chapter 4.
remember how i died /
when you started walking?

୨୧

KILDARE.
07/2020.

Messy blonde hair dangles from a tree branch, a sheer curtain hiding a toothless smile. it's worn by a young girl who can't be older than eight or nine. a youngest child, her outfit is entirely made out of hand-me-downs; a pair of her brothers gym shorts from elementary school and an old tank top from his best friend. water from a last minute swim drips from the clothing onto the ground below. she can't wait to splash in the mud puddle currently forming.

"josie!" a boys voice shouts, followed by the sound of a motorcycle engine purring. "jo, you here?"

the girl drops from the branch just as he rounds the corner of the house, exhaling at the sight of his little sister in the backyard. "where have you been?"

josephine maybank shrugs. where hasn't she been? "uh, everywhere?"

jj shakes his head. he couldn't get mad at her; he hadn't exactly been around lately, either. "look, i'm going back to dads real quick. need to give him the money for my restitution."

he'd gotten arrested a few days prior for sinking some kooks boat. if you asked josephine, she'd say she'd never been prouder. "how'd you get the money?"

"don't worry about it." jj wasn't about to tell his little sister he had stolen thirty thousand dollars from a drug dealers trailer. he'd traumatized her enough this summer. "you gonna wait here?"

"i'll come." josephine smiles a toothless smile, shoving her feet into muddy flipflops. "i need more clothes. yours and john b's smell." she wrinkles her nose in disgust, earning the middle finger from her brother. the siblings had been staying at the home of jj's best friend, john b, to avoid going back to their asshole of a father. luke maybank was the worst man alive, but josephine was his favorite child. neither sibling knew why she was his best target, but jj knew he would do anything to protect his little sister.

this normally included forbidding josephine from returning to their childhood home, but the sopping wet clothing hanging loosely from her small body had him feeling otherwise. he and john b were the only two from their friend group with old clothing josephine would be caught dead in; popes were 'too nerdy' and kiara was a kook so all her clothes were brand new. she didn't own a single item more than a year old.

jj sighs, defeated; he never could say no to josie. "fine. but stay close, all right?"

josephine bites back a retort about how, duh, she wouldn't be caught dead away from him while at luke's. but one glance at jj's eyes and she swallows the thought, climbing onto the back of his bike and wrapping thin arms tight around her brother. she could feel his pounding heart intensify the closer they got to their fathers home.

jo's own heart stops beating when they arrive.

a police car is parked in the driveway. a bored officer leans against it, while a woman josephine had never seen before is knocking on the front door. jj must sense danger, too, as the first thing he does is turn his bike back on and begin to reverse.

"hey!" the officer shouts, startling both josephine and the lady on the porch. "come back on over." jj curses, showing no sign of obeying, but jo never liked the feeling of getting in trouble, of letting someone else down. so she whispers for him to stop and he listens to her. he always does.

the woman jogs down the porch steps, waving and smiling so bright josephine climbs off the bike. her legs are shaking but the woman is smiling so wide, jo believes she must have good news. maybe luke had died. maybe they were free.

"hi, i'm leslie jacobs." she introduces, shaking hands with a confused jj. "we've received a call about a potentially dangerous home situation, and after keeping a close eye on josephine and luke we believe that—"

jj holds up a hand. "wait, wait. who's we?"

"oh, i'm sorry." the woman chuckles as though he's just told a joke. "i'm with the department of child services. we're here to move forward with placing josephine in foster care."

"woah, what?" jj shouts and jo flinches out of habit. their company must take this the wrong way as the officer no longer looks bored. he approaches the siblings quickly and jo's heart lands in her flip-flops. "you can't just take her!"

"i'm sorry. we believe this is in josephine's best interest." leslie looks over her shoulder and the officer advances, gently taking hold of jo's right arm as though he's afraid it'll snap. she hopes it does. "just for now. we can revisit in a few weeks, and you'll be allowed to remain in contact."

jo's hand shoots for her brother, nails digging into flesh. she draws blood and bares her teeth. "no!" she shrieks, heels planted firmly into gravel. "i'm not going! i won't!"

