KAISA HÄMÄLÄINEN

"Know it's for the better
Know it's for the better
Know it's for the better
Know it's for the better"

A BIG CRASH at around 3 am. That's what woke her up. From routine and instict, she immediately got out of bed, walked up to the window and as discreetly as she could, looked out. What she saw completely shocked her and at first, she couldn't even grasp the seriousness of the situation. She narrowed her eyes, trying to get a better look on whatever she was looking at. It was too dark to make out perfectly what it was, but the dim light the lamp offered, she could see better as the thing moved, in a weird way reassuring her that she's not imagining it...

A silhoutte.

A man's silhoutte was just outside of her house, staring directly at her. Something glinted in the light of the lamp and the moon. Perhaps a gun.

Kaisa's eyes widened as she realised the man was probably sent by someone to take her out. But why? No one knew it was her, Nea, so why? No one, other than herself. She knew better than to put any trust in the suspicious people she stayed with. She quickly drew the curtains, foolishly believing it would do anything.

Her breathing quickened and the air suddenly felt tight and not nearly enough for her. She closed her eyes, focused on inhaling and exhaling, trying to think rationally. As she calmed down -or at least nearly-, she slowly pulled the curtains and carefully looked out, ready to hide again if she heard anything even significally identical to the safety going off, she knew exactly what it sounded like, she has spent all too many times doing the same things, usually being the one behind the gun. She didn't know what to do with a situation where she's not in control, and instead, it being pointed at her. All she knew that the last time it happened, it didn't end well.

She focused on the man's movements, analizing his every move. How he looked, how he grabbed the gun in his right hand - so he was right handed, noted -, how he got ready to raise it and end her life. Something caught Kaisa's attention, something that out of pure fear and because she was focused on his gun, she missed the first time she looked at him. Something else glinted - almost shined - in the light.

He had a metal arm.

Kaisa furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. She didn't remember anyone who had a metal arm in Finland. Maybe he wasn't Finnish? But then who sent him?

She leaned closer to the window, trying to catch a glimpse of his clothes, the mask he wore, his arm, the gun still lowered in his arm, desperate to see anything that would help her find out who this is and who sent him, to no avail. She couldn't make out anything and the damn light still wasn't bright enough.

The man suddenly started walking towards the house, seemingly with all the intentions on getting in. Kaisa took a sharp breath and instantly got away from the window, ran out of her room and down the stairs as fast as she could while trying to not slip with her socks on the freshly vacuumed floor. As she got downstairs, just before she reached the lobby, she all of a sudden stopped right in her tracks.

The man can't get inside, due to the security system the house has. The door will only open after 7 am. She's safe. The windows are bullet-proof as well. She's safe, for now. Safe. Safe...

A big crash made her flinch and take a step back, taking a defensive position with her hands up, ready for everything. Another big crash. Or was it more like a bang? Is he shooting at the house? Is he trying to get in? What is he doing?

Kaisa couldn't help but be back at the scene of her death. The banging reminding her all too much about the gunshot ending her life. Her life flashing before her eyes as she desperately tries to hold onto any happy moment or feeling in her life, anyone who loved her, liked her or even cared the slightest bit about her. The feeling that even in her last moments, she still pretended to not care about the empty feeling right at the bottom of her heart that no amount of physical pain or bullet could fill up or make it disappear. The feeling of betrayal, her own betrayal as she backstabbed herself, with the many lies she has told herself over the years. That she doesn't care that she never had any real friends or a family, when in reality she cared all too well. That feeling of loneliness and fear that never seemed to go away.

She flinched as another loud bang pulled her out of her thoughts she so deeply sinked into. She wasn't supposed to do that. Lowering your ground even the slightest in situations like this only gets you killed, that was one of the first thing she has learned. And she failed to obey. She needed to come back to the present, as soon as possible or her chances of survival will lower from 1 in 50 to 1 in 1000.

"Come on... Pull yourself together. There's no time for those pathetic flashbacks and feelings now..." She whispered to herself, trying to soothe her nerves.

Another big bang, this time the man's dark silhoutte appeared behind the deformed window of the main door. He's trying to get in. No. He's trying to break in. And by the looks of it, he's going to succed in no time.

Kaisa took another slow step back, now terrified. Even though she was a trained spy and assassin in her last life, there's not much she can do in a tiny, six-year-old's body against an obviously furious and strong individual with a metal arm and a shotgun.

