Hi all. 

Kinda of a depressing one coming for you, so Cylde is on speed dial if anyone sues. 

@AboiHey2 requested a part two of my depression oneshot so here you are love. Not sure if this is what you wanted but I wrote most of it during science and drama so. 

Also, I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH OMG OMG OMG. LIVE LAUGH LOVE LUKE HEMMINGS. 

Anyways. This is probably my favourite chapter I have ever written. 

HUGE TRIGGER WARNING. IF ANY OF THIS STUFF TRIGGERS YOU PLEASE TURN BACK AND READ SOMETHING ELSE: Suicide, Eating disorders, self-harm, blood, fainting, anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, crying, ambulance, hospital, vampires, demons, mentions of hell, Nick driving, similes.

-- 

Relapse. It's something we all go through before being clean.

Like spilling expired milk on freshly mopped floors. Just like that, all that hard work came to nothing.

Something that loomed in the distance like a bad smell.

It was always the storm before the carm.

Something Matt feared as he woke up the next morning.

He was so determined yesterday that he got a spark of light amid the darkness just for it to blow out like a candle flame in the wind.

The depression was back. Cue the Eminem.

He knew it had been a day. Nothing like that changes that quickly but he was expecting something. Like a glimmer of hope. Maybe he needed some sparkles on the floor to help.

He looked up to the ceiling. It looked less scary in daylight and more like a trap awaiting its next victim. Or it's only in Matt's case. The only people Matt shared his room with were his demons.

They needed more than a queen-sized bed though.

Unlike yesterday, Matt didn't let his eyes drift to the mirror, he knew the judgement would be loud and he could see the blade hidden in his sock draw getting ready to do its work.

Ignoring the sock draw as hard as possible, he kept his pyjama pants on and chucked a hoodie. He plopped the hood on and scuffled his hair a bit. He didn't care about how he looked but at the same time, Nick and Chris saw him trying yesterday, he has to keep that act going. 

He dragged himself out the door of his Cove. It was dark in there, bed unset, it was barely unoccupied most of the time. Matt rotting in it like an apple in a dumpster.

Outside the Cove of Matt was the kitchen. Or in other words hell. Hell is easier and shorter to write.

Chris and Nick were in there talking, going on with their day like Matt didn't exist. Which he didn't. He was like a ghost lingering in the darkness. What would they think if he was gone?

Then Nick turned his head and the ghost became visible. "Oh hey Matt"

Matt gave a small nod to show he heard Nick but could he be bothered to open his mouth? Not at all. 

Then Matt saw the devil's kids. Food. 

It was no secret in the household that Matt struggled with food, every calorie felt like Matt was just fed a brick, and every number on the scale was like bullets on skin. He tried to keep it a secret, it wasn't that hard at the start. He was always leaner than his brothers, Nick had said it himself in that podcast interview that he did. Then it became a matter of staying lean and seeing how lean he could get. 

Then it got to the point of being able to see bone when the metal slid through his skin whenever his brain felt like inviting vampires to join the demons in his room. Then it became obvious something was wrong with his brothers, and they were heartbroken to see how much Matt represented shattered glass.

Today wasn't a slice of toast, it was worse, it was the French version of toast. French toast. 

Matt did the calculations in his head, 'if a plain slice of toast is eighty-five calories that is better than eating two hundred and twenty-nine calories for breakfast. That's like a one hundred and forty-four calorie difference. Wait, if I eat this I don't need to eat later 'cause that is like three slices of toast. Good thinking mental calculator that somehow appeared in my head.'

"Matt I swear to God if you're doing numbers in your head-" Nick then said, seeing Matt look hypnotised while looking at the food. Like the ghost had seen a ghost. 

Matt snapped back into reality. "Um, no just daydreaming" he lied. 

Nick didn't look convinced but didn't dare to fight it. Chris got some plates out and served out breakfast like they were a perfect little family. Like they were what they thought they would be. 

They all started to eat, Nick and Chris were already on their second piece by the time Matt had taken his third bite. 

Just two more bites than I'm halfway through, that's like one hundred and fourteen calories. More than I eat anyway. 

Putting the food down once he had hit the halfway mark, Matt ventured off the table back to his cove. 

"Where are you going Matt, you haven't finished" Chris then said, noticing Matt leaving. 

"I ate" Matt reasoned. 

The silence in the room was more obvious than the elephant. 

Matt thought the elephant was him. 

Chris thought the elephant was the elephant on the TV screen. 

Nick thought the elephant was the shape of the French toast. It didn't look at oui oui as he intended. 

-- 

All was well when Matt was in his cove. The house turned back to normal as Matt eliminated himself from the equation. Who knew mental illness gave everyone amazing math skills? 

Matt could hear the intro for 'Stranger Things' playing on the TV, meaning Nick and Chris were watching the show without him. For the first time, did they just give up on him or something? 