"i'm sorry, sweetie. say goodbye to your brother." leslie's tone is soothing in a way that makes jo want to rip out her throat. "you're going to be okay. we just want you to be safe."

"i am safe! jj, tell them i'm safe!" but as jo looks to her big brother, he's frozen. he can't move, can't speak, can't help her. the officer is now holding both arms and jo grows desperate. "jj, please! tell them i can stay! i want to stay!"

but what josephine doesn't know is her brother is already in so much trouble with the law, he's afraid to tell them anything. he looks to the social worker, tears in his eyes. josephine's never once seen jj cry and she knows it can't be a good sign. "can i say bye, real quick?"

leslie nods. "of course." she gestures for the cop to let go briefly and he does so, not moving as much as an inch away. he's so close josephine can feel his breath on her shoulders.

jj grabs her, holding her so tight she's afraid she might snap. actually, she hopes she does; at least then she could stay. "i love you, jo. it'll be all right. i'll get you out."

"what?" josephine shrieks, trying to wriggle from his grasp. he doesn't let up. "you're just gonna let them take me?"

"i don't have a choice, j." his voice trembles. "dad won't be able to hurt you anymore, i promise." he holds her small face in his hands and bends to her level. "i'll get you out. whatever it takes, i'll bring you home. it'll be just you and me, okay? i promise."

"when?"

"soon." he presses a trembling kiss to the top of his little sisters head. "soon as i can. it's not forever, just for now."

leslie clears her throat and the officer reaches for josephine once again. she stiffens but does not take her eyes from her brothers. "jj, tell them no!"

"love you, josie." jj steps back, tears clouding his vision. he knows deep down she'll be safer off kildare, but that knowing does little to make this any easier. "see you soon."

"jj! please!" josephine is led into the police car and watches through the back window as her brother and biggest protecter walks away into their childhood home. he doesn't even look back and jo feels her heart die in her shoes. her only comfort is that he had promised her soon, and jj maybank never breaks a promise.

'soon' does not happen for another four years and josephine vows to never let jj forget the first promise he ever broke.

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KILDARE.
06/2024.

Josephine bolts upstairs as soon as they return from the race; she tunes out the teens in the yard fighting over jj betting the last of their gold. she wasn't very shocked; her brother never thought before making serious decisions. jo guessed it would only be a matter of time before the pogues ran entirely out of funds, realize they can't support a seventh person, and ship her back off to foster care.

but jo isn't too worried. in fact, she had expected it since the very moment mel had broken the news. now, the only thing on josephine's mind is that she needs to change the bandaid and make sure no bacteria infested sand got inside.

jo does just that, locking herself inside the upstairs bathroom. its a routine she had grown quite accustomed to: remove old plaster, reopen callous. clean thoroughly with soap and water, hand sanitizer for good measure. apply new bandage. check old one for blood, fluid, or any other signs of infect—

"...and what about josie, huh? have you even thought once about how this could affect her?"

josephine freezes at the sound of her name. she looks towards the far wall, noticing the window is open. she crouches below the sill, straining to hear the heated argument continuing outside.

pope is shouting. "if we have no money, if we can't support her, they're gonna take her away. you just got her back, do you really wanna risk losing her again?" josephine can't remember ever hearing pope shout; she remembers him cheering when she first learned to ride a bike.

"don't talk about my sister, man." jj steps forward, jabbing an accusatory finger against his friends chest. "this isn't about jo, all right?"

"i'm just saying," pope holds up both hands in mock surrender. "she's been through a lot, jj. she needs more support, and—"

"shut up, pope. just-just shut up." he steps away, inhaling sharply as though his stress is causing him physical pain. "look. maybe she has been through a lot, but haven't we all?" he exhales, leaning against john b's van and looking around the group. "josie's home, all right? isn't that all we wanted, all that matters? she's home and she's fine; just a little shy. she'll get over it."

