"You realised that only now?" 

What Zinnia asked took me aback for some minutes.

I wasn't sure whether I was being delusional or not. I mean, it was true that I always had a doubt lingering on my mind about this but I didn't expect my doubt to be true to life. 

"What?" I asked Zinnia to confirm that I wasn't just hearing things.

"I asked whether the fact that I have a crush on Amy struck you only now? An epiphany?" Zinnia asked me again with both her eyebrows up. 

I was silent for a few more seconds until my lips curved up into a grin like a Cheshire cat.

I knew it. I knew that my doubts weren't unwanted. I knew that my jigsaw wasn't fruitless.

"Oh my fucking God. So you do?" I smiled like an idiot. "Why didn't you tell me this before?" I asked as a wave of anger flashed over me.

Zinnia just grinned and went to take the bread from the toaster after that 'pop' sound was heard.

"Well I was waiting for you to ask me."

"I always had a doubt, like always. But then I just brushed it off, telling myself to stop imagining things," I continued. "So all this time, you had eyes on Amy?"

"Not had, I have. Yeah I do. I mean, she's cute and shy. Just like my type. And I know as a matter of fact that she's not a clingy one," said Zinnia.

I chuckled. 

"Yeah, you are right. She's not at all clingy with Ash. She gives him his space," I said after taking a bite of bread. 

When I looked at Zinnia, she was gazing at me. I realized what I have said right now and mentally face palmed myself. 

"Oh...so that's why you haven't made a move? Because she's dating Ash?" I asked her after gulping down the bread. 

"Well grounded," replied Zinnia. 

I nodded my head. 

"But she just started dating him like two weeks ago. You had enough time. Wait, when did you start crushing on her?"

"Well, maybe like two months ago. I wasn't sure whether it was just an infatuation or crush. But when she started dating Ash, when I saw them together at college, I was literally boiling with jealousy. And that's when I realized it's neither infatuation nor crush," said Zinnia, sitting beside the counter and taking a bite of her bread. 

I tilted my head as a sign of both confusion and curiosity. 

"It's love, Elka. I love her. I love Amy."

I was taken aback again.

Gosh, this girl is giving me a lot of surprises this morning that is making me nonplussed. 

"Are you sure, Zin?" I asked her to make herself realize what she was saying.

"Never been sure," she muttered those words with certainty. "I don't know when this bud of love began to bloom in me. It's just that whenever I look at Amy, my heart flutters like butterfly wings. I always wonder how it would be to spend time with her, to laugh with her, to hold her hands and all. And yesterday, when I saw her with that new haircut, I swear my heart skipped a beat. But, I obscured it."

She looked at me and her eyes held so much of sincerity and love, something I hadn't seen for the past seven months. It was definite that she wasn't playing with me.

"Did you notice that it's been like two months since Sandra came here?" Zinnia asked me.

Sandra was her partner. Zinnia met her at a nearby bookstore as Sandra was working there. And it was true. It had been two months since I saw Sandra.

"Yeah. You're right. What happened between you two?"

"Well, one day we were having sex and I moaned Amy's name," she said, looking down and fiddling with her fingers.

"What?" I cried out. "You must be fucking kidding me right now."

"It did happen," said Zinnia, looking at me.

I began to laugh my ass off. This was like one of the best jokes I had heard for a long time. I was imagining that scenario and the look on Sandra's face after she heard Amy's name. I knew she wouldn't have taken it personally as it was no strings attached between her and Zinnia. But still...

"Yo, enough with your laughter, dingleberry."

"Oh God. What did Sandra say?" I asked in between my giggles. 

"Well, she was obviously flabbergasted. But then I told her about Amy. She understood that and respected my decision of putting an end to what was there between us."

"So you are not in contact with Sandra anymore?" I munched on my bread.

"We are friends but not with benefits."

I nodded as I ate my bread.

There was a few minutes of silence between us and only the sounds of munching and sipping tea were heard until I opened my mouth again. 

"What was holding you back, Zin?" I asked.

Zinnia signed.

"I know that Amy is not into girls, that was a reason. And with that, she started to go out with Ash, the college hottie. So my hopes just crashed down along with my heart." Zinnia tried to put up a smile to hide her sorrowful face. 

"I'm sorry, Zin. I never knew that you were carrying this much pain all this time. I'm sorry for not being there," I apologized. 

"You don't have to apologize for anything, Elka. I know that you and Lily are gonna be there for me through rain and storm. But you guys would know about it only if I told you right? It was me, Elka. I didn't tell you guys. I just didn't feel like it. I'm sorry," said Zinnia, showing her sadness. 

