"White. White. I don't think Mulligan loves me anymore!"

"You know that's not true."

"It is!"

He thought. When couples don't love each other in movies, the guy marries the girl and they're suddenly happy and they love each other forever.

"I have an idea!"

----------------------------------

He slowly woke up in a room that wasn't his. He had to look around for a second. When he saw the Colombian flag, he knew he was in White's room. 

François loved him. Kim loved him. Mulligan hated him.

"This has to be a movie." He rubbed his forehead.

He felt tears coming out of his sore eyes. Why does he cry so much? He looked at his cut and skinny body. He wished he were dead. It would be so much easier than having to deal with this.

"Oh, thank God! You're awake!"

Someone came in and hugged him. He felt the hair. It was White.

"Man, I don't know what to do."

"Take it easy. Here." he put an already lit cigarette in his mouth. He smiled a bit. He knew him too well. "Tell me what happened, please."

"I broke up with Mulligan, he's a whore and now he has a kid on the way, y'know? So I was upset and crying, I'm always crying, and Kim just comes in and kisses me! On the lips! So I told him to leave and he just tried kissing me all over!" He got goosebumps. "Then François comes and starts choking him so I pulled him off and we were yelling at each other. Then he told me he loves me too!"

"Damn." He too had a cigarette in his mouth. "That...that's a lot.."

Lloyd lay on his bed. "I love him too."

"I kinda expected it."

"But if I love him, why am I so upset about Mulligan?"

He stared at the picture of Jesus in his room for wisdom. "Because you were still in love with him, and thought that marriage would make you guys inseparable. But your heart really belongs to the guy next door."

He sat up again. "How's he doing?"

"Not good. He had the worst panic attack before I got there. You both had attacks, but I really thought you were dead or something by the way he was acting. He's always so calm." He cringed thinking of the way François was on his knees, begging White to help him.

Lloyd shook his head. "He was really upset with me."

"No, not with you. He was upset, yeah, but like," he stiffed. "he said when he gets mad, he sorta blacks out and it takes him a long time to feel better. Something with his mom, he said. He said he was angry with Kim." Lloyd ran a hand through his greasy hair. "By the way, Kim's gone. I don't know where he went."

"Good, hope he gets eaten by bears."

"Y'know, there's not that many bears in Vagu."

He chuckled softly. "So, François and I love each other. But what now?"

They both thought. "Well, that stupid bitch you were dating before is out of the picture, and to be honest, we both knew you were kinda done with him for a while. So maybe, you and François could...date?"

"I'm...not sure? Like I love him, I really do. But like, why would he?"

"What do you mean?"

He laughed, tears hitting White's cream colored blanket. "Just look at me! I'm so ugly. And I'm dumb, all I'm good for is that stupid mission I'm doing tomorrow. I bet if he dates me, he'll find someone else and do the same thing Mulligan did."

"Hey.." He moved closer to him so they were sitting together, their backs against the wall. "I think you're great. You know all these languages, you read fucking dictionaries for fun, you're insane at writing, and you're so nice despite everything. Don't let that dumb guy ruin you."

He let out a sob and hugged White. He didn't really like hugs, he only patted Lloyd's head. "Now, now, you'll be ok, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Plus-" He pointed to the door. "You have someone who thinks of the world of you."

"You're right!" He stood up to walk to the door before stopping. "What should I say?"

"This I can't help you with, but be gentle. If anything, you could always come back to my room. You're always welcome back." He smiled at that.

"Thank you, White. For everything."

"Sauveterre, you could call me Angel, that's my name."

He laughed. "It fits you!"

He stared at the door. He thought of François, his beautiful eyes.

"Go to him, Lloyd."

He took a deep breath before opening the door. He walked out and closed it. He stared at the door, François and Kim's room. He had his hand on the golden doorknob. It felt a comforting type of cold.

He creaked open the door. It was dark, but he could see that the window was closed. He stepped in, his guard up. He looked around and felt around. He felt Kim's bed. Empty. He was able to see François lying on the other bed, his back to him.

"François."

It was scary how fast he turned to see him. He gasped and started crying more, his head on the bed and a hand on his messy hair. Lloyd sat next to him and gently touched his shoulder.

