This is going to be the last, I think.
___

do you ever regret it?
wish you had not called me over
perhaps we could have changed a thing
or two.
maybe slept an hour later
or so.

if we had just talked later into the night
perhaps woken up earlier in delight
unable to sleep all night, maybe we might
have been able to change it

what if we changed our positions in bed
me by the wall, you at the head
and if we had cuddled tighter in fright
from that movie

that movie, what if we watched a longer one
or shorter, or multiple, defied what they said
we could have listened to our rap and laughed
till the morning, till we were caught sneaking around
downstairs, having a midnight snack
just given us those few moments of reprieve

because then, even if it still happened,
maybe i wouldn't regret it

what if i didn't tell anyone what happened that night
even better
what if i told you right away?
would you still have left?
would i still be alone?

do you ever regret it?
because i swear
i regret it
every night.

___

I need goodbyes. I've lost a lot of people in my life, and I have been able to say goodbye to most of them.

Apart from three.

My Naanu, my granddad.
And my two best friends.

You know who you are and I swear to god, I swear to god if you're reading this right now I
I love you and I miss you so much, but I'm ready to say goodbye.

You gave me the best of times, you held me through the worst of times. But your abandonment hurt, it really did. I never got the chance to apologise for ruining what we had, but I'm realising now that it was not my fault. It wasn't your fault either.

It was the shitty situation, and the shittier outcome. I don't know what they told you, and I don't know if I ever will.

But this is my goodbye.

I loved you, truly, and I'm sorry it didn't last forever like we thought it would.