"soobin, i love you!" he blurted out.
"w-what?"
"i love you, choi soobin!" he repeated, with more exertion, as if saying it again would make the fear and pain disappear.
"yeonjun, i'm sorry... i can't—"
before soobin could finish, yeonjun's chest constricted painfully. he fell down to his knees, a familiar bitter taste of blood and petals in his mouth. he clutched his chest and coughed painfully. lurching forward, he threw up a handful of delicate yellow and blue petals, swimming in blood. more followed, as his breathing grew ragged.
but soobin's face showed no expression. "you're sick. you're desperate."
yeonjun's eyes stinged. "this- is-isn't you- soobin!" he managed to croak out. "it's not- m-my fault!"
soobin didn't say anything else, but his faint footsteps had answered enough.

"it's not my fault!" yeonjun sat up on his bed, breathing shakily, realising that it was only a dream. he touched his face, just to feel something damp. he brought his fingers in front to check the liquid substance. blood. he looked down at his bedsheets. the worst part of his nightmare had taken the form of reality. there were petals all over the fabric. yellow and blue, drenched in crimson.

"no, no, no!" yeonjun croaked out. his chest tightened again, tears blurred his vision. he laid down, clutching his chest, crying his heart out, hoping it would ease the pain. the petals felt like a cruel mockery of his emotions. fragile yet suffocating, beautiful yet devastating.

why can't this stop? why do i have to feel this way?

somewhere deep inside, a small part of him whispered the truth- the solution. either confess and risk rejection—or to let go of the love entirely.

neither felt possible. and so, the petals continued to fall.   

it had been almost three week since they had known about his sickness. he had had multiple attacks since then but no one knew. everyone thought he was standing strong and fighting the illness. but it was quite the opposite.

yeonjun's eyes fell on the clock. it showed six in the morning. his mother would be popping up in his bedroom in about fifteen minutes. driven my the motivation to keep his frequent attacks a secret, he quickly cleaned his room and got ready for school. 

by the time he was ready to leave, the clock showed seven am. it was early, yet, he decided to leave, just to avoid soobin. he rushed out the front door, almost instantly skidding into a halt. standing right in front of him was soobin. soobin with his soft smile, perfect eyes, bag hanging lazily from his shoulder, shirt tucked in perfectly, hair slightly messed because of the wind... oh, beauty.

soobin's eyes lit up as he saw yeonjun. he smiled widely while saying, "morning! you've been leaving early these days, so i figured i'd catch you today! been a while since we walked to school together."

yeonjun tried to be unfazed by the situation. he let out a hum and started walking. the trip to school was unusually silent. the awkward silence (caw!caw!caw!) didn't feel right.

by the time soobin tried to start a conversation, they had reached school and yeonjun had already scurried off to class.

yeonjun was so lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice songyee bounding up to him with a bright smile.

"yeonjunnn!" she said enthusiastically.

snapping out of his daze, he managed out a small smile. "hey, yeeyee! what's up?"

she pouted, folding her arms. "you've been avoiding us lately! the only time we talk is in class- that too study related!"

"sorry," said yeonjun, scratching his neck. "i have a lot on my mind... and i just don't feel like talking at all..."

her expression softened. "you look like you haven't been sleeping! dumbass!" she pulled out a box from her bag. they were cookies. she took out one and offered it to yeonjun. "here! i made these yesterday. i brought these for soobin, but you look like you need a pick-me-up. so, here!"

yeonjun mentally sighed, but at the same time he was grateful for the offer. he politely accepted the cookie and munched on it. "thanks, yee! this is good!"  she thanked him and left to search for soobin.

shortly after, soobin entered the class and took his usual seat in front of yeonjun's. he turned around and questioned the shorter abruptly.

"are you avoiding me?"

yeonjun's heart skipped a beat. "what? no. why would i?"

soobin raised an eyebrow. "you've been distant lately."

"i've been busy," mumbled yeonjun.

"busy ignoring me? ignoring all of us?" soobin pressed on.

yeonjun clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palm, preventing the tears to roll down his cheeks. "i said i'm not avoiding anyone! can we drop this?"

soobin furrowed his eyebrows in concern, his gaze fixed on yeonjun's trembling form. "i'm just worried about you. if something's wrong—"

"i said drop it!" yeonjun snapped, standing up, his voice louder than intended. everyone in the classroom started looking their way.

soobin flinched at the sudden outburst, taken aback. "jun, i'm not trying to fight. i just—"

"why can't you just leave me alone, soobin?!"

as the words left his mouth, yeonjun felt a sharp pang in his chest. the classroom appeared to be shrinking around him while his breathing quickened. his hands began to shake uncontrollably. he stumbled backward, clutching to soobin's hand, resting on his desk, for support.

