"Amir... Hassana is dead."

A sharp sound pierced into my skull, the champagne glass, shattered at my feet. I froze and stared at her. Her straight spine, crossed legs, her face was a composed mask, there was something about her calm passivity that irritated me, scraped my spirit. I boiled over, righteously.

"Stop that." Two words.

She looked at me, her face squeezed into a question mark.

I started breathing heavily. My throat tightened. I swallowed a rock. "Stop. Stop lying to me! Stop fucking with me! What do you mean she's dead?!"

My organs were dead, my heart was on fire and my soul was writhing.

She's lying. She's lying. She HAS to be lying.

"I don't believe you." I spat out, my breathing ragged. "Don't. Don't think you can come here and say crap like that!"

She stared at me, a sad broken look that only made me angrier. "Why would I lie to you, Amir?"

I fisted and unfisted my trembling hands. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true, because I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose another person that's important to me. Not again. Not again. Never again.

"I don't know. I don't know and it's not true!"

I swayed on my feet, gravity disintegrated and the earth tilted on its axis.

She's not dead. She's not dead. She can't be dead.

"I don't believe you." I whispered. I looked at her.

She reached out to touch my hand, i flinched, glared at her. "Leave."

She sighed, shook her head, inhaled a shaky breath. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you."

"Grab your shit and leave!"

"Don't yell at me!" She shouted.

Her sharp, angry voice spread fire across my veins. She stood up, her eyes, fiery, angry. "No one yells at me! I understand you're hurt and angry and probably in denial but that does not give you to yell at me!" She inhaled, trembling, closed her eyes and clenched her fist around her chest. When she opened her eyes, there were tears, spilling out and she didn't look as composed anymore. "I... I lost my best friend, Amir. Do you know how it feels?" She whispered, her eyes, downcast, breathing laboured. Her voice, the bitter sorrow in it, tied me in knots. "I lost my best friend and I'm hurting too. I understand how you feel. Believe me."

No. No, you don't. You don't understand anything!

"She left you a letter." She continued. She sat back on the stool, crossed her legs and slid an envelope across the table to me.

I took it frantically, my hands, vibrating with anxiety that frightened me. I tore it open and read.

Amir,

If you're reading this, you've probably already heard the news. I want to let you know, that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Because of you, I feel alive again. Like I belong somewhere and matter to someone.

You mean a lot to me and I care about you a lot. I'm sorry you couldn't get to know the real me. I'm sorry I had to leave. I'm sorry you have to read this letter. I'm sorry if I caused you pain... But I had to leave. I just wanted all the pain to go away and I had to hurt the ones I love, to get that. I pray we meet again, someday. You will always be the prince in my story.

Hassana

I stared at the letter blankly, a depthless void, aching within me. The message was clear. This wasn't a joke. Hassana was dead and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to die too.

"How?" I whispered.

"She..." She wavered, gulped. "She tried to take her own life... Suicide. She wasn't successful, but... But she died the second day. Oxygen ran out."

I folded the letter carefully, traced the margins, memorized the words.

"Excuse me." I whispered to Giwa.

I didn't wait for her reply. I walked out of the kitchen and stepped into my room, turned the lock and rested my head against the door.

From experience, the panic attack should start in exactly two seconds.

My panic attacks started when I was a young prince in my father's palace. It started out as anxiety. Wanting to gain my father's love and approval, in everything I did... But he never noticed. I had a desperate, toxic love for him, but there was always that one child, he replaced me with, in everything.

After my mum's death, and my father destroyed her name and greedily sought to claim all her properties, my anxiety morphed into something much worse. More life threatening.

I had learned and educated myself on how to stop panic attacks from escalating to the point where it was life threatening. I learned what foods to avoid, the right breathing exercises to perform, what situations to stay away from. In order to not let it spiral out of control. To have a tight grip on it, to take the reins and control my attacks.

Now?

Now, I let loose. It broke free. I smiled at it and loosened my grip and let it go.

You're free. Wreck me. Fuck me up.

I slumped against the door. My breathing laboured, capillaries constricted and my lungs collapsed. I started gasping painfully for breath, slipped onto the ground and clutched at my heart in pain. I was taking in tiny little gasps of air that died at my throat, before even getting to my lungs.

I must have been crying, because my eyes tickled me with hot tears and my throat was clogged up with gut racking sobs. Gutteral screams, tearing at my throat.

Why is this happening? Why is this happening to me?

I stared at the ceiling and saw the stars.

Allah, why do you have to take everyone away from me?

I coughed back a scream, gripped my head tight but the pain in my head was nothing compared to the ache in my chest.

Take me. Take me, the same way you took mum. The same way you took Hassana. The same way you love to sit and watch everything go wrong in my life. Go on! Take me! Take me! Take me!

I lost my sense of sound, first. I already knew the sequence. My sense of sight would be the last to leave. It had happened three times before.

First, for an ice witch. Then for a gold digger. This time, for an angel.

And this will be my last. Ya Allah, this will be the last time I go through this, ever again.

