I couldn't focus, my eyes zeroing on my son's unconscious form.

With jittering fingers, I unwrapped him from my makeshift carrier, laying him on the ground. My eyes glassed over as I fought the tears to look at my little boy. His chest rose and fell, yet my mind kept repeating what my heart feared, ' you killed your own son, you killed your own son'.

Around me I could hear shouts of help, hands which tried to pull me away but today I was a mountain which couldn't be moved.

" No -no. No I'm not going anywhere, " I said absently, my son breathed softly and my stupid mind tricked me into thinking that it was slowing...

It might have been ages, watching him, not letting anyone touch him. My heart wouldn't let me give him over to anyone, holding him close to my chest, rocking him as if it could help.

That was when I felt two familiar hands envelop my shoulders and I heard a distinct murmur in my ear, " Let him go priye, you haven't hurt him, but he needs air. He needs to breathe priye, "

" No -no. " I shook my head, shifting away as those hands tightened around me, then came up to hold my face with a firm grasp.

" Sagarika! Let him go! " I heard the voice shout as my mind finally caught up, watching as the poor boy was about to lose his breath as I had him tucked in my bossom.

With a sudden gasp, I pushed his face away, watching as he took in a big breath, even as his eyes remain closed. Those beautiful blue grey eyes, ones which made me realise that I could make something perfect too, just like Madhu.

I had two arms pick my child up as they took him away.

" Abhi? No no. Please don't -"

" Sagarika. Please, look at me, " I heard a voice plead and I looked into the eyes which I loved most in the universe.

" Please, he'll be fine, calm down-"

" You want me to calm down! I hurt my child! " I yelled, staggering back as I looked around the room, when my eyes fell on my culprit.

" You! You told me to fight! You knew he was there! You didn't give me a chance to move him away! Why! " I yelled in his face, I could feel tears streaming down my face but they were immaterial as I stared into the eyes of the one I trusted without fail.

" I trusted you! " I screamed and he hung his head, closing his eyes.

" Answer me! You were the one who said fight! Didn't you see! Were you blind! "

" Saag -"

" No! No one speaks today! This man has been making us dance to his tunes! Come to Dwapar yug! It's needed. Lies over lies till I had to figure everything out by myself! More lies when I asked for truth! My sweet sister! I asked you to keep her away from all this and you brought her here too! You know everything! You knew Yudhishthir had the weapon in him! You knew before we left for Vajji that it was here! Answer me Vasudev Krishn! You knew and you did nothing! "

" Karali -" I heard a soft voice call and twelve pairs of arms surrounded me.

No no... I wasn't done! Leave me alone -

But their embrace was far to strong, the love they brought with it enough to melt my anger, but it was replaced by grief, pain and guilt. Blood curdling guilt as I looked around me.

My sisters, all hurt, scars and wounds on them, AJ, sweet AJ stood by, he looked so worried that I felt he would melt down before me. My two devars, their eyes we're downcaste, ashamed of me I'm sure. After all, who would ever love someone like me. One who hurt her own child.

Yudhishthir, my lovely, darling husband stood by, his arms bound with bandages, even as his face was stoic as ever, I could see worry in his eyes as they kept flitting towards the corner where they tended to Abhi. Abhi.... The son I hurt.... I was one of the worst people in history. Who hurts their own child?

It wasn't Krishn's fault. He wasn't responsible for my son. I was... I didn't care. I wasn't careful.

I looked at Krishn, who knew everything I thought, a lone tear escaping his eyes, watching as I looked at him with guilt.

He was one of my closest friends, he was my god, he was my saviour in my hardest times... What all had I said to him.

My hand held my mouth as I backtracked on every shard of glass I had launched at him with my words.

" I can't be here. I hurt everyone. This is all my fault-" I moved back, nearly tripping as AJ moved to stabilise me.

" No no. It's my fault. I can't be here. No no. You don't need me -" I couldn't breathe, my heart was threatening to jump out , shattering under the guilt of every scar I saw in the room, every would every scratch. Even the lightest burns on AJ's hands from the heat we generated.

" Saag. No, come back. You're not at fault-"

But I heard none of it as I moved back, running out of the room, direction, unknown. My eyes blurred, I didn't know with tears or the speed I moved with. I could feel heat emanating from my body..

" No! No! " I yelled at myself, forcing the heat down but it wouldn't rest and for the first time in a long while, I felt myself burn.

^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•^•

The room was silent as we watched Saag leave, Yudhishthir, too stunned to move, his eyes kept flitting from his wife's trailing form to his son.

But most of all, I saw Krishn, his eyes wide with worry..

" Arya, we need to stop her, " Devi Kali said to Bheem who nodded, but Arjun interrupted them.

" No, she needs some time alone. She feels she is at fault, until her mind is at rest she won't be able to listen to any reason -"

" We don't have time for that Arya! She'll burn herself away ! " Devi Panchali said and I looked at her confused.

" But she is a flame, how would she -"

" She's a flame yes, but we have a tradition, with every offeratory made for us, we burn ourselves, completely and truly, as we are then reborn in our true forms yet again. Something akin to a Phoenix. " Devi said to me, her eyes widening in fear.

" But what's that -"

" Ajatshatru! She will use that heat as a means to end herself! The lines between humanity and her soul have blurred! If she burns herself now, her body will burn with it! " Vishwa fumed angrily, her hair sparkling with flames.

Dread settled in my heart but then I looked over to Yudhishthir.

He looked, in one word, heart broken.

" Jyeshth! " We heard two voices call as he shuffled back, his head hitting the wall.

" No, no no no. " Was the constant mutter that escaped his lips, eyes full of fear as he looked at us.

Krishn, being the one who retained his calm amongst all of this was the first one to act.

" Jyeshth, look after your son, I'll go and talk to —"

" No. Yudhishthir, you might stay with Abhi. But I will talk to Saag. Right now, she can't look at either of you without guilt in her eyes. I'll go, " I said boldly when I felt a small hand envelop mine.

" Papa, is bua okay? " Rudra asked as Devi burst into tears next to us, comforted by Sulo.

" No Rudra, but we'll go get her, okay? You and me. " I smiled at him, lifting him in my arms.

Yudhishthir still looked stricken, so I walked up to him, keeping a hand on his shoulder.

" Trust me. I know she'll be fine. I promise I'll bring her back to you, " I told him as he nodded his head. His jaw was set tight, eyes hard as he looked ahead, not meeting my own.

" It'll be okay Yudhishthir, just trust me, " I whispered and he was unmoving, eyes fixated behind my head.

I had just begun to leave when I felt a hand grasp my arm.

" Please bring her back to me, " I heard the softest of murmurs and my heart broke.

" I promise, " I answered walking out of the room.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Sooo... Sometimes I thought I don't give my oc's enough pain for them to be able to feel pain.... Sooooo

Anyways, tell me how it was and do vote  if you liked it...

Much love

Radhekrishn ♥