But it was usually used for small things, like when Changbin ate the last of the cereal, or stayed up too late (hypocritical on Chan's part, of course). But this time, there was something different about his stare. Something deeper, more serious.

Just as Chan was about to open his mouth and probably hit Changbin with one of his life advice-filled lectures, Felix marched over, and took a seat on Chan's other side, pinning Changbin with a look of such determination, Changbin stiffened. This must be serious business.

"Look, Changbin," Felix began breathlessly. "I heard everything you just said. And while I probably wont be able to change your mind, I need to say something."

"Okay," Changbin grunted, shooting his friend a suspicious look. "Continue."

Felix scooted forward, so he was right next to Chan. "You remember when you and Chan took me to that cafe in Jeju? When I was having a rough time figuring out my relationship Laska, and just needed to clear my head? When I felt like my relationship — felt like I — needed to be perfect, before I could be with her?"

Changbin nodded, mouth dry. He was suddenly thrust back in time, when the three of them had sat in that Jeju cafe, not totally unlike they were now. He felt like he could see where this conversation was going, and he didn't like it.

"Well, you said something to me that day that really stuck with me," Felix continued.

"I did?" Changbin was confused. Since when had he ever said anything meaningful to anyone?

"Yeah. You said, and I quote, "love is imperfect,'. And I've remembered that all throughout Alaska and my relationship. Because even though she and I quarrel, or we disagree about something, I know that I love her, and she loves me. We're literally meant to be together. Sometimes, we're going to fuck up, or maybe even want to quit trying, and run away. That would be the easy solution. But we don't give up on each other. If one is feeling weak, or having a bad day, the other is there to meet them where they're at. It's not always halfway. Sometimes she's tired, sad, feeling only 20%, and I support her the other 80%, so our relationship is always at 100%. And she's there for me when it's the opposite. But you balance each other out." Felix shrugged. "Or, that's how it works for us, at least."

Chan nodded in appreciatively. "I was going to say something similar, but Lix did a better job than me. To be fair, he's the only one in a long-term relationship now, so I guess you should listen to him."

Changbin jerked his head stiffly, not trusting his voice well enough to respond.

Felix was right. He had said that, way back in Jeju. And clearly, his advice had boded well for his friend. Should he listen to his own advice now? Was loving you bound to be imperfect? Was it okay that sometimes, you felt scared and wanted to run away? Could he be your rock, always there to comfort you if something went wrong? Would you be there for him, if he needed the same?

"He's right, Changbin." Mya approached nervously, cautious after Changbin's earlier outburst. He still felt bad about that, but couldn't find it in him to apologize. "I know I'm in a new relationship and all, but if you love Lanhua, you should fight for her!"

"We all know how much she loves you," Tessa called from her spot by the fire pit.

"We're talking like, totally obsessed," JJ chimed in with a small smile.

"It totally makes sense why she would be scared of her feelings for you, especially after she heard what you were saying," Renee mulled thoughtfully. "If the person I was head-over-heels in love with admitted that they thought something I worked really hard on would be a failure, I would assume they didn't believe in me. I get it."

"She got scared," Robin added, as if this hit much too close to home. "But that doesn't mean her feelings are gone." She glanced surreptitiously at Han, who was staring at her with wide, baffled eyes.

Changbin clenched his jaw, hands limp by his sides. Could all these words, the words of his and your closest friends, the people who he trusted the most to tell him the truth, be correct? Were you just scared of your feelings for him, and felt like he'd betrayed you with what he'd said, no matter how well-meaning they might have been?

No. He refused to believe it. He felt his brain dig in its metaphorical heels at the thought, even though his heart swelled with hope. He couldn't bear the thought that he could be to blame for your betrayal, or the failure of yet another relationship. If he could just sit here and blame you, he could play victim. He could wipe his hands clean of all responsibility and say, "it's because she couldn't accept my weird personality. No wonder I'm still alone. I'm such a loser, and all the girls I like don't like me back." Instead of taking responsibility for what he'd done, he could just say it was your fault.

He ignored all the hopeful eyes staring at him, the painful jabs to his heart. The hollow feeling in his gut. And he said,

"If she wants to be with me so damn bad, let her come back on her own. How about that for a change?"

laska's note —
oh changbin... i guess we see where the scene from the prologue came from now. he, understandably, had a very hard time when lanhua left him, presumably to head home and not speak to him again. he's been lashing out at his friends all day now, and they're still sticking by his side. but it looks like he's letting his own pride get in the way of a potentially amazing relationship. seeing felix give his friend the same advice he gave back in jeju is so bittersweet, i wonder if changbin will ever find the strength to listen to it? or will he wait for the slim chance that lanhua will come back on he own, instead of getting his girl himself?

𝖭𝖤𝖷𝖳 𝖴𝖯：
𝟯𝟵 - 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝗿𝗮
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