He would give up on him too not going to lie. 

That spark of hope he had in himself yesterday? Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe he had a dream about finding himself again but woke up and realised that it was simply impossible.

And that made Matt's blood boil. He didn't want to get better, but he needed to. He knew his brothers wanted Matt back, but as Matt thought. He was the ghost haunting the place and no summoning spell could bring him back.  

So he thought to make that vision a reality. He was so close to giving up at that point. 

It was like he was in a race and he had taken one step since the siren blared. The finish line is so far away but the starting line is one step back. He just had to take it. If he took that step back, he had officially given up. 

So he stepped back. 

And he kept walking back till he found the Antarctic cool metal deep in the draw, pulling it out like it was gold. 

Who knew something so harmless if used correctly could end someone's life?  

Matt crept into the bathroom, softly jammed the door into the frame and locked it. He looked at himself in the mirror once more. For the last time. 

Then the voices began. They didn't keep themselves quiet this time, they weren't as distant anymore. They were standing on both sides of Matt and screaming into his ear via a megaphone. 

Fat 

Worthless 

No one loves you, Matt

Just end it, kid

Get the blade and cut

Cut deep enough that the blood can fill the Grand Canyon

CUT MATT CUT. CUT LIKE YOU WANT TO DIE. You want to die, right? 

Why aren't you listening 

OBEY ME AND CUT 

Matt covered his ears, not like it would do anything but he was running out of options. Is this really what he wanted? It was too late now to join the race. He had turned back to the starting line. So without any other option. 

He obeyed the voices. 

The blade touched his skin and it felt like he had just placed his arm in the fridge. Pulling up his sleeves, he found the old cuts. They would be easy to open first. He found the one right above all the blood vessels. He cut to the point where he heard the blood vessels rip open, the blood pouring out like a hose spilling water into a kiddie pool. The bone was even visible now. 

He wasn't lightheaded yet. He cut more, the voices chanting as he did it. Like he was thirty metres away from winning the biggest race of his life. 

Cut more Matt, there is no harm in it

And to think your brothers love you

The blood was pooling up on the floor now and Matt just kept cutting, he couldn't stop, it was like breathing. 

Now his head felt like there was nothing in it. His vision darkened as his thoughts got happier.

The final drop of blood fell onto the floor, along with Matt, who bumped into the glass of the shower, the sound of his body falling limp on the floor echoing throughout the house. 

The darkness had consumed Matt, just like it wanted to this whole time. Matt had lost the race he never started. 

-- 

Bang

"What was that?" Chris asked, pausing the TV. He heard a loud bang coming from Matt's area of the house. 

"Matt is probably just having a dance party or some shit like that" Nick brushed off the sound. 

Chris wasn't sure. "I don't know Nick, something feels wrong, very wrong" 

"Maybe it's because you paused the show while Vecna was on the screen. Just a suggestion though" Nick put his hands up in surrender. 

Something that was meant to be funny wasn't funny at all. Chris didn't even give a smile. Instead, he got up and walked to Matt's room. 

Nick followed. 

Matt's door was open, the darkness in the room gave an eery feel. Who knew the last time those curtains were open or the light was switched on? The smell of blood was distant, and Chris noticed it. 

"I can smell blood, Nick. This section reeks of it" Chris's nose taking in the metallic smell of the red substance. If this was a laughing matter, they would have felt like investigators on a true crime show but this was Matt they were talking about. Not Netflix. 

They walked out of the room and both faced the bathroom. 

"Shit" 

"Fuck" 

The door was locked, the light was on though. You could see it under the door. The smell of blood only got stronger and the fear only grew. Both Nick and Chris struggled to see the light, even if it was on. 

Nick jiggled the door handle, the door not moving. He then kicked the door, not budging again. "Get the fucking key" He commanded, Mother Nick taking over him for a split second. Chris was already one step ahead. While Nick was trying to have his Dean Winchester moment, Chris ran to get the key. 

If the smell of blood wasn't already bad, being confronted by the reason for the blood was worse, Matt, pale white, looking more lifeless than ever lying on the floor, blood trickling out of him slowly. There wasn't that much left. 

There was no time to take in that scene, Nick dialling 911 while Chris applied pressure to the multiple wounds. 

It all happened so quickly, the ambulance arriving and taking Matt away on a stretcher. He was alive but looked so far from it. 

Nick and Chris then got in Matt's car and raced over to the hospital, Nick driving. Chris commenting on Nick's every move. 

"Nick, drive faster"

"Don't you know your left and rights?" Chris exclaimed, seeing Nick turn the wrong way. Nick gave him a dirty look but a small smile did appear, even if it was just a turn on the top of his lips. 

