❪ 𝗚𝗢𝗢𝗗 𝗘𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗚𝗛 ❫

𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗍𝖾𝗋 𝖿𝗂𝗏𝖾  ━━━━━━━━━━━━━
the pain of not knowing.  ╱  season three, episode three.

TOBY NEVER WAS a fan of thinking about the past, in his mind, it only brought you down. The past brought him nothing but painful memories, all of it something he would like to forget. The past felt suffocating, it reminded him of how toxic he used to be, it reminded him he had to hide who he was. He hated remembering what life used to be like, sure some aspects he missed, but most of the emotions and isolation he felt, he was better off living in this.

From time to time, Toby found himself reaching into the past and plucking a random memory that brought him joy but an overwhelming sense of pain. Toby liked to forget about his sister because remembering the person he loved so dearly made the hole in his heart that she used to fill grow larger. All the good and happy memories were spent by being glued to Sabrina's side, sometimes if he closed his eyes and imagined hard enough, he could still feel his seat vibrating as a harsh pop melody filled his sister's car as they drove along a dark road.  He could feel the leather handles in his reach, but once he tried to reach out, he remembered it was all a memory.

Coming back to reality is what hurts the most, not knowing if your sister is dead or not keeps Toby's brain filled with hope, and that was something he certainly didn't need. He hoped that his sister was safe and not constantly watching people she cared about die. Toby hoped that his sister wasn't plagued with the thoughts of her family being alive or dead. He hoped his sister doesn't have to feel like he feels.

The breakfast was luckily cut short by one of the Governor's men interrupting with an important thing that they had to deal with. Toby wouldn't lie and say he wasn't interested in what they were going to do, but he remained by Michonne and Thomas's side. The four of them headed out of the building, and for the fifth time today, the brazen Georgia sun stung at Toby's brown eyes.

People's eyes were immediately glued to them, curiosity and slight fear washed over their features, a scream of annoyance gnawed at Toby's throat, but he swallowed the need down. He could feel an awkward tension flow between Michonne and Andrea, but he remained quiet, not wanting to make it worse by calling them out.

He knew Michonne's feelings about the Governor were the same as his, they both held a harsh skepticism against the man, knowing there was something wrong with him and this place. Of course, they wouldn't say anything but they knew it. Toby wanted out as fast as they could, he didn't know if he could stay in this place any longer. The feelings and distrust he had for this place made him wanna run out the nearest exit.

Everything seemed to perfect, people being able to have a life in the apocalypse doesn't seem even plausible to him. The apocalypse never showed mercy, it just kept throwing problem after problem at people. It was as if everyone was drowning, some were able to make it back to the surface but some were just too weak and just let themselves fade away into the depths and they were eventually afterthoughts.

"I don't trust him," Michonne grumbled, her hands glued to her hips as she walked along next to Andrea and Toby. The boy agreed with Michonne's statement and nodded along with her.

"Why not?"

Toby let a scoff slip past his lips as he sent Andrea an annoyed glare, "There's something wrong with him,"

Andrea directed her skeptical gaze and the both of them, "Have you guys ever trusted anybody?"

Toby and Michonne sent each other a look of acknowledgment and nodded, "Yeah,"

Andera glanced at them with amusement, "Then give this a day or two, that's all I'm asking, some time to get our shit together,"

Toby grunted as he crossed his arms in defiance, "Our shit never stopped being together,"

"Didn't look that way when Milton asked about Michonne's walkers," Andrea snapped back, her tone testing and arrogant, "I'm surprised he didn't get a fork in his eye,"

"It was none of his damn business," Michonne clipped, her voice filled with frustration. 

"I guess it's none of mine either," Andrea sighed to herself, turning back to face the three behind her, "Seven months together, all we've been through, I still feel like I hardly know you," Michonne sent the blonde a small frown and Andrea glanced at her knowingly, "I'm sorry, it's the truth, you know everything about me,"

"You know enough,"

Andrea gazed at the woman in front of her, frustration swirling her blue eyes, "Those walkers were with is all winter long, protecting us, and you took them without any hesitation, that had to be-"

"It was easier than you think," Michonne stated grimly, the words made the three in front of her freeze.

