••••

BUCK LETS OUT A LONG YAWN AS HE POURS COFFEE INTO HIS MUG. He hadnt gotten much sleep, mainly hoping that Victoria would come out of the bedroom. She had the door locked so he couldn't even go inside to check on her. Buck had just sat on the couch as he didn't really know what else to do. He was still a bit hurt that Victoria didn't want him around but all of that was forgotten when Kelly had shown up.

He couldn't begin to imagine how Victoria felt. Buck had never lost anyone, regardless of it being in the line of duty or not. So, he didn't really know what to say in order to cheer her up. Shay had been very close to her and Buck didn't know how to make Victoria feel better. It wasn't like saying anything would take away her pain.

As he brings the mug to his mouth, his eyes flicker to the door as it finally opens after what seemed like a very long night. Victoria appears from the room, her hands tying her hair up as she had a sweater and some leggings on. Buck furrows his eyebrows as he watches her move over to her sneakers.

"Uh, what are you doing?" Buck asks her, piping up from the kitchen. It seemed she noticed him standing there but she just shrugged her shoulders.

"Getting ready for work." She answers bluntly. Buck blinks a few times, moving toward the woman who just ties her shoes.

"Should you be going?" He questions. Buck didn't think she'd get out of bed today, let alone go to work.

"Why are you still here? Didn't you say you were gonna leave?" Victoria mumbles as she rolls her eyes a bit. Buck frowns as he crosses his arms against his chest.

"Your friend just died, Vic. I wasn't gonna leave you alone." Buck tells her and Victoria just moves over to the kitchen in order to grab some coffee.

"Maybe I want to be." She admits as she drinks from the mug now in her hand. Buck hovers behind her, not knowing what to do.

"Have you even told anyone?" He wonders, but by the fact no one has shown up at the apartment, it's safe to say she hasn't said anything.

"Have you?" Victoria retorts, narrowing her eyes a bit.

"I-It's not my place." Buck denies. He would tell them if it was necessary but he didn't think it was really his place to say anything.

"Wow, you are right about something." She says with a fake gasp, finishing her coffee before moving to the cupboard and taking out her water bottle.

"Kelly went to a hotel." Buck informs her.

"Cool." Victoria only fills up her water bottle, her eyes trained on it. Buck lets out a small sigh as he moves over toward her.

"Vic." He says, placing his hand on her lower back and he could feel the way she tensed slightly. "You should stay here. I'll call Bobby--"

"I don't need to stay here." Victoria's voice was snappy, a light glare on her face as she met his gaze. Buck tilts his head but moves his hand away from her.

"I don't think you're really processing what happened." Buck denies and Victoria scoffs as her jaw clenches.

"Oh, because you're inside my head now?" Victoria retorts, moving past him in order to head toward the door.

"Maybe if we just go see Kelly, you two can talk and be there for each other." Buck thought it was a good idea since they both lost her but it seemed Victoria didn't like that idea.

"She's dead, Buck. She's not coming back, just like everybody else." Victoria states sternly as she just chews the inside of her cheek. "I don't need to talk to him." Her voice was low now.

"Well, maybe you can still be there for him." Buck suggests. Kelly didn't seem okay last night and had left before Buck could really say anything to him. Victoria was probably the one person right now who could get him to open up.

"Kelly doesn't want me around, trust me." Victoria mumbles as she grabs her bag from the table. Buck wasn't exactly ready to leave yet but he didn't want her going by herself.

"I'll drive." He tells her. Victoria raises an eyebrow as she grabs her headphones.

"I'm just gonna run."

"It's eight miles away." Buck points out with a small frown forming. Victoria glances toward the clock.

"Okay? I have plenty of time." She retorts before a smirk appears on her face. "Well, less if you'll be with me dragging me back." Victoria teases with a wink. Buck couldn't even fake a smile as he just shook his head.

"I'll see you there." Buck tells her and Victoria laughs a bit, placing her bag on her shoulders.

"Thought so." And with that she just leaves the apartment. Buck could tell she was putting on an act, it was clear as day. Especially with how he heard her crying last night. Everyone had their way of dealing with grief or for Victoria, it was not dealing with it.

Buck didn't know what to do as he leant against the counter. He couldn't just let her go to work when she clearly wasn't okay. Their job wasn't some boring, long office day, they had peoples lives in their hands. And you could never afford to be unfocused.

••••

WALKING UP THE STAIRS IN THE STATION, Buck still had his bag on his shoulder as he saw the rest of the team sat at the table. He didn't see Victoria around which was good. Buck knew she would just keep everything to herself, it's what she normally did. But shays death was affecting her, no matter how much she tried to act like it wasn't. And that was really dangerous. Buck didn't want her hurting herself or others by continuing to do their job.

