"Hey, François," he sniffled on the phone. "I did it again...what should I do?"

"Baby, what did you do?"

"I cut again..."

"Don't move, I'll be right there."

He laid in bed. He already bandaged and cleaned the cuts. He scheduled an emergency appointment with his therapist for tomorrow afternoon. He felt so damn stupid. He was five months clean at that point, that was gone. He tried to smoke, but he kept crying too hard to even turn on his lighter. He hugged the bear squishmallow, feeling too ashamed face the worried trio of dogs that sat by the bed.

He heard the door opening and closing, Blueberry going downstairs to investigate. They both came up a few seconds later. He sat up so François could hug him.

"Thank you for telling me." He rolled down his sleeve. "I'm so proud of you for bandaging it."

Lloyd muttered thank you as he cried into his shoulder. François sat on the bed. He never self-harmed personally, but Marcel did. He knew what to do. He spoke to him gently, held him, and kissed his head.

"Can you tell me why you did that? If you tell me, we could prevent it from happening again."

"Two reasons." He wiped his eyes. "The first one was because my period started, and that made me feel really bad about myself..."

"I totally understand that. Periods are super hard." He kissed his forehead. "What was the other reason?"

He started getting worked up again, so the other rocked him back and forth. He hated seeing him so upset, but this was a huge step. He was never open about these kinds of things a year ago.

"K-Kim."

Both their bodies tensed up. They silently agreed to never speak about him. They didn't go to his grave, bring up memories involving him, François even burned his photos, and the Catch 22 book, which was his favorite.

"Today's his birthday. I remembered how happy we were." His voice was tight.

François, still a bit shaken from hearing that name, sighed. "I remember that too. Fucking bastard. Even in death, he finds a way to torture you."

He looked touched his face gently, only having his fingers on his cheeks. "Franny, be honest; is it my fault that he went crazy?"

"Absolutely not. He was always crazy, you remember how he would just stare at things or say that he heard voices telling him to hurt animals?" He hugged him tighter. "If anything, he shouldn't have been listed in the first place, they gotta fix that in Korea."

There was a presence in the room. It was making the room heavy and human. Ben was on alert, his ears up and his hair standing up. Apple was standing next to him, her tail straight up. Blueberry was huddled next to François' leg, her eyes full of concern.

"I knew him better than anyone." He hugged the other's neck as he whispered in a broken voice, "He was my best friend..."

"Some friends aren't good, and you can't save everyone." Lloyd looked up at him. François wiped his tears with his thumbs. "It's not your fault, he was always a cannon ready to explode."

He sniffled. "I hate him, but I also love him. Is that bad?"

"No, not at all. I feel the same way about my mom. I hate her for what she did to me and my brother, but I also love her because we did a few good memories together. You could love Kim-" that left a nasty taste in his mouth. "-for the happy memories, and you're allowed to hate him for what he put you through."

Lloyd hugged him as he continued. "But you're not allowed to do is romanticize him. What he did was disgusting and triggered you, and shooting you was inhumane."

He looked down, his hands on François' chest. "Will he hurt me again?"

He pulled into another hug. "No, I made sure of it."

The sunlight shined through the window as Benjamin and Apple laid together, their paws touching. "How are you feeling now?"

"Better, but I still feel bad about cutting. I realized it was silly, but it just happens."

"It's ok. Here." he grabbed a pen from a nightstand and rolled up his sleeve. The ten bandages were teasing Lloyd. But then, he saw a heart on one of them. Then smiles, "love u", stars, and little dogs on the bandages. "Now when you look at them, you can smile at the pictures."

"You're the best!" He felt teary-eyed as he hugged him. "I love you!"

"Next time you feel like that, call me before anything, ok?"

"I will, I promise."

"Good." He stood up, holding out his hand for him. "I have something for you in the kitchen."

"I swear if it's another dildo."

They walked into the kitchen. Lloyd smiled when he saw profiteroles, wine, flowers, and a squishmallow on the table. François smiled at him and kissed his hand.

"I know these make you happy."

He stood on his toes to kiss his head. "I love you so much."

"Think of it like a late birthday gift." He kissed his face.

-------------------------------

That night when he was taking out the dogs, he called his parents. They told him to call them if anything happened.

"You hurt yourself again?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, dad."

"I'm not angry, I'm glad you told me. Are you ok now?"

"Yeah. I scheduled an appointment for tomorrow and François took care of me." He blushed, the butterflies in his stomach flying around.

"Did he now?" Beom was still cautious of François, but hearing that made him feel a bit glad.