She realized that there was nothing more to hide from me. 

"It's fine, Zin." I assured her. 

I patted her back with one hand while the other one was holding her hand. 

"You could still give it a try, Zin."

"What? How? She's dating Ash now. It's impossible to make her mine, Elka," said Zinnia with her eyes widened. 

"Yeah, she's dating Ash but I don't think it's anything serious. I mean, at least from Ash's part. I don't know what Amy feels as she doesn't say anything about it."

"Why do you think like that?" Zinnia turned towards me. 

"Once I asked her whether they took their relationship to the next level and she said that they haven't even been to a date or seen each other outside college."

"Really?" asked Zinnia, surprised. 

"Yeah. She told me that. She even said that they don't even chat or talk over the phone. What is there between them is just inside college. But once they step outside, it's like they are strangers. So I don't think it has a future."

"Oh, then what about Amy? Is she in love with him or what?" asked Zinnia, her eyes holding a bit of worry. 

"As I said, I don't know because Amy won't talk about it. But I think she's a little upset. After all it's her first time dating someone," I said, taking another bite.

"Ash is trash. What kind of a jerk is he to treat Amy like that? He doesn't even have a clue that a fucking treasure that should be protected and cherished and loved is right in his hands. Ash doesn't deserve her." Zinnia narrowed her eyes. 

"I know. Ash is a flirtatious dickhead. He doesn't deserve a girl like Amy. And that's why I'm telling you to give it a shot. The fact that Amy is not into girls doesn't matter because it's you, Zinnia. It's fucking you. Anyone nonetheless of the gender is gonna be head over heels for you. You are amazing. You are a beautiful human being. You are loyal to your friends, you care for others and you know how to make someone feel special when they think of themselves as nothing but worthless piece of shit. And that's all that matters to love you, Zin. One cannot deny the fact that they have fallen for you when they have seen your true colors. Trust me," I said, reassuring her that one day or another, Amy was going to be hers.

"Thanks, Elka. You have no fucking idea how much you have motivated me for today and also for my lovelife in the long run," said Zinnia, giggling. 

I laughed at her and said, "Oh not just today but everyday, baby." 

I passed a crooked wink at her and we laughed together. Zinnia was relieved that she told me about Amy so that she didn't have to carry it as a burden that weighs her heart down anymore. On the other hand, I was happy to make Zinnia's day. It felt so good to be there for her and make her smile whole heartedly after what she went through all alone. 

"Put my story aside. What about you, Ms. Tsundere?" asked Zinnia after taking another bite of her bread.

"Stop with that fucking name. And, what about me?" I asked, pouring water from Lily's favorite ceramic jug to a glass.

"What about your lovelife, Elka? Aren't you gonna date. Or are you thinking about friends with benefits?" Zinnia asked, wriggling her eyebrows. 

"No friends with benefits!" I deadpanned.

"Why are you always against friends with benefits, Elka? It's not a blot. It may be a stigma but it totally depends on a person's right and desire."

"I know, dude. I'm a person that firmly believes that one should speak his mind and live his life to the fullest and you know it as well. So those people who carry stigmas in their pockets can shove it up their ass. I don't give a fuck," I said as a matter of fact.

"Then what? You just become a hypocrite when it comes to FWB?" asked Zinnia, arms crossing her chest.

"I'm not a hypocrite Zin," I said, chuckling. "It's just that I personally think it's improper. I always think sex is something that is extra special as it involves two people showing their love for each other physically, through their bodies. The way they kiss, the way they touch, the way they hold each other, everything. Everything is so special. So I just don't get how people do it without love or genuineness. Call me archaic but I'm still gonna stick to my opinion."

"Yeah and I respect that." 

"Thank you."

"Ok, enough of that. Come to the real point. Aren't you gonna date?" asked Zinnia. 

"Umm..to be honest, I don't know," I said, playing with the glass of water in my hands.

"Quit saying 'I don't know' and 'I'm uninterested', just quit it, dude," said Zinnia, taking me off guard. 

"I'm serious, ok? I really don't know. It's just that I can't even imagine the thought of me being in a relationship, having commitments and if anything goes wrong, the upshot of that. The thought alone just scares the shit out of me." I drank water from the glass.

"Scares you? You are scared of love?" asked Zinnia, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Maybe," I said, looking at her.

"Yo, are you philophobic?"

I'm the one I should love in this world
빛나는 나를 소중한 내 영혼을
이제야 깨달아, oh, so I love me
좀 부족해도 너무 아름다운 걸
I'm the one I should love