Good morning, Fam.🌚

Happy Sunday!💞 I should have dropped this chapter sooner but it was kinda hard to write...💔 It definitely won't top my list of the best chapters I have written in a while.😓

I can only hope most of you all won't dislike our female lead more than you do now.💀💀

And with that, the song for this chapter is- Shadow of Mine by Alec Benjamin.

________________𖧷_____________

"𝑊ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡,
𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡
𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑠ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑠.

_______________𖧷_______________

             ~𝚂𝙷𝙰𝙺𝙸𝚁𝙰 𝙽𝙸𝙽𝙸𝙾𝙻𝙰 𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙸𝙺~

I couldn't sleep.

Again.

At first, I tried to convince myself that it would pass. It was just a phase. That was what I kept telling myself. That was how hard I tried to convince myself, so I wouldn't start freaking out. But then, it became painfully clear, when I just couldn't get any ounce of sleep anymore. When it started again, I was still always able to get roughly three hours of sleep but now, I would just be wide awake from night till dawn, looking up at the ceilings in my room or trying to keep myself busy with other stuff.

I couldn't go online to keep myself distracted because I knew Stefan would believe me at first. Probably, the lies would buy me a few moments of him acting as though he didn't know what was going on but it wouldn't take much time before he catches on to what was going on and sincerely, I was tired of having this conversation with anyone. I just...wanted to be alone. That shouldn't be too much to ask for, right?

I exhaled, turning on my side and my eyes rested on my alarm, which I knew was going to start ringing in about thirty minutes or so. I knew I had to get my butt off this bed and go get ready for school. It was Test week and the least week I was looking forward to. Too bad I couldn't skip school. Heaven knows, I wouldn't hesitate to stay back, but then, I think one of the reasons for skipping was to sleep in and I was damn sure that even if I did skip school, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if I decided to stay in bed all day.

"Get up, Shakira. You don't want to be caught dead in the house in the next hour." I reminded myself and pushed myself off my bed, shoving my reluctance somewhere deep in my mind. I slid my feet into my flip-flops and got off the bed, sauntering into the bathroom to take my bath. I practically rushed through the few things I did, trying my best not to waste one more moment in this house. I got dressed in my uniform and plopped down on my stool, trying to brush my cornrows. I didn't need to do much. I just applied hair cream on it and brushed it backwards, catching sight of my reflection that scared the crap out of me, in the mirror.

My eyebags were eyebagging and at some point, I began rethinking the thought of not using makeup to school. If I did, it would cover up the eyebags and make my face appear vibrant, without me having to get through the day with faux smiles and faking interests in things that didn't appeal to me, so that I wouldn't sell myself out. My eyes were blank, void of any life in them. Just hollow. I wasn't even fazed at the sight of it. At least, I didn't look like I just escaped a mental home.

I was just...dull. Yeah, that's the word.

I picked up my facial products and wiped my face clean with my facial wipes before proceeding to apply my face cream, undereye-cream, moisturizer and sunscreen to give my face a much brighter look. And by the time I was done, I looked less dead. Pretty, even. I packed them up and tried looking for my hair wax, pulling the drawers attached to my dresser open. I picked up the black bag I laid my eyes on, unzipping it and freezing at the sight of them.

Syringes, pills and...more pills. Sleeping pills. The sight of it was...appealing, and I found my fingers brushing over them, taking out a sealed plastic container, which I knew was filled to the brim with pills that would bring me so much peace if I used them. I would be able to sleep soundly. I would be fine and wouldn't have to deal with this terrible headache that threatened to split my head into two. All I had to do was just take a few.

Take a few...

Take a few...

Just a few pills and then, peace. Some quiet. Not the usual loudness in my head.

"A few pills, Kira," I popped the lid open, tapping the container on my palms and the round white pills dropped on my palms. I stared at it. For a very long time. All I had to do was take a few and then, all this would go away but why was I hesitating? Why couldn't I swallow them? Why were my hands trembling so badly? Why was my breath so shaky and why were tears pooling in my eyes?

"You are so pathetic, Niniola! Pathetic!" I screamed at my reflection in the mirror.

"You can't even take them!" I yelled.

