KAISA HÄMÄLÄINEN

"You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled"

NO MATTER HOW hard she tried to hide it, Kaisa was way past feeling intimidated. She couldn't believe it. The man from her nightmare, whom she completely believed was only a figment of her imagination and guilt up until now, staring right back at her with a hint of confusion and maybe hurt behind the cold, blue eyes, just as she remembered it.

She tried being as still as possible, as to not attract any unwanted attention from the man. She hated being afraid and how normal it seemed to her all of a sudden, like the man's mere presence was demanding fear and respect. She tried not to take her eyes off of him, unsure of what the man and his metal arm was capable of. She knew that in her nightmare he had broken down the door, breaking the security alarm system somehow, but who knows just how much of that was true? If there was one thing she still remembered from her training, it was that she can never be too sure on matters like this.

The man didn't say a word, but just by looking at him, Kaisa could tell he has been in that place for a lot more time than her. She slowly stood up and walked towards him.

"What's your name?" She asked curiously, observing the man's facial expression and body language. Nothing. It was like he was an ice cube. Cold and unfeeling. Kaisa waited for an answer for another few seconds before repeating the question, thinking that maybe he didn't hear her.

The man reacted. He stopped looking at her, instead he looked down at his chest. Kaisa followed his gaze, she was looking right at his... was it a necklace? It was a weird shaped one. No, it wasn't a necklace, it was more like a tag. It had his name on it, along with other informations on him. She squinted her eyes and took another step closer, trying to read the old tag.

When he realized she couldn't quite see it, he read it out loud. James. So his name was James. Full name, James Buchanan Barnes. As she listened to his voice, the girl noticed something odd. His voice wasn't as cold as his face, in a way it was both terrifing and comforting. It felt like listening to an old veteran talking about his experiences in the war. His voice was raspy, like his throat was dry or he had been screaming far too much. It also sounded like he even shocked himself by having a name, like just reading it out loud brought back some memories for him. His tone indicated that hearing his name was new to him and that confused Kaisa endlessly. What had they done to him?

After that, she stopped talking to him, it was obvious that he thought the conversation was over, even if she was almost aching to tell him her name and to ask him a million questions, she felt like she was practically burning with the questions right at the tip of her tongue. But she held her curiosity back, not wanting to overstep his boundaries and understandment of his feelings and thoughts. She could see his thoughts were circling around in his head with the speed of light, if she concentrated enough, she could swear she saw him trying to desperately trying to get a grip on at least one of them, but they must've been too quick and too much for him.

Kaisa backed away from the window, still looking at him cautiously, still not fully knowing just what he was capable of. She didn't want to be in the crossfire as he had a mental breakdown. She sat down and stayed quiet for the rest of the afternoon, sometimes looking up, silently checking up on him. She was still cautious around him, she didn't know why they had put her in the cell right next to his, when he so obviously wasn't okay and was most likely strong and dangerous. She didn't understand why they hadn't put any restraints on him. Was it because he had fought them off every single time? Was it to frighten her? Was it to torture him more? She didn't understand and she was getting tired of the things she didn't understand about this facility.

Soon enough, some guards entered the 'room' they were in, giving each of their prisoners their daily portions of food. She looked up at James, seeing his expression changing from deep in thought to emotionless and cold once again, but even then, she could notice the slight confusion behind his blue eyes. It was like he knew the customs there, but at the same time didn't.

Kaisa looked down at the 'food' she was given and sighed quietly, so the guards or James couldn't hear it. "Fantastic... I'll never have normal food again." She whispered to herself, as quietly as she could muster, but she could still see James looking at her from her peripheral vision, so she looked up at him. Sure enough, he was staring at her. The blonde felt slightly uncomfortable under his unwavering, almost harsh gaze.

"You'll get used to it." He said, so quietly that if she wasn't completely focusing on him, she may have never heard it. His voice was still raspy, like he hadn't talked in a long, long time. Kaisa was so caught off-guard about him actually speaking again that she just stared at him for a good five seconds, before looking down at her plate.

