act one! year of the ox
&&
the last day, chapter one!

Year of the Ox, 2009. 

          The air tasted sweet, thick with dust turned up from toiled soil and filled with the buzzing of bugs. The midsummer sky was a pale blue, with fragile white clouds that dotted the horizon but provided little shade. There was a grassy smell in the air from the green tea plants that dotted the place, their leaves a lush green, waiting to be harvested in Autumn. 

There was the faint call of a bull-headed shrike that mixed with the rumbling of a tractor nearby and the chattering of grandmas as they sat at an outdoor table, peeling mandarins with wrinkled hands.

My father hummed a song, something old that I didn't remember the name but recognized the melody. We walked side by side along the low, flat roads, fields stretched out on either side and then, further up the hills were tall forests. I was eating ice cream, it was cold and sweet and it had begun to melt down from my hand to my wrist. Every time another trail dripped I would lick it up but my efforts were in vain. I looked over to my father, his hair was dark still, and his eyes less crinkled. He smiled widely, his own ice cream melting. 

We didn't talk. I remember that. We didn't have to. 

Year of the Dragon, 2024. 

          All I could hear was the whirring of electronics. There was the faint sound of conversation in the background, possibly someone in the audience chattering and, even lower than that, was the hum of the speakers.

The room was shiny and well-decorated, covered in bright colours. The set was a lounge room, made to replicate that of any traditional Korean household, and some of the other guests were sat on the ground, in front of the lounge. I was, thankfully, given a spot on the couch, a thick blanket placed over my legs and a glass of water sat in front of me, untouched. One of the guests talked quietly to each other, a conversation couldn't hear.

I could see Jang Manshik's, my manager's, face behind the large black cameras that were pointed towards me. He gave me a close-lipped, professional smile and signalled all good? with a thumbs up. I nodded.

The camera clicked and the set quietened. I forced a smile and something heavy settled in my stomach. A weight, pressing me into the couch. 

                "And we're back! Hello Good Morning World listeners, if you're just joining us now then welcome, thank you for joining us!" There was a smatter of applause and the host, Kim Byungsoo, a balding man with wide eyes and a playful smirk. He was likeable enough, boisterous and talkative, perfect for his profession. "We currently have idol-turned-actress, Kiss O' Frost member Heo Seung-ah with us today and lead singer of Kpop sensation H1TUP, Park Jongin! But don't worry, we'll have fresh faces soon," He looked over towards the two of us and I waved towards the camera. "This next section we're inviting two more guests! Welcome Zero and Dal from Afternoon Boys!"

There was another loud applause and I forced a smile. Two fresh-faced rookie idols walked onto the set, bowing with awkward smiles as they took their positions on the couch. They looked nervous. Starry-eyed but tired. It's like how a rookie should look. I almost felt jealous.

                "Heo Seung-ah-ssi, you didn't clap?" Kim Byungsoo said with his eyebrow raised. "Do you not like Afternoon Boys?" He sounded aghast, and the two rookies laughed awkwardly. 

                "It's okay, it's okay!" One of them, Zero, said, with his hands raised, almost like he was pleading. "We've just debuted, Heo Seung-ah Sunbaenim doesn't need to recognise us!" He spoke clearly although his Korean was awkward.

It was hard to stay attentive while on camera, my vision was hazy. I'm so tired.  The sounds are so mellow and constant, like a car lulling you to sleep. I glanced at the two rookies and bowed briefly, "I'm sorry. I actually don't listen to that much music these days." I shook my head, "Your debut song was 'Night time'?" Jang Manshik's face was in his hands. I must have gotten the name wrong. I felt my chest flush. 

                "'Night Life'," Dal corrected, "but you're very close!" 

I nodded again, but it was hard to appear like I cared. "Night Life." I shook my head, "it's a bit scandalous? Afternoon Boys, Nightlife, ah, our industry has become so free and liberal!" 

Kim Byungsoo clapped, as did Park Jongin. "When you debuted we were much more conservative!" Kim Byungsoo claimed, "You must be watching everyone get much, much younger but much more Western!" 

                "Yes, yes. I don't know if my debut had a very clean image though," I laughed, and it felt a bit guttural and forced. I wonder if everyone else felt that too. "There was that milk controversy!" 

Briefly, I saw Kim Byungsoo make eye contact with the PD. The air felt stilted, thick, hot and heavy. "You're right, Afternoon Boys' debut is very charismatic!" Ah, I see you now, Kim Byungsoo. 

                "Thank you, thank you," Dal said, bowing neatly. Well-trained, like a dog. "Our concept was Modern Korea, we wanted to embrace the energy of Seoul in the nighttime and the ambience of the city lights." He had memorized this spiel. 