You can't take them because you know you would start spiralling so badly.

The bitter truth.

I couldn't take them because I knew I was going to start depending on them again, injecting myself and stuffing myself with pills, so that I could sleep. It wasn't healthy and I wanted to stop. I didn't want to take them anymore. Fucking hell! I got up from my seat, causing the chair to sound with a loud screech and then, I threw the bag on the dresser and marched into the bathroom, where I dumped the pills in my hands into the water closet and flush them out.

Loud, uneven breath left my lips as I paced around the bathroom, trying to control my punched and bruised breathing and the tears that pooled in my eyes. I couldn't cry. I mustn't cry because all that I just applied would get smeared and I would have to wash them off. I groaned, and stormed out of the bathroom, slamming the door shut. I walked to my dresser and rested on the edge, taking slow, deep breaths and...it worked. Slowly.

I couldn't stay in this room for one more second. I had to leave. It was starting to get so suffocating and then, staying longer would ruin my plan. I didn't want that. I picked up my bag and took my phone, ambling out of the room.

"Shakira, this is just 4:58. Do you have something you want to do at school?" Mama Heather asked and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"It's Test week, Mama Heather. I need to study." I answered, looking everywhere but her face.

What? I'm not lying. It's Test week.

"And, you can't study at home?" She arched her brow at me as she set a jar on the table. I didn't want her all up in my business, asking me if I wouldn't have breakfast, so I managed to take some coffee and stuffed some bread that seemed tasteless down my throat. It was like I was munching on grass. She watched me intently but didn't say anything.

"We'll talk when I'm back," I said, without glancing at her, then I left the living room but could still feel her gaze boring holes into my body as I stepped out. David was already waiting by the car by the time I got there. I didn't say a word to him. I got into the car and he drove out of the compound.

                                        •••••

"Have a good day, Ma'am," David said, holding onto the steering wheel and sparing me a glance through the rearview mirror. I shot my head up from the screen of my phone, my gaze settling on him.

"Thank you, David." I smiled weakly at him and watched his eyes widen in shock. I chuckled and took my bag, then stepped out of the car, shutting the door. He drove off and I spun around, staring at the building with fright written all over my face. The parking lot was void of many cars, a far cry from what it used to look like on a regular morning. The cold that settled on my skin had me shivering softly. I glanced around and made my way into the building, heading straight to my classroom.

If I hadn't come early to school today, I wouldn't have known that my classmates were everything but early risers. No single soul was in sight in the classroom and that was exactly what I wanted. I didn't want any of my nosy classmates boring holes into my body because I decided to come to school early. I kicked the door open and shut it before strutting to my seat, which I plopped down on heavily. I took out my books and started glancing through them.

I was barely five minutes into my reading when the door was pushed open with a force that almost had me toppling over my table, my heart jumping in my chest. I let out a scoff and my head shot up from my book, a glare marrying my face and then, my gaze dropped to my best friend that stood by the door with her brow tugged up at me.

Fuck, I am busted.

The words I was hoping would come out, which I initially thought I would give the person that stormed into the class, a piece of my mind but those words hung in my throat and I could only stare at her, unable to hide the shock that was written all over my face.

"It's always the part where you forget that I'm your best friend that muzzes me a lot." She spoke up, her voice calm but it held a hint of sassiness and mockery in it.

I was avoiding Chizaram. A lot.

I didn't want to but that was the only thing I could do right now and the smart-ass bitch caught on to it. It didn't even take much work for her. Under normal circumstances, I would never want to rock cornrows to school. We were supposed to go to the salon together and get our hair done but she had been hinting at a particular topic I wasn't ready to have and I couldn't have that. So, I made up my mind to come to school early because that way, when the test starts this morning, everyone would be so busy and would barely have time to dabble in the least important things.

I had it all planned out in my head. A plan without flaws. A plan that would have been perfect and would have worked if I wasn't using it on my best friend. A small part of myself did warn me that this thing I was getting into was going to backfire but I didn't want to do anything without testing my luck first.

"You know," She began, toying with the sleeves of her white shirt that was tucked in her short plaid skirt.

