Sabrina Woods

My short heels clicked against the white flooring as I passed the many uniformed men and women. I kept my eyes focused on the man ahead of me, my stomach clenching and twisting as the familiar chestnut eyes of Spencer Reid met my own. As I tried to settle the ever-growing knot in my chest, I focused on those eyes of his, remembering the warmth they usually brought me. Those eyes were the hue of every tree in the forest from the early light to the sunset, made all the richer by the golden light.

I almost smiled to myself as I thought of it, wondering how long I could think of him in this way before it all collapsed around us when he figured out what I'd been doing since his arrest.

I reached the awaiting visitation area, pulling the chair out from the small square shaped table. I was too nervous to say anything, and found myself chewing on the inside of my lip as I tapped my fingers anxiously against the smooth top.

"You don't look like JJ." Spencer finally said, his eyes roaming over my imposterous costume.

I cleared my throat, letting my grip tighten into my jeans. "Yeah, I don't think i'll be going blonde anytime soon. I don't think i'm pulling it off very well." My eyes darted all over the place as I lamely tried to make a joke. "Uh... it was the only thing I could think of to see you." I replied.

I subconsciously adjusted the blazer that hung around my shoulders. My head was itching from the blonde wig that sat atop my scalp, and I snuck a finger under the cap to scratch the spot quickly. Dressing up as JJ meant dressing like I was headed to a forma funeral.

Spencer's blank expression was unsettling, and I took note of the pale hue to his skin, feeling my stomach plummet. He continued to analyze my lame attempt at dressing up as JJ, and his lips slowly turned upwards in amusement.

"Hallie drew this for you." I said, trying to clear the tension that continued to build around us.

He smiled a little, his finger tracing over the drawing of himself and me holding Hallie's hand. His eyes flicked back up to me, and suddenly I felt my nerves rise all over again.

"Someone broke in a few days ago." I said, desperately trying to keep the attention off of myself. "We're okay though, Hallie is okay."

Spencer nodded as if he'd already known.

"The real JJ told me." he snickered a bit. I found myself relaxing a bit hearing his playful remark, and nodded too.

"How'd you get in?" he asked me after a moment of silence.

I shifted uncomfortably and laughed nervously, thinking of the hoops I jumped through to swipe JJ's badge.

"Doesn't matter," I said with a shake of my head. "Why you excluded my name from the list of visitors allowed to see you, is a more important question?"

Spencer sighed, running a hand over his face. "I don't want you to see me in here like this... this isn't who I am."

"You don't think I know that?" I asked quickly in a hushed tone, my eyes searching his frantically.

He didn't reply. Instead, he stared at me, his eyes analyzing my face. I felt my heartbeat start to pick up, hoping i'd used enough makeup to cover the utter exhaustion and drug abuse riddled on my features.

"What happened?" he asked, his head tilting ever so slightly while his eyes narrowed.

"When?" I swallowed hard, feeling my palms become sweaty.

"The last time I saw you; You fainted in the courtroom." he reminded me.

I sighed heavily, shaking my head. "It was nothing. I hadn't drank enough water, I was stressed, it was just too much." I replied.

"Did Nix give you something?" There was no hesitation behind his question, and his eyes bored into mine while he awaited my answer. I'd flinched as if he'd physically hit me, my heart now hammering in my chest.

"What?" was all I managed to stammer out.

"Did he give you something?" he repeated.

"Something like what?" I tried to act as though I didn't know what he was insinuating, and felt my body begin to vibrate with anxiety.

"You know what."

The look Spencer was giving me began to make me upset: my eyebrows furrowed, eyes narrowing as I watched him carefully.

"Is that really what you want to ask me?" I gritted out.

We stared at each other for a moment and his eyes softened, his previously angered demeanor turning disappointed. I held my breath as he began to ask the question I didn't want to answer.

"Did you relapse, Sabrina?" he asked me so quietly I wouldn't have heard him if I hadn't stopped breathing.

I had stupidly hoped i'd be able to visit Spencer without having to come up with any kind of lie about what I had been doing in his absence. But I couldn't quite decipher if I was more upset that he'd accused me right off the bat, or that he already knew the answer.

I couldn't control the sudden tears that gathered in my eyes, and I blinked quickly, wiping under the rim of my eye to clear the salty tears.

"Would you believe me if I said no?" I asked pathetically, any attempt of grasping on to my previous plan to avoid the subject completely thrown out the window. I felt my chest begin to tighten and fought the urge to stand up. My fingers stayed curled in my jeans, my knuckles turning white as I gripped them like it would keep me from falling out of the chair.

Spencer shook his head slowly, disappointment deepening his frown. I looked towards the ceiling as tears spilled out of my eyes, frustration tugging at my heart.

"Why?" was all he managed to ask, his head shaking, shoulders tensed together.