"Yeah... Maybe." She touched the mushy food, feeling extremely disgusted by it.

"I never asked you your name. What is it?" James asked and the little girl looked up, surprised that he wanted to keep the conversation going instead of being silent, like he had been for the past hours.

"Kaisa. Kaisa Hämäläinen." She replied in a flat tone. She still didn't feel like that name belonged to her, like she even deserved it. She felt like she was living a stranger's life, with a stranger's name, and in a way, she was. But James didn't need to know that.

James nodded, going back to his food. Kaisa nodded back, noting that that was the end of their second encounter with an actual conversation.

-______-

In the middle of the night, Kaisa jolted awake. Guards and scientists were in front of her cell, opening it and harshly grabbing her arm, forcing her to stand up and walk out with them. She blinked a couple times, trying to understand the situation she was in, to no avail, as her surroundings changed all too swiftly. She didn't know what was happening, what they were going to do to her, her still half asleep mind barely working. She watched as they took her to an unknown room, unable to protest due to her sleepy state.

They took her in a white room that looked like a lab.

'Oh, no... Nonononono, please, no...' She thought to herself, acting like the scared, helpless little girl she is.

They laid her down on the bed/table and put restraints on her ankles and wrists, this time sparing her neck from the collar. She looked around with wide eyes, desperately trying to look for any sign that the situation wasn't what she initially thought it was, or a kind face in the seemingly endless crowd of cruel ones, or a way to escape, all of them resulting in one thing... failure. It was in a way, ironic how she didn't know or even cared to acknowledge the concept of failure before. Like as Nea, failing was something she couldn't do, like it was impossible for her to do that. And now she was there, in the lab, strapped to a table in a wildly uncomfortable position, being totally helpless and failing. Failing to come up with a plan, failing to understand what was going on, failing at supressing her emotions, failing at everything.

That was her new title. Failure. She felt like that word was written all over her face, all over her body. The thought circling around her head, occasionally stopping almost as if it was trying to mock her in a way. She heard the word in her brain in her own voice. It was her voice, but at the same time, it wasn't. It wasn't Kaisa's voice, either. She could almost hear some sinister, deeper tone under her own, repeating the word over and over again until it sounded different. The letters, the syllables have lost their meaning, but they still stung just as much.

She watched as a scientist walked up to where she was, pulling out a syringe with a blue liquid in it. The blonde tried hard not to show on her face how scared she actually was, not wanting to give the satisfaction of seeing her uncomfortable and scared to these sadistic monsters. She reminded herself of the promise she made to herself. That no matter what techniques they used, she won't join them, she will never be one of them, she's not a monster.

That was, until the content of the needle entered her body and she felt its effect almost instantly. At first, it felt like she had been injected with some really cold liquid. She felt her whole body going limb from the cold, before she felt it. A burning sensation. Just at the tip of her fingers, at first, it felt good that she thought it was over and the warmth returning to her body. Until... The burning started to affect other areas of her body, as well. She looked down, expecing to see her chest and arms on fire, but much to her surprise, nothing like that was going on. But she still felt it. It burnt. It creeped up on her arm, spread through her chest and stomach, then her legs and soon enough, she felt her whole body being on fire. She wanted to scream, yell out in pain, but she just bit the inside of her cheek and endured the pain in its whole being. It felt unbearable, and she almost broke, she almost snapped but she quickly reminded herself of her promise and shut her eyes, trying to think of anything else other than the excruciating pain in her whole body.

Then she felt the burning slowly coming to an end, her heartbeat slowing down in sync with it. She can't cry now. No. Not in front of these sadists. She'll just have to survive this, then it'll all be over.

She lost her grasp on reality, she didn't even notice the guards pushing her back into her cell. She didn't notice her body hitting the cold, hard floor and she didn't notice James looking at her with curiousity behind his blue eyes hidden with a blanket of coldness and indifference.