Park Jongin gave a thumbs-up. "It's very nice, and your choreography is wonderful!" He stood up briefly and performed the chorus move, which caused loud laughter from the audience.  

                "And Zero, you're from America, right?" Kim Byungsoo asked as he looked down at his queue cards. Zero nodded. "Your Korean is very good!" 

Zero's head dipped. "Thank you." 

                "He studied for many nights after he found out he was coming onto this show." Dal patted Zero's back like an older brother might. It seemed like they may genuinely get along. The thought tasted sour.

                "That's very impressive. Rookies these days!" Park Byungsoo said, "They're so hardworking!" He looked over towards Park Jongin and me. "You two will have to work extra hard before they take your place!" 

The corners of my mouth lifted. "I remember being that excited for my first talk show," I said, "Zero hoobaenim, you're doing great!" 

Zero smiled awkwardly. "Were you worried before your first talk show?" 

                "Of course! I remember practising my Seoul dialect in the mirror all night." 

               "Woah, you're not from Seoul? I really wouldn't be able to tell," Zero said, hand raised over his mouth.

            "My family is from South Jeolla." I nodded. "Of course, you wouldn't be able to, I worked so hard to perfect this accent. I used to get hate mail about it." I clicked my tongue, "Don't worry about working too hard, all you're doing is pleasing strangers." 

Park Jongin frowned. "Heo Seung-ah sunbaenim, your fans will be upset to hear that." 

I shrugged and then looked into the nearest camera. "Sorry!" I raised my hand in a salute-like motion and spoke casually to the camera. 

Zero clapped. "That was cool, Heo Seung-ah sunbaenim!" 

            "You're definitely a veteran," Kim Byungsoo said. 

I felt my fingers grip the couch, digging into the foam beneath the leather. "Yes, that's what happens. You get old and tired."

They all laughed and the conversation continued. 

I don't know what I expected. The more I talked the more I searched for any reaction from the guests. Something genuine. There were no awkward pauses, no moments of consideration. Anything uncomfortable was passed over with a laugh and business as usual. My fingers began to cramp. 

            "What do you think about that, Heo Seung-ah-ssi?" 

I looked up. I could hear the whirr of the cameras and the soft clicks of equipment. 

            "What are your thoughts on dating coworkers?" Kim Byungsoo repeated. 

There was a moment where I was uncertain of what facial expression to make. Every idol had a practised answer, and every celebrity knew what the right thoughts were, but it was like my wires short-circuited, something clicked and popped inside my head and the lights went out. 

            "It seems like Heo Seung-ah sunbaenim isn't certain," Park Jongin teased and the rest of the guests laughed. It became a background sound, like filler in between the blanks. They're always laughing. God, I wished for some quiet. 

            "I think people are free to love, of course, but idols especially should keep things professional. After all, for me at least my fans—" My fans are the only people in my heart. Thats what they want me to say. What was I always said? I clenched the couch and nearly cried out in pain. No longer were my fingers digging into foam. They were clenching into my palms. Focus on the pain. I pressed in harder as I began to talk. "My fans are the only people in my heart." 

I gritted my teeth. 

            "So well-spoken, Heo Seung-ah-ssi," Kim Byungsoo replied, nodding vigorously. "You're close with many people in the industry, is there anyone you would want to date?" 

            "Of course not," I scoffed. "My fans wouldn't allow it." Beside me, I could hear Dal shift. Was I making them uncomfortable?

            "Your member, Yeeun sunbaenim, she got married recently?" Park Jongin pressed. 

I shook my head. "Three years ago," I corrected. It felt like more. 

            "Ah, three years ago? Would you consider marriage like she did?" 

Focus on the pain. "I doubt it." I forced the corners of my mouth to rise. 

            "Fans were very interested in your relationship with your co-star Ryu Siwoo, correct?" Kim Byungsoo asked, leaning forward, creating intrigue. 

Park Jongin clapped. "Yes, yes. I remember everyone was talking about it." He lifted his hand to cover his mouth. "Even I got messages from friends about their relationship!"

I nodded once but I felt my heart beat faster. Ryu Siwoo. "He and I had good chemistry. He's a very skilled actor." I forced a smile, but it felt alien and I dropped it quickly after. 

            "Do you keep in contact with him?" Kim Byungsoo asked. 

            "As much as I do with my other coworkers. Our schedules clash often." Lie. Lie. Lie. I looked towards the rest of the guests, it looked like they could tell that I was lying and yet they didn't stop. The cameras kept going. What more did they want from me? 