"yeonjun?" called out soobin, his voice laced with panic and worry. to yeonjun, it seemed to be coming from somewhere far away.

his chest tightened painfully. his knees gave away, and he collapsed on the ground, gasping for breath.

everyone in class had now noticed yeonjun.

"choi yeonjun is having a panic attack!" someone shouted.

by this time, songyee had entered the class too. "yeonjun!" she cried, rushing to his side. "w-what? someone get the nurse!"

but yeonjun shook his head weakly. "no... just—just give me a moment." but that didn't matter because jaehyun had already sprinted off to the infirmary.

soobin had been continuously whispering comforting words to him. that gave him strength.

"please don't crowd! guys, please! it'll make this worse!"

the classmates obeyed and backed away.

"hey, hey, look at me," soobin said softly, his voice cutting through the murmurs. "just breathe, yeonjun. breathe with me. take a deep breath, now out. okay? slowly."

yeonjun tried to look at soobin, but everything seemed to be sliding out of focus. once soobin noticed this, he cupped yeonjun's face. "hey, hey. breathe... breathe. in and out."

"where's the fucking nurse?" shouted songyee.

just then jaehyun came back, panting. "sister- isn't- there!" he said, in between his breaths.

yeonjun coughed out loud.

"get water or something!" songyee said, voice filled with panic.

soobin didn't break his eye contact with yeonjun. his hands remained steady as he gently stroked yeonjun's cheek, keeping is voice soft and calm. "stay with me. follow my breath. you're okay, jun. i'm right here."

yeonjun's breath came in shaky gasps, but he tried his best to match soobin's rhythm. his chest rose and fell, his breathing slowly becoming normal. his group on soobin's hand loosened slightly.

"i-i'm okay," yeonjun croaked, his voice barely audible.

everyone let out a sigh of relief as songyee hugged him lightly. jaehyun thrusted a bottle of water into songyee's hands. she unscrewed the cap and handed it to yeonjun. "drink this," she urged.

yeonjun accepted it. he took a few sips and leaned against the chair behind him. yet, after all this, his hand never left soobin's. soobin shifted beside him, resting his free hand on yeonjun's shoulder. "you sure you're okay?"

the older nodded, trying his best to not meet soobin's gaze. "yeah... just- need a moment."

-

-

the others had decided not to mention yeonjun's little episode in front of him. and that was probably the best decision they'd taken all day. however, they couldn't help but be overly- concerned for their friend.

they sat at their usual table at the corner. yeonjun poked at his food halfheartedly, not wanting to eat.

"yeonjun, are you going to eat it?" asked beomgyu, noticing the lack of appetite.

"i don't feel like eating" he mumbled.

"but you look like you've been starving plus haven't slept in years!" commented kai.

"that's his natural face, kai, trust me." serim teased, earning a weak chuckle from yeonjun and causing everyone to double up.

"here, have my lunch, gyu." yeonjun said, pushing his tray towards the younger yet again.

"sweet! kai, share?" beomgyu happy asked, earning an enthusiastic yes in response.

everyone was talking about something or the other, and of course, songyee had to take the moment to flirt with her crush.

"soobin, have you been working out? your arms look a lot bigger!" she said, leaning close towards the boy beside her.

yeonjun's stomach churned with an irritation he couldn't supress. he bit his lips, trying to prevent himself from rolling his eyes.

soobin scratched his neck awkwardly. "uh, not really. just been carrying more books around, i guess."

"well, it's working!" she winked at him.

beomgyu nudged taehyun, whispering with a smirk, "is it just me, or is this starting to sound like one of those cringy high school dramas?"

taehyun snorted quietly. "cringy? try unbearable."

yeonjun stood up. "i'm going to get myself... a drink." and left the table without waiting for any response.

he was half way to the vending machine when a voice stopped him. "yeonjun?"

turning around, he saw lia approaching him hesitantly. "hey," he said, trying to sound casual.

"i uh- heard about what happened this morning... are you okay?"

"it's not a big deal!" he replied quickly. "i'm fine!"

lia wasn't convinced but she knew better than to furthur press on the subject. "alright, then... just know i'm here if you need someone to talk to."

"thanks," he murmured, gaze dropping to the floor.

"take care, yeonjun. see you around!"

yeonjun exhaled shakily, turning around to walk towards the vending machine, as she walked away.