WHAT I WANT

The sizzling sound of meat cooking in the electric pan was like music to Seokjin’s ears. It was passionate, burning with intensity, much like his own desires. Tangy, juicy flavors filled the air, promising a meal that suited his refined tastes perfectly.

Seokjin had grown up in a house full of servants, never needing to do basic chores, let alone lift a finger. Maids were always on hand to help him change into his school clothes or tie his shoelaces when he was barely old enough to spell his own name. He could hardly recall doing anything for himself back then—there wasn’t much significant to remember anyway. Yet, one memory stood out: sneaking into the kitchen and finding his father there. That simple, unexpected encounter had become one of Seokjin’s most treasured moments.

Coming from an elite family meant spending more time with nannies than with his own parents. As a child, this left him feeling distant from them, but he came to understand with time. Life wasn’t always what it seemed, and as Seokjin matured, he blossomed into a gentle, caring young man. He preferred to observe his parents from a distance rather than be a burden to them, sensing that their lives were already filled with enough pressure.

Of all the events his mother hosted and the family dinners his father organized to rebuild their connection, those gatherings were Seokjin’s favorite, at least partly. The endless business talk and charitable discussions never bothered him much. What did bother him were the incessant phone calls that always interrupted them. It left him sitting alone, playing with his food, while his parents rushed off, kissing him on the head before hurrying to yet another urgent meeting.

A bittersweet smile tugged at Seokjin’s lips as he thought back to those days.

“How is it?” Rhea asked, her voice full of anticipation.

Seokjin shrugged nonchalantly. “Perfect.”

“If Seokjin says so, then it must be,” Namjoon chimed in before taking a bite himself.

Namjoon, ever the devoted partner, had mastered the art of echoing Seokjin’s thoughts. In his eyes, whatever Seokjin said was always right. So when the rich, roasted flavor hit his tongue, an unfiltered moan escaped Namjoon. He savored the taste and devoured the rest of the beef rendang without hesitation.

“It’s a meal made in heaven. I love it,” Namjoon said with a mouthful.

“I can see that.” Seokjin chuckled, leaning over to pick a stray grain of rice from the corner of Namjoon’s mouth, his smile widening. “Should I ask her for the recipe, babe?”

“I’d be upset if you didn't,” Namjoon teased, his eyes sparkling.

As Seokjin laughed again, his gaze softened with genuine happiness. Not just for himself, but for those around him. His eyes drifted to Jungkook, who was absorbed in teaching Jake, the seven-year-old ball of energy, how to hold chopsticks properly. It was a heartwarming scene, and Seokjin sighed in contentment. Maybe he had been too hard on Jungkook after that incident on his birthday which led Jungkook to meet Rhea.

In hindsight, if Seokjin had known how much good it would do for Jungkook, perhaps he wouldn’t have been so dramatic. Now, all he felt was gratitude, and if he were honest, a quiet joy.

Clearing his throat for effect, Seokjin turned to Rhea. “My fiancé is a fan of your cooking. If I want to see him devour meals like a grizzly bear every day, I need that recipe. Would you be so kind as to share it?” He exaggerated the ‘e’ at the end of “recipe,” making Rhea giggle.

“You’re adorable, Seokjin. But I’m sorry,” Rhea replied, grinning. “It’s my grandma’s specialty. I’ll need her permission before revealing her secret to the world.”

Seokjin clicked his tongue in playful frustration. “That reminds me of my father. He used to say the same thing when I asked about his cooking in his glorious days. He always told me, ‘You should watch the process closely rather than asking for the recipe.’ I never understood it then, but now, looking back, I regret not recording him—and you too.”

Rhea laughed. “If you had, my grandma would’ve filed a lawsuit for sure!”

“Oh, good thing I didn’t. I hate the court. I guess I’ll have to steal you from Jungkook whenever Namjoon and I crave some Indonesian cuisine,” Seokjin said with a sheepish smile, glancing over at Jungkook. “You wouldn’t mind that, would you?”

Jungkook, who hadn’t been paying much attention, looked up from his dish. He knew exactly where Seokjin was going with this. “Why would I mind that, Jin? She’s just my home caretaker. You can ask for her help whenever you need it,” he replied indifferently. He was fully aware of how his answer had changed the atmosphere for Seokjin, and that was precisely what he wanted as he watched a hint of mirth fade from Seokjin’s eyes.

Seokjin was confused about how to interpret Jungkook’s remark. He had thought Jungkook’s kindness toward Rhea was a sign of deeper feelings for her, but his casual shrug suggested otherwise. Seokjin wasn’t sure whether to focus on the logic of his statement or the fact that he was deliberately avoiding his gaze—knowing full well that Seokjin could read whatever was hidden behind his eyes.

He watched Jungkook closely, searching for any signs of hidden emotions as Jungkook buried his face in his food, eating quietly and avoiding further conversation while everyone else around him continued to chat.

“Yeah, that sounds better. I’ll gladly cook for both of you,” Rhea said with a nod.

