In times like this, Jimin wished he was back home and could talk to his boyfriend about this, cuddle with him as they ate ice cream.

But he was stuck directing his group and practicing with them. In any other situation, he'd love to be doing this. Every competition is filled with excitement and hope, but not today. Jungkook kept trying to talk to him and he'd have to make himself busy to not look at him or talk to him. But even as he kept himself busy, he wondered if maybe others in the company knew about Jungkook's relationship. Was he the only one that didn't know?

He felt Jungkook's eyes on him, and Jimin felt as if they were somehow trying to keep him away from the truth.

He wondered what Yoongi was doing.

Good thing he didn't know. Yoongi was smoking in his house, inhaling the nicotine he barely ever touched as he grew onto a nicotine buzz. Jimin didn't like that he smoked.

"I don't know what to tell you Doc, I'm doing fine."

"Yes, but you've missed two of our appointments." The woman sighs as she crosses her legs as she sits on a couch chair opposite to Yoongi. "You know I have to come check on you if you don't show. And if you're feeling well, you have to come to let me know through these sessions. You're on our high risk list."

"I'm sorry." Yoongi takes another swing at his cigarette. "Since the shooting, I've actually been doing well."

The woman takes note, "Want to update me on your life? Last time we spoke you had admitted to yourself you liked Jimin."

"Yeah, we're dating now."

She looks worried as she narrows her eyes. "Does Jimin know about your anxiety and depression?"

"Yes." He takes a swing at his cigarette again and the therapist is quick to ask another question.

"Does he, or any of your friends at that, know about you almost—"

"No." Yoongi shakes his head as smoke comes out of his mouth. "No, they don't."

She sighs as she puts down her notebook and takes off her glasses. "Have you done anything that I told you could help advance your burden?"

"I talked to all of them about how I'm seeing you. I reconnected with my brother after taking care of Lily." He takes a deep breath in as he puts out the cigarette on his ceramic ash tray. "And I plan on visiting my parent's grave soon."

She takes a deep breath in as she thinks of something she had forgotten to ask. "Have you been avoiding taking the medication to only when necessary?"

Yoongi nods as he looks up, thinking. "I can't even remember when was the last time I took it. A few months back when the project first started up."

The therapist finally smiles. "You've done a lot of progress Mister Min, I can't begin to tell you how proud I am."

"Oh don't get all sappy with my Doctor Ahn." Yoongi chuckles as he stares at the cigarette he put out only half way.

"You may just call me Hyejin, you know I hate patients being formal with me." Hyejin looks at the cigarette then back at Yoongi. "I know you well enough to know something is bothering you."

The blue haired boy scratches the back of his neck. "Yeah, I may have done something bad Doc."

"Heyjin."

"Whatever..." Yoongi sighs as he looks up, across  the street from his window at his neighbor and boyfriend's house. "See, Tae and Jimin's friend Jungkook were keeping a secret from everyone. Hoseok, Jungkook's roommate, sort of found out by accident so he was the only one that knew." He turned to his therapist, a worried expression on his face. "We kinda had Taehyung confess what he was hiding and Jimin was the only one that didn't know, so I told him."

"Why do you think that is wrong?"

"Well, it was a secret that wasn't for me to tell and I can tell Jimin was upset when I told him over the phone." Yoongi sighs as he wonders if Doctor Ahn will take note if he takes another cigarette out. 

"I understand why you feel this way, but don't you think that if you didn't tell him and it took Jungkook a while to tell him and Jimin found out you knew, he would be more upset?" She closes her notebook as she smiles. "Want me to lend you in on a secret that is kind of unprofessional for me to tell you?"

"Not sure if I should accept knowing it is unprofessional but hey, breaking rules." Yoongi chuckles as he shrugs. "What do you got Do-- Hyejin?"

She smiles and points at her notebook. "When your parents died and your brother made you come to me, I passed your report as I usually do with other professionals. Being the only opinion can be a bit biased. You want to know what many thought?"

Yoongi shakes his head. "Not really, they probably thought I was insane."

"Quite the opposite. They thought you were numb. That you had developed an antisocial disorder."

At that, the boy frowns and his small smile leaves his face. "They thought I was a sociopath?"

"Not all antisocial disorders mean that, but yes." She stands up and sits next to Yoongi. "Mister Min, you realize that when you came to me, you never reacted to anyone's injuries or them in general. You never understood the pain of others but yourself's and you never cared truly for your friends for what seems to me a long four months. You thought it was just convenient to have them around." Hyejin places her hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "Many thought you had somehow developed this because of your parents' deaths. But I knew you were just--"

"Depressed?"

