yeonjun leaned on the window, his eyes fixed on the blurry street outside. it was yet another day he had left school without soobin. the chatters of the students on the bus felt annoying. after all, amidst all the voices in the world, there was only one he wanted to hear—soobin's.

he closed his eyes, trying to block out the noise. his mind drifted back to the old days. memories came rushing in.

"soobin, push the swing higher!"
"no, jun! you'll fall! your hands are already touching the leaves!"
"it's okay to fall! i'm having funn! plea- WOAH!"
soobin had pushed the swing hard enough to make yeonjun soar high. for a split second, he looked like he was flying. he tumbled off the swing and landed on the grass. laughter made it's way out of his mouth, a huge smile plastered on his face, inspite of the fact that soobin had rushed over, panicked.
"are you okay? i told you you'd fall!" he scolded yeonjun, his eyes scanning for any sign of injuries.
yeonjun grinned up at him, standing up while brushing the dirt off his clothes. "you worry too much! i'm fineee!"
their eyes locked for a moment and they burst out laughing.

fifteen years ago. we've been friends for eighteen years already? wow. we've basically grown up together!         

the bus halted to a stop, snapping him out of his trance. yeonjun blinked as he realised he had reached the lane towards his home.

he got down the bus, humming a tune, slightly smiling at the memories. when he reached home, he unlocked the door with a spare key, dropped his bag on the ground and plopped on the sofa. the house was quite— his mother was at work, and he was grateful for the solitude.

he switched on the tv and got some snacks from the kitchen. finding nothing interesting, he made way towards his bedroom after switching off the tv with a sigh. he flopped into the bed, staring at the ceiling. the memories started flooding back.

"yeonjun! stop! it's raining!"
"well, we have to leave, you idiot. school's over, gate's closed."
"wait, let me just—"
but yeonjun had already run off into the rain. "this is amazing, soobin! come, join! don't be a spoilsport!"
soobin was less enthusiastic. putting the bag over his head, he ran to join his friend. obviously, the bag didn't help much. the downpour was heavy and both of them were absolutely drenched.
"what's the point of letting your hands ache, soobin? we're drenched anyway, let's have some fun hayah!" he said, jumping into a puddle.
"you're impossible, you know that?"
"yep!" the older said, cheekily.
yeonjun kept jumping into the puddles like a child while soobin tried to escape the dirt being splashed. at one point, he stopped walking, staring at his weird best friend.
"what?" questioned the shorter.
"nothing, you're just... ridiculous."
"ridiculously fun! hah!" he grabbed soobin by his arm to keep him walking.
by the time they reached yeonjun's house, both of them were shivering, their clothes stuck to their skin. soobin sneezed loudly, making yeonjun laugh.
"you think this is funny, fox? this is your fault!"
"awww, don't be mad, bunny. you're cute when you're mad." he giggled, draping a towel over his shoulders. "stay here, go home when you're dry. it's the next building anyway."

yeonjun snapped out the memory yet again as he felt a sharp pain in his chest. the ache grew and he immediately knew what was going to happen. he crumpled in his bed, the pain unbearable, his hands clutching at his shirt as his breathing grew ragged. he felt like someone was forcefully squeezing him through a rubber tube and had a vice wrapped around his heart, squeezing with every beat. 

he clutched his shirt desperately, his throat burnt as a cough escaped his lips.forcefully, he stumbled off his bed, making way to the bathroom. the coughs grew more violent and sharp. a familiar taste of blood filled his mouth. leaning over the sink, he let out a cough that brought with it a single yellow petals, decorated with crimson.

"no!" he whispered hoarsly, as if saying it aloud would stop the inevitable. but the petals came again, and again, and again.

yeonjun's tears mixed with the red streaks as he slumped on the floor, exhausted.

forcing himself on his feet, he cleared out all evidence. he watched his own reflection, whispering 'pathetic' as he saw his blood stanied mouth, tears decorating his face, hollow lifeless eyes.

he splashed water on his face and limped back to his bed. after resting for a while, he took out a diary from his bag.

his fingers trembled as he picked up the pen and began to write.

the heart wernching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.
that's what i'm suffering from, isn't it?
they said that the only cure is physical removal of the plant. however, i'd lose all the memories of that person.
i chose to live with the pain. would it be better to let it just take me? atleast the pain would end, and i'd watch him from afar.
i wish i could grab his hand and say, "soobin, i love you." i can't.
is it worth all this? loving someone who will never love you back? sometimes, i think just having him in my life, even as a friend, is enough. but then the pain hits, and i wonder if i'm lying to myself. he gives me the feels people write novels about.
i wish he'd look at me the way i look at him. i wish i didn't have to live by social norms and keep my friends happy by sacrificing everything i want.
i'm scared of what's happening to me. loving him was the most exquisite form of self destruction.

>shortest chapter so far but i feel like this holds more emotions than any other. or atleast that's what i tried to show.
>also late + angsty valentine update because i hate love?