-- 

The sterile smell of the hospital was something that never fails to send shivers up Nick's spine. It's like you know bad things happen in his place. The bleach would never make Nick forget the smell of his brother's blood everywhere though. This was worse than murder. 

They walked through the hallways, scared. They knew where to go. They had gotten instructions before the ambulance whisked Matt away to the white walls that have changed people's lives forever. 

"Oh, are you both here for Matt Sturniolo?" A doctor intercepted two-thirds of the triplets who at that point were walking about the hospital aimlessly. They thought they knew what they were doing but then again, when have they ever?

"Uh yeah, we are. Do you know where he is?" Nick took over. Chris for once had nothing to say. He had stopped yapping for the first time ever. 

The doctor nodded and led the twins down some hallway. 

Once they reached a door, the doctor turned to them. "You have to remember inside is still Matt, not some person being kept alive by machines and borrowing someone else's blood since so much of his own isn't in his body. Now, may I ask? Was the a suicide attempt?" 

Nick and Chris knew it was. They just didn't want to face the truth. So they nodded. 

The doctor nodded. "Thought so. That being said, Matt slit his wrists deep enough to cut into the blood vessels and reach the bone in his wrist. I don't really know how he is alive but that's good news, right? Now, Matt isn't awake and I don't know when he will wake up. Oh, Doctor Grundy by the way" he put his hand out for a handshake, which Chris joined him in. Nick did a little salute. 

"Can we see him?" Nick then asked. Docter Grundy nodded and opened the door. 

No one can prepare you for the sight of seeing your brother, who you thought was ok enough to stay alive, lie in a hospital bed, blending in with the colour. No one prepares you for the numbness you feel as you see his eyelids gently shut, looking like you could rip them open with a feather. No one prepares you for any of it. 

The beeping noise, the amount of blood, the machines, the doctors, and the reality starting to kick in that Matt just tried to kill himself was all too much for Chris. He put his head in his hands and ran out of the room, into the hallways.

Nick ran out after Chris and caught him as he stumbled back. They slide down a wall music video style. "Shh Chris, you're ok, it's ok" Nick cooed. 

"But it isn't Nick. Matt's dying in there because we didn't try hard enough to help him. It's our fault" Tears spilled down Chris's cheeks like a leaking tap. He fell into Nick, who had his arms open to comfort Chris. He wasn't ready to get in touch with his feelings just yet. 

"But we tried. That's the thing. We didn't cause him to do it, didn't we? That was all Matt and his demons" Nick tried to reason while trying to stop the tears from rolling down his cheek. Multitasking. 

"Cry Nick, stop trying to prevent it. We need to cry. We have to cry, for Matt." Chris then said, snuggling closer into Nick. 

So that is what they did. Cried. Cried like the world was ending. Though it wasn't, even if the times didn't look right in that moment, they always go up. Bubbles don't blow themselves, don't they? Life is a rollercoaster, isn't it? The triplets just were at the lowest point to the ground. The up was coming soon, it was in the distance. Just had to reach the up part of it.

--

Matt didn't wake up for another week. His body was exhausted from the lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of this, lack of that. The lack of life.

All the little specs of hope were becoming smaller. No signs of improvement. No signs that Matt was even in there with them. 

But the rollercoaster always moves, doesn't it?

The opening of Matt's eyes seven days after was the first little uphill. More tears. A very confused Matt. 

"Matty" Nick and Chris cried out, running over to Matt to hug him, even if it was hard. 

Matt didn't know what to say, or how to open his mouth for a matter of fact. The doctors removed the oxygen mask, smiling at the fact the brothers could be with each other again.

"Nick, Chris" His voice was hoarse and sounded tired. Sounded weak if you can even hear it but it sounded like Matt. At least it was Matt.

Yeah. It wasn't the old Matt. His arms were bandaged and stitched up from the metal dance he choreographed in the ballroom some may call a bathroom. He was still skin and bone and his demons were present but there was too much happiness for them to ruin it. 

Nick and Chris cried harder than they had ever done. The rollercoaster was going up the hill.  

"Don't ever do that again" Nick then told Matt, who was engulfed by cuddles and tears were pouring onto him like raindrops on a stormy day. 

Matt didn't say anything, just happy to see light after all that darkness. It blanketed him for years now. 

"You're ok" Chris whispered in Matt's ear. 

"I'm ok" Matt responded gently, believing it for the first time ever. 

It was somewhat the truth, wasn't it? 

We are all somewhat ok. 

-- 

Wow writing this through tears. Love how I said I wouldn't publish this week but I love this one too much not to share it with the world. 

If any of you feel like this, talk to someone. Anyone. To the fucking wall if you have to. But you're not alone. I found that out after talking to some of you. We are all a little bit broken, some of us just have bigger cracks. 

Love you all. Be safe, sending hugs. 

-Bon xx