REVIEWER: ceyshells
CUSTOMER: soobslatte

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Cover [9/10]

A well made cover. With a single glance, you know exactly who are the main characters and what the theme of the story revolves around. The font has the feel of retro video games, and the addition of the UFO, which ties the characters to the story, adds to that vibe.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Title [4/5]

Straightforward and easily understandable while also tying in well with the story itself.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Blurb [2/5]

It's a bit too short for my liking. As a reader, I enjoy short and sweet blurbs, but this one is slightly vague and doesn't pique my interest enough.

Something that I like to add in my blurbs are quotes or important lines from the story. It helps to tie the blurb and story together and it also raises the interest of a person skimming the cover page of the book.

Another way, which most likely will convince a person to read the story, is to add a cliffhanger in the blurb, ideally from an important moment. Most people, including me, are curious and will want to know what happens next.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Inception [5/10]

The story jumps right into the action by starting with the moment the two girls are preparing for departure. It's a bit fast paced, but still simple enough for the reader to follow.

One thing that I have an issue with is the flashback scene as it feels a bit redundant. It is definitely an important scene as the main characters need to go through it before embarking on their journey, however, by inserting it as an anecdote into their hectic preparation for departure, it takes away from the excitement buildup the reader feels for the characters.

Personally, I would move this flashback to a scene in which Sunoo realizes the two girls have yet to arrive, and that they are later than they should be. Then, you can bring the flashback in from his side, and continue it with him (maybe?) sending people to search for them.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Plot, Idea and Execution [17/25]

Stories about outer space and travel are not unheard of, however, they are not the most common of topics either. Props to you for using this genre. In terms of the general idea itself, though, getting lost in space is a common trope, but ending up on a wrong planet is not one that I've heard often. Therefore, as an overall, I would say that your plot is pretty unique!

That being said, while the plot itself is good, the distribution of the scenes could do with a few changes. I mentioned one above in the inception section. You could either move it, as stated above, or separate it into a different chapter. Make it blatantly known that this is related to the main characters but isn't directly happening to them.

Overall, the plot is systematic and moves along, albeit slowly at points.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Characters and Emotions [7/15]

There aren't a lot of main characters in the story at the beginning, but as it moves on, more and more characters are introduced, and since they are literally named in the title, it isn't hard to tell that they are main characters too. It is alright to have a lot of characters, just make sure not to use too many different points of views as this may confuse the reader. As the saying goes, “too many cooks spoil the soup”. The same goes for character point of views.

Out of all the main characters, the two most “important” ones are Alvira and Aeris, so I shall focus on them more.

They are two friends who failed their exams together, and are determined to travel to a new planet so they can start afresh and to avoid their parents' disappointment. Both are impulsive and rash, not thinking too much of their decision to steal a spacecraft, and also dramatic, prone to extreme emotions that can lead to the two to butt heads. However, it also means they can celebrate their achievements, such as the relief when they landed safely.

That leads me on to their inner emotions. Not much is referred to as opposed to thoughts, which are prominently stated. A basic rule of writing is to show not tell, and I feel this is lacking slightly in this aspect.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Writing Style and Tone [7/10]

Most, if not all the chapters are written in third person point of view, which makes it seem impersonal when writing about the inner feelings of characters. However, I personally enjoy writing in third person as you don't have to remember whose point you're writing from and it's also easier to change perspectives with each character in a scene.

Tone wise, the author utilizes a casual way of writing that bodes well and is comfortable for any reader to understand.

⟨ 🪄 ⟩ ── Grammar Point [15/20]

This isn't a grammar issue per se, but right from the start, I noticed that you didn't leave a space after punctuation such as commas or full stops. In doing so, it makes the paragraphs look crowded and makes it difficult to read. Make sure to leave a space so it is obvious to the reader where a sentence starts and ends.

Also, in the first chapter, there are instances where you miss out keywords that lead to grammatical errors.

E.g. placing 10th luggage in the spacecraft
Edited: placing the 10th luggage in the spacecraft

Another suggestion would be to remove redundant words. It will allow your sentences to flow more smoothly.

E.g. Both of them looked at the spacecraft. It was huge and said to be one of the fastest spacecrafts.

Edited: Both of them looked at the spacecraft. It was huge and said to be one of the fastest.

OR

You could combine both sentences into one, which can help to reduce choppiness.

Edited: Both of them looked at the huge spacecraft which was said to be one of the fastest.

Another issue I noticed was that you occasionally forget to put punctuation, there are a few instances such as in the fourth and fifth paragraphs of chapter one.

Vocabulary wise, the variety of words used in the story is perfect as it is easy to understand yet uses some descriptive phrasing to avoid feeling repetitive.

/ 🔮 / TOTAL ── [66/100]

–TEAM DREAMERS–