Toby's mouth opened slightly, knowing how much Michonne felt about the walkers. He remained quiet, watching Michonne walk off leaving the three behind her, not bothering to look back at them. Toby felt a little sympathy for Andrea, he knew she felt like she was in the dark. He would be too if he wasn't there when Michonne got her walkers in the first place. A look of defeat filled Andrea's features, Toby's resolve was cracking and he looked down to his little brother.

"Tommy, go with Michonne, me and Andrea will meet you guys in a minute,"

The little boy nodded with no fuss or hesitation, with a smile he waved the two goodbyes and dashed after Michonne, calling her name with slight happiness.

Andrea sent a look of confusion, but Toby just shrugged, "I was hoping to talk about something with you,"

The blonde nodded hesitantly, "Anything,"

The boy breathed out a nervous breath, he gripped his hands as an act of anxiety, "So sometimes, well a lot recently, I've been thinking about my sister,"

"Okay, what about your sister?" Andrea asked as the two began walking down the street.

"Well, as you know I got separated from my sister before the apocalypse, and lately I've been thinking a lot about her and wondering if she's still alive or not, and I'm kinda losing hope, and I know you're going through the same thing with your little brother, and I know I've never asked you this before, but how do you keep up hope?" Andrea slowly took in his words, trying to come up with her answer. Toby winced at the small silence, knowing that he said too much and should've just kept his feelings to himself, "I'm sorry if that came out a little insensitive, I should've just kept it to myse-"

"I think about how strong he is," Andrea blurted over Toby's rambling.

"You do?"

The woman nodded, "My brother is the strongest one in our family, he's strong-willed just like you,"

"Really?"

"Oh, one-hundred percent," Andera confirmed, a smile twitching on her lips at Toby's sheepish features at the compliment, "And Toby, if your sister is anything like you, I fully believe she's still alive, I know it's stupid, but I believe, unless you see the body that there can always be a chance that your family could still be alive,"

Toby sighed in slight relief, feeling a weight leave his shoulders, "Thanks Andrea, I know I may seem harsh and standoffish all the time, I just want everyone I care about to be safe,"

Andrea laughed lightly to herself as Toby sent her a look of bemusement, "It's funny to think about but if you and my brother ever met, you two would clash so much, "

An amused smile tilted onto Toby's lips, appreciating how he can see this side of the blonde woman, "Really? How?"

"He's so social and optimistic, and you're so quiet and serious, oh, he would have a field day with you," Andrea teased, fondness swirling in her eyes as she reminisced about her brother, "I could see it now, he would be so annoyed by how standoffish you are, but I swear he would totally try to be your friend, just to piss you off,"

Toby rolled his eyes, giving her a look of amusement, "Sounds like a delight to be around,"

"Oh, he would grow on you," Andrea remarked, her tone filling with a slight sadness but it was still overall delight, "There was a guy in my group, a lot like you, and my brother pissed him off so much, but eventually he grew on him and they got along kinda good, well as much as Daryl could muster,"

"Well, one day maybe we can catch up and find your group," Toby mentioned, a soft smile twisted onto Andrea's face as she looked towards him.

"I'd like that a lot, I think you three would fit in perfectly with that group,"

Toby liked to think so too.

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TOBY FELT AN uncomfortable itch in the back of his mind as he went through his day, but nothing could scratch it. He didn't say much after speaking with Andrea, he just trudged along, following her and Michonne around like a lost puppy. They all spent most of the day exploring the town, Andrea spent those hours with a look of amazement washing over her face, while Toby and Michonne had a look of skepticism resting on their features.

There was a moment where Toby felt grateful for the town, that was because of the bright smile on Tommy's face as he looked around at the safety and people. Thomas actually found a group of kids to play with, sure some of the kids were hesitant because of Thomas being a stranger, but it quickly went away as they found the boy to be playful and kind.

A relieved smile twitched onto Toby's face as he sat at a table on the sidewalk, watching his brother play with the kids a few feet away from him on the green. A few parents came up to Toby in the past few hours introducing themselves to the boy, noting how polite and sweet his brother was. Usually, Toby would just nod at them and push them away, but he didn't want that to reflect badly on Thomas so he replied with kindness and a slight attitude, but the parents paid no mind to that.

