Hey my lovelies, yes I am back. I know I update like once in a week but cutie pies I need time. So yeah, here it is. And don't forget to give your cutest love and support to Ms_starsky Coz you know she is a life saver😚

So let's get it☺️

💜💜

💜💜

Normally white symbolizes peace and innocence... maybe in some cases purity, a color which is considered as perfection.

But not in my case.

Looking at these white walls which are surrounding me, wrapping me in them, are not giving me any good vibes. I am not feeling peace or something that can make me feel like I am relaxed. This mind is full of questions and these white walls are not helping at all.

No color....nothing, pointless just like my life.

Like what is my life right now, just sitting here doing nothing. Looking at every corner in this room at every damn second is boring.

Well, it's not like anything better is there for me to do.

Looking at the past of me, what was my life back then, nobody knows but me. The weird thing is I know it and then I don't know it at all.

Because my brain is not in its right state. I have no idea what these people do with my body, like injecting the bizarre liquid which sometimes makes me sad out of nowhere, sometimes I feel like laughing. It's like they control me with something.

I don't understand their goal, like why play with someone's mind. What did they want from me? What did they do to me? And why are they doing this? I have no clue.

Why I experience these mixed emotions?

Why my core sometimes hurts like hell?

Why these memories came with so much pain?

Is my past life that painful…. that bad?

Why I can't understand anything that is happening to me?

Why I can't relate my memories?

Why sometimes these emotions overflow like a damn long river?

Why I feel like I saw many more of my memories but all seems to be a blur now...?

I comprehend that I could not be able to catch all of my memories in one go. Because It's not like I will give instructions to my brain and then, my mind will give me all my memories back.

And then the other thought strikes my mind, it's not like that it has vanished because there are many memories which I seem to know.

This is all fucked up.

So fucked up.

Like gazing at these walls and thinking about all those memories which I have no clue if they exist or I am just daydreaming about them.

Like what would I do if maybe my mind is playing games with me. Creating a character to feed my curiosity about what I was like earlier...or something.

In my memory, I saw this girl who is close to me. I can feel that because she was happy with me and the same is with me too. She was teaching me with so much enthusiasm present in her voice. Seems like she likes what she is doing with me.

I share a bond with her..but what type of, I am not able to understand that.

The only person that I can recognize in my dreams was my father.

It seems like he was there for me always, because all those memories I encountered here in this room are of him. Every single memory till now when I saw this girl from the school.

I don't know what to think anymore, these memories affect me like, being hit by a train of emotions. Sometimes it’s like someone stabs me and that hurt like hell to think that I suffered from these kinds of moments in my past.

What type of girl I was?

Father beats me. Yes, I take that in my mind. I am sad that nothing will change that. Nothing will change the fact that the memories I saw, are when my father beats me with the belt when he looked at me with all hate in his eyes and that torments me so much. I still can remember those burning eyes.

My eyes burst with tears as I began to recall all the painful seconds of my past life and my heart was not able to take that.

Still, I know that he gives me pain and from that point, my mind and body should abhor him, hate him. But I cannot do that because I don't know what will come next.

It’s not like that If one day a true memory hits me like a wave and all the memories are concluded to be wrong.

Then what will I do?

My mind is going crazy because of overthinking. I wiped my tears but they are continuously flowing from my eyes. I sobbed and covered my face with both of my hands.

This affects my mind so much, all these troublesome fucking memories. All these things are giving me a headache. I grabbed my head with both of my hands, started pressing it tightly to ease the pain.

Like every single memory was related to him, my father. These memories continuously remind me that I was not a perfect child in my past.

Am I a bad daughter?

What if I did something wrong in my past?

What if I embarrassed my father?

What if.....???

'No! No! Don't think about that.' I said to myself and I started crying my eyes out.

I haven't got the finest idea of who is she, but I pray to that positive energy that is keeping me alive. I want all the people whosoever I know in my past to be happy, with or without me.

