since the first day

i knew

it would be so much more

every day that passed

my heart told me

you'd be so much more

what had been seconds, minutes and hours forgotten, became days of sorrow and weeks of grieving and months accompanied by solitude.

it took months of mj calling to see if i was okay. after seeing me break down to my lowest, he cared more than he had ever cared for what had just been his mere co worker. it took weeks of eunwoo knocking on my apartment door. after i had told him off at that very door, he kept trying to make me go outside. it took days of his boyfriend moonbin, worryingly coming to offer food since he probably knew from eunwoo i didn't eat when upset.

it took an eternity for my mind to get up and go to mister yoon's house.

"Hey Nari. Come on in."

i gulped as i went inside and instantly started regretting coming.

"Come, one of Sanha's friends is here."

i followed him inside to the kitchen where a familiar face greeted me.

"Rocky?"

he nodded as he signed me a hello. i signed him back hello and he genuinely looked surprised.

"You know ASL?"

"I took it as an elective in high school and genuinely took it seriously."

he smiled but i couldn't. i didn't know rocky was deaf. why hadn't sanha told me? what else hadn't sanha told me?

"I'll let you two to talk. Thank you for the flowers Nari."

rocky smiled and slid a piece of paper towards me.

"You never read the note Sanha left you."

i shook my head.

"Couldn't bring myself to do so. I feel like I still can't."

rocky smiled sadly.

"I think you just don't know everything. You deserve to know."

i looked down at the paper before looking up at him.

"Could you tell me then?"

he nodded and pulled out his phone, standing up and showing me a photo album labeled 'beagle.'

when he pressed on the first photo, i felt my eyes welp up. it was sanha, repeatedly. selfies of him and sanha, a blond boy in the mix. rocky stopped to explain that was jinwoo. then a few pictures past that, it became just sanha in a hospital bed, smiling at the camera, and sometimes he didn't look at the camera or smile. but it was him. my sanha.

rocky set down the phone and began telling me everything.

"I met Sanha through a support group of the hospital. I had known him since he was twelve. That's when he was diagnosed with Jakob's disease. It's pretty rare. It makes someone change drastically. It cause a lot of anxiety, depression, memory loss and it makes you weak. Sometimes he would have spasms and twitches because it causes weird involuntary muscle contractions. He also had fibromyalgia, it's a sensitivity disorder, which made everything hurt ten times worse."

he smiled and looked down at his wallpaper on his phone, a photo of him and sanha.

"He always fought through it. Always smiled. Always made everyone else smile. But there came a day when he was told his time. There were complications with the two illnesses overlapping and there was nothing the doctors could do anymore. He told me he wanted to just end it all and I was worried he would actually... commit suicide."

he looked up from his hands to me.

"And then a few days passed and he was back to normal, even better. He seemed the happiest. Talking about a girl he met at a bus stop. I asked him if you knew about him coming from the hospital every night, he said no. I told him it was wrong to lie yet that little cocky shit—"

i couldn't help but laugh, knowing sanha couldn't have been cocky with just me.

"He said "I'm not lying. Just hiding the truth." So it kept on. He said he took you out for coffee."

he laughed as he signed.

"Dumbass can't even drink coffee, it affects his stomach. He came by one day, told me you guys kissed. And as happy as he was, he began having a mental breakdown, crying and crying. He said he felt terrible because he knew he would leave you. I told him over and over again to tell you but he just couldn't bring himself to do it."

he smirked.

"He told me about how you guys spent the night together and he acted all cocky when nothing even happened."

i smiled, shaking my head at how much sanha babbled on about me. rocky emphasized the words through his hands, a big smile on his face.

"He really loved you."

he shook his head as he pointed at himself and kept communicating with me.

"He never got so close with me or Jinwoo. He blamed it on him being sick, he felt like we pitied him all the time but we just wanted to make sure he was happy. He is— was just 19. He didn't deserve to be sad and you changed that. The last few days he really opened up to us and let go. Thank you for that."

i smiled as he then pointed at me.

"I think you should read the note to know what I don't."

"Did you see him? In the casket?"

he sadly nodded.

"He would have hated wearing that suit."

i swallowed and looked at the folded piece of paper. what could he have written? what could he possibly have to say?

i looked up at rocky and sighed.

"Thank you. I guess I should just get on with it."

i took the pink paper and unfolded it, beginning to read the small handwriting. dummy should have just written in a bigger piece if paper.

"Hey Nari!
Well... I guess this was it. I am currently writing this while you sleep on the other room, crazy right? I don't think you even know you own pink paper, but you do!

I'm only asking for your forgiveness. By now I suppose you know what was going on, I told Rocky hyung to tell you. I didn't want to tell you because I wanted one person to not pity me. I wanted you to know me for me. Yoon Sanha and not Sanha, the kid that's sick. I wanted to be normal and you made me feel normal. Thank you for that.

I'm asking for your forgiveness for making you fall in love with me to only leave you. It was selfish but you made my dream come true: To die happy. But I didn't die completely happy. Because I know I'll miss you in heaven. But I'm willing to wait. But don't you wait for me! Go find yourself another boy to make happy, I won't mind. Love happily and learn to love and care for someone else. Please don't be sad. You made my last days, the best days.

It's okay. I'm not longer in pain.

I'm with mom now, well... I'll be with mom. And I'll get to see Jinwoo too. We will all look after you, I promise.
I love you.

Yours Forever,
Sanha.

Ps. I totally ate your last pudding.
Life's short, hehe!"

the days became fast yet my soul knew

you'd pull me slower through the path

the nights sleepless, my mind scattered

yet your image stayed clear

and as the days became few

and i knew my time was up

you made it seem so much easier...

easier to let go

easier to not be scared

easier to love someone while

letting go