Toby remained alone at the table, just as he hoped to be, there was a slight calmness washing through Toby, but he refused to get accustomed to it, he knew something was coming and he shouldn't get attached to the safety. The boy's face was often shoved into his notebook, sketch after sketch getting spilled into the composition book.  He saw Michonnes sulking alone across the street, he knew she wanted to be alone so he gave her distance. He didn't know where Andrea was, he knew she could handle herself so he wasn't worried.

Toby's foot tapped a random tune, his eyes never bothered to leave the notebook in front of him. He could feel eyes watching his every move, but he paid them no mind and continued to work on his sketch.

"That's really amazing,"

The unfamiliar voice made Toby jump, snapping his head up he met the vibrant green eyes of the enamored blond in front of him.  He gave the toned boy in front of him a once over, "Uh, thanks,"

"No problem," The unfamiliar boy smiles, soon taking a seat across from the brunet boy. Toby's look of confusion never lifted from his face as they continued to glance at each other, "I'm Nick,"

The boy stared at the outstretched hand that the blond reached out, but he never took it, "Uh, Toby,"

"Cool, I like your name,"

Toby sent him a tight-lipped smile, wanting this random boy to leave him alone, "Thanks,"

"So, I see you're new," The boy remarked, leaning his elbows on the table so he could lean his chin on his fist, "When the Governor told me we had a guy my age, I didn't expect it to be someone like you,"

Toby sent him a glare as he tilted his head in a taunting manner, hoping his brash words will make the boy go away, "What? Annoyed by everybody, especially random strangers that think it's okay to just sit at their table without asking?"

The boy laughs at the rough tone that escaped Toby, he ignored the words and gave Toby a smile, "I was gonna say cute but sure let's go with yours,"

Toby's eyes widened significantly, not ever guessing that the guy in front of him would've ever said that. The brunet felt a little blush burn at his cheeks, "I-Um-"

"Oh, my bad," Nick apologized, sending Toby a slight look of remorse and regret, "I didn't know you were straight, I usually come on a little strong, for some reason you just give off a little gay vibe, no offense,"

Toby scrunched up his features in confusion, "How?"

Nick laughed lightly, giving Toby a knowing look, his eyes never leaving Toby's frame, "I've been watching you since you guys got here, always do that to scope out the newcomers, there are some hot girls here our age, and you never gave them the time of day, and I know for a fact some of them were trying to get your attention,"

Toby looked down at his book, a feeling of sheepishness prodding at his cheeks, "People seriously can think about that stuff at times like these?"

Nick shrugged, leaning back against the chair, "If you find someone interesting enough, then sure, it's pretty easy in a place like this, people are always wanting someone to lean on to,"

"I kinda get it, but I'm not really looking right now, especially in girls," Toby muttered, not understanding why he was calmly talking to someone like this. He hated it and he wanted this guy to go away.

Nick smirked in triumph, "Ah, so you are gay,"

Toby sent him a glare, "It's none of your business,"

"I'm just saying if you're ever looking for someone to have fun with, I'm here," The blond flirted casually, Toby didn't reply but just sent him an annoyed look, "Well Toby, it's been fun,"

"Yeah not really, assuming my sexuality isn't really a fun time in my book," Toby clipped, his eyes falling back down to his book.

"I like you," Nick smiled, not being deterred by Toby's irritating features, "We should hang out, talk more about you, and your drawings,"

"Not likely," Toby replied, his voice cold but it lightly held a sickly sweet tone to it.

Nick snorted lightly, "You'll come around, I'm pretty fun to hang out with once you get to know me,"

"Bye Nick,"

"Bye newbie,"

Toby rolled his eyes at the nickname, wanting to forget the whole interaction in its entirety. He especially wanted to get rid of the slight intrigue that bubbled in his stomach as to who Nick really is.

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✿❣︎ 𝘼𝙐𝙏𝙃𝙊𝙍'𝙎 𝙉𝙊𝙏𝙀 ❣︎✿

HEY LONG TIME NO
SEE MY BABES!!!

I really hate this chapter tbh,
but I guess it's kinda a vibe.

It's a little boring and a bit of
a filler, my apologies, that's
just how it happens sometimes!
I still love Toby way too much.

And we got some convo about
Danny 🥰🥰🥰 I love him and
im literally so excited for them to meet!

Hope you enjoyed!