Including my father.

Oh, I don't know what to think now. Am I just overeating about these things in my mind?

All these thoughts started with one thing, my mind. And then they spread like a virus in my brain which is giving me all those images and memories.

I take a deep breath to control my sobs because I don't want Jimin to wake up. I looked at him, he was sleeping so peacefully and his head was still on my thighs.

I smiled at him, slowly and carefully I caressed his hair with my shaky hands. Hobi and Jimin are the only people I know, I don't really remember how I met them but I saw a memory back then of where hobi fell down at the end.

Hobi...

I looked at Hobi, he was still sleeping or to be precise, unconscious. When will he wake up? What did they do to him? It's been hours but he is still not up.

Something came to my mind and I suddenly scoffed at myself.

Am I really crying just because of my memories? Really?

Is this the reason why father beats me?

Because I am selfish, always thinking about myself.

I was not thinking anything about Hobi and Jimin.

I don't give a thought about their problems, their hardships, their insecurities, their troubles. I was not thinking about the mess from which they are suffering. I don't have any information about the issues they bear in the past. I am just thinking about myself. Thinking about my problems.

What a selfish girl I am!

I angrily wiped my tears with my palm, a strong revolution sparkling in my eyes. I will be with them. Yes, from now on I will think about their problems. I will take care of them, just like they do for me.

Jimin once said that Hobi was there for me when I was crying and shouting for help. I was screaming to not touch me and at that time Hobi was there to console me. Jimin said that he is the only one who can take care of me at that time.

He can acknowledge the situation as nobody can.

I don't understand what he means, but I am scared to know the reason. Tiny didn't tell me anything. Maybe he believes that I don't deserve to know the reason.

Or maybe the reason will affect me so much and the outcomes will be awful.

That's why I am scared of everything here. Every feeling, every face, every situation, every freaking seconds.

I am afraid of everything.

A sound of painful whimpering came from somewhere, I turned my head in that direction.

Hobi...

I gulped hard first, I don't know why I am scared. And I have no idea what's coming.

Carefully I started to disconnect my body from Jimin's. He whined suddenly in his sleep and I froze on the spot. I didn't want him to wake up. He was so tired and exhausted at that time but then I sighed in relief when he slept right away.

I slowly approached Hobi who was not far away from us, I sat down next to him, relaxing myself. I saw his eyebrow frowning at something. He was still asleep... I pouted as I looked at him for some minutes not knowing what to do.

Then all of a sudden he moves.

I gasped excitedly as I watched him moving with a smile on my face. This is the first time he moved his body and I was so happy to know that he progressed this much but then I saw he was bleeding, the scars....the painful-looking scars are bleeding slightly.

I find myself going dizzy to just look at those wounds.

I choked up a sob when his whimpers started getting louder by the passing seconds. Now he is groaning in pain. I don't know what came over me but I slowly moved my right hand towards his direction, the only thing I want now is to ease his pain.

Delicately I touched his hairs, caressing them in a manner to relax him.

Soft, so soft.

But to my horror he pulled his body back, flinching so hard. I yelped in fear and confusion. I started backing away too.

But then a screech left my mouth when he kicked me out of the blue hard on my stomach in his sleep. As an impact, I fell down at some distance far from Hobi.

I looked at the floor with my wide eyes.

He kicked me...

Why?

W-Why did he d-do that....!?

I grasped my stomach tightly, my body was in pain. I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from screaming, the kick was so strong. Due to the immense pain, my body gave up and I lay down there, crying in pain.

"SUN-AH!!!!" A voice called out my name as I looked at that source of the familiar voice, Jimin.

He ran towards me and started running his hands all over me, checking me. "Are you okay, huh!! Tell me!?? Did he hurt you!?" He shouted anxiously at me. I shrieked at his harsh voice, this is the first time he was talking to me in a rough tone.

His eyes seemed to relaxed when he saw my condition. He sighed as he picked my body and hugged me, soothing me with his words. I started crying pathetically in these familiar arms, I wanted to help Hobi but I am unable to do that.