"Hey, guys." He says, catching their attention. Bobby smiles over at him as he just sat down at the table.

"Buck, have you had breakfast yet?" Bobby asks him curiously. Buck shakes his head, fiddling with the strap of his bag.

"Uh, no."

"Grab a plate and dig in." Bobby tells him. Bucks eyes move over the group before he specifically moves over to Bobby.

"Actually, I need to talk to you." Buck admits, peering over the balcony for a quick second. "Preferably before Vic gets here." He adds and a look of confusion forms on Bobby's face as he glances toward the others momentarily.

"Okay...?" Bobby trails off for a moment. "Do we need to go to my office?" He asks curiously. Buck felt his nerves spread through his body as he rocked back and forth on his feet.

"I-I don't know." He responds. "It's just um... I need you to bench her today. And maybe for like a few shifts." Buck tells him. Bobby was a bit surprised, raising an eyebrow.

"Any specific reason?" Bobby asks, wondering Buck was wanting Victoria to be benched.

"She's not focused." Buck denies. He didn't want to tell them if he didn't have to, but something made him think that he'd have to anyways. Bobby can't bench her for no reason.

"Okay, Buck, I can't exactly just take your word for it. If she shows signs that she needs to be--"

"Bobby, she's not okay. She'll just fake like she is." Buck tells him and Bobby was even more confused now.

"Why wouldn't she be okay?" Eddie pipes up from the other side of Bobby, a small frown on his face.

"Buck, what's going on?" Hen asks as she sits up in her chair a bit. Buck was hesitant, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as the others stared at him expectantly.

"Kelly showed up last night, he was pretty distraught and he..." Buck stops himself for a moment. "You guys remember Shay right?" He asks, his eyes flickering over them.

"Oh, I love her. She's hilarious." Hen says, still a bit skeptical as Buck didn't seem to be happy in the slightest.

"Yeah, hen has her number, they text pretty frequently." Chimney adds. Bobby's eyes moved over Buck, seeing how tense he seemed and how he was fighting back sadness in his eyes.

"Buck?" Bobby asks, leaning forward a bit. Buck drops his eyes to the ground, taking a deep breath.

"She's dead." This shocked everyone. They could only stare back at Buck, none of them really knowing what to say. It was sudden and not at all what they were expecting. "It was a building explosion, she got a head injury and apparently coded in the ambulance." Buck explains to them.

"Oh, my god." Hen says, shaking her head as she couldn't begin to think of how Victoria was dealing with all of this. But given how Buck was scared of her showing up here, she was most likely trying to push her grief down.

"God, as if Vic's not been through enough." Chimney mutters as he shakes his head.

Eddie looks at something past Buck making the man turn around. It's then he sees Victoria jogging up the drive toward the station doors. Bobby clears his throat as he places his knife and fork down. "I'll talk to her." Bobby tells them, standing up from the table. He places his hand on Buck's shoulder for a moment before making his way toward the stairs. He watches as Victoria moved into the locker room and he followed her inside.

"Hey, vic." Bobby says, moving into the room as he places his hands in his pockets. Victoria turns her head, smiling back at the man.

"Hey, Cap." She responds. Bobby lightly smiled but he was more analyzing her, her body language, her behaviour, Buck was right, she was really masking it.

"Run today?" He asks, gesturing to her outfit. Victoria nods.

"Yeah, feels good to get back into it." Victoria admits. She hadnt been on many runs in the past few months and honestly, it was one way she knew of that really got her mind off of things.

"Was there a reason why it was today?" Bobby questions curiously. Victoria furrowed her eyebrows, finding it a bit odd a question but she shrugs her shoulders.

"Just decided to, I guess."

Bobby glances around, seeing the team was stood by the firetruck, obviously trying to be inconspicuous but were failing miserably. "Why don't you man the house today?" He suggests, trying to make a subtle suggestion but she clocked it immediately.

"What? Why? I just got back on truck." Victoria points out. She didn't want to be stuck doing nothing again.

"I know, but I need an extra set of hands to keep everything clean cause the chief's coming next week." Bobby lies right through his teeth. He just didn't want to throw Buck under the bus. It didn't seem to work though.

"No, he isn't. He has a scheduled visit once every three months and it was last month." Victoria retorts and Bobby internally groans. He didn't think she would remember that. She scoffs as she crosses her arms against her chest. "Buck told you, didn't he?" She asks him but she didnt even need an answer, she knew he had. "So much for it not being his place." Victoria grumbles as her eyes drift to the ground.

"He has the right to say anything that he think could be a danger to this job." Bobby tells her. Buck was just trying to protect everyone, he didn't mean it as any sort of malice and Victoria had to see that as well.

"I'm not a danger." Victoria snaps, glaring at the man in front of her. Bobby tilts his head a bit.

