BUCKY BARNES

"Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times
We gotta get away from here
We gotta get away from here"

        THEY TOOK HER. That was the first thing he could think of. They took Kaisa. He wasn't quite sure what they did to her or why they couldn't just leave her alone.

It had been three days since the guards came in and stole her from him. He didn't know why he watched her if he wasn't going to stop them from taking her. He swore to himself that he would protect the girl, and now she's gone. Just as quickly as she came into his life, brightened it up, brought colors into it, just as swiftly it was taken away from him. He felt the grayness consuming him again, the hopelessness pushing him under the water with all its weight and no matter how hard he tries to free himself from its grasp, it seems impossible, even with his memories back.

He didn't know what to do without his only friend here. He stayed up all night and day, staring at the empty cell and the very spot the girl was sleeping in before the guards took her away. James felt like all the remaining bit of his happiness and hope was leaving his body and he was too tired to fight it anymore. He never liked fighting, it didn't matter that that's all he's ever known his entire life, he still despised it with all his heart. He hated fighting, but he'd fight the people who took Kaisa from him til death.

James didn't know what to do with all the torturous amount of free time he had.

And so he waited.

He waited for Kaisa to return, for her to look up at him again and talk some sense into him. He waited for her to sit down, hug her knees to her chest like she did every night before she went to sleep and stare at the floor for a good hour or so. He waited for her to be back, for things to go back the way they were before. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be here, he was the one who was supposed to fight and do all the 'dirty work'.

He would never admit it, but he was scared. Scared of losing her too, scared of her not returning, scared of her being different when she comes back, scared of forgetting her... But what he feared most is accidentally hurting her, or even worse, killing her. He would never forgive himself if he, himself was the one who was stomping on the last source of light in his world.

After these thoughts filled his mind, it was too late. He let them in, now they're destroying every last bit of hope and positivity he had. Now he spiraled into a deep state of fear and desperation.

A loud scream pulls James out of his self-destructive thoughts as he jumps a bit, startled. The scream was high-pitched and full of pain and frustration. It kept dragging on and on until finally, it stopped. James instantly recognized the scream. He knew it was Kaisa. Even after the screams subsided, he still could hear them ringing in his ears, so he huffed and childishly covered his ears like that would do anything. He knew it wouldn't stop the echoes and it will forever haunt him, just like all the other screams he had heard in his life. He knew it was in his mind, not in his ears, but he still didn't budge and continued to cover his ears stubbornly.

Suddenly, the door slammed open and James saw two guards walking in, one of them carrying something in his arms. No, it wasn't something, it was someone.

   James glanced at the blonde mess in the guard's arms and felt his eyes widen and muscles tensing up. He suddenly felt more aware and cautious.

   He narrowed his eyes and snarled at the guard as he just threw the girl on the floor of her cell and closed the door, before walking out, whispering something about "Annoying kids" that James didn't catch, as he wasn't even paying attention to the stupid guards anymore, all his attention was on the little girl who was now lying unconscious on the floor, her blonde hair covering her face. James found himself wishing he could get out of his cell and into hers to gently move her hair out of her face and caress her back as she sleeps peacefully in his lap.

   James shook his head, wondering what that was about... He can't become this attached to the girl, so much that he thinks of her as his child. He never had kids, he couldn't have kids, not with his lifestyle. He has to stop this stupid 'fatherly instinct' bullshit and actually pay attention.

   But his mind kept wandering back to the thought of comforting the little girl and buying her some ice cream. It seemed like he was becoming addicted to the 'What if's. Maybe in another universe, where they met under different circumstances and he was able to protect her when she needed it, it would be sweet. But sadly, this is not that universe, no matter how much James wanted it to be, no matter how hard he shut his eyes and got lost in his own daydreams, wishing to be free from HYDRA again just for one second just so he can show Kaisa the childhood she so obviously missed out on. Unfortunately, that wasn't possible and even he knew that. But it was good to think about, it made him feel a bit better.

   He waited again.

   He waited for Kaisa to wake up. It seemed like that's all he did these days. Fight, wait, kill... Fight, wait, kill. Fight, wait, kill. It was a never ending cycle and he was getting tired of it.

   All of a sudden, the smallest and quietest whimper came from the other cell and James looked up with some newfound hope in his eyes. Kaisa was awake! So she wasn't dead yet and she woke up! It didn't even take her a day! He could feel his lips curving into a small, soft smile as he looked at her, waiting for her to wake up and strike a conversation if she felt like it. He didn't want to pressure her into anything that she wasn't entirely comfortable with.

   But his smile soon transformed into a frown of rage and concern as he noticed that the girl's whole body was covered in cuts and purple bruises.

   "Kaisa...?" He asked, his tone dripping with a mixture of sadness, relief and anger.

   The girl slowly sat up and looked up at him. Her left eye was badly swollen, her lower lip bleeding and there were small, almost insignificant cuts all over her face as well. The biggest cut was on the right side of her face, it going through her eyebrow. She blinked twice, like she didn't remember ever entering her cell. Something burning red caught James' eyes. Her nose was bleeding.

   "Kaisa, what happened? Are you alright?" He wished with all his heart that he could walk up to her and wipe all the blood away, make her a hot chocolate and tell her it was going to be alright. His heart ached as reality struck him like lightning in a summer night storm.

   The girl looked down and wiped the blood from her nose as she replied, "I tried to escape, James... I really did, I tried so hard, but they caught me..." Her voice trailed off and she looked ashamed. "They caught me and... This was my punishment... They said it will be worse next time I pull something like this..." Her tone was so soft, it was almost a whisper, like she broke inside just like her voice.

   James felt tears threatening to spill from his eyes as he listened to Kaisa. He knew it. He should've protected her. He should've stopped them from getting her. He should've done something. But he didn't. He didn't do any of those things, he just watched as they took her, like a bystander. It wasn't fair. Why was she suffering only because he was too much of a coward to say or do anything? And he's supposed to be the ruthless, mindless Winter Soldier...

   He looked down, ashamed of his tears as he just let the feelings overcome him and started sobbing quietly. He could see from his peripheral vision Kaisa looking up at him with wide eyes, but it was all too blurry from his own tears that he wasn't too sure. And why would she even look at him with anything other than indifference?

   All that waiting and this is what it got him. How pathetic...