"At first, I'm like, maybe she just needs some time to herself. You know..she probably just wants to sort something out. But then, It just started making so much sense and you kept on cancelling our plans. It became so clear that you were avoiding me." She chuckled, but I didn't fail to notice the hurt and bitterness that hung in her tone. And God...It made me so mad at myself.

"I knew you would do this but a little part of me was hoping you would disappoint me and girl, you have no idea how my heart broke when I walked into this classroom and found you here." She didn't approach me. She just hopped on of the desks, staring at me.

I couldn't hold her gaze. It was so intent and made me uncomfortable. Heck, I couldn't even find the right words. My head dropped to my book and I began scanning the contents.

She scoffed.

"You promised me, Shakira. You promised."

I froze in my seat, not in the least interested in looking up from the book that suddenly seemed like the most interesting thing in the world. She marched forward and took the book in front of me, glaring intently at me. Her light brown eyes were void of any ounce of warmth in them.

"Aunty, what's even biting you this morning? What are you even talking about? Abeg, abeg, now is not the time. Just give me back my book." I answered, grouchily, not wanting to look her in the eyes.

"Girl!" She snapped.

"Don't play that fucking game with me! You know damn well what I'm talking about. Jesus Christ, Shakira, it's so annoying when you know what I'm talking about, yet you still go on with the innocent act. Are you kidding me right now?" She arched her brow at me and I squinted my eyes at her. It was only then I realized she looked a tad bit different. She wasn't wearing her glasses. I think she was on contact lenses, that was why her eyes seemed kinda dark.

I thought she hated contacts na.

I peeled my eyes off her small frame, my eyes wandering around the classroom as I massaged my temples. Yeah, I knew I should have just arrived at school at the exact time I was supposed to. I shouldn't have bothered coming early to class. What was I thinking? That she wouldn't figure it out? Oh please.

"Zee," I began, taking a deep breath and trying to keep my anger in check. The last thing I wanted right now was to blow up at her.

"I beg you in the name of God. Can we not do this now? We can always pick it up later but it's Test week for fucks sake," I spoke and she snorted.

"It's so much pressure as it is, please don't add yours. I really can't deal with it right now." I pleaded, dropping my head into my palms and running my fingers through my Cornrows in an attempt to soothe the banging headache that was hammering at the sides of my head.

I groaned softly.

"What the hell is your__" She started talking but barely had the chance to finish speaking, when I cut her short, slamming my palm on the table and earning a flinch from her.

"ZEE!'

"Back off already! Why on earth are you so insisting? Use your fucking eyes and see things yourself. Oh, I forgot, you are not wearing your fucking glasses! Geez, obsessed much? For once in your life, I know it's a hard thing to do but babes, for once in your life, take the fucking hint and get the hell out of my face. God!" I screamed at her, tears pooling in my eyes.

Chizaram Ashley Johnsons just stared at me without uttering a word. She just had her back leaned on the desk with her arms folded around her chest. She was so calm. Too calm for someone that was being yelled at, too calm for someone with the kind of temper she has. She looked like she had it all under control and then, I searched her eyes for any flicker of emotions but I couldn't find anything. Not even tears. She was just frozen like a statue.

She didn't bat an eyelash. She just nodded her head. She stared at me like she was so used to seeing me fall apart this way. Like she was so used to seeing me act this way that it barely even gets to her. She stared at me like she was so used to seeing me shut everyone out and God, I hated it.

I hated that look so much.

It only left me more aggravated.

Can everyone just take a breather and not stare at me like I was a fragile little glass that was going to break into shards if it wasn't placed under close observation?

It is so tiring.

"We'll talk when you sort through your mental issues and stop acting like a bitch. We'll talk when you decide to stop moving mad and tell me what's going on with you. You know where to find me." She spoke, monotonously and that part about me having mental issues stung like a bitch!

"Girl, I'm tired and I'm outta here. You can go fuck yourself." That was the last thing she said to me, not sparing so much as a glance in my direction before she strutted out of the class.

Fuck, what did I just do?

Oh, that? Yeah, you chased away the one person that's still hanging around your psychotic ass.

"Fuck you!" I screamed.