"We need to talk." A voice he didn't recognize. Almost a girl's voice, shaky and quiet.

"Yeah, we do."

François took a few seconds to compose himself before he looked at him, not in the eye.

"You could start. Whenever you want."

He sniffled a few times before he spoke. His voice sounded very misplaced, almost the voice of a woman. "I'm so so, so sorry. I shouldn't have called you that stuff and grabbed you like that. It was abusive and that's not right." He crumbled again.

Lloyd was surprised. That's abusive? "Hey, hey. I'm not angry about that. I'm happy you apologized, but you don't need to feel bad." He sighed before asking, "But did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

"Yeah, I did. I love you so much, but I treated you so terribly. I understand if you never want to talk to me again!"

"It's ok, Mulligan did that stuff all the time." François looked up at him, horrified. To think he almost married that.

Lloyd suddenly got self-conscious. "Um, anyways. Mulligan and I, no more. He didn't love me, and I didn't love him anymore." He laughed. "I don't know why I wanted to marry him, I'm an idiot!"

"You're not..."

He kept going. "But this idiot loves you a lot. I thought of you. One night, I cut myself every time I did," he rolled up his sleeve. François covered his mouth. "One hundred cuts in just three hours!"

"I-I..."

"And," he touched his hand, too shy to touch it. "I know I'm more of a chore than a person, but I love you. A lot." He looked at him. "Please look at me..."

When he did, he started crying and grabbed him. He got scared but relaxed when it was just a hug. He hugged him back and began to, shocker, cry with him.

"Please, please, don't say those things! That night in the lake, Jesus, I almost lost you and you're hurting yourself!" Lloyd's chest burned. "I can't lose you, not now! Not ever!"

"I'm sorry." He grasped his nightgown. "I think my brain is sick, and it makes me do those stupid things. I don't want to do those things sometimes, but I have to."

"No, you don't! Lloyd, you know what would happen if you die?!"

"Yeah, I do. I'll be out of your hair. I feel bad for loving you, and I feel like an asshole I making you fall in love with me." He let him go and covered his face with his hands. "I shouldn't be loved. I want to die, and I can't even do that, right? François, you deserve better. You honestly do. Please, I release you. You could love someone else. Please, please, please, don't waste your time with me."

François stopped hugging him and looked into his eyes. Lloyd stared at him as well, his body shaking.

"I love you so much, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You aren't a chore, and I don't need releasing, I want to love you. Lloyd, if you die," he choked up and grabbed his face. "I don't know if I'll ever move on. I don't want to bury you and just leave you to rot in a dark box. Please, don't kill yourself. I need you here, with me."

Lloyd cried harder than he ever did. He never heard anyone say that. François held him close and tight, as if he would break if he let go.

"Look what you're doing to yourself, Lloydie." He touched his arm, his heart aching for him. "You're hurting yourself. You're not eating. You're making yourself sick. You don't want to be sick all the time, do you?" Lloyd shook his head. "You have to stop. I need you to, you'll die if you keep doing it! Sometimes, you're sick because you don't eat for days after you fight really hard. I hate seeing it. Why do you treat yourself like that? What have you done to deserve all this?"

Lloyd looked at him and touched his face. "Because I'm alive."

François touched his hands and rubbed them. "That's the thing I love most about you."

"Oh, Franny! I'm sorry!"

They both cried. François held onto him so close. "D-don't take that away from me..."

"I won't. I promise." Lloyd kissed his forehead. They blushed, but it was more than welcome.

"I know what it's like. My mom, she-" he was choking on the memories. Lloyd stroked his hair. He looked up at him. He was a light. "-She was abusive. She said things to me. How unlovable I was. How I'm stupid. She would yell at me. She starved me. She hit me once." He moved his hair to show him the scar. "That-that's how that happened.."

He didn't know what to expect, but he certainly didn't expect Lloyd to kiss the scar gently. He broke down and hugged him. He never told anyone that. He felt free.

"She's a liar. You're so sweet and lovable. I love you more than I love myself. You make my world actually not bad! She didn't deserve you. You deserve love. I could love you. I'll love you so damn much that you'll be sick of it!"

"I'll never be sick of it. Ever."

They hugged again, their lips touching each other yet still too shy to really do anything.

