as you can already probably tell, this is not a new chapter like we had all been hoping.

yesterday morning I woke up around seven like usual, drank my tea and lounged around. and then I remembered my phone had been charging since midnight so I went and took it from under my pillow to a single message from one of my friends. 'what the fuck?' with a screenshot of the google news page attached. obviously wanting to see it myself, I googled 'liam payne' right away and everything came to a fucking stop.

the only thing I remember before fucking disassociating is going to my mom and saying 'liam is dead'

this whole thing might seem a little dramatic to you. if you're not on the same page as the majority right now you might think, 'eh, esa is it that serious?'

yes it is. yes it is. yes it is.

and if you're reading this, you know it as well as me.

i spent the entire day yesterday in my head, just disassociating and replaying everything one direction in my mind like one of those youtube compilations. i couldn't even cry as much as I wanted to. i was so so numb, it was this weird kind of emptiness that made me feel so drained. for almost thirty minutes after i'd seen the news, I was shaking. my entire being was shaking so badly because it was so shocking. i knew that one day we would have to say bye to the boys but never in my entire life had I thought that day would come so soon. I didn't have anyone to talk to about this because none of my friends are one direction fans nor do they want to hear me yap about them.

one direction was always more than just a band for me - I don't have to tell you guys that twice.

i was first introduced to them by one of my closest family friends. back then I was in primary school and she was a teenager. today, she's a working adult and I'm in university. it reminded me of just how much we've grown up alongside them and their music.

'i'm so shocked. i'm trying to process everything' is what she texted me yesterday.

'he's gone' is what a girl I met at a science class four years back tested me.

please check on your friends who you think is affected by this, because it's not easy to be okay with the passing of your childhood. reach out and ask if everyone is okay.

most of the relationships in my life were made because of one direction. I've found a lot of friends because of them and I've also lost a lot of friends because of them. and yesterday I thought about each and every one of them, just hoping they took the news well.

mourning liam isn't just mourning his life and his legacy as an artist - I'm mourning the teenager that's inside of me who was trying so hard to remember their names, the teenager who was learning every single song lyrics, the teenager who watched 'one direction being crackheads' almost every night, the teenager who went to lengths to get the one direction movie copied to a DVD, the teenager who started writing because of the love she had for them, and the teenager who was dedicated to work hard so she could see ot5 live one day.

and just thinking about the fact that we've now lost one-fifth of the boys who gave life to our childhood, our teenage years is heart-shattering. 

i know that a lot of you guys are feeling confused about what to do and how you should mourn. i've seen a lot of people hesitating and feeling like he shouldn't be grieved. this was a result of what went down the past two weeks and I get it, I understand the hesitancy and I understand why. but, a man is dead and I believe he should be remembered for the good things he's done and mourned because, at some point in our lives, he was a part of something that meant everything to us.

I also want to mention that nobody should invalidate your feelings and nobody should tell you how to feel at all. you're allowed to mourn him while holding him accountable for the things he did. I'm not going to sugarcoat the fact that he wasn't a good person during the latter part of his life, but it doesn't mean that he deserved to pass away without getting the help and closure he desperately needed. he had his own traumas yet it didn't give him the freedom to continue that cycle of abuse. however, this should not be the topic that should be talked about right now. a mother lost his son, a father lost his son, two sisters lost their brother, four boys lost their brother, a woman lost their partner, another woman lost the father of her child, a seven-year-old boy lost his father. this is not the time for some people to pick up their gut and talk shit about his life. this is not the time nor the place. keep that in mind.

and on an important note, nobody should point fingers at anyone who should be at fault for his death. if it's published as an accident, I'm not believing it as anything else other than an accident. don't be that person who put the blame on maya. she was brave for coming forward with it, as well as the other victims. all she did was give us a view of what went behind the curtains and the cameras, the timing was unfortunate. we simply have no right to point fingers and call out anyone as we know nothing about what truly happened. this isn't what anyone would have wanted, don't do that. what we should do is mourn his passing, stay strong and wish his family and loved ones well. because if we, as fans, are going through this much pain, I can't imagine the pain they're going through at all.

when I saw louis, zayn and harry's post today morning I sobbed for the first time. it suddenly felt too real, I couldn't believe that liam was truly gone. every second up to that moment I read louis' caption, I was trying to convince myself that it was not real. but seeing them - seeing all three of them - remember liam in such a lovely way was like a knife to my heart. we can clearly see that they all love him very much and want him to be remembered as the kind soul he was. so let's remember him as such, the sweet boy who gave most of us a purpose at some point in our lives.

I'm typing this without any direction whatsoever but I hope you guys understand everything I'm saying. never in my entire life did I think I would be writing such a thing.

one direction was what led me to wattpad, I'm not sure if you know this. i found a book about louis and harry which landed me on a strange little orange website. and then, you guys know the rest.

I'm so incredibly thankful for everything one direction has done for me. liam was a part of something I loved more than myself and I'll forever love him for that. I'm so sad that he wasn't able to get the help he needed and redeem himself but I hope he's at peace now. he was so talented and kind but the industry was so cruel to him, the world was cruel to him and I hope, in another life, he'll be able to live up to his happiest moments and cherish them for eternity. i have so much more stuff to say but I'm going to stop here for now because I'm feeling so much in the moment and it's awful.

my heart goes out to liam's family, his friends, bear, everyone he's ever worked with and everyone's who has crossed paths with him. my heart goes out to all of you, all of us who has stood by him for so long. it's valid if you feel confused right now but remember, keep a dead man's name out of your mouth if you don't have good to say about him.

if you see strangers on the internet cursing him out, invalidating what you're feeling - stay out of it. you don't have to waste your energy to prove them wrong, it's the feeling in your heart that matters. if you feel like you need someone to talk to, reach out. my tumblr is @/hazz-a-bear and I'll also link my discord if you want. just remember that you're not alone and your feelings are valid.

let's all get together and grieve the boy that once gave life to all of us, he should be remembered for everything good he's done.

liam james payne, rest in peace 🤍

you'd given me so many memories to hold on to. it's one band, one dream and one direction till the end.

- esa.