"a little shy?" pope steps forward, meeting jj in the middle. "jj, she wakes up screaming every night." josephine's stomach drops. she wills him to stop but she knows he won't. he's too smart. "she can't go more than an hour without changing that stupid bandaid, she barely says a word, and she won't let a single one of us get closer than a freaking foot!"

jo swallows. she felt exposed. naked, even. since when did jj being a fucking idiot have anything to do with her? she huffs loudly, slamming the window down. the teens look up just in time to watch josephine's silhouette fade from the bathroom.

"way to go, pope." jj scoffs, rushing inside and to his sisters locked bedroom door. he knocks once, "jo?"

"eat a bag of dicks." josephine spits. she didn't know why was so angry, she just was. perhaps it was because her secret wasn't hers anymore; she had been found out. caught.

"look, we didn't mean for you to hear—"

"yeah, no shit."

jj exhales audibly. "okay, whatever. be that way." he leaves, and josephine collapses into a puddle of tears on her violet colored bedspread.

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Josephine didn't sleep that night. how could she? she couldn't risk disturbing the other six teens again. she didn't want to burden them even more than she already had. she'll sleep when she's dead and scream when no one else's around.

when john b rudely bursts through the door the next morning, ranting about some old guy they were meeting on goat island, jo immediately crosses her fingers behind her back, hoping he does not extend a mandatory invitation. she could sleep once they left.

this wish does not come true; soon, josephine is unhappily perched on the back of john b's small boat, nearing the small island. kiara squints as the land comes into view, "do you guys know anyone that's been here? 'cause i don't."

"nope." jj shakes his head, followed by john b.

"hey sarah, you must know somebody who's been here, right?" pope guesses. "i mean, like, all kooks... they know each other, they go to the same parties."

"are you kidding me?" sarah turns up her nose. "you've heard the rumors, right?"

"oh yeah, about the daughter." jj chimes. "that she drowned with her baby? that's what i heard."

"i heard that too." kiara adds, "but i heard that she was possessed first or something."

"and then i heard that was all bullshit because, what?" pope turns to shoot a look at the couple.

josephine takes a deep breath before chiming in. "and just why are we doing this again?"

"we need the money." pope and sarah inform simultaneously as the boat nears the dock. the former adds, "this place's been around for two hundred years and they still don't have a road that doesn't go underwater twice a day." kiara eyes a weary man holding a shovel waiting on the dock. "check in and you don't check out."

the man ties them off as they come to port. "welcome to blackstone."

jj clears his throat as the man leads them further onto the property, still holding his shovel in one hand. "so, uh...what you been digging?"

"ditches."

"ditches." jj repeats lowly, looking over his shoulder to spy josephine walking at the back of the group. they hadn't spoken since the previous day, when she overheard him and pope arguing and told him to eat a bag of dicks.

kiara tries to make light of the awkward situation, chuckling nervously. "at least it's not graves."

"all the same to me."

"what?" kiara raises an eyebrow, eyes widening as she slows. she falls into step beside jo who mutters under her breath. "why would he say that?" john b scratches at the back of his neck. "uh, so, how long have you been working for mr. genrette?"

"as long as i can remember." the man pauses sinisterly, leading the teens up a set of porch stairs. he stops at the top, pointing to a looming front door. "there." jj walks ahead, leading the group towards the house. josephine wearily looks around. she hoped they wouldn't be here long; she needs to change the bandaid.

jj knocks on the door. "hello! anyone home?" he pauses, turns back to his friends. "oh, just a quick fyi. they drug you before they chop you up, so don't eat or drink anything." josephine widens her eyes and cleo notices the girls weary look. "not funny."

"yeah, guys, i think i've changed my mind about this one." sarah speaks and jo has never been so grateful for a kook in her life. the younger blonde softly voices her agreement, "yeah. i-i really don't wanna be here."

kiara nods. "same. can we go?"

"i admit, the risk-reward is very off." pope agrees just as jj steps back from the door, warning, "hey, someone's coming."

josephine looks over her shoulder; the gardener is still staring, shovel in one hand. she presses her thumbnail into the pad of her index finger and tries to ignore her pounding heart. fight or flight, fight or flight.