ANOTHER LONG CHAPTER TO APOLOGISE FOR THE WAIT!

For Bolyhos, my childhood dog who passed away due to poisoning in 5th of May, 2020. I'll forever miss you and think about you <3 wish you could still be here and I could've been there for you in your last days, I'm sorry. 🫶

NATASHA ROMANOFF

"And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town"

NATASHA HAD GROWN accustomed to wake up in the middle of the night due to a nightmare, or several in one endless and torturous dream. It was inescapable, that's why she didn't even try anymore. She never got surprised anymore. That, however didn't mean that it all got better over time like so many had said it would. If anything, the endless reminders of her past have just worsened over the years, and deep down she knew it was because of how much she was bottling her emotions up. The more she tried to hide, to run from it all, the more it haunted her when she was the most vulnerable... in her sleep.

This night in the early days of March was no different and Natasha has found herself waking up hyperventilating and drenched in sweat, the images of the nightmare still fresh in her mind. She could practically taste the scream that almost escaped her lips, it burned at the back of her throat, begging to be released.

But she couldn't.

She couldn't give in and scream like a child. That would not only wake possibly everyone up in the tower, but also she would accept that she was struggling, that the nightmares were back and they were worse than ever. And she didn't want that. How pathetic she was for being so vulnerable that she almost screamed.

Everyone knew that if you spoke it out loud, you're actually acknowledging that it's happening and you can't pretend it doesn't and hide in a secluded place in your own mind, hoping the bad thoughts and dreams can't reach you there. And everyone knew Natasha was almost as stubborn as Steve, and opening up to anyone, even to Clint is hard for her.

But weirdly enough, she wasn't dreaming about The Red Room now. No, she relived as Nick Fury died right in front of her as she begged silently, through tears for him to survive. How pathetic she was for showing emotions in front of Steve and Maria... She had gotten soft. That's what the voices said in her dream also.

That's what they always said.

One of her biggest fears has come true now. Her mentor died, the man she trusted more than ever. How could she let that happen? Fury was like a father to her and now she let him down. Just like she did to everyone else.

Sighing, Natasha got out of bed, knowing that the guilt and overwhelming grief was no excuse to not get the job done. Just because she felt under the weather doesn't mean that she has no responsibilities.

She walked into the hospital that Fury was pronounced dead in and went over to the vending machine. That's when she noticed something behind the gums...

   -______-

        Natasha waited. That's what she was the best at. Well, except lying and killing. She waited for Rogers to finally realize that the USB drive went missing. And when she saw a man in a hoodie and familiar blond hair walk over to the vending machine, Nat walked right behind him and from the reflection on the glass she could see his confusion and then realization dawned on his face as he noticed her chewing gum.

   Then, seemingly out of the blue, he grabbed her arm and pushed her into a room where there were no ears to hear this conversation.

   "Where is it?" He asked firmly, going right to business. As soon as he started talking, he took off his hoodie and stared into her eyes as if he could read her mind and detect a lie.

   "Safe," Nat replied, giving away nothing.

   "Do better," He spat, not pleased with the answer.

   Natasha furrowed her eyebrows in concentration as she asked her next question, paying close detail to his facial expressions, "Where did you get it?"

   "Why would I tell you?"

   That's when Nat understood. Captain America could never lie and no amount of super soldier serum can make his inability to keep a straight face and eye contact while doing so. He planted it in this hospital for a reason... And he also got defensive, which could only mean that he didn't want her or anyone to know, ergo it was from someone he or they both trusted deeply. And there weren't many people Natasha trusted...

   "Fury gave it to you. Why?" It wasn't really a question needed to be answered, more like a statement.

   Rogers tried to change the subject, "What's on it?"

   "I don't know." She shrugged her shoulders.

   "Stop. Lying." Steve pushed her further into the wall, to which Natasha responded with a raised eyebrow and the truth for once.

   "I only act like I know everything, Rogers."

   Steve looked behind him, watching the people pass by the room, making sure no one could overhear them, before turning back to Nat. "I bet you knew Fury hired the pirates, didn't you?"

   Natasha hesitated for a moment, finally looking away from his eyes. Then she answered in a less cocky tone, "Well, it makes sense. The ship was dirty. Fury needed a way in, so do you." Her eyes flicked between his chin and his eyes.

   "I'm not gonna ask you again!" Rogers started to lose his patience as he pushed her again and gritted his teeth. His voice was slightly raised which caused Nat to flinch a little. It brought back memories of yelling of the Red Room and her nightmares and just for a second, she was back there.