"I'm not saying you are. But you are unfocused." Bobby knew more than anyone that when you lose someone, your mind isn't all there, you're not on top of your game or even relatively close.

"How?" Just because Buck thought she was, didn't mean she couldn't do this job. Victoria didn't want to think of Shay, or anything else honestly, she just wanted to come here and go on calls and now she couldn't even do that.

"Please, don't fight me on this." Bobby pleads. He didn't want to get anyone involved from the union, he just wanted this to be between them.

"Why, cause you know you're wrong?" Victoria asks him. Her eyes move past him, seeing the group standing out on the apparatus floor. She clenches her jaw, settling her eyes on Buck.

"Vic." Bobby tries to stop her but it was too late, she was already making her way toward Buck.

"You tattled on me, really?" She accuses, annoyance in her tone as she glared at him. Buck opened his mouth to say something but Eddie beat him to it.

"He's just looking out for you." Eddie tells her and Victoria raises an eyebrow.

"Getting me benched is looking out for me?" Victoria retorts, biting her tongue as she rolled her eyes, moving her gaze to the floor.

"Vic, you're a part of my team and that means I make the decisions." Bobby states, staring down at her. "You are not fit for active duty right now, go home and --" She cuts him off, shaking her head firmly.

"I'm not going home." Victoria crosses her arms against her chest, standing her ground. Bobby let's out a small sigh.

"Vic--"

"No, you can't do this." She denies with a scoff.

"It's done." Bobby says, his voice more stern this time. He didn't want to push her out of the house, he just wanted her to take some time and really come to terms with her friend dying. Bobby didn't want someone getting hurt on his watch because of this.

Victoria could only stare back at him. She knew she couldn't exactly disobey his orders because there was no going on calls without him seeing. Her eyes move away from the man, noticing her sister walking toward the station. She groans lightly as she tilts her head back. "Did you call her too?" She asks, gesturing toward Rosie. They all glance over, Bobby furrowing his eyebrows.

"No?" Bobby answers her.

"Rosie, shouldn't you be at school?" Hen asks as Rosie stopped in front of the group. She seemed a bit stressed, her eyes a little puffy but Shay was also a prominent part of her life as well, it wasn't just hard on Victoria.

"I-I decided to take the day off, I thought Vic would too." Rosie admits, her eyes moving toward her sister who scoffs loudly.

"I don't need the day off." She denies, holding her hands up in defense. "Don't you have enough problems than parading around after me? Given your pregnant and all." Victoria states loudly and this causes Bobby, hen and Chimney to all snap their heads in Rosie's direction.

"She's pregnant?" Chimney asks.

"You're pregnant?" Hen says, more in a shocked way, her eyes widening as she couldn't believe it.

"Im not pregnant, why won't you believe me?" Rosie asks with an exasperated groan. Victoria had to laugh, this whole situation, her whole life right now was so comical.

"Oh, maybe because Buck found the test and last I checked, it's not me, so it's really simple math." Victoria points out. Buck was just staring at the ground, Eddie beside him as he subtly rubbed circles on Buck's back.

"It's Jennie." Rosie tells her and Victoria froze for a second. "She came to me the other day scared out of her mind because she missed her period and so we took a test." She starts, running a hand up her face. "She freaked out when it was positive so I told her she should get an abortion but you know, that's so expensive and we can't use her parents insurance because if they find out, they'll kill her. W-weve been trying to figure out how to pay for it. Jakes been coming around because he's trying to help." Victoria did understand now, why she was being secretive. Jennie's parents were not exactly accepting.

But that didn't mean Rosie couldn't have come to her about this. Victoria would've gladly helped in any way that she could have. "Vic, go home, be with your family, help--" Bobby starts to say but Victoria shakes her head.

"I'm not going home." She denies, her voice cracking this time as she stared back at the man. "Bobby, I can't." Victoria admits and Bobbys eyes softened. "I can't be--" She had to close her eyes, feeling her pain bubbling to the surface, trying to force its way out. "Put me on desk duty, make me clean the trucks o-or sit out on calls but please, don't send me home." Victoria begs the man, not wanting to be alone with her thoughts. She didn't want to think right now, she couldn't bare it.

"Okay." Bobby responds with a small nod. He would never force her to be away from this family, especially when she needed them the most now.

"Tell Jennie she can come here, we'll figure it out." Victoria says as she turned to her sister who looked hesitant.

"Vic--"

"Life didn't just end because my friend died, okay?" Victoria says, fighting back any tears as she made her way back into the locker room. Everyone else dispersed after that, not really in the mood to talk. But before Buck could get too far, Rosie was stopping him.

