𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴 . . . jang :: hyejin

tw // eating disorder, throwing up, insecurities

AUGUST-DECEMBER 2016
WORD COUNT: 1.2k
THIRD PERSON

hyejin stared at her reflection in the full length mirror on her bedroom door. her stomach churned in pure disgust. her eyes lingered on the creases in between her armpits and breasts, the way her thighs rubbed against one another. the longer she stared, the more she felt her throat start to close up. she looked away before she could stop breathing all together.

her mind began to spin with solutions to fix her hideous appearance. her train of thought got interrupted with a loud knock to her door. it was seon.

the two had become relatively friendly- more than acquaintances but not friends. "practice starts in like, twenty minutes. i'm going to the cafeteria for breakfast, you coming?" she felt the words spill out before she could stop them. "yeah, one second."

she didn't know when she started to feel this way about herself- her body. she noticed how the mentors eyes lingered on certain areas of her body, how their eyebrows furrowed. she felt uncomfortable under their gaze. her skin felt itchy because of their judgmental eyes.

the day she noticed was also the day a staff member gifted her a picture of kate moss. she taped it over her bed and examined it for too long. she had looked at every inch of the model's skin for so long she could draw it from memory.

she wanted to look like that. she just didn't know how.

the answer would come to her in a way she never would've expected. as training got more and more intense, she saw sunjin and seon less and less. she felt isolated- too isolated to function. she was at the edge of giving up when she saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

a staff member took her out of practice one early morning. the girl barely closed the door when the staff spoke. "hyejin, we are putting you in the lineup for bighit's upcoming group."

she could've sworn the colors of the earth got a little bit brighter with that one sentence. "we've been secretly mentoring three other girls. you'll join them as their final member. if all goes well, you'll start preparing for your debut in around three months."

the staff member pointed her to a practice room at the end of the wall, where the other girls were waiting excitedly to meet her. she breathed in as she rested her hand on the doorknob, pushing down lightly to open the door as she exhaled.

she was greeted by cheers of excitement, three young, pale, and frail girls jumping up and down. she was brought into a group hug. she didn't know them but she already could tell they would get along well. how hyejin loved girlhood.

they went around with names. the oldest was chaeyoung- she was born in 2000 but hyejin thought she looked nothing like it. her beauty was out of this world. she was supposed to be the visual.

the next was isa. she was born in 2002 and was supposed to be the leader once their group debuted. hyejin could tell she was destined to be the one taking charge, the one in the center.

lastly, there was mia. she was born in 2003 and was korean-american. hyejin's eyes landed on the girl's body and they wouldn't leave no matter what she tried. mia looked like the girl on the poster. hyejin had already forgotten the model's name, despite her photo taking up half of her brain.

the next day at lunch, she watched as mia ate everything on her plate. she couldn't stop the words from spilling out. "how are you so skinny while eating like that?"

mia smiled softly. without saying a word, she brought two fingers up and pointed to her throat. it took a moment for hyejin to register what she was referring to, but then it clicked. she threw it all up.

later that night, when she made sure seon had fallen asleep, she snuck out into the bathroom. she pulled out the scale and set it beside the toilet, before kneeling in front of it.

she shoved two fingers down her throat and prayed. she felt the vomit come out, and she almost smiled. she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand before stepping on the scale.

"115" it read. a pound lighter than this morning. that's when she actually smiled. she thanked god, for the first time in a while, that he gave her a solution through mia.

she was almost addicted to throwing up. after every meal, hyejin would rush to the nearest bathroom to let it all out. the adrenaline of stepping on the scale and seeing the number go down was worth every headache and every dizzy spell in the world.

it had gotten to the point where even looking at food made her nauseous. it had become her bigggest enemy. she didn't need it, not when she was making such good process.

although it was good, it was good enough. she wasn't good enough until she was like mia, basically a walking skeleton.

mia's constant presence was what motivated her. during practice, she would watch mia dance, her ribs showing without even needing to lift up her arms. jealousy coursed through her veins. she wanted to be skinnier than mia. then she would finally be good enough.

for the first time in forever, hyejin looked in the mirror and didn't immediately feel repulsive. her thighs were no longer touching, her collarbones were poking out, there were no more flabs of fat, and her stomach was finally flat.

but still, she wasn't skinny enough. she could always be thinner, look better. so that's when she decided to stop eating all together.

whenever she was at the cafeteria, or the rare times she would sit in the dorm with seon, she would sit at the table and push around her food on the plate. she waited until whoever she was with would finish, and she would throw her food out as they cleaned their plate.

her stomach began to rumble after a day or so of eating as minimally as possible ( whatever she would eat, she would try her best to throw up. though sometimes, she wouldn't be able to ). she knew food would not satisfy this hunger, but the number going down on the scale would.

"93" it read. she frowned. she hadn't lost anything the past three days. she wanted to cry. she felt like a pig. it was because she wasn't able to throw up, wasn't it?

she had never felt true happiness until a mentor came up to her, whispering, "you're so skinny, hyejin." she smiled so widely and thanked the man largely. her smile stayed for the rest of the day.

seon sighed as he watched hyejin not touch a single thing on her plate for yet another night. he decided he needed to talk to her before it was too late.

"why aren't you eating anything?" he asked. "not hungry," she curtly responded, setting her fork down with a subtle screech. "you have to eat," he spoke. she glanced at him, unmoving. "please?" he spoke again.

she suddenly stood up, her chair falling down with a thud. "i said, i'm not hungry!" she shouted. seon reached out to sit her back down, but she had ran off to her room before he could do anything.

she stepped on the scale as routine for the last four months. "84" it read. she smirked. she was skinner than mia. finally.

she bent down to put the scale under her bed for the night. her muscles ached with every movement, but she thought it was just from dance practice. the girls's training got more intense as they were supposedly going to start the debut process soon.

she stood up quickly and her vision went white. she waited for it to clear like it usually did.

instead, it all went black.

LANA SPEAKS . . . !

get it? mia as in bulimia ? ohhhhhh

sorry if hyejin's experience is not accurate to you, but it's based on my current relationship with food so therefore it's accurate to me. hope y'all can understand <3

this is not proofread and i haven't written anything in like three months so pls bare with me !!