LUNA'S phone was blowing up. It was Melody. Of course it was. Since the two had last seen one another, Melody hadn't left Luna alone

Mel:
Girllll
That man was fineeee
Tell me yall have done it?? Huh??
Hello?!?!
I know you're reading this!!
You have receipts on!!
Girl, stop ignoring meee
Spill????
Girl??
Lulu??
Omfgggg

And that just went on and on and on until Luna texted 'ttyl' back which made Melody relax

"Hey, you guys see the dude I brought in today- the drug dealer? 81 years old. I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career" Jake said

"I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing. I was terrified he'd die in my backseat.. or flash me" Amy said

"My oldest collar was 84 years old. He was urinating on cars" Luna said

"92 is the oldest for me, he lit his neighbor's house on fire" Dylan said

"Oh, wow" Jake said

"My oldest collar was 78, but the PCP made her fight like she was 20" Rosa said

"What about two 50-year-old twins? Does that count as a 100-year-old?" Scully asked

"No" Everyone responded

"You talking oldest bags? 68" Charles said as he approached, setting down his bags

"That's not that old" Amy said

"Yeah, but I was only 20" Charles said making Luna freeze before she cringed

"20? Were you even a cop then?" Jake asked

"No, man, it was before I got into the academy" Charles said

"That's fucking nasty.." Dylan said as he sighed

"You've gotta be kidding.." Luna said

"Are we not- I mean, obviously my oldest arrest was 68, like I said" Charles said

"God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?" Jake asked

"You know how it is" Charles said crossing his arms, embarrassed. "When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-"

"No, that is not an older woman. That's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!" Jake declared

"She was, actually. That's how I met her" Charles said

"That is so weird.. Charles!" Luna exclaimed as she covered in face in disgust

"Look, I went to college with her grandson, Marvin. Don't- Don't knock it till you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a transformer" Charles said

"That is no one's fantasy, dude" Dylan said at the exact same time as Jake. It reminded Luna that they were once more related. Cousin telepathy

˖ ݁𖥔.☁︎.𖥔 ݁ ˖

IT was the morning briefing and Luna was sitting besides Dylan, as she always did these days

"Peralta.. where are we on the Lincoln place murder?" Terry asked

"Well, like I told Captain Holt earlier this week, we are at the one-yard mine. It's a football reference" Jake said

"Yes, Jake. I played linebacker at Syracuse" Terry said

"Really? In high school, I played center field in the musical Damn Yankees" Charles said

"Dork" Luna muttered

"Yeah, you don't want to brag about that" Jake said

"Peralta, you want to loop everyone in?" Holt asked. Jake began shaking his head

"Ehh.." Jake said

"That was not a request" Holt said

"Fine" Jake said as he groaned and got up from his seat. He approached the front. "Get ready for some stuff on a screen. Meet Fred Gorman- prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse. Now meet his wife, Anne Hoert. She did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life"

"Nice" Charles said

"Thank you, Charles. Now, Hoert had means, motives, and opportunity. I just need to find the murder weapon. For some reason, the D.A. won't move forward with the arrest until we find the knife she used" Jake said

"Typically that's how these things work, Jake" Luna said

"Find the murder weapon. The family's close to the mayor, and I'm catching heat from the higher-ups. I'm gonna ask you again. Do you need any resources or personnel?" Holt asked

"No, sir, I've got it" Jake said

"Okay. Dismissed!" Holt said. Everyone left the meeting room and approached Jake's desk. It was clear he needed help

"Alright, buddy. What do you want us to do?" Dylan asked

"Nothing. I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor, and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film" Jake said with a grin making Luna roll her eyes

"Come on, Peralta, Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved" Rosa said

"I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone.. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex" Jake said

"I'm this close to bitch slapping you. Quit being a cunt and let us help" Luna said

"Okay, fine. I will let one of you help me- Charles" Jake said

"Yeah!" Charles cheered

"And I'm choosing Charles because he's the least likely to steal my thunder" Jake said

"I would never steal his thunder. I-I'd be afraid to borrow it" Charles chuckled

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

"YOU know, I'm this close to blocking you" Luna said to Melody who was sitting right across from her. They were currently at a coffee shop. Luna was on her lunch break and thought she might as well get Melody to stop pestering her about her partner

"You could never block me.. we're for lifers" Melody said with a wink making Luna smile. "But seriously, spill the tea"

"What tea? There is none. Literally none. That man is related to Jake Peralta" Luna said. Melody's jaw dropped

"No fucking way.. that fine man.. is related to the overgrown toddler?" Melody asked in shock. Luna nodded. "How is that even possible?"