“Great! Let’s have dinner like this once a month,” Namjoon suggested when Seokjin stayed silent, visibly preoccupied with whatever was going on in Jungkook’s mind.

Jungkook hadn’t expected Seokjin to barge into his office and demand to meet Rhea and Jake just a week into the new year. However, he couldn’t think of a better excuse for Seokjin to finally talk to him after their last heated conversation. Seokjin had been ignoring him, but when rumors from the New Year’s party reached his ears, he couldn’t resist the urge to see things for himself and find out if there was any truth to the gossip. Unfortunately, there was, for once.

Jake had achieved something Seokjin hadn’t in nearly two decades: he had made Jungkook laugh and smile. Seeing Jungkook genuinely alive for the first time in a long while, Seokjin felt a renewed sense of hope. He believed this was the perfect opportunity to help Jungkook finally move past his obsession.

Jungkook, however, had different plans. 

Ever since the hallucination and the dream he had, he discovered a new passion that drove him like never before, and he was more determined than ever to pursue it. He wouldn’t let Seokjin steer him away from his goal, nor would he take the antidepressants Seokjin suggested, which would numb his senses. He knew Seokjin wouldn’t approve if he found out, but he had no other choice. He had lost many years and wandered like a lost soul, but not anymore. He would finally do what he had always known needed to be done. And no one was going to stop him, either.

They finished their meal in contrasting silence, with Rhea and Jake bickering while she cleared the table, and Namjoon laughing at their antics. Jungkook stepped out to the open space for some fresh air, and Seokjin followed him onto the balcony.

The January night was both eerie and cold, casting a chill over the city. Seokjin and Jungkook stood side by side, their hands gripping the railing as they looked out over the sprawling cityscape. Below them, Seoul shimmered with countless lights, creating a dazzling contrast against the dark sky. The city’s glow seemed to mirror the stars above, each twinkling light adding to the sense of quiet wonder and reflection that enveloped the evening.

The quiet between them clashed noticeably with the turmoil of thoughts in their heads. Both were slightly anxious, eager to see who would break the icy barrier between them first and speak. They had much to discuss—plans for each other that they struggled to express. Despite being grown adults, they felt like moody siblings who found it difficult to communicate after an argument.

“How have you been?” Jungkook asked Seokjin.

“Good,” Seokjin replied, slightly taken aback. He had expected himself to be the one to reach out first, as he usually did, but this time, he was proven wrong. “What about you?”

“Been better,” Jungkook said. He never imagined he would admit it, but there it was—no lie, just a heartfelt truth. Seokjin sensed the sincerity in Jungkook’s words and murmured that it was good to hear. Jungkook hummed in response, and they fell into a more comfortable silence than before. A bit of anxiety seemed to lift from both their shoulders.

They remained quiet after that, content to enjoy each other’s company for the time being. Meanwhile, Jake and Namjoon were competing in a video game on the TV in Jungkook’s living room, their cheers and competitive shouts muffled by the walls. Seokjin broke into a chuckle.

“They’re enjoying themselves, aren’t they?” he asked rhetorically.

“Yes, they are,” Jungkook nodded, smiling slightly as Jake yelled ‘woohoo.’

“I’ve never seen Namjoon act this foolish before,” Seokjin noted, just as he heard Namjoon’s wailing cry of defeat. “I must say, Jake is really a wonderful kid.”

“He is,” Jungkook agreed, his smile widening at the mention of Jake. Seokjin realized then that Jake might mean to Jungkook what Jungkook meant to him. The realization made his heart skip a beat and tightened his grip on the railing. How had he missed that before?

“That’s why you’ve seemed to grow so fond of him,” Seokjin thought aloud, more to himself than to Jungkook.

“Yeah, maybe,” Jungkook shrugged, misunderstanding the reflective tone of Seokjin’s comment.

Seokjin paused to think before asking another question that had been bothering him. “What about Rhea?”

“What about her?” Jungkook responded. Seokjin’s hunch about whether Jungkook liked her made him visibly tense. A similar conversation from the New Year’s party with Taehyung flashed through his mind. His reasoning remained unchanged, though. “I don’t. Have you forgotten that I'm sterile?” he said curtly.

“I haven’t, but how does that matter?” Seokjin retorted. “You can still date, and Rhea isn’t bad.” He leaned against the railing, observing Jungkook more closely. 

Jungkook’s face was now set in a grim expression, his eyebrows furrowed in a frown. Seokjin was reminded of all the times he had approached Jungkook with similar topics. “You know, having a partner when you’re infertile isn’t a crime.”

Jungkook scoffed. “I know, but I don’t have any feelings for her. She’s just not my type.” He shook his head and waved his arms awkwardly to emphasize his point. He had always suspected that Seokjin might try to set him up with Rhea, but he wasn’t going to let it happen.

Surprisingly, his answer seemed to convince Seokjin and defuse the situation somewhat. Seokjin eased off his probing and asked instead, “So, who’s your type then?”