"Yeah! He spoke to me and even brought me wine!"

"He's a good guy." They both smiled.

He could barely control his excitement. "He is, I told you all along!"

"If he breaks your heart, I'll still kill him." Beom smirked at the guard holding his pistol, winking at each other.

"A abeoji!"

------------------------------

The next day at work, François got a text. He almost screamed when he saw it was from Beom. That man scares the shit out of him just by looking at him. He took a deep breath before opening it.

"Thank you for being there and making sure my son was alright, Corporal Dauphiné. You're a good guy."

He fluttered. He actually likes him!

"Thank you, sir! I love your family and you're an honest man!" He was left on read, but he was still absolutely delighted.

------------------------------------

Therapy went smoothly, but they thought of something. Bottom surgery. It wasn't a terrible idea. He didn't even have to wait, he could get it done as soon as he wanted. He was eighteen now, he didn't need parental approval anymore. He mentioned it to his mother and Charles, both said it was risky and he really needed to think about it.

When the couple were in bed reading and watching Netflix at night, Lloyd asked the best person he knew for something like this.

"Franny, what was bottom surgery like?"

François raised his eyebrow, not turning away from his page. "It was risky and the recovery was difficult, but it was well worth it."

"Oh."

They kept reading for a while.

"I want the surgery."

François' eyes shot out his head. Lloyd hid half his face with his book.

"What."

"Like the surgery you had." He patted his leg. "You got it, and you're happy now."

François slumped in the bed, his hands on his face. "Sweetheart, it's very dangerous, and you can't take it back. It's risky."

"But everything's risky when you think about it. If I have what you have, I won't have periods anymore, and I could stop worrying about being exposed." He smiled as François felt sick. "Can you imagine? Me on the operating table, getting that surgery done?"

"No."

Lloyd was shocked. Of all people, he didn't expect François to be opposed to this. He was actually getting visibly perturbed, hugging Fifi and squirming around.

"Can you tell me why? I won't get angry."

"It's so dangerous. Some people don't make it out alive." He grabbed Lloyd's hand, stroking his knuckles. "Your heath isn't the greatest, and it's not a risk that your body can handle."

He thought about that. He already called his doctors on his way home from his friend's house, and they said that it has a likey chance of going wrong.

"It's only been on my mind for a day, I'm still not completely sure. I'll think about it for a while, but please don't worry about it right now." He moved closer to him to hug him, laying his head on his shoulder.

François patted his back. "Just know, whatever you do, I'll be there for you."

--------------------------

During that and the following month, François tried to sneakily convince him not to go through with it. He sent him articles of the risks and went with him to doctors' appointments. He even brought him a fake penis so he could practice living with one. The more time passed, the more the surgery was wanted.

Then, it was François' twentieth birthday. He tried to forget about his anxiety and enjoy the day. Lloyd brought him lavish skin care products, expensive jewelry, and took him anywhere he wanted. They went to his grandparents' house to celebrate. They had cake and wine. It was honestly a nice day.

The day after wasn't lovely. It started off normally, he went to work, came home, and went out with Marcel to just have some brother time. During that, Lloyd called.

"Franny, guess what?" He was happy to hear that cheerful voice.

"What, baby?"

"They approved me for the surgery!" He froze, Marcel noticing and giving a confused face. "It's on October 3rd, isn't this great!?" The other's hands were shaking. "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Congratulations, sweetheart! I'll be over soon to celebrate!" His voice was shaking.

"Can't wait to see you! Bye!"

"What happened?" Marcel signed.

"He's getting that surgery I got."

"Top?"

"The other."

Marcel smiled and hugged François. He remembers how happy his brother was before and after having it. When the surgery was done, he got to take care of him and draw him pictures. It'll be the same thing.

-----------

François drove his brother home and picked up a small cake. When he got at the house, Lloyd was excitedly calling everyone he knew. When he saw his boyfriend, he happily hung up the phone and wrapped his arms around him, kissing his face.

"Baby! Baby! They gave me testosterone jelly!" He pulled it from a bag and showed it to him. "Now we're T-twins!"

"That's great!" His lip was quivering, but he was able to form it into a smile.

Lloyd was basically jumping up and down as he told him that he would take testosterone just like him now, how they said he was clear for the operation, how exciting everything was. He'd never looked so happy before. They had cake, the other barely touching his piece.

"Heyyyy." He twisted his hair from across the table. "Do you wanna have sex? It's limited edition now." Such a comedian.

"Not tonight, I'm a bit sleepy."

"Mar wore you out, huh?" The other nodded, feeling lightheaded.

