𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴 . . . seventeen's :: wang meiling

WORD COUNT: 1.2k
DOCUMENTARY
THIRD PERSON
OCTOBER 30, 2019

"being on stage is where i feel most alive," meiling confesses, her eyes bearing straight into the camera. "but it's also where i feel the most vulnerable."

seventeen was on their "ode to you" tour after releasing their third album, "an ode." to help promote, and also share more information about the reality of their demanding job, the members decided to film a documentary as the tour continued. today, meiling was filming her episode.

"i've always struggled with self-doubt. even before i chose this career. when i was younger, i used to cry because i was scared i'd never satisfy anyone. there are many days, now, when i wonder if i'm truly enough. both as an artist and as a person."

she stops speaking and it cuts to a montage of her dancing energetically on stage. she can't help but smile watching the other members do what they love so passionately. then it cuts once more to her, sitting alone in the dressing room, with her head in her hands.

meiling's whole body shakes as she breathes in and out, refusing to lift her head up. her stage outfit stuck to her skin because of the insane amount of sweat she produced.

it cuts once more to her interview.

"i started acting when i was very young. i think that's where my perfectionism comes from. on screen, you have to be your best. you never show any sort of weakness. i moved to korea because i was tired of acting. i wanted to sing. i got accepted to pledis and immediately started training."

"joining seventeen back in 2013 was a dream come true, but, god, it was not easy." she laughs lightly, "i've always been hard on myself, being in the spotlight only magnified that. there's so much pressure to be perfect all the time. i feel like i always need to give my best."

meiling sighs as she continues. "being the only female didn't help either. i was told more girls would be added to the lineup but," she pauses, "that never happened."

"i had to prove myself constantly. i had to present myself in a certain way. i felt like i had to be tougher, stronger, just to be taken seriously."

the video cuts to meiling in the green practice room back at pledis. the members are sat in a circle, joking around. meiling sits next to jun, but she doesn't say much. she stays quiet, with her knees wrapped to her chest.

it then cuts to her saying goodbye to all the members as they leave practice for the night. she stays, perfecting the moves all of the boys seemed to get first try, for another four hours.

it cuts back to her interview. "there were many times where i felt alone. the boys are amazing, they've always treated me like family. but there used to be this invisible barrier, they bonded over things i couldn't relate to."

she smiles softly, "it's not their fault at all, though. as the years have gone by, we've gotten closer and closer. i stopped feeling like an outsider a long time ago."

"i'm just grateful i'm able to have all thirteen of them in my life. i'm so lucky to have thirteen people, thirteen, that care so much about me. they are my rock through everything. i'm normally scared to be vulnerable around others, but all thirteen of them have seen me at my absolute lowest and have been able to lift me back up. they are my home away from home, no doubt about it."

it cuts to meiling smiling and laughing with each member on stage. she means what she said wholeheartedly. she wishes she was better at expressing her feelings. she feels so much for the members it overwhelms her.

it then cuts to meiling, alone in her hotel room. her eyes have no light in them, she's gripping a piece of notepaper so tightly her hand shakes, and she stares out of the window into the night. her voiceover begins.

"there was a point on tour where i hit rock bottom. i was exhausted. i couldn't help but question everything. i didn't feel worthy enough so my logical decision was to give up and leave the idol life behind."

"when i was little and had complicated emotions, i would write letters to myself to help me understand what i was feeling. so that's what i did on that night, too."

her roommate for this tour stop, dk, then walks in. the camera films their interaction.

dokyeom walks out of the bathroom, his pajamas on and his hair wet. he is about to lay in bed but does a double take at the sight of meiling.

"noona?" he cautiously calls out. she turns to him, shaking quickly to get herself back in real life and out of her thoughts. "hey, sorry. how's your day?"

he looked down sadly, ignoring her small talk. "i'm worried about you. there's no emotion in your eyes, in your voice, anymore. are you- are you okay?"

meiling swallowed harshly. she wanted to respond, she really did. she knew her voice would betray her, so she handed dokyeom the letter she just wrote.

she watched, analyzing the younger's face, as he read. she sees tears brimming in the corner of his eyes and she can't help but feel guilty. the camera stops recording as the two have a serious conversation.

it cuts back to her interview.

"that was probably one of the darkest times of my life. other than not feeling worthy, my father had also shown up to one of our tour stops. i hadn't seen him in at least six years but i recognized him in the crowd. everything from my childhood just came crashing down on me. i thought i was free from him. i wasn't."

"the members helped me through it, though. honestly, jeonghan's dad helped me the most. i owe him and a huge thank you."

she smiles, trying to lighten the mood as she switches topics. "it was a dark time, yes, but it was also a turning point. the moment in the hotel room with dokyeom was a wake up call for me."

as she speaks, clips of her backstage play on screen. she's much happier, smiling with all of the members. she gets ready for each performance with a lightness to her that wasn't there before.

she keeps speaking in a voiceover as clips of the same manner continue to be shown. "i realized i didn't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. it's okay to ask for help and lean on others. the members are helping me learn to be kind see to myself, to accept that i'm enough just as i am."

it cuts back to her interview for the final time. "life is about growing and finding the strength to keep going, even when things get tough. i'm so grateful for the journey, for the carats who have supported me, for the chance to do what i love every single day, and most importantly, the members."

her episode ends with a clip of her bowing, hand in hand with the other members as they close yet another stop of the tour. the screen fades to black with her last words echoing, "i'm still a work in progress, and that's okay."

LANA SPEAKS . . . !

i never acc watched an ep of hit the road so if this isn't accurate forgive me 😭