KAISA  HÄMÄLÄINEN

"We'll be a fine line
We'll be a fine line
We'll be a fine line
We'll be alright
We'll be alright"

        FACE. SIX. LIGHT. Care. Home. Switch.

Switch.

Switch.

Switch.

Switch.

Switch.

Kaisa gasped as she sat up on the floor, suddenly waking from her nightmare. She coughed as the cold air filled her lungs and looked around her cell in panic. What had happened? Was that another one of her dreams? Was it real? Was anything real? She didn't know and she didn't like not knowing.

   It was still somewhat light. Why wasn't it the middle of the night? How long has she been asleep?

   'Okay... Okay, deep breaths. You can do it... You can do it, for fuck's sake, you are Nea goddamn Heinonen! Calm down...' She thought to herself, chanting the words "calm down" over and over again until the words have lost all their meanings and took deep breaths.

   Inhale... hold... exhale. Repeat.

   Inhale... hold... exhale. Repeat.

   Inhale... hold... exhale. Repeat.

   One more time.

   Inhale... hold... exhale.

As she slowly calmed down, she noticed James was watching her. He looked worried and confused, maybe even more than her.

   James.

   James.

   Jamie.

   Jamsie.

   Safe.

   She was safe. It took her a moment to realize that, but after the initial shock, she sighed in relief. Safe. Or... at least the closest thing to it. She can never be too safe in this place, especially with what she just went through.

   Or did she go through it?

   She wasn't sure what was real and what was a dream.

   "Kaisa?" The soft, soothing voice of James snapped her out of her trance-like state. She slowly raised her gaze up to meet his. His eyes were wide open. "Did you have another nightmare?"

   The girl nodded in response, still shaken up by the vivid images in her head. What even is this "Switch"?

   "Do you... want to talk about it? Maybe?" James asked cautiously, not wanting to upset the little girl further. The blonde sighed and looked down in shame. She didn't want to talk to him about it, she didn't want to burden him with her blackened mind and foolishly bad thoughts.

   "N-Yeah... Yeah, it... It wasn't really a nightmare, it was more like... I don't know how to explain it, it's just... it's one word repeating over and over again with some memories of some of the- my... mistakes, and it's... just really scary." She didn't want to tell him about her past life and all the people she had murdered. She didn't want James to look at her differently, she didn't want him to think of her the same way she did... like she was a monster. She knew she didn't deserve James, he was too good of a person for her and sometimes she stopped and thought that she might be the hot temperature to his milk. She feared he might be rotten just from her and her secrets, mistakes and past life. She didn't want him to leave her but if it meant he'd be better off, then she would choose it any day. And every time she thought of these scenarios and decided on the same thing, she was reminded once more just how much she cared about James and just how much she wanted the best for him.

   She looked up and shrugged. She didn't know what else she could say about her nightmares without telling him more than she wanted to.

   "I... I don't even know why it was so scary, it's just..."

   "I understand," James cut her off with a look of understanding in his blue eyes. "Constantly being reminded of your past and mistakes, especially in your dreams... I know how that feels like. And I know it's hard and you don't even feel safe in your own mind and you start to fear going to sleep because of it. It's... awful."

   Kaisa just blinked in surprise at his response. Did he just...?

   It was James' turn to look down in shame. "I know... And I'm sorry," He spoke like there was a deeper meaning behind his words, but he continued before Kaisa could ask about it. "I'm... sorry, I didn't mean- I... I didn't know you... struggling with this."

   After that, the conversation was pretty much over. James stayed quiet, seemingly in deep thought about something and tearing up once again, while Kaisa just sat there, in her cell, dumbfounded, wondering if James knew that what he was talking about was much more than just a simple nightmare. It was more than some simple regrets and mistakes. Because the moment that those regrets, mistakes and nightmares started haunting someone, it was PTSD, also known as post traumatic stress disorder. And that meant that James was far from 'okay' and 'fine'.

-______-

        When it was time for them to sleep, Kaisa lied down on the floor of her cell in the same spot she always did, it was now her 'bed', while James was still sitting in the same spot he did hours ago.

   "James?" She asked with her eyes closed.

   "Hm?"

   "I'm sorry... for being... well, me." She now sat up, wanting to get deeper into the conversation and opened her eyes again. James looked at her with confusion.

   "What?"

   "Well, you know, I... just... I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm a burden to you...?" By the end of her sentence, the girl was unsure of herself with the way James looked at her. Now she was starting to question her whole existence.

   "Kaisa... You're not a burden. Who told you you were?"

   The girl blinked twice, now definitely caught off-guard. "I... Well, no one but-" She started, but James cut her off once again.

   "Then stop asking stupid questions." The girl was taken aback by the sudden change in his tone. He must've noticed that his voice came out more harsh than he had wanted it to be, so he sighed and continued in a softer tone, "You're not a burden. You're the furthest thing from it. I actually... enjoy your presence..." By the end of it, he was smiling a little and his voice got so soft that it was almost a whisper.

   Kaisa felt the semi-familiar feeling of warmth spreading through her chest and she couldn't help but smile back at him. It made her feel good that James enjoyed her presence as much as she enjoyed his and he wasn't mad at her. She was surprised a bit at his display of affection and kindness, but not nearly as much as she was the first time it happened. But there was that little voice in the back of her mind that told her that it's only just temporary and soon, James will see her for who she really is and then it'll all be over. All the warmth, the smiles, the joy, the care, the bond... And she didn't want it to end, but she still feared she would just destroy James. Maybe not on purpose, but that won't matter if he's shattered on the floor all because of her and her secrets.

   She quickly shooed the thoughts away and tried her best to just focus on the good thoughts in her mind. Those were rare and she had learned to cherish them as much as possible.

   They spoke for a while before Kaisa yawned and decided that it was about time for her to go to sleep. And so she lied back down and got in the most comfortable position she could find on the cold, hard floor. She noticed from the corner of her eyes that James also lied down this time, which made her smile to herself.

   Kaisa closed her eyes and before she let the exhaustion and pent up emotions pull her into a deep sleep, she wanted to say one last thing to James. "Good night, Jamsie..." She mumbled, not realizing due to her sleepiness that she had just called him 'Jamsie', the nickname she had given him in her mind days ago, instead of his actual name.

   It was silent from the other side of the room, before a soft whisper could be heard.

   "Good night, Kai."

_________________

A bit shorter, but cute, fluffy chapter only for lauraa_writes , because she keeps plastering me with how much angst there is, so here you go. <33

Ps. I love the faces you make when you're reading this, it always makes me smile and gives me SO MUCH motivation, ilysm!!! 🩷🫶