WARNING: Suicidal thoughts will be mentioned. Also suicide isn't a joke, it's not funny and it's not being romanticized here. The point of me adding it, is because Y/n at this point is 15. She is dealing with the loss of people she's known for three years. She's hurting, and she doesn't know how to deal with it because she's never had to before. I don't plan on making this book super super serious, but it's not like people can just move on after watching some they know die

Y/n's POV

We watched as they burned the bodies of those who died. Marco was in there, and some of our other friends. Mina.. Thomas..

Connie was sitting on the ground as he cried. Sasha was standing beside him. I had my arms around him as he cried. Tears streamed down my face as well, watching the flames erupt. My friends, their bodies were burned. Jean wasn't crying

"Shh, it's okay.." I told Connie. The words were not only for him, but for myself. I didn't think things were going to be okay. How could I? The things I saw.. I never wanted to see again. Jean had regret in his eyes. Sasha looked down at the ground sad. Christa and Ymir doing the same. It was odd seeing Ymir like this. I truly believed the only person she cared about was Christa, but I was wrong. I think Ymir cares about all of us, but she hides it. She looked so sad

I looked over to see Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt all beside each other. Staring at the fire. There wasn't much emotion in their faces but their eyes told a different story. They had spent the most time with Marco before he died. The guilt in their eyes.. The fact they were alive and he wasn't. But they remained strong. I hoped they would live for Marco. Jean began walking towards the fire. There were some bones left that hadn't been burned. Jean squatted and picked a piece up

"Hey, Marco.. I can't even tell which are your bones anymore" Jean muttered. I looked over at Sasha with teary eyes

Maybe we should've stayed with Papa and Mama. I don't think becoming a soldier.. it's not worth it. Had it been Sasha.. I wouldn't.. I promised.. Papa and Mama, I'd keep her safe.. It could've been her instead of Marco, or Thomas, or Mina. She could be next. If we continue on as soldiers. How many of my friends, will I have to watch die?

Then for some reason Eren came to mind. That stubborn prick

"Will we abandon the tactics that cost tens of thousands of lives to develop, and let the Titans eat us without a fight?"

I don't want fight, but if I don't.. who will? I don't want to die.. but I owe Sasha, I owe Mama and Papa.. for all they've done for me.. They treated me as their own.. I would give my life for theirs.. If this is the only way I can pay them back.. I'll do it.. Maybe I'll die quicker this way.. I'd give Mama and Papa honor.. right? But I'd leave Sasha by herself.. Fuck!

Jean stood up

"Hey, guys.." Jean said which caught our attention. He turned and looked at us. There was fear in his eyes

"Have you decided which one you're joining? I have. I.." Jean said as he gripped his wrist. He was struggling

"I.. I'm joining the Survey Corps!" Jean yelled before he broke down. My eyes widened as we all stared at him

-----

It turns out the Titans that Captain Hange had caught, had been murdered. There were traitors among us. So due to this happening, all of us would have our gear inspected. Sasha was currently in line

"When did you last change shafts?" The man asked

"Six days ago. After the clean-up operation" Sasha said

"Just as the records say" A woman said

"Okay, next. You.." The man said

"Christa Lenz, squad 42" She said. I had already been checked. Sasha had joined me and Connie

"This is bullshit" Connie muttered

"Our life has gone to hell" I muttered

"Preach" Sasha said

I don't know what I'd do if I lost Sasha or Connie.. I don't know how I'd be able to live with myself

I brought Sasha and Connie in for a hug

"I love you guys" I said

"I love you guys, too" Connie said

"I love you, too" Sasha said. We all broke apart

"Guess you can be punished for killing Titans.."

"It's weird, but those were valuable test subjects"

"Sure, but why look for the culprit among us trainees?"

"Yeah. We just finished the battlefield clean-up today. Everyone's exhausted"

"They must've really hated Titans" Connie said

"Yeah. But in reality they've ended up helping the Titans.. Their desire for vengeance may have been fulfilled, but it's a blow to humanity" Armin admitted

"I think I kind of get why they did it because I'm also an idiot.. Before I saw the Titans, I seriously planned to join the Survey Corps. But I never want to see another. And today, we have to decide which force to join" Connie said

"We should join the Military Police" I muttered looking at Connie and Sasha. Sasha nodded. Connie looked at Jean and then shook his head

"Damn it" He muttered. I looked over to see Jean's hand. It was in a tight fist

"Hey, Annie, what did you think? Even Jean said he's joining the Survey Corps" Connie said

"Huh? Jean said that?" Armin asked

"Nothing in particular" Annie said

"You're joining the Military Police, right? Maybe I should, too. Y/n and Sasha are thinking of doing it" Connie said

"If someone told you to die, would you do it?" Annie asked

"What? Of course not" Connie said

"Then why not make your own decision? Armin, what about you?" Annie asked

"I.. I think if you know why you have to die, there are times when you simply must. Not that I want to" Armin said. My eyes widened

Do I want to live and hopefully not die a meaningless death? Or do I live knowing that no matter how I die, my death will be meaningful?