   Suddenly, Natasha was a little girl again, getting yelled at by general Dreykov and Madame B for not being perfect and for being sloppy. She tried blinking back her tears, but they rolled down her cheeks nevertheless, to which she received more yelling and discipline.

   Natasha blinked twice to get back to the present before Rogers could notice her involuntary slip-up.

   As she thought of Fury, another memory came to her. A less painful one, but still not a good one. Not like she had many good ones to choose from in the first place.

   "I know who killed Fury," She breathed, her eyes looking from one of Rogers' blue eyes to the other. She wanted to gauge his reaction, like she had been taught to do so since she was five.

   And that seemed to catch Rogers off-guard. He looked taken aback and answered only by further knitting his eyebrows together and taking a slow step back, trying to decipher the truth of the redhead's words.

   Nat looked down for a second, before starting her explanation, "Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists. The ones that do, call him 'The Winter Soldier'. He's credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last 50... years." She dragged out the end of her sentence, knowing how ridiculous it sounded.

   The blond man, however only nodded. "So he's a ghost story."

   And that's when Nat knew she was going to have to convince him, and by doing that she had to share a piece of information about herself.

   "Five years ago, I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran. Somebody shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff." Nat nodded her head to the side to empathize her words. "I pulled us out. But The Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer so he shot him... straight through me." Natasha pulled up her shirt, showing the scar the bullet had left on her body. Rogers just stared at it with an unreadable face. "Soviet slug. No rifling. Bye-bye bikinis." She raised an eyebrow and smirked slightly.

   "Yeah, I bet you look horrible in them now." Rogers retorted.

   There was a slight pause while they both thought it through before the redhead decided to warn him. "Going after him is a dead-end. I know, I've tried." She shook her head, "Like you said, he's a ghost story." She pulled out the USB drive from her pocket in the hoodie and held it up for Rogers to see.

   He looked down at it, then back at her. Then he took it out of her hand and took a minute to think before giving in, "Well, let's find out what the ghost wants."

   -______-

        The disguises they were wearing were not comfortable but they were good for their purpose. Natasha was slowly getting more and more annoyed at Rogers because he was looking over his shoulders every two seconds and trying to run from everyone he saw as they walked through the mall. It was obvious he wasn't used to being a fugitive and remaining unseen was also not one of his outshining qualities.

   "First rule of going on the run is don't run, walk." Natasha instructed him.

   "If I run in these shoes, they're gonna fall off." Rogers replied, but Natasha wasn't paying attention to him anymore.

   Soon, they reached an electronic store and started working.

   "The drive has a level 6 homing program, so as soon as we boot up, SHIELD will know exactly where we are." Natasha explained as Rogers kept looking around the store in paranoia.

   "How much time will we have?"

   "About nine minutes from... now," She said as she put the USB into the laptop in the store. "Fury was right about that ship... Somebody's trying to hide something." She tried opening the file, but it didn't let her. "This drive is protected by some sort of AI. It keeps rewriting itself to counter my commands."

   "Can you override it?" Rogers looked at the laptop, then down at Nat's hands.

   "The person who developed this is slightly smarter than me." She looked over at him. "Slightly."

    Then she had another idea, "I'm gonna try running a tracer. This is a program that SHIELD developed to track hostile malware. So if we can't read the file... Maybe we can find out where it came from." She typed and soon a map started to show.

   "Can I help you guys with anything?" A man who probably worked there walked over to them. He had long, blond hair, a fairly long beard, blue shirt and a tag in his neck.

   Natasha's mind immediately went into spy mode and changed her tone completely to a more feminine and cheerful one. "No. My fiancé was just helping me with some honeymoon destinations." She chirped, putting her arm around Rogers' shoulder.

   "Right. We're getting married." Rogers murmured, both as a way of asking her 'Really? That's the best you could come up with?' And trying to play along so the worker won't suspect anything.

   But the guy was as dense as a spoon. "Congratulations. Where are you guys thinking about going?" He tried to look at the laptop, but Rogers thankfully got in the way and read it himself.

   "New Jersey." Natasha didn't have to look up to know the face he was making. It was the 'forgive-me-Brooklyn-for-I-have-sinned' look.

   Then there was a brief silence before the guy started speaking again. "I have the exact same glasses."

   "Wow, you two are practically twins..." Nat said sarcastically as she still kept her eyes on the laptop screen.