Why is Hobi like that?

I didn't hurt him, right?

I slowly moved away from Jimin when the whimpers of Hobi seemed to be growing louder than before. I looked at Hobi, he was crying softly, I think especially out of fear, because that was clearly visible on his face.

I am not able to understand why he is frightened when we are here to help him?

He was crying in fetal position, his grabby hands desperately searching for something. He needs some warmth...

Let me give that to him.

I turned my head and looked at Jimin. I asked him to release me...I stared at Tiny with my begging eyes but all he did was shake his head with sad eyes.

My lips wobble in response and I break down again in tears. I started crying out loud as I looked down at my lap fiddling with my dirty ripped clothes.

Why is he stopping me....?

Is he not seeing Hobi?

Is there a good reason for stopping me like that, I don't think so.

Hobi is crying and I was not able to do anything with him.

"Jiminie..he..afraid..." I sobbed out some words in front of Jimin. I wanted to ask Jimin, why is he like this.

Jimin looked at me with so much concern. Then he turned and looked at hobi. He is also worried about him, then why?

He looked at me and said, "Look please don't cry I will take of care of it. You just sit here okay. Don't touch him." He cooed and patted my head. I nodded at him, knowing that he will take care of Hobi now. Then he stood up and started running to the opposite side of that direction.

I was confused at that time, but when I saw he was grabbing some water from that pot for Hobi...I sighed in relief.

I now turned around and looked at Hobi, he was weeping. Why is he behaving like I am going to hurt him?

I just touched him..nothing more.

I don't have any intention to hurt him. I want him to be fine.

I want him to be like that memory......when he was all shining.

He was happy that time, how can someone be like that when he is truly in pain.

Was everything fine at that time?

Those tears are like calling me. Just waiting for me to wipe them. I want to ease his pain. I feel like taking all his pain in me.

He is crying in so much...and I am here doing nothing, again.

No! I am not a cold-hearted girl. I also have emotions, a heart which pains, and that heart is now melting with his painful tears.

I don't know what came over me, without knowing, my body immediately started to crawl towards him. I hissed because the previous kick pains me. But this is nothing in front of his pain.

I don't know, maybe he is dreaming about something bad.

And now all he needs is someone to just be there with him giving him a sense of presence near him, right?

I approached him with conscious steps. I don't want to make that mistake again. Maybe my sudden touch scars him. I sat down near him meticulously.

A frown started appearing on his face and his cries died down for a second. I froze near him. His face was covered with horror and he started kicking out of nowhere, he was far from me but those cries were ringing in my ears.

He goes again with the kicking...and crying.

What is happening!!?

I tried to gulp the tightness forming in my throat but ridiculously failed. I raised my hand to touch him, those cries are making my heart hurt. My head is thumping hard and these kicks and cries are reminding me of myself.

The time when I was in ice-cold water, I was crying and everything which I am feeling here is what I was feeling at that time. Pounding of head, coldness, rapid breathing, choking in tears, heart hurting….everything.

My hands started shaking hard due to these memories, anxiety bubbling in my body. My mind is in haze, those memories are gaining all my attention and leading them away from Hobi.

But I need to know that, what's important now is only Hobi.

I need to comfort him. He needs it. He needs attention. He needs someone to pamper him. He needs someone to take care of him. Someone who can take away all his pains.

He has all the right to be happy. And he will be happy......I will make him happy.

'I will give him all kinds of happiness' I told that to myself.

I blinked several times to clear my vision, my hands were just an inch away from Hobi's face but then suddenly someone snatched my hand, stopping me from touching him.

"Sun-ah!" Jimin bewildered shouted at me, I yelped as he shook my body lightly, " I told you not to touch him, please try to understand this. Don't let those emotions take over you. He is scared, please. Let me do it. Please." He said in a concerned voice.

I was not looking at him, my eyes were still on Hobi.