 Kim Byungsoo tilted his head somewhat as if he didn't believe me. "I'm sure the fans will be disappointed to hear that. A lot of people wanted you two to be together." 

            "I bet," I answered quicker than I expected. "Although I'm not certain why. The last time I dated someone they sent him funeral wreaths." 

            "On the subject of shipping, Dal, I heard your group already has—" I stopped listening. 

All the sounds got soft. Muffled. All I could do was look at the glass of water on the table and wonder why I hadn't touched it. 

Click. 

The cameras stopped. Filming was over. The rest of the guests stood and started bowing to each other, congratulating each other on work well done. Hands were shaken, compliments were given. The rookies would still force smiles, but the others acts would drop. It was inevitable. The spell was broken. 

            "Yah, Heo Seung-ah" I looked up. Park Jongin stood in front of me. "You need to be less obvious about your feelings about Ryu Siwoo." Finally. "What's gotten into you?" He asked. "You're so messy now." He released a sigh. "You know they're calling you Nation's Alien?" 

I felt myself shrugging. "Better than having no nickname." I looked up at him, the corner of my mouth flicking up. 

Park Jongin shook his head. "Your career will be over soon if you keep acting like this." He picked up the glass of water and took a sip. "I got you this interview because we're from the same company but you're really shoving it in my face. You know that, right?" 

I looked at the glass of water. 

            "That was mine," I heard myself say coldly, but it no longer felt like I was the one controlling my body. Who was this mean, angry woman? Where did she come from? Had I always been like this? 

Park Jongin scoffed. There was a flash of heat beneath my ribcage and I stood. "Don't touch my stuff." I felt my hand curl into a fist. Suddenly, I wanted to hit him. "And get out of my business. I didn't ask for your help." 

            "They always said you were rude," Park Jongin clicked his tongue. "Disappointing." 

My fist was raised to grab his head, but before I could someone gripped my wrist and pulled me back. Jang Manshik. 

            "Yah!" I snarled. "Let go of me!" 

Jang Manshik stepped in front of Park Jongin. "Hit me instead!" He declared and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "You'll get in trouble again if you hit him." 

            "You think I won't!" I raised my fist again and Jang Manshik flinched but did not step away. I sighed, shaking my head before lowering my fist. "You're so good," I said sarcastically, "Well-trained Jang Manshik." 

He bowed. "Thank you, Heo Seung-ah!" He said politely and bowed for a second time. 

I walked out of the building, leaving the rest of the guests and crew behind. They could tell stories to each other about how rude I was, it was too hard to care anymore. I pulled open the van doors without Jang Manshik's help. Behind me, he scurried away and quickly hopped into the driver's seat. 

Inside, the car was lush and quiet. I ran my fingers across the leather seats and breathed in carefully. Slowly. I took a deep breath in and sat with it, holding myself still, longer and longer, until my throat began to tighter, longer still.

I could hear my heartbeat. 

Thump. Thump. Thump. Slow and steady. Thump. The seconds passed. Thump. Slower. Thump. I closed my eyes.  

My chest began to buck. My throat felt hot and I clenched my jaw. I released my breath and leaned forward, digging my fingernails into my palms. 

Your career will be over soon if you keep acting like this. My eyebrows knitted together. "Do you think I'm ruining my career?" My voice sounded fragile and I hated how I sounded. 

Jang Manshik faltered. "I think you're trying your best," he said carefully. Gently. 

Was I, though? Did I even want to? Three years ago. It had been so long and yet it felt like it had been longer. I looked at my palms. There were red, angry half-moon crescent wounds on them, like eye-less smiles. They reminded me of the wounds on my thighs and hips. How long had it been?

            "Manshik-ah."

He looked over at me. "Mm?"

            "I don't want to be here anymore." 

Manshik nodded. "Where do you want me to drive you?" 

I shook my head, clarifying. "I don't want to exist."

I'm so tired. 

The weight in my stomach returned and I could feel it pull me down into the earth. God, how I wish I could sleep and never wake up. It would be so nice. Peaceful. A long dreamless sleep. How long would I have to sleep until I was no longer exhausted? A month? A year? I rested my head against the headrest and a sigh breezed from my lips.

            "Should I take you to Doctor Im?" Manshik asked and I shook my head again. 

            "Take me home."

Manshik started the engine.

My palms hurt and my cheeks ached from smiling. Smiling. Did I even smile properly today? This month? He drove me home and for the first time in a very long time, it felt unfamiliar, like it was not the home I remembered. 

I dreamt of green tea that night. I missed that smell.