   "Hah, I wish... Specimen. If you guys need anything, I've been Aaron."

   Rogers, being the polite man he is, thanked him, then turned back to Nat and looked down at his watch, even though the clock was right there on the bottom corner of the laptop screen. He's an old man, a grandpa, really. "You said nine minutes. Come on." He urged Nat.

   "Relax." She pressed a few more keys, then smirked. Once again, she had won. Perfect. Perfect. Just the way they trained her to be. Just the way she was supposed to be.

   "Got it." She looked over at Rogers, then instantly stopped smirking as she realized he knew the place. "You know it?"

   "I used to... Let's go." He took out the drive and quickly walked outside with Nat following close behind. As they were trying to get away, Rogers started talking again. "Standard Tac team. Two behind, two across and two coming straight at us," He explained to Nat. "If they make us, I'll engage, you hit the south escalator to the metro."

   "Shut up and put your arm around me. Laugh at something I said." Natasha interrupted the man.

   "What?"

   "Do it."

   And so he did. They laughed together as they passed by the two STRIKE team members. He didn't even spare them a second glance. Perfect. Perfect again. Just like always.

   Still, Natasha could feel Rogers looking back. God, he really didn't know how to stay looking not suspicious, did he?

   As they reached the elevator, Natasha looked down and immediately noticed Brock Rumlow. Then turned around and looked straight into Rogers' blue eyes. "Kiss me." She ordered.

   "What?" Came the immediate response.

   "Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable."

   "Yes, they do." He tried to reason with her, but she just grabbed the back of his neck, pulled him down and kissed him. Then as soon as they reached towards the end of the escalator, she stopped and started walking downstairs.

   "You still uncomfortable?"

   Rogers followed behind, sounding out of breath. "It's not exactly the word I would use..."

   -______-

        As they were driving in a car to New Jersey, Natasha had her feet up the dashboard as she turned towards Rogers with furrowed eyebrows and interest in her tone. "Where did Captain America learn how to steal a car?"

   Rogers shifted in his seat as he looked at the road ahead, "Nazi Germany. And we're borrowing. Take your feet off the dash." At that, Natasha gave him an amused look and almost said something snarky in response but decided against it and just obeyed.

   A slight smirk creeped its way to her face as she asked a question. "All right, I have a question for you, which you do not have to answer. I feel like, if you don't answer it though, you're kind of answering it, you know?"

   Rogers nodded his head impatiently, "What?"

   "Was that your first kiss since 1945?"

   "That bad?" He answered with a question, probably too embarrassed to look at her so he kept his eyes on the road.

   "I didn't say that." She tried saving the situation.

   "Well, it kind of sounds like that's what you're saying."

   "No, I didn't. I just wondered how much practice you've had." Nat shrugged and looked at him.

   "You don't need practice."

   "Everybody needs practice!" Nat basically cut the soldier off.

   "It was not my first kiss since 1945." Rogers stated as Nat smirked even more, not so sure if she believed him or not, then looked out the window once more. "I'm 95, I'm not dead."

   Suddenly, a thought occurred to Natasha as she glanced over to Rogers as he kept driving. "Nobody special, though?"

   Then a pang of silence, and Natasha really started to consider apologizing for asking the question and started to think he wasn't going to answer at all when he started speaking. "Believe it or not, it's kind of hard to find someone with shared life experience."

   Nat didn't understand his problem. That didn't sound like a problem at all. He could always just pretend to be someone he isn't. "Well, that's all right. You just make something up."

   Rogers looked at her for a second and raised his eyebrows. "What, like you?"

   "I don't know." She paused, "The truth is a matter of circumstance. It's not all things to all people, all the time." Another pause, when she suddenly remembered that she had over shared. "Neither am I." She smirked and looked at him, hoping, praying that he didn't see through her and her façade.

   "That's a tough way to live." Rogers said eventually. What a shame he wasn't as stupid and unsuspecting as Aaron.

   "It's a good way not to die, though." She stared out the window, deep in fought about her way of surviving, when she got pulled out by the man's voice.

   "You know, it's kind of hard to trust someone... when you don't know who that someone really is." He looked at her. He had seen her. He looked at her like he understood and that made Natasha very uncomfortable.

   "Yeah..." She whispered, now not smirking at all. Then she looked away and thought about his words for a second. Maybe he was right... Maybe she should be more trusting and tell him the truth, but how? She was taught all her life to be on guard and to not trust anyone. She can't just go against her own nature. It's not that simple... But maybe she can start by something small.

