KAISA HÄMÄLÄINEN

"All of my pain and all your excuses
I was a kid, but I wasn't clueless
Someone who loves you
Wouldn't do this"

         SHE TRIED HER best not to care that James was weeping right in front of her very eyes. She didn't know he was even capable of feeling anything, so this was a big surprise for her. Why would he even cry? Did something bad happen? It couldn't have been because of her, she wasn't that great that the man shed tears.

Nevertheless, Kaisa didn't give up on trying to escape. With or without James, she'd do it. There was no place or time for second thoughts or well thought-out plans, that's what she learned here, that no matter how she feels, no matter how secure she tried to think, the scientists and guards were unpredictable and dangerous. Just one command and it'd be over. She was always a person for plans, but now she was forced to stop thinking ahead and start making decisions on the spot.

She knew it wasn't over with a simple beating and the harsh experiment she went through, the men who took her back (of more like dragged her back) looked infuriated. They wouldn't let it slide with a simple punishment.

James kept crying, sniffing occasionally, constantly snapping Kaisa out of her thoughts, so she looked up with frustration and annoyance. But as soon as she saw the look on his face, her facial expressions softened.

"James...?" She asked hesitantly. She didn't know how to comfort people, seeing as she's never been comforted either and the constant memories of being told that crying was for the weak over and over again made her toughen up and now that she was exposed to a grown up man sobbing in front of her with little to no shame whatsoever, it confused her endlessly. However, she still tried her best. For James. "Are you okay?"

James shook his head and took a deep, shaky breath. "No... I thought I lost you. I was so worried, I blamed myself, I thought they took you or something went wrong... I waited for days and when you didn't return, I started staying up all night thinking over the possible scenarios and they were all so horrible..." He sniffed.

Kaisa blinked twice in utter confusion. What? James cared about her? So much that he blamed himself for her failure? That was new... Definitely new. She wasn't used to people caring about her at all, let alone so much so that they beat themselves up over it... She was trying to process it all.

   James must've taken her silence as a bad sign as he tried to explain himself, "I just... I don't even know why I'm even saying all of this, just... You know, what? Just forget it, it's nothing. Nothing impor-..."

Kaisa cut him off before he even got to finish his sentence, "No," She smiled, her first genuine smile since she got there. "No, I... I care about you too."

James looked at her like she had just said she was growing a second head. It seemed like he couldn't believe what he was hearing, and, to be fair, Kaisa couldn't believe the words that were coming out her mouth either. But she didn't care anymore. Fuck being scared of attachment. She cared about James. She didn't know when it happened, but it did and she was more glad and relieved than she was worried and scared.

"You... care about me...?" James asked in a low whisper, almost like he feared if he spoke too loudly, he would ruin the moment. The girl nodded, now more confident.

She could see James thinking it over. He thought hard, it was obvious with how he looked, it seemed like he had let his guard down and his emotions immediately showed on his face. She could tell he was confused, but also relieved and maybe... hopeful? It was hard to tell, seeing as he only looked down and didn't say a word.

   Kaisa waited patiently for him to say something. Anything.

   Then, seemingly out of nowhere, James looked up and smiled at her. 'He knows how to smile?' Kaisa thought to herself, but didn't dare to say it out loud. The man spoke in a tone that was unfamiliar from him, but still filled the girl with comfort. "I care about you too. A lot. And I'm glad you're okay... friend."

   At that last word, Kaisa let out a small and soft chuckle. Friend. What a wonderful, everyday word. It didn't feel as foreign as it did the first time and she took it as a good sign. Maybe she was meant to be reincarnated as Kaisa so she could meet James. Maybe that was her fate all along. Maybe that was the reason why the universe decided to give her another chance at life. So she could have a friend. A true friend. Not the ones she made when she was Nea, looking for a way out of the endless labyrinth she was stuck in and living just to complete missions. No, this was different. James was different. She was different. Everything was different and for once in her life, she didn't mind the change. Maybe James' presence will be a good influence for her and she could change too. She suddenly realized that that's all she wants now. To change. And the fact that she realized that the way she was living and acting up until this point was wrong was the first step to changing and deep down, she knew that. Her subconscious mind also knew that she was capable of changing and making a difference. She always have been and with James, she could have that. She could change so she could be saved. What a win-win situation! Those were rare at times like these...

   She needed James. And she was so glad that she wasn't ashamed to admit that anymore.

   And so, they spent the rest of their day and night talking about whatever came to their minds, and for once in a long time, Kaisa didn't mind the small talk, in fact she enjoyed it. She was now convinced that even with the scientists and the cruel guards and their harsh grips, she would survive with James by her side. And she would escape. She will escape and she will do that too with James right by her side. There was no way, no fucking way she would leave him behind, she's not going anywhere without him.

-______-

Kaisa was woken up by the sound of the door slamming into the wall. She sat up and sleepily rubbed her eyes, looking around, trying her hardest to focus but her mind was still half asleep.

The guards. They were here for her. They were opening her cell door.

   Fuck.

   Kaisa tried to fight them off, failing miserably as they grabbed her arms and pulled her up to her feet. She tried to kick them off, but all she managed to do was make them even more frustrated and they were now even more angry. One of them pulled out a syringe and injected her with the tranquilizer. She felt herself go numb, but just before everything went dark, she swore she could hear James yelling at the guards. Or maybe it was just her mind desperately trying to hold on and stay awake.

   As she woke up, there were doctors all around her. She blinked a couple times to get her eyes to focus and as the blurry lines faded away, she realized she was, once again, in the lab. 'No. No, no, no, no, no, please...'

Kaisa hated to admit it, but she was not only scared in that moment, but something even more... terrified. She was shaking, not sure if it was from her fear or anger, but there wasn't an inch of her body that wasn't shaking. Her eyes were now wide and filled with a deep sense of anxiety, her breath was shaky and shallow, she could feel her heart beating so hard she feared she might either have a heart attack or the beats being so strong that her heart rips through her chest and falls down to the floor. She was hoping for the latter, the chance of survival wasn't that high in that one, in fact, it was a really strong 0.

The doctors soon realized that she was awake again because they called the 'chief' in and asked him what to do in this situation, as it probably never happened before.

   The 'chief' looked down at her on the table she was strapped down in and smiled. It wasn't the nice, comforting and gentle smile that James had worn on his face when they were talking, it was a way more sinister and scary one.

   "Why, good morning, Poltergeist," Kaisa internally cringed at that word, but didn't say anything. She can't break her silence now! "We're right in the middle of a special project made just for you. It's called 'Switch'."

   As he said those words, the scientists put something over her mouth and as she breathed in, everything faded into darkness once again. Her mind was almost empty, one word was repeated constantly, like a broken vinyl record.

   "Switch".