The loudest and biggest BANG! came and the door flew open. Then, a second of complete silence with the man's ocean blue, intimidating eyes staring into her sky blue ones. His eyes were cold, ruthless and empty. No sense of empathy or any feeling in them, not even hidden anywhere.

Kaisa's eyes widened just for a second before biting the inside of her cheek and narrowing her eyes. She was determined to fight this man til death if necessary. So what if she dies again? She didn't deserve a second chance, a second life anyway. For a split second, a single sad thought crossed her mind as she thought of the little girl who lived in this body before her, for six whole years. She probably had some plans before the accident happened, probably had dreams. Sure, foolish and childish ones like being a hairdresser or an astronaut, but dreams nonetheless. She thought of an apology to that girl and for the first time in her life, she actually meant it. Maybe she wasn't as cold and unfeeling as she initially thought? Maybe this second chance wasn't completely pointless and actually softened her a bit?

The man took slow, calculated steps towards her and for the first time since he appeared, spoke in a low, monotone voice,

"Do you remember anything? At all? Do you remember them?" At these questions Kaisa's arms lowered slightly and her determination seemed to falter. Before she could answer the question that was basically at the top of her tongue by now, the man continued, seemingly not even expecting a response from her. "Amalia? Gracie? Vivienne? Lauri? Cara? Taylor? Anastasia? Andrew? Jacob? Viktor? Hannah? John? Joe? Ella? Sophia? Sonya? Lewis? Renée? Isabelle? Tünde? Zoltán? Marya? Mark? Elvira? Olivia? Oliver? Kielo? Layla? Charlie? Orsolya? Zuzana? Ján? Sal? Veronica?" With each name, Kaisa's eyes widened more and more as she looked straight at the man, searching for any signs of life in his facial expressions or body language, once again, finding nothing.

"H-How do... you... know about th-them?" Her voice was shaky, just like her hands. She wanted answers and she wanted them now.

"Just because you want to forget something doesn't mean it didn't happen. Tell me, did you feel anything when you did it? Did you feel any guilt, shame, regret? Or do you not feel amything? Are you the machine they made you?" The man, with every word he spoke, got closer to her, breaking her cold exterior. Was it real? Or was it just a facade? Was anything in her life real? Does she even know the feeling, the concept of reality?

Kaisa blinked back her tears as the man continued talking, obviously not answering her question. She tried to keep herself from falling apart. She can't cry now, crying won't save her! But... does she really want to be saved? Does she even deserve it? If she doesn't die, why did those innocent people have to? Did they do anything wrong, or was their mere existence the reason why they had to be eliminated by her? So many screams, so many pleading, so many muffled thuds of bodies falling lifelessly to the ground, so many innocent lives taken and destroyed, so many grieving families, so many innocent people put behind bars because of her... All because of her. Does she have any positive feelings, any good memories or is her life just full of misery, pain, missions, killing and emptiness?

Kaisa took a few steps back, in sync with the man. "Who are you? What do you want from me?" She asked after taking a deep breath to win against the anxiety which was growing at rapid speed from second to second. It felt like a black hole, getting ready to grow bigger and bigger and once it outgrows her, it just consumes her until she's no longer a person, just a nervous wreck. She can't let the feeling overcome her now, this is no time to be a coward.

The man tilted his head slightly. "What do you mean? You don't remember me? You don't even recognise me... girl?" His tone suddenly shifted and his whole body changed as well. He no longer had a mask on, his left arm was real again, the shotgun began to shrink to a smaller one, his hair got visibly shorter and his lips formed a cocky smirk. It wasn't the same man anymore, no... It was the man who killed her. The man who shot Nea, fled the scene and as she bled out, probably got rid of the gun and never went to jail for her murder.

Kaisa gulped and looked at the man in unmistakable fear now. Is he going to kill her again? Did he come back to finish the job? She deserves death, so why is she so scared of it? This must be how all those people felt... This is the part where she's supposed to beg for her life, say how many things she never got to experience, talk about her homelife with pleading eyes, knowing it will fall on deaf ears, but hope dies last. This is it. This is the end of her second, and at the same time, last life. Her past has caught up to her and so did her karma. She should've known it was too good to be true. Of course...

The man suddenly raised the gun and shot her. Kaisa screamed, but just like expected, no sound could be heard, only the firing gun as it pierces into her skin, the blood spilling everywhere and this time it was her body that caused the muffled thud on the floor as she felt her warm blood flow out and stain her clothes. It was somehow comforting that at least she feels warm before she closes her eyes for the last time...