I released a shaky breath, and I stood, staring at the door. Tears welled up in my eyes, tears which stung so badly and I was struggling to keep them at bay. My lips quivered and my breathing came out so erratic. I staggered backwards, my blurry eyes moving around the quiet classroom. I didn't even know how I got to my seat.

Inhale...exhale

Inhale...exhale

Inhale... exhale

Fuck, it wasn't working. Of course, I knew what she was talking about. I just didn't want to hear her say it. I didn't even want to allow myself to think about it. I promised her I was going to go for a session with Dr Laura and I had been avoiding her since she started bringing it up again. I was too scared to face and I didn't even want to talk about anything with anyone.

Why wouldn't they believe that I was okay and nothing is wrong with me? It's just the test week stress and we all get stressed, right?

Right?

It's not a big deal.

You are not okay...

Bitch, please.

I am fine. I am okay. I am fine.

Oh, so you are really going to wait until he sees you for who you really are?

The broken little girl whose life lacks colour? You are even more pathetic.

And it scared me so much. It scared me so much because I knew I couldn't hide it forever. If there was anything I had come to realize. It was Stefan's active involvement in anything that has to do with me. I keep letting him in. I kept allowing him to tear down my walls and I knew that in no time. He would finally see me for who I was. Broken, psychotic and damaged... so, so damaged beyond repair. Maybe it's for the better___no!

Shakira Niniola Malik, you, my dear, are a fucking bitch.

I screamed out in frustration, rising to my feet and then, I started pacing in circles. I placed my palm over my mouth and screamed, again, kicking the chair in front of me out of the way.

Girl, get a grip on your emotions! Control yourself!

How does she even put up with me? I didn't deserve to be her friend and she doesn't deserve to have someone like me in her corner. All I have ever done was be a burden to her. A burden she has had to shoulder for so long, so I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to cut ties with me. She has done enough. She shouldn't have to keep up with me. I was fine on my own.

I just wanted to be done with these tests as soon as possible, so I could get a hold of my sanity that felt like it was slowly slipping away from me. I was tired. I was exhaus___the shrill sound of my ringtone pierced through my thoughts. It almost had me jumping out of my skin. I whirled around and hissed through my teeth and picked it up from the table. I scoffed at the caller ID that was on display. The call soon ended but it began ringing again.

I rolled my eyes and switched off my phone.

I had enough on my plate. I wasn't about to add having a conversation with her to that list. By the time they start telling her "The MTN number you are trying to call is switched off, kindly fuck off" She'll leave me be. I don't know how someone will deliberately be a pest. She can go screw herself for all I care.

I exhaled and dropped to my seat, shutting my book. I buried my head in my palms, not in the mood to read anymore. So, I settled for revelling in the silence that surrounded but the door being pushed open by some of my classmates that were starting to arrive, dented my plans. They filtered into the class, bringing along their loudness with them.

A beautiful morning, isn't it?

                                      •••••

Khalil was at home.

He said something about wanting to spend some time with me, instead of staying over at his place, all alone. But then, I have been snuggled under the duvet all evening, a tad bit nervous about seeing him. Staying in this room was allowing me to dwell in my thoughts and dwelling meant giving in to the tempting idea of storming over to my chest of drawers and taking out those pills. I don't want to.

I can't take them.

I shouldn't take them.

So, I pushed the covers off my body and slid my feet into my flip-flops, sauntering out of my room and shutting the door behind me. I headed over to his room and knocked repeatedly at his door but I got no response. I rolled my eyes and twisted the knob of the surprisingly unlocked door, stepping into his room.

He was right on this bed, sprawled on it with his head hanging upside down and his fingers moving swiftly on the screen of his phone. He had this obnoxiously wide smile on his face, grinning from ear to ear and chuckling in between like a girl. I furrowed my brows at him, looking back at the door I just walked right through. I was puzzled because it felt like I just stepped into the wrong room.

Everything about him just screamed weirdness!

I felt my face scrunch in a deep frown.

"Who are you even texting?" I scowled at the light-skinned boy, who to my utmost dismay, barely spared so much as a glance in my direction. He was so engrossed in what he was doing on his phone and I felt a twinge of jealousy hit me because, for one, he wasn't giving me the attention I wanted.