"Can I tell you something else?"

"Yes, François. Anything."

He took a deep breath. This could make or break it.

"So uh, you know what transgender means?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

He couldn't help but give him a face. "Well, um, I'm, um, transgender."

"You are?! You pass really well!"

"I had the surgeries, even the bottom one." He took off his shirt to reveal the scars on his chest. Lloyd wanted to slap himself for being so stupid.

It was quiet. François got frightened and held his breath. Suddenly, Lloyd put his whole head in his chest and kissed his scars while stroking them. He cried tears of pure happiness and relief as he hugged him, falling on the bed with him.

"Oh, Lloyd! You still love me!"

"Of course! I love everything about you!" He looked up at him and smiled.

"Even my weird teeth and my big ass nose?"

"I always liked those!"

He laughed. "Even this?"

Lloyd laughed as well. "Yes, yes! It's so cool!"

François wanted to kiss him right there and then, but shyness controlled him. He kissed his face. Lloyd laughed more and hugged him.

"Can I tell you something too?"

"Anything, Lloydie!"

Suddenly, the laughter stopped as Lloyd looked down. François got worried.

"So...."

He began shaking. François hugged him and told him not to rush. "I'm intersex."

The other wanted to kick himself in the ass for not knowing what that meant. Lloyd saw his confused face.

"It's like, um, Jeez. Uh. Ok. I have XY chromosome, and I am a biological guy but," he saw François smirk. That made him smile a bit. "I have a womb, and I could get pregnant. I have a vagina and periods."

François was a bit taken aback. "Oh, I see. If you don't mind me asking, do you also have a penis?"

"It's in my stomach."

"Ohhh, I got it."

He started to cry. The other rubbed his back. "Hey, it's ok. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Trust me, I really get it."

"It-it's probably why it happened..."

"Lloydie, Mulligan was-"

"No, it was something else."

François saw him look scared. He put his forehead on his and stroked his cheeks. "You could tell me, I won't be angry. I promise."

"My uncle..."

"Your uncle?"

He told him. Everything. The happy memories first with the piano and the nights they would stay up together to watch movies. Then he would get drunk and yell at him or throw things at him. Then, of course, the rape.

François stayed quiet through the whole thing, even though he looked visibly upset. After Lloyd finished, he started to cry these big tears.

"That's terrible! I'm so sorry that happened to you!"

Lloyd smiled shakily. "It's ok..."

"It's not! God, I'm so sorry!"

"I think it's why I do the things I do..." His breathing got fast again. "I don't want to do it anymore!"

"There we go." François kissed his cheek. "You want to get better, and I could help you. I heard about this really good place in Germany. You could go there."

"Will you be upset if I go away?"

"I would be upset if this illness kills you." François put his hand on his forehead and controlled his voice. "After this war, you need to get help. You have to go."

With a weak and trembling voice, he answered, "Yes."

They embraced again and kissed each other's faces. François accidentally brushed against his lips. They both stared at each other, silently agreeing on what would happen next.

Their lips slowly moved closer together until there was no space left. They both pressed them together and let their tongues do what they wanted. With their arms around each other and lips fused, they both felt euphoric. Lloyd forgot how it felt, and it was François' very first taste of it.

They finished, breathless and smiling. Lloyd lay closer and deeper into François' chest. He smiled down on him and kissed his head.

"Oh, you like that spot, don't you?"

Lloyd stroked his face, feeling his peachfuzz. "Maybeee."

He kissed it again and again. Lloyd laughed and kissed his scars at least a thousand times.

"Can we be boyfriends?"

"Of course!"

They kissed again. Lloyd glanced at the clock.

"Already eleven! We gotta go to sleep!"

"Tomorrow is your big day after all." He put the blanket on him and the other. "Are you excited?"

"Hell yeah." He yawned and felt his new boyfriend huddle closer to him. "I'm going to be so awesome."

"You're always awesome, though."

"Oh my gosh, sweetheart." They both smiled at that.

François kissed his forehead and whispered to him. "I love you so much. I'm so happy to be your boyfriend."

"I'm happy you're mine."

They both fell asleep after a few more minutes of whispering. Tomorrow was big, yes, but right now was bigger. Right now, things were perfect.