Jungkook’s heart almost leapt out of his chest when Aera surfaced in his mind. There was something off with her; she seemed to avoid him whenever they were in the same room. Yet, Jungkook had caught her glancing at him more than once when she thought he wasn’t looking. She had also buried herself in extra work after office hours, and he stayed late intentionally to make sure she left before him. Jungkook was determined not to tell Seokjin about her, but Seokjin beat him to it.

“I remember you mentioning having feelings for a girl once. Is it the same person? I can find her for you if she means that much to you.”

Jungkook wished he could smack the version of himself who had revealed his love life to Seokjin. He must have been drunk to let something like that slip. At least he had the sense not to disclose her identity, though he was sure Seokjin would figure it out soon enough. For a fleeting moment, Jungkook wondered if Seokjin could actually put his power to good use and do what Jungkook wanted.

Before he could fully process this thought, he found himself saying it out loud. “How about you find out the other thing I asked you to on the very same day?”

“About Areum?” Seokjin questioned, recalling the vulnerable moment he had shared with Jungkook that day.

Jungkook had been utterly heartbroken as he recounted what happened the night Areum died, his voice trembling with confusion over how it all happened. The way his face contorted in grief as he sobbed, gasped, and reminisced about her was devastating. It was as if the pain had driven him to the edge of insanity. And now standing across from him, Seokjin hated seeing that same anguish etched on Jungkook’s face again.

“Yes, about her.” Jungkook clenched his fists.

Seokjin couldn’t hold himself back. He had tried very hard, but now he saw no reason to protect Jungkook when Jungkook clearly wasn’t protecting himself from the doom his stubbornness would bring. “Is that what you really want? After all this time, when you could have just let her go and move on?” he lashed out. Jungkook must be delirious, chasing after a void that couldn’t be filled. Seokjin was certain there was nothing left to mourn from the damage done years ago, but Jungkook struggled to accept that.

“Move on?” Jungkook snarled, his chest heaving with sharp, ragged breaths. How could Seokjin say that when everynight Jungkook was haunted by the echoes of a car crash and her screeching screams?

Seokjin must be blind not to see how deeply Jungkook had struggled with this pain for half of his life. Each morning, he woke up battling the memories and the weight of his grief, wondering what might have been if he had chased Areum that night and saved her life. She would have been at dinner tonight, laughing and chatting with her brightest smile. Jungkook’s insides churned; he was deeply scarred by Areum’s loss.

What would he have given to have her back?

It was this thought that made him spit out his next words, knowing he would regret them sooner than later.

“It sounds easy to you because you’ve never lost family, Jin. She was my only family. How can you not understand how hard it has been for me?”

Seokjin stared at Jungkook, hurt evident in his eyes. He had never imagined there was so much resentment bottled up inside him, nor did he ever think Jungkook would regard him so poorly. All his efforts seemed to have been in vain if Jungkook didn’t see him as part of his family, despite Seokjin’s dedication over the years. His love for Jungkook had blinded him to the depth of the pain, and he blamed himself for it. He was too stunned to respond.

“Is that what you think of me?” Seokjin finally asked when midnight had fallen. “Do I mean nothing to you?”

A rustle of wind swept between them, making their hair flutter. Moonlight illuminated Seokjin, casting a soft glow on his tear-filled eyes and highlighting his anguish. Jungkook, feeling a surge of self-loathing, struggled to look away.

“I... That’s not what I meant, Jin. I’m sorry,” Jungkook rushed to say, reaching out to take Seokjin’s hand.

“You said what you said, Jungkook. It’s not your fault,” Seokjin said with a laugh, sniffing. Jungkook held his hand tighter as Seokjin used his other hand to wipe away the tears. He hadn’t realized how much he needed this moment of breakdown to clear his mind. It had been a great help; he could now see past his mistake and understand what needed to be done.

“You’re not wrong. I’ve been selfish, never truly understanding your loss and turning a blind eye to what you’ve been going through. I’m sorry. I’ll make up for my mistake and fulfill the promise I made to you. You have the right to know what happened that night.” Seokjin sniffed again, struggling to hold back fresh tears. He was afraid he would fall as his knees buckled and he shook violently.

A strong pair of arms pulled him into a hug.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, Jin. You don’t know how much this means to me,” Jungkook said, burying his face in Seokjin’s neck. Every part of his body seemed to vibrate with emotion, his tears blurring his vision. He was overwhelmed with happiness, feeling a surge of relief that made him feel as if he could leap off a building in sheer exhilaration.

Seokjin felt some strength return to his legs and patted Jungkook’s back as he hugged him tighter. “Alright, alright, you’re suffocating me now.”

Jungkook let go and thanked him once more. He looked like a child as he rubbed his face with both hands.

Grinning, Seokjin ruffled Jungkook’s hair and put an arm around his shoulder, guiding him inside where a challenging game awaited them. They teamed up against Jake and Namjoon, playing with great heroism. Their hearts were lighter than ever, and their bond had grown even stronger.

Retrospectively, Seokjin thought he hadn’t made a bad choice in his life.