"Buck." She calls out and he turns to face her curiously. "I just wanted to apologize for what I said yesterday." Rosie admits, feeling awful for the things she said about him. But Buck didn't really blame her, he had just come into her life pretty quick and if she felt like he was moving things too fast, that is fully her right to not want him around.

"Rosie, it's fine--"

"No, it's not. I was rude and it was uncalled for. I was just really stressed out and frustrated and Victoria wouldn't stop so I just blurted it out." Rosie tells him, a small frown on her face. "I don't think your just a replacement and what i said about Vic not wanting you there.... I mean, she had doubts but that was literally just because of her, it's nothing you did." She explains as her eyes drop a bit.

Rosie truly liked Buck, she thought he was really good for Victoria. She just didn't want to see her sister hurt him because she had the tendency to self destruct and take everyone down with her. With the way she was doubting the relationship, Rosie didn't think that her telling Buck was necessarily bad, but she didn't do it in the best way. And she definitely shouldn't have said he didn't matter because he did. She looked up to him a lot, not that she would ever say it out loud.

"Thanks." Buck places his hand on Rosie's shoulder who lightly smiles at him. But he could see in her eyes that she was hurt. She had also lost Shay, and she was probably trying to hold her own pain inside because she had to be there for Victoria. But that didn't mean she wasn't allowed to feel as well.

Holding in your pain never got you anywhere, it just brings more misery into your life.

••••

EVERYONE WAS SAT AROUND THE TABLE, all of them taking from the plates in front of them. "Thanks for cooking, Thena." Hen says with a smile on her face as she looks toward the woman who sat next to Bobby. Athena had offered to come to the station and cook for them, mainly in order to see how Victoria was doing since Bobby wasn't exactly being helpful with his answers.

"Yeah, it's really good." Buck adds with a nod. Victoria was sat next to him, just pushing the food around her plate which he noticed. He didn't say anything though because she could just not be hungry.

"So, I heard there was bit of drama around here earlier. Something about a pregnancy?" Athena asks as she raises an eyebrow, looking more toward Rosie than anyone else.

"It's Jennie, not me." She corrects, not knowing if Athena had heard that from anyone or not.

"Thank God for that." Victoria mumbles making Rosie look toward her. "I love you, but I couldn't handle a mini you." She denies in a teasing tone and Rosie narrows her eyes.

"Wow, thanks." She responds but there was amusement in her voice as she smile lightly.

"Do we know who the father is?" Hen asks curiously, wondering if the boy even knew about it or even cared to help pay for the abortion. But given how most high school boys were nowadays, she would suggest no.

"He's an asshole who doesn't care. That's why she wants to get rid of it, that and she's not ready to have a kid let alone give birth." Rosie answers her and Athena nods her head with a scoff.

"Birth can be traumatic, especially for a kid." Athena points out. She didn't understand the point of forcing a child to carry another child, even if it was just for adoption. There was already enough children in the system and if a girl could be saved the complete agony of childbirth, Athena was all for that option.

"Hey." They hear from beside them. Glancing over, they notice Jennie lingering by the stares looking nervous. But she relaxed a bit with the warm smiles she was met with.

"Hey, Jennie. Come sit beside me." Victoria suggests and Jennie takes her up on the offer, making her way toward the table and sitting down.

"I know im stupid, you guys dont have to say it." Jennie admits, feeling the eyes on her. Athena sighs as she reaches over toward the girls hand.

"Honey, we aren't judging you. We've all been young and clueless." Athena points out. It wasn't the first time someone got in over their heads and got pregnant.

"I just thought he liked me." Jennie admits, her voice cracking a bit. Victoria seriously wanted to punch the boy who did this to her.

"Yeah, well that's boys for you. And they never grow up." Victoria mutters. The men at the table all just stare at her, a bit offended. "You all know it's true." She adds, raising an eyebrow and even they couldn't attest to that.

"I-I tried to be safe I swear." Jennie states and Hen shakes her head.

"You don't have to apologize for anything, you're taking responsibility and that's all that matters." She admits and Jennie was grateful for the support they were showing her.

"How much does an abortion cost?" Athena asks curiously.

"Anywhere from 600 to 900 dollars depending how far along she is." Rosie answers and Victoria shakes her head. It was so stupid how things like that and birth control were so expensive even though sometimes it was a necessity.

"Jake has been working double shifts to help me but i-I don't want to take his money." Jennie explains to them.

"Jennie, you know he just wants to help." Rosie responds with a small frown. Jake instantly started to save money for them when he had learned what happened. And Rosie was pretty certain that he'd punch the guy once he saw him but that was a different story.

"This is my problem to fix."

"You're not alone in this, sweetheart, okay? You don't need to worry about anything but keeping yourself healthy." Athena assures her. "I'll cover it." She says and Jennie's eyes widen slightly.

