22 October 2024

My only love,
My last letter to you.

Let's start off with how much I adore you. Your eyes, nose, lips, everything is so perfect. You are so perfect. You're like a painting that came to life, more beautiful than words could ever capture. Every time I looked at you, I felt myself falling deeper. How strange, just when I thought I couldn't love you more.

I wasn't able to hold it in anymore. I confessed to you. 30.09.2024. You said, 'Hyunjin, I love you. I love you a lot. But I don't think we should date. I don't want to lose you too. I've lost every one of my lovers, I don't want to lose you.' I agreed, but not because I'd ever step away from you, but because I knew I couldn't be the best partner.

After school, you didn't wait for me like you used to. I waited two hours outside school, thinking that your classes stretched. I watched the teachers come out, gates close, and guards go home. But no sign of you. Worried, I ran home and texted you. No reply for six hours. I texted one of our mutuals, Minho, to understand what was wrong. I came to know that you were talking to him about the problems you faced in school today and completely ignoring my calls and texts. You were sharing everything with him, but not with me. If you're suffering, you'd reach out to the person you love... right?

It's strange, but that night, something broke within me.

But it was alright. I thought you needed some space and not replying was okay. When you came back after a week, pretending like nothing happened, I didn't have the heart to confront you. I loved to see your bright smile. Since it had been months since I last pranked you, I decided to tell you I had a girlfriend. You got so angry over that, saying 'I feel hurt, I feel nothing' and other things I couldn't really make sense of... it really saddened me. I realised that it was probably wrong to pull such a prank. I hoped you'd forgive me for it... but you decided to cut me off. Ignoring my messages, calls and even in school. You pulled yourself away and no matter what I did to try and reach out to you, you put up a fence around yourself and shut me out. I pretended like it was alright, like I could continue living without you in my life. But every day seemed to be emptier than the one before it.

I don't know what dawned upon me, but I decided to get 'revenge' for what you did to me. I don't know what kind of monster set up his abode in my heart that made me hurt a beautiful soul like yours. I decided to act like I got a boyfriend. Sanha. He helped me. The whole school was buzzing with the news... but none of them knew the truth. You blocked my number, cutting off every possible way for me to reach you. Even in school, you pretended I was invisible. I'd walk past you in the halls, try to catch your eye, but you looked through me like I was nothing. You didn't smile at me, didn't even spare me a glance, as if everything we shared never existed. It was like you'd erased me from your life completely, as if I'd never meant anything to you. And maybe that hurt most of all.

I tried to talk to you. Your responses? 'What?' 'Fuck off' 'Get lost'. It seemed like you were totally uninterested. You didn't even give me a chance to explain.

Today, I finally talked with you. I confronted you about all that happened. Your reply broke me.
" I don't care if I'm acting immature, but I don't wanna talk to you. Don't waste your breath and manipulate the situation. I hate you. Goodbye.'
With that, you marched out of the classroom, not noticing the boy behind you have tears streaming down his face, him slowly falling down to his knees, and screaming your name. Your words were like a gunshot.

Seungmin, you remember that day we skipped class just to sit by the river and watch the sunset? I remember how you laughed at my silly jokes and how you promised that we'd make so many more memories together. Every time I pass that spot now, it's like I'm haunted by what we used to be. When I was with you, I always felt like I was home. You were my safe place. Now? I don't know what to feel. It's so empty. Was I just a phase to you, Seungmin? Did I matter at all, or was I simply convenient for the time we spent together? Because, for me, you were everything. I wish you would've heard my side of the story. But maybe the fault is still mine. It's like you control me, without you I'm lonely. Without you, I'm dying slowly.

Right now, I'm back home. These are my final words. If you ever see my body, look at my wrists. I'm bleeding love. There's a heart shaped scar there, a heart that belongs to the person I love.

I don't know if you'll ever read this, Seungmin. But if you do, I hope you know that my love for you was the truest thing I've ever felt. I was clinging desperately to the hope that you would return. But each time you turned your back on me, and with every every word you said to me, a fragment of my spirit was lost. It's not like I don't love you anymore, or won't love you in the afterlife. It's the fact that I'm broken beyond repair, and I cannot continue anymore.

If I get another life, I hope you're there. And I hope situations are different. In another life, you'll be mine and I won't let anyone come in between us. I love you more than I love myself. And that's the truth. Goodbye, Seungmin. If my heart would still find comfort hugging you close, I know that I have to let go. I'll love you always, even if I will be gone to whisper those magical words. I can't bear it any longer, even for my own sake. I've bled enough.

Yours,
Hyunjin

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welp, the end.
i was wondering if you guys would want a chapter on who delivered the letter and the emotions of a few people (like the person who gave the letter to seungmin, Sanha, Seungmin, Seungmin's ex)?  lmk!