"I'd love to know.. I mean, like.. how is it- ugh.. why does he have to be so fine?" Luna whined

"Honestly.. I'd still hit though" Melody said

"We are talking like men.. are we objectifying men?" Luna asked

"Always. Let's see how they like it" Melody grinned evily

"Two wrongs don't make a right" Luna said

"Don't moral high ground me, bitch. You're just as bad as me. If I brought up Jesse Katsopolis-" Melody was cut off

"It's Jesse fucking Katsopolis! The things I would let him do- oh my lord" Luna whined just as the door opened at the coffee shop. Melody's eyes lit up as she stared at the person who walked in. Luna stared at the woman who was no longer paying attention to what she was saying. She then followed Melody's eyeline, which revealed the man of the hour, Dylan. He happened to look over and noticed the two women staring. He gave them a small smile along with an awkward wave before he began approaching

"I didn't expect to see you here, Luna, let alone the Erase-" Dylan was cut off by Melody

"Let's keep that under wraps, shall we? Don't like airing out my dirty laundry" Melody said with a fake smile making Dylan hold up his hands in surrender

"Sorry" He replied. Luna stared at him

"What are you doing here?" She asked

"Getting coffee..?" Dylan asked confused

"You come here out of all the places in Brooklyn to get coffee?" Luna asked with squinted eyes

"Um.. yes.. am I not supposed to..?" Dylan asked giving her a weird look

"No, because this is my coffee shop" Luna said which made Dylan scoff

"I don't see your name on the door.. plus this is my favorite coffee shop. I've been coming here for years" Dylan said

"Oh, yeah? How come I've never seen you?" Luna asked

"Because I didn't come here for lunch, when I worked at my precinct.. why do I feel like I'm being interrogated?" Dylan asked

"Because you are" Melody spoke up as Luna kept glaring at Dylan

"Well.. I'm gonna go get my coffee now.. if that's okay with you" Dylan said

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

LUNA was at her desk doing her work as usual when she looked up and saw the only person who was worse than Jake Peralta, the Vulture, sitting at Jake's desk. Just in time, as Jake and Charles were returning from their little case

"Oh! Hello, Peralta" Pembroke spoke making Jake groan. Perhaps Jake, should've asked for help so the case could've been solved quicker

"No, no, no" Jake grumbled

"I don't know why, you're so upset, man. I'm the one who had to come to this backwater stink hole. What's up, little man?" Pembroke asked Charles. Dylan watched curiously as this was his first time experiencing this

"What's up?" Charles asked

"Feeling sexy? Huh?" Pembroke asked making Luna roll her eyes

"Yeah, I feel sexy" Charles replied

"Yeah, you look sexy, man" Pembroke said

"You know I do" Charles said before almost running into a door

"Watch out for that door" Pembroke said before Charles closed the door. Pembroke then turned to Terry. "Yo, how much you bench, seriously?"

"Who the hell is that guy?" Dylan whispered to Luna

"The Vulture. He snatches almost solved cases and takes the credit" Luna replied softly. A couple minutes later, Jake was packing up all his files on the case for Pembroke

"You know, before I solve this case, I'd like to thank you for doing all the super-easy work, you know, the real Nancy Drew-level stuff" Pembroke told Jake

"Oh, yeah? Did Nancy Drew solve a lot of murders?" Jake asked

"Yeah, she did- Murder on Ice. Recipe for Murder. Nancy was a wonderful detective. I wanted to be her when I grew up" Charles spoke up

"Of course you did" Luna said

"Hey! Should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case?" Pembroke asked

"Nope" Jake replied quickly

"I mean, what was it with Diaz and Palmer's last 'impossible' extortion case? What was it, six hours?" Pembroke asked. Luna wanted to throw a computer at the man

"That's because it was 98% solved" Rosa said

"The last 2% is the hardest to get. That's why they leave it in the milk" Pembroke said

"What?" Jake asked confused. Pembroke noticed Amy and went all goo-goo eyes

"Oh! Wow! Looking good, Santiago. You foxy ma" Pembroke said. Amy turned and smiled at him

"Go rot in hell. This is your fault" Amy said that last part to Jake. Pembroke then turned to look at Luna and sent her a wink

"Have I told you how hot you look today? Because you are hot" Pembroke stated making Luna send a harsh glare. Dylan felt disgusted at the public catcalling in a police station