"I can't ask you to do that." Jennie denies, shaking her head but Athena offers her a kind smile.

"Well, it's a good thing you're not asking." Athena retorts and Jennie seemed to want to complain until she saw the look Athena was giving her. "Now, grab yourself a plate, the foods getting cold." She points out and Jennie grabs a plate from in front of her.

Her eyes go to Victoria who still hadn't taken a bite of her own food. Rosie had told her what happened to Shay and Jennie hated how both of them had gone through so much at such young ages. Jennie thought she had it hard but even though her parents sucked at times, they were still around and she hadnt truly lost anyone in her life.

"I'm so sorry about Shay, Vic." She apologizes softly and Victoria moves her gaze over to the young girl.

"Thanks, Jen." Victoria responds, her eyes going back to her plate. She knew Jennie was just trying to be nice and say her condolences but Victoria didn't want to hear it right now. Especially constantly. It seemed all day that's all she's been hearing and she hated it. Especially since it was only because they felt like they had to say it.

Which was one reason why she was even dreading the funeral. She knew half the people who went would barely even know Shay and would be faking. Victoria hated it. She hated the world,

And she hated that Shay was gone.

••••

BUCK WAS CLEANING ONE OF THE TRUCKS WITH EDDIE WHILE HEN AND VICTORIA WERE ON THE OTHER. He kept glancing over in Victoria's direction, wanting to go over to her but he didn't know if it was a good idea or not. He lets out a sigh before nudging Eddies arm. The man looks over at him curiously. "Do you think she's mad?" Buck asks and Eddie looks a bit confused as he furrows his eyebrows.

"What?" Eddie questions, having not fully heard Buck since he had one headphone in. He takes it out as Buck only gestures toward Victoria.

"That I told you guys?" Buck elaborated. Eddie let's out a sigh, realizing Buck was talking about if Victoria was mad at him for mentioning Shay's death.

"No, man. She's just grieving right now." He responds as he drops his arm from the truck. "Sure, she may be a bit annoyed but she knows it was just to protect her." Eddie admits with a small shrug. Victoria will understand once she was back in a stable mindset that Buck only told them because he was afraid it would be a risk to the job.

"Right." Buck mutters, his eyes dropping momentarily. Eddie tilts his head, lifting his free hand to Buck's shoulder.

"I'm telling you, Buck. You did the right thing." Eddie assures him, squeezing his shoulder a little bit. Buck wanted to be comforted by his gesture but it wasn't really helping in that moment.

"I just don't know what to do." Buck tells him, a small frown forming. "I've never.... you know..." He trails off, fiddling with his fingers.

"Lost anyone?" Eddie finishes for him and Buck slowly nods his head. "It's hard to know what someone's going through if you haven't gone through it yourself." He states. It's not like you couldn't help the person get through it, it's just connecting was a bit harder than it would be with someone who's also lost someone. "But the one thing you can really only do is just be there for them. Even when they don't want you to be. Just show her you're here whenever she's ready." Eddie explains to him.

Buck was glad that Eddie was there for him and was giving him good advice, he honestly didn't know where he'd be without it. He grabs eddies hand from his shoulder, squeezing it before letting it go. He takes a deep breath as he moves over to where Victoria was. Eddie watches for a moment before going back to what he was doing.

"Vic?" Buck asks from behind her. Victoria was focused but turned her gaze to him a bit.

"Yeah?" She responds. He moves closer to her so that he was now able to gaze down at the woman.

"I love you, you know that, right?" Buck tells her and Victoria was silent for a minute. She drops the rag she was holding, tilting her head a bit.

"Of course I do." Victoria assures him. She frowns as she felt her heart twist a little bit. "Look, what happened last night--" She starts to say but he shakes his head, cutting her off before she could finish.

"Just forget it, okay? It's all good." Buck admits but Victoria didn't want to just leave it like that. Especially with Buck probably feeling uncertain where he stood in her life. She may be going through something but that didn't mean she wanted to push him away.

"I don't want you to move out." Victoria denies and Buck looked confused for a moment but also relieved.

"You don't?"

"No. Stay with me permanently." She states, grabbing his hand and giving a warm smile. "If you can handle a teenager telling you to stop snoring every night." Victoria teases and Buck chuckles, stepping closer to her.

"Yeah, yeah. I'd like that." Buck realized that he hadn't specified that he'd like to move in with her officially and not about the snoring but it seemed Victoria understood nonetheless.

"I love you too." Victoria says, gazing up at him. Buck smiles brightly, taking a step closer to her, only to knock the bucket that was beside them over, spilling the soapy water onto the floor.

"Shit." He mutters as they step away from it.