I rolled my eyes and huffed, marching into his closet. My eyes sparkled, when I sighted the familiar black hoodie I had seen him wear a couple of times. Like a reflex action, I tugged at it from where he hung it and pulled it over the tank top I was wearing.

"Nini, for goodness sake, stop stealing my clothes. You don't expect me to start walking around the streets naked, bah?" He asked, his tone reeking of frustration.

"You have taken all my clothes! I keep shopping for new ones everytime. If you like baggy clothes, buy them!" He continued.

"Oh, so you saw me walk into your room but you didn't say anything. It's now when I took your clothes that you decided to acknowledge my presence!' I snapped, strutting out of his closet.

He still didn't leave his initial position.

"You are not even happy that you have someone that is helping you wear them. You should be happy that I found them worthy of wearing," I hissed, defending myself as I stalked over to his bed, plopping down on it. I gritted my teeth and snatched his phone from him. An action that had him springing up from where in laid with immediate effect.

The look on his face was Oscar worthy and I couldn't resist chuckling at the frown on his face, sticking out my tongue at him.

"Nini, give me my phone, please," He sighed tiredly, stretching his hand forth. I grinned at him, hiding the phone at my back. I wasn't going to return it until I knew who he was talking to. I had a hunch but I didn't want to jump to a conclusion.

"Who were you talking to?" I queried, my eyes not leaving his. And I could have sworn that the moment those words left my lips, Khalil turned crimson, looking away from me and brushing his hand over his hair.

"Oh, my God! You like someone!"

"No, I don't. Now, can I have the phone?" He asked, arching his brow, his lips pursed in a frown. He was lying. It was so obvious and I felt my eyes get teary not because I was angry but because I was happy. I was so happy because he was finally getting the happiness he deserves. I was so happy because for once, my brother put himself first and I couldn't have been prouder than I was. It felt so unreal. Like a dream, even.

"Wait, Nini, are you crying?" He asked, scooting over to where I sat, worry evident in his tone and I chuckled, wiping my eyes.

"It's just that you have grown so much. It's so beautiful and it makes me want to cry," I pouted and he chuckled, shaking his head.

"Will you tell me about her?" I asked, quietly, watching the glow on his face take over like it never left in the first place. It made my heart swell with so much pride and happiness.

"Sure, I will. But not now." He answered, smiling and I squealed, throwing myself in his arms, his light laughs flowing into my ears. He wrapped his arms around me to keep me in place. I loved the energy that had taken over the atmosphere. It was light, warm and beautiful. Full of so much life. I stayed there in his arms and didn't make any move to get out of his warm embrace. He didn't make any move to let me go either. Instead, we got comfortable and I snuggled up against him, sighing.

"Have you been sleeping?" He asked me out of the blue and I froze against his body, my breath leaving me. I couldn't breathe. I was just so blank and I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't know whether I should lie to him or just tell him the truth. But on the other hand, I was so confused about how he knows.

"Mama Heather told me," He answered the unspoken question.

"I..."

"Niniola, don't lie to me." His tone was stern and I swallowed, audibly, proceeding to choose my next words carefully.

"No," I whispered, my eyes getting so blurry. I got off his chest, shifting away from where he sat and not wanting to meet his gaze anymore. I felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself that it made me feel so conscious under his gaze.

"And you felt like you couldn't tell me?" He asked, scoffing in disbelief.

"Because I didn't want to bother you!" I snapped, my voice rising an octave higher.

"Oh for fucks sake, spare me that crap!" He debunked, the harshness in his tone matching mine.

"When have I ever made you feel like you couldn't talk to me about whatever was going on with you? When have I ever made you feel like you feel like a burden? Niniola, look at me whenever I'm speaking with you!" He fired at me and I flinched. I sniffed, wiping my tears and turning to hold his gaze. His warm brown orbs looked the opposite. They were filled with undisputable rage that almost had me shrinking into a ball under his gaze.

"I..."

"What happened to us, Niniola?" He demanded, his voice drawn to a whisper, thick with tons of emotions, along the line of hurt and disbelief.

"Life happened," I chuckled, mirthlessly.

"We were so happy. You were my best friend, Nini and I was yours too. What changed?" He asked me, again.