"I see.. You've made your choice" Annie said

"Yeah. I've been thinking about doing it for a long time" Armin said

"Seriously? Armin, you, as well?" Connie asked

"You're weak, but you have guts" Annie said

"Th-Thank you. Annie, you're actually pretty nice, aren't you?" Armin asked. Annie looked at him caught off guard

"It seems like you don't want us to join the Survey Corps. Isn't there a reason you want to join the Military Police?" Armin asked

"Not really. It's only that I want to survive" Annie admitted

-----

I was leaning against a wall. Connie was sitting on the ground while he leaned against the same wall. Sasha stood next to me. Armin and Annie were doing the same. Other Trainees were here. This is where the speeches would be given before we chose our branch. The Military Police, the Garrison, or the Survey Corps

Jean approached us

"Jean.. You're really joining the Survey Corps?" Armin asked

"Yeah" Jean said

"Why, all of a sudden? I mean.. Aren't you scared?" Sasha asked

"Huh? Of course I don't want to join the Survey Corps" Jean said

Then why are you?

"Th-Then why.." Connie said

"It isn't that I decided the Titans don't scare me. And I won't say something like, 'The best should join the Survey Corps.' I'm not as eager to die as some" Jean said

"You mean Eren? He already joined the Survey Corps" Connie said

"Trainees, line up! Line up before the stage! Line up before the stage!"

"I'm not risking my life because someone convinced me. This is a job you can't do unless you decide for yourself" Jean said before walking away

-----

We were lined up. It was dark now. The fires around us were the only sources of light. All of us were here to listen to the Survey Corps. Before we decided where we wanted to go. A man with blonde hair and big ass eyebrows stood before us

"I am Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps. Today, you will choose a military branch. Put bluntly, I'm here to persuade you to join the Survey Corps. During the Titan attack, you learned how terrifying they can be. And how limited your own power is. However.. This battle brought humanity closer to victory than it's ever been. Through Eren Jaeger's existence. By risking his own life, he's proven himself, without a doubt, a friend to humanity. With his help, not only did we stop the Titans' advance, but we have a way to discover their true nature" Erwin said causing all of our eyes to widen in shock

"We believe that in the basement of his Shiganshina home, there are answers about the Titans that he himself doesn't have. If we can reach that basement, we will find a clue that will end this century of Titan rule" Erwin said. I looked over to see Bertholdt completely shocked

"The basement?" Reiner asked

"We've already advanced that far?"

"If we learn what they are, we can end this!"

This is crazy

"We will head for the basement in Shiganshina. However, that requires us to take Wall Maria. In other words, our objective hasn't changed" Erwin said. The girl with bright red hair from before and a man with a small mustache and some beard hair held up a map

"But with the Trost gate sealed, we'll have to take the long way around, from Karanes to the east. The four years we spent laying a route for a large army have gone to waste. In those four years, more than sixty perfect of the Survey Corps lost their lives. Sixty percent in four years.. An insane figure. Any trainees who join will participate in our excursion beyond the walls, in a month. We expect thirty percent won't return. In four years, most will be dead. But those who survive will become superior soldiers with a high survival rate. Knowing these discouraging facts, any still willing to risk their lives, remain here. Ask yourself.. Are you willing to offer your beating heart for humanity?" Erwin asked. There was silence

"That is all. Anyone who wishes to join another branch is dismissed" Erwin said before walking away. People began to leave. I watched Annie leave

Should I leave?

I stayed put as I watched a lot of people leave. It made me want to leave, but my feet wouldn't move

I don't want to face them again

At the end there were only a handful of us still standing. Erwin was in front of us

"Can you die if you're ordered to?" Erwin asked as he looked at us

"I don't want to die!" Jean yelled. Erwin smiled

"I see. I like the looks on your faces. Then I welcome everyone here to the Survey Corps! This is a true salute! Offer up your hearts!" Erwin yelled. We all saluted

I'm so stupid

"Everyone.." Armin muttered

"This is terrible. The Survey Corps.." Jean muttered

"I'm scared! I want to go home.." Sasha muttered

"I don't even care" Connie said

"For fuck's sake.." I muttered

"If you were going to cry, you should have left" Ymir told Christa

"You have done well to endure your fear. You are brave soldiers. You have my heartfelt respect" Erwin said

-----

I was actually apart of the Survey Corps. I really signed up for a suicide mission

"Salute!"