Why isn't Tiny letting me go to him?

Why can't I touch him?

I wanted to shout but nothing is coming out.

"Hey...hey, look at me. Look here." Tiny cupped my teary cheeks in his palms, wanting me to look at his beautiful face.

But my mind was somewhere else, my worries are here, with my Hobi. I am not catching any of his words. But.

Why is Jimin doing this?

Is he not seeing that Hobi is in pain?

Hobi is in pain?

My b-bubba is in p-pain...

'Bubba needs me?' I said to myself as I started sobbing again.

Why am I crying again, huh!? Am I not able to control my own emotions?

How can I comfort my bubba then?

I am a shitty person.

So annoying.

So pitiful.

So fucking pathetic.

I started slapping and hitting myself hard due to all the emotional crisis I am feeling at this painful moment.

I need this.

I need this punishment. I need to do this.

"NO! Sun-ah...! DON'T! Baby don't! Listen to me! What are you doing!!? Calm down please don't hurt yourself!" Jimin shouted as he grabbed me, looking at me with his sympathetic eyes. But I didn't stop.

Because this is what I deserve to be, weak.

Weak, that I am not able to comfort a person.

Tiny took both of my hands in one of his hands and held them behind my back, stopping me from hitting myself.

His other hand was on my right cheek. He started caressing it while mumbling praising words that it will be better after some time.

I struggled in his grip while crying, I wanted to yell that I want to help Hobi. But my head is spinning like I am drunk or something, nothing comes out again.

"Shhh... Shhh..stop crying, hmm?? Look, we will take care of him. We will, both of us okay..." He mumbled, his words softening at every passing second. He looked at my state. He was looking straight into my eyes and now I realized he is crying.

What!!

Tiny is also crying...

Everyone is in pain, just because of me.

Everything is happening, just because of me.

I am the only one who always causes problems.

These overflowing emotions are fucking with my mind.

Out of nowhere, I started shaking in his hold, my body was not in my control anymore. My breathing is irregular. I am feeling so hazy, a lump is again forming in my throat making it difficult for me to gulp.

There's tingling and numbness sensation in the hands and feet. A queasy sensation is building up, I am having an urge to vomit, because of an empty stomach. Like I didn't eat for days and it's not like that's wrong. I don't know the last time I ate anything.

I don't know what's happening to me. And then Jimin was yelling and hobi was crying.

What is happening?

Is this real?

Or am I dreaming?

No! I am feeling Jimin's hand. Those small fingers. Those hands are soft, they are caressing my cheeks. I can feel them. Yes, I am not dreaming.

I am not...dreaming.

Dizziness is covering my mind. I feel like closing my eyes. Blackness is blinding everything near me. White spots are there in front of my eyes. My tears are wetting Jimin's hoodie.

I feel like I just now slipped in Jimin's hold but he instantly wrapped his body around me, securing me with his arms. My body was in his warm and soft embrace.

But right now hobi need this warmth.

I don't deserve-

A pair of soft and wet lips brushed on my cheeks.

All of a sudden something hits me like a truck and my eyes snapped open in shock and I feel Iike I saw something just now.

Something....like images.

A memory.

What was that?

Who was that?

Who kissed me?

That person.

That boy.

With a beautiful smile.

More beautiful than.....Jimin's.

Those eyes.... they were familiar, so much famil--

A loud high noise of siren cut me from thinking anything further. It feels like this siren is blinding all my senses in my body, it's way too loud for a human ear.

I regained my consciousness at that time when Jimin mumbled something under his breath, "No! no! This can't be happening. Not now. Not fucking now!!!"

This is the first time Jimin is cursing in front of me. I am feeling how serious he is.

Just after that, his eyes widened in horror when a different type of 'creak' sound came from somewhere. His eyes said it all, he didn't expect this to happen.

But what??

But then my eyes got doubled from their size when I realized the main reason.

The steel tight door was now opened...

°•°