I thought I had been heartbroken before... But this was worse. This was worse. This was hell. In its purest form.

Pain exploded in my chest and bursted into angry splashes of deep red and bright orange. Everything was happening accordingly. It had happened before... But this time... This time, I wasn't scared. I was painfully inhaling through a tiny straw... And I wasn't scared. There were nails and needles, puncturing my chest... And I wasn't scared. For the first time ever, I was in control of my panic attack.

I was hot and cold, at the same time. Shivering and heating up. My chest, ached like it was on fire. I squeezed my eyes shut and remembered that I was crying. My chest panged, I was breathing fire now and thinking yes yes, this is what I want. So this is what it feels like to die?

I was laughing and crying and slowly sinking into madness. My vision blurred and tunneled and I went blind and tasted colours and sharp sounds and everything mixed up and my brain couldn't handle all the information anymore and I was thinking, yes yes yes!

I blinked and blinked and blinked again, trying desperately to regain my sight but my vision only blurred further, hot stinging tears, splashed across my eyes. Somebody had taken a knife and stabbed at my heart and perforated my lungs and I wanted to scream again! Do it again! Again again again! until i couldn't feel anymore.

My vision stuttered out, bursts of electricity, zapping my veins, like every cell in my body was scrambling around to save me... I didn't even want to save myself.

"Amir!"

The voice was faint, garbled, gurgled and muddled in the background.

"Amir!"

Wha-

"Amir!" It was louder now, more defined. Feminine. "Don't do this! Amir, don't this! Please, don't do this to yourself!"

That voice. I tried to blink but the action ending up fogging up my sight. I tried to concentrate on the figure in front of me and ya Allah, I must be mad! Hassana?

Light hands touched my face, soft and cool, bringing relief from all the pain. "Yes, yes it's me."

Y... You're alive. I tried and failed to see her face.

"No, Amir."

You left.

"Amir, please."

I failed you. I lied to you. My father. I didn't-

"Amir." Her face swam into focus. I blinked and tried to focus on her but she was a flickering image, light and shadows, a hologram. "Amir, please." She was crying.

Why? Why why? Who made you do it?

"No one. No one, I took my own life."

Hassana.

"You're taking this even much worse than Giwa did. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I underestimated how much I meant to you."

Why? Why why?

"Too many questions, Amir. Too little time. I'm in a better place, but you must live. You will live. Promise me you will live. You will live for me."

Hassana.

"Say it. Say it, please."

Hassana.

"Please, please please please." She was crying now. Her beautiful face, twisted in grief, aching anguish, decorated her features. Looking at her, this foggy, flickering hologram, was more painful than any pain I've ever felt.

I promise. I promise.

The door bursted open. I heard Giwa shriek. "Holy shit! Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"Medicine." I croaked. "My medicine. Get my medicine. Bathroom. Bath-"

I heard her scramble around and realized I didn't want to die after all.

What was I thinking?

Hassana.

"I think this is it." I heard Giwa's frantic voice and felt her crouch beside me. She poured a handful of drugs into her trembling hands and before i could tell her the correct dosage, she shoved it right into my mouth.

I sat up, cringed at the bitter taste of the tablets and she shakily rose a glass of water to my lips.

I drank hungrily, like I'd been starving all my life.

I felt my lungs come to it's senses, my ribs stopped poking my sides, my heart slowed to a softer, more rhythmic pace.

"Are... Are you okay?"

I stared into Giwa's eyes, concern and dread, etched in them.

"No." I shook my head, breathed heavily. "No, I'm not okay. I lied to Hassana and she's dead and I'm convinced that I'm irrevocably losing my mind because I just saw her, I just felt her, right here. It was her voice and her face and she-"

"I think you should take a deep breath." Giwa cut me short.

"I'm not crazy."

"I never said you were."

I closed my eyes, sat up straighter and inhaled properly for the first time. "I'm not crazy," I repeated.

"I know." The look on her face betrayed no emotion. "I believe you. She came to me, too."

She stood up now, dusted off her skirt for no real reason. "We have a lot to talk about, Amir. I need to tell you what really happened."

__

We walked back into the kitchen, i stood across from her, downcast, suddenly exhausted. Tired. My legs were shaking. About to give out.

I closed my eyes.

"She died a month ago."

I swayed on my feet, she was watching me carefully, as if trying to determine how much to tell me.

"She attempted suicide," She continued, "she attempted suicide on her birthday, April 2nd."

I gripped the marble top counter, rested heavily against it, saliva thickened with fatigue, a moon in my throat, a planet on my shoulders. "On the 2nd?"

Giwa looked at me calmly. "Yes."

"She spent the day before, with me." I whispered, shook my head and stared up at the ceiling. The tears came, I inhaled. "She spent the day right here. With me... With my friends... All of us."

Giwa squeezed her eyes shut. "She attempted suicide, Amir... It wasn't successful... At least, not that day. She died the day after. We discovered the letters but our teacher adviced against telling you anything about it, so that you could focus on WAEC."