We all saluted as we stared at the horses

"I'm Captain Ness. And this is Shallot, my horse. She loves to chew off your hair, so be careful if you don't want to be bald. Nice to meet you all!" Ness said before Shallot bit the bandana off of his head. Ness grabbed the bandana and fought with the horse for it

"Hey! S-Stop it, Shallot! Hey, someone grab her!" Ness yelled

-----

Our training began the next day. Instead of practical training, it was mostly memorizing the long-range scouting formation Commander Erwin had devised. Strangely, while it was written in exacting detail, Eren Jaeger's position was nowhere to be found

We were all sitting as we listened to Ness

"You new recruits will be here. You'll be between the cart guard team and the recon support team. Your job will be to ride alongside the spare horses and relay messages" Ness said. The day was long but eventually studying time was over. The sun was setting as we walked outside. We saw Eren

"Hey, Mikasa! Armin!" Eren yelled as he rushed over to us

"Eren.." Mikasa said as Eren smiled

"Feels like it's been a long time!" Eren said happily

"Eren, did they so anything bad to you? Like investigating every square inch of you? Or psychological torture?" Mikasa asked as she grabbed Eren's hand

"No way" Eren said

"That short guy went too far. Someday, I'll see him pay for it" Mikasa said with a threatening tone

"You don't mean Captain Levi, do you?" Eren asked

"Hey, Eren!" I said with a smile

"It's been so long" Sasha said

"What? Everyone's here? But if you're here, then.. That doesn't mean you joined the Survey Corps, does it?" Eren asked

"Is there any other reason we'd be here?" Connie asked

"So only Jean, Annie, and Marco joined the Military Police?" Eren asked. I felt sick to my stomach as the image of Marco played in my mind. I covered my mouth

He doesn't know Marco's dead

Jean walked up from behind. I felt a hand on my shoulder. Eren turned around

"No way.. Not you, too!" Eren said

"Marco's dead" Jean said. My knees felt weak

"What was that? Did you say Marco's dead?" Eren asked

"Seems not everyone gets a dramatic death. I don't even know how he died. He died without anyone knowing, or anyone seeing" Jean admitted

"Marco.." Eren muttered

"Hey, new kids, get over here!" Ness yelled. I uncovered my mouth as I looked up

"Your uniforms are here!" Ness yelled. We all walked over and put on our uniforms

-----

"Are you really.." Eren said to Mikasa

"Yes, we'll also be participating in the mission" Mikasa said

"Hey, Eren. I heard that when you turned into a Titan, you tried to kill Mikasa. What does that mean?" Jean asked. Eren's eyes widened

"No. Eren was trying to hit a fly.." Mikasa began

"I wasn't asking you" Jean said which made Mikasa's eyes widen. That's when I noticed there was a wound on Mikasa's cheek

Did he actually attack Mikasa?

"Mikasa, it looks like the wound on your cheek is pretty bad" Jean said. Mikasa covered her wound

"When did you get that?" Jean asked. Eren looked at the floor

"I've heard it's true. When I became a Titan, I tried to kill Mikasa" Eren said

What do you mean you heard?

"If you heard, then you don't remember it, right? In other words, you had no idea you even had this Titan powers, and you don't have the means to control it" Jean said

"Yes, that's right" Eren admitted. Jean sighed before turning and looking at us

"Did you hear that? This is the situation. Humanity and our lives depend on him. We'll probably die just like Marco, without Eren ever realizing it" Jean said. My eyes widened

He's not wrong

"Jean, what's the point in asking Eren these questions now?" Mikasa asked

"Listen, Mikasa. Not everyone's like you, willing to die for Eren's sake with nothing in return.. We should know what we're dying for. Otherwise, we will hesitate when the time comes. We want something in return from him. So let me see what he has to offer. And whether it's worth my life" Jean said before he approached Eren. He put his hands on Eren's shoulders

"So, Eren.. I'm really counting on you" Jean said

"Right" Eren said

Our lives all depend on Eren

-----

We were all ready. Our first mission. Real mission. We would be leaving the gates. The bells were ringing. I sat on my horse

"We've driven away all the Titans in the area. Thirty seconds until we open the gate!"

Thirty seconds had passed

"It's time! Humanity will take another step forward. Show me what you can do!" We all cheered as the gate began to open

"Open the gate!" Once the gate was fully open, we got the order

"Advance!" Erwin yelled, leading us. We all followed him

"We will now begin the 57th expedition beyond the walls! Onward!" Erwin yelled

(

2843 Words)
2/20/21

Edited: 02/13/22