"I don't know..." I trailed off.

"I guess we just grew distant. You didn't give up on me. I was just the one looking for more and I got burnt in the process." I choked out a sob.

"I'm so sorry I became a burden. A problem that you got so obsessed with fixing. I'm so sorry for draining every drop of your happiness and I'm so sorry for dragging us all into this mess. All these are happening because of me. I'm so sorry__" I couldn't keep up anymore. I broke down and he gathered me in his arms, and I heard him release a shaky breath.

"Look at me, Niniola," He instructed softly and tilted my chin to meet his gaze. His eyes glistened with unshed tears he was struggling to hold back and I could swear that my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

"You are not a burden," He began.

"You are my sister and I love you so much. You can never be a burden. I must be there for you. It is my duty as your big brother. I'm here for you as a shoulder to lean on, someone to confide in, rant to, vent to, because that's what big brothers do, Niniola. They are there to shield you from any harm whatsoever," He paused and breathed softly, smiling down at me and not in the least bothered to hold back the tears that were starting to pour.

"God, Nini, I am so sorry for not pushing harder. I should have tried harder and prevented you from getting hurt. I'm so sorry." He was blaming himself for what happened. The pain tugged and clawed at my heart, making me want to rip it out and step on it until I couldn't feel it the pain anymore.

Was I ever going to stop hurting?

"So, don't you ever think you are a burden? I love you so much and I am happy to be here for you, if you will let me and stop shutting me out," He spoke, beaming with smiles. I choked out a sob, puzzled at how he could love me this much.

"I love you, Nini. Don't ever doubt that. If anything, let it be the one thing that keeps you going. Just remember, you have a brother that loves you to a fault and would move mountains to see you happy, okay?" He told me and I nodded with a grin, pulling his nose. I couldn't help it. The grin on his face was so contagious.

"Now,"

My ears perked up and I arched my brow at him.

"Mom said she called. She said you didn't pick up at first, then you switched off your phone after that. Why?" He asked, and I hissed through my teeth.

Way to go, Khalil!

"Abegiiiii" I drew my words, hissing.

"God, Niniola. If only you would stop seeing half of the picture..." He trailed off, earning a loud snort from me. I didn't allow him to finish what he was going to say.

"What half-picture?"

"Passport nko? Nonsense!" I sneered and he chuckled, tweaking my nose. I glared at him and swatted his hands off. He rolled his eyes and dropped his weight on the bed. I fell back onto his chest, sighing as I twirled the ends of my cornrows between my fingers, basking in the comfortable silence that reigned in the room.

"Do you miss him?" I spoke up, my voice was tiny. Almost like a squeak.

"I miss him so much that it hurts to even think about it," He answered. I looked up from his chest to meet his eyes and watched a sad smile creep onto his face. It was almost as if the more I stared at him, the more it felt like I was looking at my dad. He has a bit of him in him and as he grew older, it becomes more obvious.
I didn't want that. I can't afford that. I blinked, not wanting to dwell on the resemblance. I couldn't bring myself to think about him.

I shouldn't think about him.

I can't think about him.

I MUST NOT think about him.

"I love you too, hulk." I chuckled against him, earning a loud guffaw from him that had his shoulders quaking so hard.

More than you can ever comprehend.

But then, some things are better left unsaid and not thought about.

A/N

*Wipes my eyes with Kleenex and sniffs really hard* Some things are better left unsaid, but me, I am a nice person, so I sprinkled a shitload of hints in this chapter.🌚 Come on, don't break my heart and tell me you still can't piece it together.😭

Ah! Olopa ma ko everybody!😂

Okay, okay, on a more serious note. I'm only going to say one thing. One of the first step to healing is to accept that you need it. You have to WANT IT. It's said not be an easy journey but recognizing your pain and accepting it goes a long way. To simply put, you have to be intentional about it.

Btw, say a prayer for Kira and Zee's friendship. It's not looking so good right now. Y'all remember the promise she was talking about? If you like, lie. I will know.😒

I don too talk.😒

Anyhoo, my darlings, don't forget to leave a vote, comment and share.♥️ Till whenever, fam.

Adiós✨

Love, Didi.♥️