"I suggest you grab your case files and get the hell out.. It'd be a shame if your superiors found out about you sexually harassing the female employees" Dylan said with a hard glare. Pembroke stiffened before he turned to Dylan with a glare

"Are you threatening me..?" Pembroke scoffed as he approached Dylan. Dylan stood up from his chair, staring Pembroke right in the eyes

"No, just some friendly advice from one detective to another" Dylan said with a smile as he rested his palm on Pembroke's shoulder

"You've picked a fight with the wrong guy" Pembroke spat

"Try me" Dylan said. Pembroke shoved Dylan's hand off before grabbing the case files and leaving. Luna flipped off Pembroke's back

"You are so screwed. I mean, like we're in shit together. He stole my case, and you threatened him.. wow" Jake said

⏝꒷︶ ͡𑁬♱໒ ͡ ︶꒷⏝

THE squad was currently at a bar. Luna was drinking some good 'ol vodka while Jake groaned and moaned about the Vulture

"I hate the Vulture so much!" Jake groaned

"Me too. But he's kinda hot" Rosa said making Luna's eyes widen

"Where?" Luna asked as she and everyone else stared at Rosa like she had two heads

"What? You can hate people and still think they're hot. Luna is the same with Dylan" Rosa declared. Luna face palmed while Dylan stared at the brown eyed woman

"You think I'm hot?" Dylan asked with a wide smile

"I think I need another glass" Luna said

"You know, what? I actually hate Tonya Harding but she's so hot" Jake said

"Yeah, she's thick" Rosa said

"Right?" Jake asked with a goofy smile

"Always classy, Jake" Amy said which Jake just nodded at

"Sorry you got vultured, atleast he won't be grabbing another case for a while. We all know he's gunning for Dylan now" Rosa chuckled as she downed her shot

"Happy to take one for the team" Dylan said as he took a sip of his beer

"God, I just- I want to get back at him so bad! I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his tires- I don't know" Jake said

"If you slash his tires, only slash three. We could put sugar in his gas tank" Luna grinned

"What if we slash his gorgeous throat?" Rosa asked

"I cannot figure you out" Charles said

"Okay, I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan. Best idea gets 50 bucks" Jake said

"I'll take another beer" Dylan told the bartender

"What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead? Like, they died of cancer" Charles said

"Charles, that is so dark. I'm putting it down" Jake said

"We should call and pretend that one of us is his child who he has no idea about, who he's also slept with. He'll be in therapy for months. I know he picks up prostitutes at night.. and I've got their names.." Luna sang

"That's even worse than Charles, idea.. I mean.. what the fuck is wrong with you..? I love it!" Jake cheered as he wrote that down

"What if we put glitter in the vents of his car?" Dylan asked

"Writing that down, but it's kind of weak" Jake said

"Thanks cuz" Dylan said rolling his eyes before taking a sip of his beer. A bunch of more ideas went down and Luna stopped listening halfway in, already buzzed

"What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair dryer? Little trick I learned in gift basket making class" Charles said

"Of course you've taken that class" Luna said

"All right. Let's see what we have. Steal his kidney, burn down his house, replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues. Thank you, Charles" Jake said

"You're welcome" Charles said proudly

"Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet. Note: He would have to own a cedar closet" Jake said

"He seems like he would" Rosa said as Luna downed a shot of vodka

"Sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave. Thank you, Charles. Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down. Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, Charles' motorcycle idea is the winner" Jake said

"Yeah! Winning by default" Charles cheered

"Let's get into it. Anybody know where the vulture lives?" Jake asked

"On third, right near here" Rosa said

"How do you know that?" Charles asked. Rosa just smiled

"Chug 'em, boys. We're rolling!" Jake declared. Luna got up and left with the group. They showed up at Pembroke's residence and Luna couldn't stop laughing. She was a happy drunk

"H-He said.. wrap.." Luna laughed over literally nothing as Jake and Charles began wrapping the motorcycle

"It's.. not that funny, Luna.." Amy said which only made Luna laugh harder

"See, this is why I told you we shouldn't let her drink.. she gets so.. laughy.." Rosa mumbled. Luna grabbed onto Amy as she laughed

"Wow.. how many glasses did she have..?" Dylan asked

"I stopped counting after 4" Rosa said as Jake and Charles finished wrapping up the motorcycle