Hyejin nods. "Yoongi, despite all that, you always asked if that was normal, if things were okay, if by any chance, you were doing something wrong. That meant you were self aware. I know you think you are doing something wrong because you're scared of going back to being that numb self, but instead of asking me, why don't you ask your friends for advice?"

Yoongi scoffed, annoyed. "I hate when you're right."

"I am the professional after all." She smiles as she she stands up, looking at her watch. "I really must get going to my next appointment. Please show up to your next appointment. It is, hopefully, your last check up with the psychiatrists." 

Yoongi frowns as he stands up. "L-Last? Why? Am I being transferred to a ward or something? I'm not going to a fucking looney bin, Doc."

Hyejin laughs as she grabs her purse off the floor, reminiscing on all the times she would have to pick it up quickly as she was being kicked out, "No Yoongi," She smiles as she grabs onto the doorknob and turns to him. "You're off the high risk list. You'll only be meeting with psychiatrists if I seem that is necessary after that. You're recovering just fine."

Just like that, the therapist goes out the door and Yoongi can't bring himself to smile. If he was recovering, then why did he feel guilty still?

Hoseok remembered the party at Yoongi's, actually, before the party. How he felt jealous of Jimin's and Jungkook's closeness and how he always felt like a third wheel. But lately, that feeling had faded. He watched Jimin as he directed others, a frown over his face. Would Jimin feel that way if Jungkook told him suddenly that he was the last person to know? He would probably feel terrible. 

Hoseok quickly makes his way to Jungkook, knowing their groups were on break so that Jimin's could practice on stage. "Hey, we need to talk." He grabs his arm and looks around to make sure no one is listening. "Now."

Jungkook follows him as they walk to a corner, keeping close and low voices. "What is it?"

"Have you told him yet?"

"No, he's been really busy with his group," He sighs as he looks over at Jimin directing. "You know how he gets with this stuff."

"Okay, good. Don't."

Jungkook frowns as he turns back to his friend. "What? You were the one that told me to tell him as soon as I could."

"Yeah, and then I realized that if you don't have a good enough excuse as to why he's the last to know, he'll freak out."

"Why do you think that?"

"Cause that's what I would do." Hoseok almost looks sad as he tries to empathize with what Jimin may feel, and to his unknowing self, what he was feeling. "I don't wanna lie to Jiminie, but he'll be hurt if he knows everyone knows before him. And he definitely won't believe everyone found out by accident."

"What the heck am I supposed to say then?" Jungkook searches for answers in his head as he looks over at Jimin on the stage. Unfortunately, Jimin lands his eyes on Jungkook and the two make eye contact. Jungkook immediately looks away. "Fuck, he just looked at me and instead of acting all natural I freaked out."

"Goddamnit Jungkook, this is why you suck at mafia."

Jimin turns back to his group, anger in his eyes. His group jumps at the sudden shout, "Again! If I see another mistake, I'll make sure I set up a stage at the hotel so you're spotless for tomorrow's competition!"

Jimin gritted his teeth as he pushed through the pain, somehow, his ankle hurt more than yesterday. He shakes his head as he gets in position, clapping as a music cue. 

The show must go on.

~ i need to go back to every chapter and add a gif like i use to

a/n: hi. you don't have to read this if you don't want to. i just kinda need to vent to strangers. this whole quarantine has my anxiety through the roof. i'm bad at keeping conversation and none of my friends have been regularly talking to me, and even my boyfriend seems distant. i know deep down that it's just me overthinking stuff because of all this free time but i cant help feeling so alone. i wish i had online friends like so many of you do. i wish i could talk to someone nonstop and they wont ignore me for hours or reply so dryly because they're bored of talking to me 24/7. i wish i could talk about how alone i feel without being told "everyone is probably feeling that way" every time. i wish i could have the positivity i had when all this started and keep writing without wanting to kill off a character (don't worry i'm not killing off anyone) i just wanna go back to writing chapters that make me smile while i type or make me cry in a good way. i miss being able to make you guys feel something and lately i feel like i'm not doing that. sorry, rant over. and if you read this, thank you for carin.     -author, alissa.

(ps. please dont call me author or author nim, just call me alissa or if you feel weird being informal, miss ali works)