Lloyd walked up behind him and hugged his neck. "I'll be up there in a minute, just gotta make a few calls, babyboy."

François walked upstairs as he heard his boyfriend laughing on the phone. He didn't bother doing his skincare. He laid in bed. He stared at the bathroom door. Benjamin, being the only one tall enough to do so, kissed his face while standing on his paws.

"T-thank you." He tasted salty tears in his mouth.

He laid for a few minutes, sick. He heard Lloyd laughing by the other side of the door coming in. He closed his eyes.

"Franny," he whispered. "still up?"

He didn't answer. He could hear Lloyd doing his nightly routine: smoking, brushing his teeth, putting the dogs to bed, feeding the bunny, and then hearing him change his clothes. He felt the other laying next to him afterward.

"I should probably get an earlier date." His stomach turned. There was a pause. "Nah, I like October."

He felt Lloyd big spooning him and a light kiss on his head. "I love you. Thank you for being supportive."

When he fell asleep, François cried his little French heart out. Him of all people shouldn't be upset. He felt the same way he did that night. The night of the suicide attempt. The liar, the guilt, he thought it was gone.

It was all coming back.

--------------------------------

It was late July when he finally broke. It was over dinner when they were talking about the surgery. François was being snippy and bitchy and Lloyd didn't like that one bit. Then he said something mean to the one with the white hair which made him burst into tears and run into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. The other cried in the kitchen. This is the second time he made Lloyd upset in one week. He's been moody this whole month, he had no right to be.

He heard footsteps coming to the door. He tried to talk, but Lloyd, who had Apple by a leash and a cigarette in his mouth, walked out the house without looking back. His heart skipped beats. Now he's done it. They were done for sure. He started shaking and hyperventilating. Blueberry jumped on his lap and kissed the tears off his face. He hugged her little pug body, his face bright red.

--------------------------------

Lloyd didn't come back for a full hour. He gave the dogs after dinner treats before going upstairs. He lit up again before going in. He already smoked two boxes when he was out.

He saw François sitting outside at the balcony. He tapped his shoulder. When he turned around, he started crying again when Lloyd put the roses on his lap. He sat on the other chair. He lit up two more cigarettes. He smoked one while holding the other because he smoked quickly.

"François, I want you to talk with me. What's been bothering you?" His voice was timid and deep. It's been getting deeper every day thanks to the testosterone. It still hadn't cracked yet.

François had to gather himself before speaking. "Before I say it, it's ok to be mad at me for it."

In the back of his mind, he thought of Mulligan. He started smoking the cigarettes at the same time. "Say it."

"I'm anxious about your surgery, and I don't think you should go through it." He saw Lloyd nod. "I know that's stupid coming from me."

"I kinda expected that." He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Why? Is it because you like sex better with the pussy?"

"It has nothing to do with sex. I'm worried that you could really sick from it. I don't ever want to be sick like you were last year. The recovery is brutal, and I'm worried that your body might not be able to handle it."

He sat up and and put his head in his hands. Lloyd, stoically, went into the room and came back with a notepad and pen.

"Here." François looked up to see him writing something. He had to stop to wipe tears before finishing it and handing it to him. He read it and looked up at him, now sobbing. "Just in case, you have written proof that I told you it's alright to leave if it happens. Nobody could give you shit if you have this."

François stared at him, then at the note.

"Written on the date of July 31, 2018. I, Lloyd John Doh-Sauveterre, Prince of Wales, give François Dauphiné permission to leave the relationship if illness should encourage him to do so. May those who have to pass judgment yield to this order."

He ripped it up and threw the tiny pieces off the balcony. He looked at him again, he was covering his face.

"I don't want to leave. I'll take care of you."

"You...you don't have to...."

He looked into his eyes, both sets being shiny and watery. "I want to."

He held out his hand, Lloyd took it and kissed it.

"I'm sorry for being such a prick about this. I should know not to do that. I'm worried that you'll get hurt from this, but I know you really want this. I'll be there for you." He kissed Lloyd's hand.

Lloyd stroked his hand. "I'm a little scared too, but we can't think about the negative. We gotta think positive, that's what got us through the war." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I trust these doctors, my auntie and uncle will there, and I really have a good feeling about this."

They hugged each other. "I'm sorry about being a jerk, especially today."

"What were we even whining about back there?" He finally stopped smoking. It felt embarrassing to see that he finished another pack.

"No more smoking for now, ok?"

"Yeah."

They sat together, watching the stars. Lloyd whispered in his ear, "Make-up cuddles?"

"Shit, let's go."

Stuart Dunkel -???