   She glanced back at Rogers. "Who do you want me to be?"

   He seemed to think it over before deciding on an answer. "How about a friend?"

   At that, Natasha chuckled and turned away. Of course he would say that... Then she turned serious again and didn't want to look at him as she was saying the next words. She hated anyone seeing her being vulnerable, she was taught it was a weakness and she was honestly terrified of losing the only good people she has in her life because of it. Or because they wouldn't like the real her. Of course they wouldn't... She's a monster, a weapon, a force to be beckoned with... She's not meant to be a friend, someone to be emotional with.

   "Well, then there's a chance you might be in the wrong business, Rogers." At her last words, she turned her head back towards him and put on her signature smirk.

   Captain America didn't answer, just continued driving. They arrived just in time for the sunset. Nat liked the sunset, it reminded her of her sister and their lives before the Red Room. It reminded her of the laughs she had with her friends, her mother's cooking, the little games her and Yelena played and their old house.

   It gave her a sense of belonging, a sense of security. Every time she looked at a sunset, she wondered where Yelena might be. Did she make it out? Did she die? Is she okay? Thoughts like these brewed in her mind like some sort of hurricane.

   She really hoped that Yelena had made it out but if she would've, then Natasha would've heard from her. Never mind, hope dies last. That's what they all say.

   But what if that hope had died out long ago?

   -______-

        They found where SHIELD started in the base, that must be where the signal came from. They walked out of the strange elevator and looked around as the lights started to flicker, then turn on. Natasha walked over to the old looking computers and scoffed.

    "This can't be the database. This technology is ancient." She smirked, but then looked down at the table and noticed something... She put the driver in it and suddenly all the recordings lit up and started to play. The computer started typing on its own, the neon green letters practically glowing on the black screen.

   'Initiate system?' It asked and Nat walked over to the keyboard, then started typing.

   "Y-E-S spells yes." She smirked, waiting for it to do something, anything. "Shall we play a game?" Then the thought that Rogers perhaps didn't under the reference, she turned back and started to explain. "It's from a movie that was really pop-..."

    "I know. I saw it." The blond cut her off.

    'Wow, rude much...' Nat thought to herself as she put her hand on her hip and turned back to the computer, watching as a face started to form from green lines.

    "Rogers, Steven." It started speaking in its AI-like voice. "Born 1918." Then a screeching voice came and it started speaking again, this time to Natasha. "Romanoff, Natalia Alianovna," That's when Nat noticed the camera that turned towards her, that must've been the unbearable voice. "Born 1984."

   Natasha furrowed her eyebrows, trying to make sense of whatever the thing in front of her was. Just what had she gotten herself and Rogers into? "It's some kind of recording..."

   "I am not a recording, Fräulein." It sounded offended. "I may not be the man I was when the Captain took me prisoner in 1945. But I am." As soon as it said that, another computer's screen lit up and a man appeared that looked identical to the one currently speaking to them.

   Natasha turned towards Rogers, "You know this thing?"

   Rogers started strolling. "Arnim Zola was a German scientist who worked for the Red Skull," He explained as he went behind the computer. "He's been dead for years."

   "First correction, I am Swiss. Second, look around you. I have never been more alive." Natasha started to get a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach as she looked at the countless recordings. "In 1972, I received a terminal diagnosis. Science could not save my body. My mind, however, that was worth saving. On 200,000 feet of databanks. You... are standing in my brain." By the time he finished, Rogers was back at being next to the redhead.

   "How did you get here?"

   "Invited." Came the simple response.

   Natasha thought about it, staring at the ground. "It was Operation Paperclip after WW2. SHIELD recruited German scientists with strategic value." She explained to the Captain.

   "They thought I could help their cause." The 'brain' of Zola interfered. "I also helped my own."

   Natasha now understood why she was getting a 'this is very bad' feeling in her guts. She glanced over at the Captain.

   "HYDRA died with The Red Skull." He stubbornly stated what he thought was the truth.

   "Cut off one head, two more shall take its place." The voice boomed, changing from Zola's face to a symbol they both immediately recognized and dreaded. The HYDRA symbol. Then Zola's face came back and turned into two of them.

   "Prove it." Rogers nodded his head.

   "Accessing archive..." Zola started, then on the other two computers numerous pictures and videos appeared. "HYDRA was founded on the belief that humanity could not be trusted with its own freedom. What we did not realize was that if you try to take that freedom, they resist." Videos of Rogers in the war came up. "The war taught us much. Humanity needed to surrender its freedom willingly." Pictures and videos of a burning Hitler picture appeared, then Zola continued his explanation.