"Buck, how many times have I told you to watch it around the mop bucket?" Bobby asks from the balcony, seemingly annoyed as he had his hands on his hips. Victoria presses her lips together tightly as she sees the redness spread on Buck's cheeks.

"Sorry, Cap." He apologizes. "I'll clean it up." Buck assures him, grabbing a hold of Victoria's hand to lead her away from the puddle as Chimney makes his way around from the other side.

"Buck's slacking off? What's --"  Chimneys sentence was cut short as he completely wiped out from the soapy water, his legs lifting out from underneath him as he landed on his back harshly. Victoria gasps as she covers her mouth.

"Oh, my god. Chimney, are you okay?" Bobby asks, seemingly the only one with concern as the others just ended up bursting out into laughter. Hen was almost kneeled over as she clutched her stomach.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Chimney grumbles, sitting up slowly as his eyes move around the group who were still laughing obnoxiously. "Wow, glad to be of everyone's amusement." He says as he stands up. Victoria was holding onto Buck's arm as she wheezed.

"God, I wish I would've recorded that." Buck admits as he shakes his head, his laugh the loudest apart from Hen. Chimney narrows his eyes as he steps closer to the man.

"Laugh it up, Buckley." He mutters, pointing his finger in Buck's direction. "Karma will get you." Chimney warns him but Buck only smirks back.

"Whatever you say, Chim." Buck responds as he shrugs his shoulders.

"Seriously, you can all stop laughing now." Chimney groans out before his eyes move to Victoria. He was going to make a comment about how he got her to laugh, until he realized that her laughter had turned into crying as she covered her face with her hands. "Vic?" He asks, a frown now on his face, not caring about the others anymore.

Everyone turns their attention to the girl, their laughing ceasing as they notice her not being able to hold back her tears anymore. "Hey, it's okay." Buck says, placing his hand on her arm but she shakes her head.

"It's not fair." Victoria cries, sniffling as she felt the tears screaming down her face. "It's not." Her voice was barely audible as she just stood in the middle of the apparatus floor, multiple eyes on her as she broke down.

"I know it's not." Chimney responds as he steps closer to her, opening his arms to her to which she immediately went into. He wraps his arms around her, holding her close. "I know." He was probably the only one in the station right now who understood what it was like to lose somebody close to you in the line of duty.  And although most of the others had lost someone, it wasn't really the same.

Everyone moves toward them, all of them just hovering around the pair before it became a group hug, just holding onto Victoria as she cried. No one said a word because there was nothing to say, all they could really do was be there for her in that moment and show her that she still had a lot of people surrounding her that loved her. And that she would be okay.

If only she believed that herself.

••••

VICTORIA WAS GLAD ATHENA WAS AT THE STATION, otherwise she would be alone while the others were out on a call. She hoped Bobby at least let her go with them next time but she couldn't push her luck, she knew it was good enough just being able to stay on shift. But she could tell Athena was trying to cheer her up while also comforting her and it didn't seem to be working the way she wanted it to. "Do you know when the funeral is?" Athena asks curiously. Victoria moves her eyes over to the woman before shrugging her shoulders.

"Soon, I guess." A funeral typically took place one to two weeks after a death and Shay died around three days ago. Victoria assumed it would be soon, but her parents also had to fly to Chicago and figure out all the arrangements first.

"Are you gonna go back?" She questions, knowing Victoria had a hard time going to Chicago as it was.

"I missed it again, thena." Victoria says, her voice cracking slightly and Athena leans over to grab her hand.  "First Darden and now Shay? And I couldn't stop either." Victoria denies, shaking her head a bit.

"It's not in your hands, sweetheart. I wish it could be but it isn't." Athena tells her. Victoria couldnt blame herself. Even if she was there, it was a low chance that she would've changed either outcome.  "I'm sure your friends will want you there." She points out and Victoria just stares down at her hands.

"Yeah, well, I said I'd go back and then she died so." Victoria snaps back a bit. Athena sighs, not wanting to push it as she was already grieving and didn't need anything more put on her.

"Is Kelly doing okay?" Athena asks, having heard that the man wasn't doing the greatest when he had first shown up.

"Haven't spoken to him." Victoria admits as she sits back in the chair.

"You need a support system, Vic. People who understand your pain." Athena tells her. None of them truly knew Shay that well. Kelly and her other friends from Chicago would definitely help her through it the best if she would let them.

"Kelly does not want to see me." She denies and Athena furrows her eyebrows, a bit confused.

"Why do you think that?" Athena questions. She would think the exact opposite. Anytime Kelly has been in Los Angeles, he's always checked up on Victoria or made sure she was okay.

"I'm fine." Victoria says, just wanting this conversation to be over with. She would rather be alone if she was being honest.

"You broke down crying because you're fine?" Athena retorts, raising an eyebrow, not believing her in the slightest.

