A lot of people when I was used to be able to show up at lgbtqa+ events before they even looked at the pins on my baseball cap that I got from my brother, assume that I'm lesbian or some shit. But when they looked at my pins, they realized how wrong they were, and I always laugh at how their faces twist in utter embarrassment. Oh, and what do these pins stand for in the lgbtqa+ community, you ask? Asexual and Transgender. Yeah, apparently people never get that until they look at my cap.

           If you couldn't tell, I love my cap. Three of the main reasons: One: it was from my brother, who has went to college recently, Two: Me and him used to play baseball all the time, Three: The only thing that keeps people from thinking that I'm lesbian girl because it holds my pins. So when my mom first told me to put it away once, I thought she was joking. But then she told me all this other bullshit about how it shows disrespect to the family name. 'Do I look like I fucking care, mom?' I responded her with.

          Apparently that also counted as disrespect. And I have been disrespecting and disappointing the fam ever since. Except for Quinton, (the brother that has gone off to college), he seems to understand, and I usually contact him when the rest of the fam tries to hurt my feelings. But the rest of the fam... there's a lot to count, it's like my mom and dad were rabbits, so when six other siblings, the person who gave birth to me, and the person who's even barely here but whatever: tries to hurt you and shame you, you feel like you need to defend yourself. 

         Which is exactly what I do, and apparently that also counts as disrespect. I barely even bother when mom even says the word, it floats above my head. It doesn't affect me anymore. But being cramped in a van with your mom who probably absolutely despises you by now, leaving the rest of your ginger siblings that usually are jealous when left behind, are super excited and even wave to you: does. Which if you haven't already guessed, is the situation I was in.

             "Sooo, mom, where are we going?" I asked, since I haven't even gotten a clue from her where we were going. She sighed, "Alexis (that's my dead name by the way), you're going somewhere you can be fixed, and get to be the little girl you're supposed to be." I glared at her, "First of all, it's Alex, mom, Two; what the hell do you mean by 'fixed'?, Three: I wasn't even comfortable with my body in the first place, meaning I didn't want to be a girl in the first place, which if you actually cared about me: you would say that I was a guy, which is what I am and you needa fuckin' accept it."  She mocked me, "First of all, young lady, I named you Alexis, and that's who you are, Two: Meaning you'll stop acting like you're not a young lady and that you aren't going to love romantically, because believe me honey, you are going to love in the future, Three: You'll get comfortable in your own skin after your acne heals up and you grow older." When you grow older you'll understand, when you're older you'll be with someone hand in hand, when you're older you'll accept that you're a girl and not pretend you're a boy.

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       She's told me these phrases since I put the pins on my cap. I've always wanted to tell her: But what if I've grown old and never 'understand', What if I still won't wanna be with someone when I'm older, and: Have you ever heard of adult transgenders? Yeah, they fuckin matter, bitch, and they have brains. I just rolled my eyes, "So growing up is all I have to do?" She nodded with a smile as if I was actually gonna fuckin agree with her.

             "So when I turn eighteen and still haven't gotten rid of my pins, will you get rid of me finally?" I asked, watching her shit eating smile turn to ashes. "Alexis honey, I'm sure you'd mature enough by then at least, plus this camp has promised that they'd fix you. You'll finally be our girl, and if you don't get fixed at the camp, I won't get rid of you, I'll just fix you myself." She responded, fixing her frown into a simple sad smile. "How do you fix something that's not broke? Break it?" I asked, rolling my eyes. She sighed, "You are really hard-headed.." "And that's probably the only thing we'll agree on." I smiled, which I haven't done in a long time.