Everyone has their ups and downs.

Everyone has a past they'd like forgotten.

Everyone has their triggers or things that could cause them to snap at any given moment.

Everyone has their period of time better forgotten then remembered.

But it seems that no matter what that is, no matter who either, that is the last thing they would ever be able to forget.

Instead it's just always there.

No matter what is happening, or what day, it's there.

It just depends how they show it, or rather how much they do or don't.

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Chris was crying alone in his bed in the dark. Normal routine at this point.

It had only been a week after all.

It would at least take a week for him to start to feel normal.

You can't just heal with a snap of your fingers.

Despite how much Chris wanted it to be real, it would never be the truth.

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Nick was just sitting in his room, a hundred questions flooding his mind.

In his hands was a piece of paper, covered in his own tears.

It had only been a week after all..

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....

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No one asks for the hand they're delt.

No one asks for the problems they're given.

Despite all the people who like to fake it.

All the ones who jokingly call people depressed not knowing they actually are.

Those who make jokes about cutting their own wrists.

Those who joke about one taking their own life.

The people who wish to be depressed or fake it just for attention.

Why would anyone want the pain some of us are forced to remember?

Why would someone want to feel the pain constantly no matter what day, just always there?

Same with the lovely thoughts that trail along or after it.

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"I don't wanna." Matt says as Nick mentions getting up.

They had just woken up on their floor tangled together.

"But I don't want to lay here anymore. My neck and back are killing me." Nick responds.

"But standing up takes energy!" Matt says back not wanting to get up still.

"Come on, what kind of argument is that?" Chris says laughing a little at his brother ridiculous statement.

"Standing up doesn't even take that much energy. It's not like you'll faint or collapse if you do." Nick adds a little annoyed at his brothers persistence to sit on the floor.

"I could. I still technically have my fainting disorder."

Both of his siblings eyes widen at the recall of his disorder.

"Oh yea.." Nick says quietly having completely forgotten about it.

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It hurt more than anything.

It hurt like straight pain.

Like someone grabbed your heart out of your chest.

Reached through your skin themself, and pulling it from your ribcage.

Then threw it down on the group and literally ran it over.

And then they put it back and only tried to fix it with a couple band-aids and some duct tape here and there.

Yet you could still feel it all.

All of it.

You would yearn for the times before it happened.

Yet you never would get them.

You should live like you only get one chance, because sometimes you do only get one.

You do only live once, after all.

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We all have our own ways we deal with things. For Chris, it was crying.

And crying.

And crying.

Yes, he would stop.

Yes it would go away.

But it would always start again.

Like he picked right back up in his sad excuse of a life and clicked the play button to resume right where he left off.

He would never be the same again.

Never feel whole again.

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Nick, however, would talk to one of his friends here and there.

That was his way of coping.

He would talk to Chris but Chris never wanted to talk about it.

So he would talk to Laura or Madi or someone.

He considered taking him and Chris to a support group for how bad it had gotten.

They weren't healing even the slightly and that wasn't good.

Even if it took awhile. They should still be healing enough to show signs they were healing.

But there was no improvement.

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...

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"Matt! I don't understand why you're being like this! You can't spring on us you've fainted way more times than what we thought you did and not fucking explain! I think we have the right to know!" Nick snapped back at Matt.

"Just leave it alone, Nick!"

"No! I'm fucking worried about you! You can't just not fuckin explain!"

"Just fucking drop it you dumbass!"

Nick and Matt screamed back and forth as Chris just watched.

Chris didn't know what to say.

He was in shock.

How was his own brother so sick and he didn't even notice?

How did he and Nick both not notice?

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They both felt guilty and regretted what they did or didn't do.

It was normal to feel guilty.

It was a stage after all.

They just wanted it to not have happened.

They just wanted to not have to be dealing with this pain.

The pain no one should have to go through.

The pain that eats you alive.

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Chris had at least lost 10 pounds. He wasn't eating.

Sometimes...

He just lost his energy. To do anything really.

Even basic needs.

He lost his spark as well.

He was quiet and hardly ever talked when he did.

He was less cheery and energetic no matter how little or much he slept.

He lost a lot of things that day.

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Nick did too.

He would never talk unless spoken to.

He stopped going on 5 ninute rants about everything or anything.

He stopped expressing his interests.

He stopped talking about what made him happy and what brings him joy.

He would still eat normally, but not a lot.

I guess it's better than nothing...

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...

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"No! I will not drop it Matthew! We need to know more so we can help you! It's not good to hide these things from people!" Nick snapped getting really irrational towards Matt.

"Oh my god Nick! Why don't you understand something hurt to think about! Why don't you understand that it brings me so much flashbacks and mental pain? That I fucking remember everything ever done to me? How much pain it brought. How discomforting it was when they had to tube feed me. Do you ever wonder why I became numb to needles? It's from all the times I was poked and tested over and over again. Why can't you just fucking understand I don't feel comfortable or stable enough yet to open up about it?" Matt said back.

Nick couldn't connect the dots so Matt did for him.

Instead of dropping it, he made things worse.

"Because I can't fucking understand shit until you spill it and stop being so fucking dramatic!"

That shocked Nick as much as it shocked Matt and Chris.

He didn't mean it.

He didn't mean to snap at Matt.

He didn't mean to...

But he did.

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The second week was approaching fast and they still showed no signs of recovering like they should be.

They tried therapy, but it didn't help.

Nothing could fill the void they now called a heart.

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Chris hadn't left his room in about 3 days. It hurt going up the stairs to the floor where Matt's room was..

It hurt even walking out into the hallway where the garage door was..

Everything at this point reminded him of Matt..

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Nick was doing the same..

He ghosted just about everyone..

Nothing seemed right anymore.

People say talking takes the pain away, but maybe it wasn't true afterall..

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....

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Matt left the house.

He grabbed his keys and left.

"Matt!" Nick said reaching for his arm.
"Stop! What are you doing?!"

Matt didn't reply at he opened the door and stepped out and got into the car.

"Chris! Why the fuck would you say that?!"

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That would be a day they would never forget.

It would haunt them forever.

They were the reason they were no longer triplets...

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Chris regretted snapping at Matt everyday.

How could he be so insensitive?

What would snapping at him help?

Nothing.

Rather it would make everything worse.

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If only I tried harder.

Nick thought as he was staring at the wall.

If only I had held his arm a little tighter..

If only I would've gone with him..

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......

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Kay, so this has taken forever because I haven't been finding the motivation to write. This isn't finished but I want you all to see i have been working on something so here is a part of it. Let me know what you think and if you want an other part to this.

-Soph ♡