"Yeah, maybe I did." She states harshly, narrowing her eyes. "If I wanted therapy I'd go to an actual therapist so can you stop?" Victoria demands and luckily athenas phone rang before she could respond. Athena sighs as she just picks it up, answering it.

"Bobby?" She says into the phone and Victoria could see Athena look a bit startled. "What's wrong?" Athena asks and Victoria leans forward in her chair, watching as Athena's face drops. "I'll be right there." She states before hanging up and standing from the chair.

"What happened?" Victoria asks with a small frown on her face. Her heart raced thinning maybe something had happened to Buck.

"Hen hit a car in the intersection." Athena answers her and Victoria's eyes went wide.

"I'm coming too." She says, standing up from the chair. Athena shakes her head.

"You should stay--"

"She's my friend and I'm coming, Athena." Victoria states. She would be damned if she was gonna stay in the station while Hen is out there, probably losing her mind. Athena hesitates but nods, both of them rushing out of the station.

The whole ride to the scene was quiet, both of them just wondering what the hell had happened. Hen was always careful when driving the ambulance, it was crazy to believe this could have happened. Victoria had no doubt that Hen was fully innocent, she was just wondering what happened to the car she had hit.

When they arrived, they saw the team working near the car which was smashed up. Hen was by the ambulance, her face full of tears as she just watched the scene. Athena and Victoria quickly rush over to her. Bobby didn't have time to say anything about Victoria also being their. "Hen, hen." Athena says, placing her hands on the womans arms to gain her attention.

"W-what are you doing here?" Hen asks them both as her eyes flicker between her friends.

"Bobby called me, okay? How you doing? Are you gonna be okay?" Athena asks, her voice full of concern. Victoria takes one of Hen's hands, feeling the woman shaking.

"I-I don't know. The light..." Hen starts to try to explain. "is Evelyn okay?" She asks and Victoria glances toward the car. There was a lot of blood that was for sure.

"They're working on her now." Athena assures her.

"I -I slowed down. I thought I had the g-green but then I saw her. And I know-- I couldn't--"

"Listen, shh. You need to stop talking." Athena states as she shares a glance with Victoria. They both knew Hen couldn't say anything incriminating, not that could be used against her.

"But I did this!" Hen says, still in shock as she gestures toward the car. Victoria quickly grabs Hen, pulling her away with Athena.

"Shh."

"Athena, I hit her!"

"Hen, I love you, I love you but you need to shut up. Okay?" Athena pleads, making sure the woman was listening before she continued talking. "Listen to me, there's going to be an investigating and it starts now. Okay, LAFD, LAPD, they're gonna roll up on the scene with a lot of questions. Now listen to me. You need to think carefully about what you're going to say." She explains to the woman who looked a bit confused.

"But-- but I want to tell them the truth." Hen admits and Athena nods her head slowly.

"Yes. But you only tell them what you know. Not what you think, not what you feel. Answer their questions, but stick to the facts. You think you can do that?" Athena asks but hen's eyes move back to the victim, seeing the others move away from her. "Henrietta?" She says but Hen breaks down, balling her eyes out as it was clear that Evelyn had passed.

She completely collapses into Victoria who makes sure to catch her before they both hit the ground. "We've got you, Hen." Victoria assures her as she holds the crying woman close to her. "We're right here." She mutters, closing her eyes, rubbing her hands up and down Hens back. Her eyes move over to the group again who were all standing near the victim full of sorrow.

Buck meets her gaze but she just looks away, shaking her head as she focuses on Hen. Because that was all that mattered right now.

••••

VICTORIA WAS SAT IN HER CAR, staring out the window into the night with her phone in her hand. She was downtown, just parked off to the side of the road as her eyes watched people walking down the street. She heard another buzz from her phone which made her sigh. She had left Hen at home with Karen, and was supposed go go straight to her apartment but she didn't. She didn't know if she could be around Buck right now.

Not because of anything he did, she just wanted to be alone. Even though being alone with her thoughts was not the best idea right now. Her eyes move down to her phone as she turns her on, her eyes running over the multiple messages she had recieved.

Hey, just wanted to make sure you're doing okay. Is Kelly still in LA? He's not answering anyone and we're all really worried. Please respond.  -Gabby

If you need someone to talk to, you can always reach out to me -Casey

You may not be apart of our house anymore but you will always be family. Don't think you can't reach out to us - Boden

But the last one caught her attention the most as she hovered her finger over it.

Can we talk? - Kelly

Victoria didn't mean to completely ignore the man. She just didn't know if she could see him right now. Kelly and Shay were the closest, it was just the truth. And Victoria felt like she didn't have enough pain to grieve like he was. Kelly loved Shay so much and Victoria didnt see how she could help him when he was probably falling apart. She could barely hold herself together.