"It's not something I can explain." I cried.

"Try." he whispered.

It did not escape my mind that we were surrounded by other inmates and their visitors, but it did not make the situation better or worse. It was the look on Spencer's face that made me feel the most guilt and embarrassment i'd felt in a long time ━━ like i'd failed him.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, tucking the stands of the blonde wig behind my ears.

"I..." My mouth was suddenly very dry, and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. "Spencer, please.."

"I need to know," his eyes flicked to the table, his palm pressed flat against the cool surface. "Was it because of me?" he questioned, eyes finally meeting mine again.

My eyebrows furrowed again while more tears trailed down my cheeks. "What?"

"Did you relapse because of what I've put you through? Was this your breaking point? I know it's so selfish to ask." His question was desperate ━━ like he couldn't bear to hear the answer but would die if he didn't know it.

"N-no," I sniffled, shaking my head. "Spencer, no. Of course not."

"Was it him?" he asked after a moment of silence.

I sighed and let my face fall into my hands.

"What difference does it make? I did it because I wanted to."

"I find that hard to believe." Spencer exhaled harshly. "Who else knows?"

I pushed my fingers firmly against my temple, rubbing the sudden tension that began to build up. "Just you and Nix."

"How many times?" he asked.

"Twice." I had to lie. There was no way I could tell him i'd snorted an entire bag and still wanted more.

He eyed me suspiciously, and I found myself longing to see the boyish grin I'd grown to adore on his face.

"Are you..."

"I'm done." Another lie.

This appeared to be enough for Spencer. I assume he thought i had no reason to lie to him, and he had no reason not to believe me. I fought the urge to ask him the one thing that burned the back of my throat, the one question that made me think twice before I inhaled fairy dust every time.

"Does this change things?" I wanted to throw up. The question fell out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I felt fresh tears fall from my eyes, the hot liquid a stark contrast to my cold skin.

The guard who stood at the entrance of the area announced visitation was over. I didn't acknowledge the announcement, continuing to stare helplessly at the man I'd grown so close to, a sudden realization slamming into me as I watched him contemplate his answer: I couldn't lose him.

Unfortunately, my confession may have costed us any chance we may have had of becoming anything. The thought alone made my stomach turn, and I wanted so badly to take it all back. Rewind the entire encounter. Respect his wishes to keep me on the sidelines while he fought through this. It would've meant he'd never had the chance to ask me what he'd been wondering; never a chance for me to confirm his suspicions.

I hadn't noticed I was holding my breath again, but Spencer did. We were out of time, and it wasn't enough for him to consider my question. He gently told me to breathe as the guard walked towards our table, indicating it was time to go. I couldn't pay attention to him, I was lost in my thoughts and fears while I stared at Spencer. Even after having confirmed his fears, he still tried to calm my oncoming anxiety and asthma attack.

"Time to go, Reid." The officer spoke in a gruff voice, yanking Spencer by the arm. Spencer's eyes met mine and he gave me a small smile that did nothing to ease my aching heart. He nodded quickly at the guard, standing up to follow him. He gave me one last look before disappearing into the doorway with the rest of the inmates.

I stared after the now empty doorway for what seemed like a while, until someone approached me from behind.

"Agent Jareau?" I didn't turn around until they repeated themselves, forgetting I was playing dress up.

"Yes, I'm sorry." I murmured, standing up from the empty table. Everyone had cleared the room, and I grabbed my bag and walked quickly past the security team to my car outside.

I unlocked the car with shaky hands, my fingers trembling while I tried to start the car. I kept crying, small whimpers falling from my lips every so often as I thought of the disappointing glare I'd received from Spencer.

I leaned my head back on the seat, my chest heaving as I cried even harder, throwing the wig off of my head and onto the floor of the passenger seat. I clutched and scratched at my chest, the palm of my hand pushing pressure on my skin to try and ease the ache that threatened to rip me in half.

It felt like I'd lost something I never had, even though nothing had slipped past Spencer's lips to confirm or deny my question. But it felt like the silence was answer enough.

Things had already changed.

I hiccuped as I pulled my seatbelt across my body and clicking it into place. My fingers automatically reached for the gear shift, pulling it down into drive and inching out of the parking lot.

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AUTHORS NOTE.

Hello!!
I am so sorry for the long wait. I can't believe I haven't updated in almost two months.
I've been so busy with work & school I haven't had the time to sit down and get back into the groove of writing Sabrina's character.

I know this chapter is a short one ( ugh ) but I really wanted to update soon and thought this interaction would be perfect. Dying to know your guys's thoughts about Spencer & Sabrina!! also NIX & SABRINA !!

check out the edit I made for this chapter on tiktok! user: GOOBLERNATION

thank you to anyone who is reading!! your votes & comments mean so much to me! can't believe we are at 18.8k !!

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