   "After the war, SHIELD was founded." SHIELD pictures popped up, one of them being Howard Stark. "And I was recruited. The new HYDRA grew. A beautiful parasite inside SHIELD." Natasha and Rogers both took a step towards the computer in both shock and utter disbelief. "For 70 years, HYDRA has been secretly feeding crisis, reaping war." Countless video and photo evidences showed on the computer screen that made Natasha shiver, a running down her spine. "And when history did not cooperate," Strikes, war and a shiny red star appeared. "History was changed."

   "That's impossible. SHIELD would've stopped you." Natasha muttered, still in shock from the images and Zola's words.

   "Accidents happen." The words on the article were there to read but Natasha's mind turned off for a second as she stared at the young Howard Stark in front of her. The words 'Howard and Maria Stark die in car accident' burned into her memory. Then flashes and Nick Fury took Howard's place with the word 'deceased' on his file.

   "HYDRA created a world so chaotic..." Nat and the Captain both stared dumbfounded as an explosion happened on screen and then Zola continued his speech in such a calm and normal manner that made the redhead feel even more uneasy. "That humanity is finally ready to sacrifice its freedom... to gain its security. Once a purification process is complete... HYDRA's new world order will arise." The images changed quickly. So fast that Nat didn't even process how bad one was before the computer showed yet another. Security camera footage from the street, people walking in SHIELD headquarters, the glitch of the HYDRA symbol, more security cameras everywhere, a view of Earth from outer space, policemen running, the USA, thousands of satellites and finally, a big weapon built for nothing more than mass destruction and murder.

   "We won, Captain." It mocked Rogers. "Your death amounts the same as your life." It paused as it showed an article about Rogers disappearing. "A zero sum." It changed back to Zola as his voice taunted the Captain.

   Rogers finally had enough and took his pent up aggression and rage out in a punch to the screen. The green lines disappeared as cracks began to appear.

   Then his annoying voice could be heard again. "As I was saying..."

The Captain cut him off, walking over to the smaller computer to the left. "What's on this drive?"

   "Project Insight requires insight... So, I wrote an algorithm."

   Natasha decided to interfere before Rogers punches that Computer in as well, "What kind of algorithm? What does it do?" She sneaked up behind Steve.

   "The answer to your question is fascinating... Unfortunately, you shall be too dead to hear it." He didn't even have a normal face but Natasha was sure he was smirking.

They both turned around as they heard he doors to the elevator were closing in. Captain acted quickly, throwing his shield to stop it but it just missed. Natasha took out her phone and looked at it. She felt her face fall.

   "Steve, we got a bogey." Steve turned to look at her as she explained, "Short range ballistic." Then looked up at Rogers. "30 seconds top."

   "Who fired it?"

   "SHIELD."

   "I am afraid that I have been stalling, Captain. " Rang the semi-robotic voice of Zola once more. Nat took out the drive as fast as possible as Steve looked back, while that stupid computer was still talking. "Admit it, it's better this way." Steve ran over to a vent on the floor and ripped the lid off. "We are, both of us... out of time." The redhead ran over to him and they jumped down, the vibranium shield just above their heads.

   Natasha could feel the pieces of the building collapsing, fire spreading and big chunks of cement hitting their bunker, before everything went dark.

   -______-

        They walked to a house. Steve said he knew it was safe, but Nat knew better than to blindly trust anyone's words.

   Seconds later, a dark skinned man opened the door, "Hey, man." He said, confusion and alarm swirling in his brown eyes.

   "I'm sorry about this. We need a place to lay low." The blond man explained as Nat tried to stay standing on her feet, but it was getting harder by the minute.

   "Everyone we know is trying to kill us." Natasha stated quietly, to which the man standing in front of her looked at her for the first time with concern and fear replacing the confusion in his eyes. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked between the Captain and Nat for a few seconds, seemingly thinking it through before opening his door more so they could go inside.

   "Not everyone." He nodded as he stepped out of the way, letting them in. Then he looked around the street to make sure no suspicious people were around, then closed the door and the blinds as well, ensuring that no prying ears or eyes will pass him.

_____________________

Omg this is SOOOO LONG! 4700 words. Wrote it in two days. 😅💕 so sorry for the wait again and hope y'all have a nice weekend! (I'm sick so I'm not hehe)