So, she just turns her phone off as she opens the car door, stepping out of it. Ending up here was not what she thought would happen today, but here she was. Was it the smartest decision? Probably not. But Victoria wasn't exactly thinking straight.

She made her way over to the alley where a man was leant against the building. He seemed to notice her going and started to become a bit on edge. Victoria stops a bit away from him, awkwardly fiddling with her jacket. "Um, I heard you're selling?" She asks. Yep, stupidest decision she had ever made.

"And who told you that?" The man seemed to be a bit suspicious of her, looking over her before glancing behind her as well. Victoria lets out a long sigh, not really in the mood to be going back and forth.

"I'm not a narc, man. I just need something to, I don't know, just make the pain go away." Victoria tells him and the man leans against the side of the building, his head tilting.

"So, what? Oxy, vicodin?" He asks curiously and Victoria honestly didn't know what she was looking for. "Or did you want the more full effect with some H?" Victoria just brings her hand up to her face, rubbing it lightly.

"Just any pill really." She states and he nods his head, gesturing toward one of the guys behind him.

"Sure thing hot stuff." He responds before discreetly making a hand off. When he turns back to her, she was just shoving her hands into her pockets.

"How much?" Victoria asks him.

"Well, I could give you a discount." The man suggests, his eyes running over her slowly. Victoria knew what he meant by that and she tried not to show her disgust.

"I have a boyfriend." She simply responds and the man chuckles, but the smirk was still lingering on his face

"Shame. He doesn't really have to know though." The man admits with a wink and Victoria just sighs as she crosses her arms against her chest.

"Can you just tell me how much I owe you?" She asks, her voice a bit harsh but mainly cause she was impatient. The man holds his hands up in defense, chuckling lightly.

"Full bottle is 100, half is 75." He tells her and Victoria just stares at him, narrowing her eyes slightly.

"That makes no sense." Victoria denies but honestly, he was a drug dealer, math wasn't exactly his strong suit.

"Do you want it or not?" The man asks, raising an eyebrow and Victoria bites her bottom lip.

"Give me the full." She knew she shouldn't. She knew this was wrong. She had known people with addictions and it was always so horrible to get out of. But this isn't what that was, right? This was just for one singular time, just to get her mind off of everything.

So, when she took the bottle from him, giving him the money, she didn't feel guilty. Because in her mind, this was just a way to ease her pain. "If you need a refill, you know where to find me. May give you ten dollars off next time for being so sexy." The man smirks before walking back down the alley.

Victoria glances around as she makes her way back toward her car. Quickly getting in, she locks the doors and her eyes just stare at the pill bottle in her hand.  Her eyes close momentarily as she rests her head back against the seat. She could actually feel her heart being torn from her chest anytime she thought about Shay and she hated it.

She hated her. Victoria knew it wasn't healthy, it wasn't reasonable, but she hated Leslie Shay. They promised each other they would always be here, that they would never leave each other and whenever they needed each other, they would come running. And Victoria didnt feel like she did that. At least for the past few years. It had been one sided, Shay had always been there for her and yet Victoria never took that plane ride to go see her, to go see any of them.

And that was on her. The guilt she felt about it was eating her up inside and she could barely breathe most of the time. She felt like she was having a constant panic attack that just wouldn't subside. And with everyone coddling her and smothering her, it was only making things worse. And she needed to calm it. She needed to calm the pain, the anxiety, the panic, the guilt, all of it. She needed it to go away.

She needed to make it go away.

So, as she opens her eyes, she just opens the pill bottle, taking two of the small pills out and putting them in her mouth. Victoria grabs the water bottle from beside her, drinking from it in order to wash them down.

A mistake she would come to regret sooner rather than later.

••••

Authors note;

Oh my god the finale is soooooooon, I don't want it to be a cliffhanger honestly. Also, Buck has been a bit too happy this season so I'm scared. And Bobby better not die. Also is Chris gonna be taken away ???????? Or did he maybe call them and ask to go to Texas? Omg imagine. But it looks like so much Buck and Eddie and I'm like happy but low-key terrified. Also do Chimney and Maddie maybe foster mara ?????

Anywho....

I have a few changes that I just want opinions on. It's mainly for later seasons but, I was just debating on having tk and Carlos move to LA around like season 6 to become more main characters in my book once they're introduced. And I also want to feature the Chicago friends more often too, more specifically Gabby, Kelly and Casey. Just wondering if yall have any certain ways I should do that. I have a two Chicago crossovers this season coming up but, just curious.

Let me know your thoughts about this and the book in general :)

Also didn't even realize next chapter is chapter 40 like omg.... this book is definitely gonna have over 100 chapters unless I split it which I'm probably not gonna do