I nodded like I was grateful. "What happened? Why did she take her own life?"

It was premeditated, she told me, she'd been planning it for a long time... You see, Hassana has been going through a lot, much worse than we could ever imagine...

And as she talked, I looked at her blankly and tried to remain strong.

But at a point, I slumped into a seat and remembered Hassana's face. Smiling. Laughing, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

I held my head in my hands, my shoulders and chest, vibrating with sobs.

I cried quietly.

I cried for a long time.

__

"How did you open the door, again?" I asked her. "I made sure I locked it."

She shrugged, raised the bottle of water to her lips and gulped. "I have some experience in picking locks. I've been bullied and locked in a lot of bathrooms before I even reached ten. I had to learn fast."

I looked at her, her calm, serene profile, a faraway look in her eyes, and didn't doubt her story.

"I'm sorry." I whispered into the wind, remembering my outburst. "I'm usually a very quiet person. I don't go about yelling at people."

She turned to look at me, a shocked expression on her face, like I just surprised her, gave me a small smile, then turned back to look at the city below us. "Wow. You apologized."

I blinked at her.

There was that sad, empty smile on her lips. "You give off this proud, unapologetic vibe. I know you don't go yelling about, but I also know you're not the type that apologises easily."

I raised the bottle of red wine to my lip, took a long swing. Exhaled. "I don't even know who I am anymore. One moment, everything was fine. Everyone was happy. Now... Now..." I stopped, my heart, catching in my throat.

Asa was missing... For five days, no one had heard anything from her. Kam was losing his mind. Jemi was about ready to commit murder. Hassana was dead.

Where my heart should have been, there was a huge hole. Numbing pain. I stared blankly at the world below me. Cars, zipping towards their destination, with clear intent. Hassana was dead. Someone had left the earth... But the earth didn't stand still for her. It continued its usual rotation. Life goes on.

"Nothing is going right, Giwa." I closed my eyes. "I don't understand the point of living anymore. Why am I here? Why are we here, if it's only going to cause us more pain?"

Giwa glanced at me sideways and laughed nervously. "Woah, slow down, prince charming, we're not in the same boat here. You're on your own. Please, don't talk about dying while we're on the roof of a skyscraper. You're scaring the hell out of me."

I looked at her now and realized just how much she had changed. She used to be cold, unapproachable... An almost manic glint in her eyes when she stared down at her classmates and subordinates, eating up the fear she wielded over Castron students.

Now? She looked lighter. Freer.

It was evening and I had suggested we go to the roof because cold air cleared my thoughts and helped me think better.

She had told me everything. The whole story and she had broken into sobs, halfway through.

Hassana visited me on the 1st of April. Attempted suicide on the 2nd... Died on the 3rd.

It had been premeditated. She always knew. She had mapped out her life in a sequence of events and decided she was going to take her life on her birthday... Even before she met me... Even before I came into her life.

Things she had said, started to make sense now.

I'll never see you again. Dynamis will be over by tomorrow and I'll never see you again.

I'll miss you. I'll miss you very much.

At least. At least, I did something right.

Unadulterated pain, welled up in my lungs, emptiness gripped my heart as I remembered the fact that I had lied to her.

"It hurts you know?" Giwa whispered. "I never knew her. She was such a sweet soul and she loved so much and I took her for granted..." She shook her head, inhaled a shaky breath. "It's been a month and I swear to God, I still don't... I still can't believe she's really dead."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, the lie that was choking the hell after me. "The least I can do is honour her and try to live for her."

"Who was she to you? What were you guys really?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know, Giwa... I just know I liked being with her. Watching her talk... Just being in her presence... I didn't... I didn't fall in love with her... But I loved her... I don't know if you understand. I wanted to be her friend. I never took her for granted. I knew she was hurting but I never knew how much. I just wanted to be her friend... She deserved that much, at least."

Giwa left a little after dark, and I sat in my room, embraced by the darkness, lonely in my thoughts.

I examined her pen, the pen she had given me and decided to cherish it with my life.

At least, I was able to do something right, for once.

I took out my phone, dialed the number I had once blacklisted. He calls me twice every month, but I never answer the call.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, exhaled the burden on my chest.

I will honour her wish.

He answered the call immediately.

"Baba... It's me, Amir."

There was silence for two seconds.

"My son."

THE END

A/n

😭😭😭😭💔💔💔

Hassanaaaaa!!! My angel!! If i had any drawing skills watsoever, I'll make a thousand fanarts of her with wings and halos and just cry all over them...

But even in death, she's still powerful. Amir is finally reaching out to his father and hopefully try to mend their broken relationship. I didn't want her death to be meaningless in his life. I wanted her death to push him to do something... And he did.

Anticipate HASSANA by Tori, where she'll properly reveal the secrets behind Hassana's story. I know I can't wait.

On IG, now, I can devote my time to Kasa's third book, so, expect a release date soon❤️

Thank you guys for reading. This is the end of Glitter and Gold.🌹✨✨