"Take that, Vulture!" Charles cheered making Luna cackle

"Stupid.. vulture.. goofy.. ass.." Luna laughed

"All right, give me your hair dryer" Jake said to the ladies

"You think.. we carry hair dryers?" Luna asked as she laughed and pointed

"Yes.." Jake said

"Have you ever met a human woman?" Amy asked

"There's a drugstore four blocks away- I'm on it" Scully said

"Oh, no. Scully traveling four blocks? That could take weeks" Jake said. He then dialed Gina

"Gina's authentic stolen police badges. How can I help?" Gina asked

"Hey, it's Peralta" Jake said

"Oh, hey, Jake" Gina said

"Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?" Jake asked

"Of course. I'm not an animal" Gina replied. Jake gave the women a 'haha' look

"Great. I need you to bring it to the vulture's apartment" Jake said

"There's someone named 'The Vulture'? Tell Rosa. She'd be into that" Gina said making Charles groan

"Come on" Charles said

"Peralta, why are you asking Gina about Detective Pembroke?" Holt's voice was heard making Luna bust out laughing once more. Jake was trying to get her to shut up so he put his hand over her mouth

"Oh, Captain, hello. Uh, we are preparing him a gift basket of sorts" Jake said right before Luna licked his hand causing him to cringe and let go

"Look, I understand that you're upset. But if you want to keep this from happening again, I suggest that you pull your team together and solve these cases before major crimes can step in. Am I clear?" Holt asked

"Yes, sir. That is definitely clear. Thank you, sir" Jake said before hanging up the phone with a smile

"Why are you smiling?" Dylan asked

"Because the Captain just gave us the perfect revenge plan. We team up and solve this case right now!" Jake said

"Hell yeah!" Luna cheered

"No, that is not what he meant" Amy said

"Think about it, Amy. We go back to the scene of the crime, find the murder weapon, and out-vulture the Vulture! No one gets in trouble if we crack the case" Jake said

"Okay, screw it. I'm in" Amy said

"Yes! That's right! All right. We're angry. We're getting revenge. We're a little bit tipsy, except Lulu.. she's a little more than tipsy. We should not be driving. We're taking the bus" Jake said

"I love the bus!" Charles cheered. Luna walked alongside Amy as she interlaced their arms

"You know, I had my first kiss on a bus" Luna said

"On a a public bus.. like via..? You were an adult?" Jake laughed as he pointed. Luna glared

"No, I was in 4th grade.. I was a baddie even as a child. We were on the bus and we kissed" Luna laughed as the group made it to the bus stop, and was now waiting for the bus to arrive

"Hey, Lulu, I dare you to kiss the bus driver" Jake said

"20 bucks?" Luna asked. Jake pulled out a 20

"Deal" He said. The bus pulled up a couple minutes later and Luna was the first to get on. The bus driver was an older man

"Hey, can I kiss you, I'll get 20 bucks if I do" Luna said. The older man gave her a weird look

"Happily married. No thanks" The man said

"Well, there goes my twenty bucks" Luna said before finding a seat

"Twenty bucks if you kiss Charles" Jake said. Luna looked at Charles as he sat down

"Okay, fine.. but don't fall in love with me" Charles said. Luna deadpanned

"Not a problem" She said before she leaned over and kissed Charles. Charles kissed back briefly before they broke apart. People were cheering, shocked that Luna did it. "Where's my money, bitch?"

"For the lady" Jake said before handing her 20 bucks. She laughed in victory as she pocketed that shit. Everyone was laughing and having a good time except for one person, which was Dylan. Though he wasn't totally sure why. The bus had begun moving and Luna noticed Dylan's attitude. She switched seats and sat beside him

"What's wrong with you, party pooper?" Luna asked. Dylan looked at her before smiling softly

"I just.. I don't feel well" Dylan said

"Can't hold your liquor huh?" Luna giggled

"I hold my liquor just fine. I'm the one who's drunk" Dylan said

"I'm not drunk, I'm lightly buzzed" Luna laughed

✦⋆𓆩✧𓆪⋆✦

THE squad was at the victim's apartment ready to solve it despite not being sober

"All right, here's how it went down. 9:45, a man screams. 90 seconde later, wife goes down to the doorman, says a guy murdered her husband and then ran off. We know she's lying. We've just got to find the corkscrew to make our case airtight. I say we role-play, see if something sparks" Jake said

"Kinky" Luna said laughing making Jake laugh

"Okay, Charles come here" Jake said and Charles stood in front of Jake. "Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner. Perhaps we should have one more drinking before bed"

"Don't you 'darling' me, you philanderer" Charles said in a high pitched voice

"No, you're the husband. The husband had the affair" Jake said

"I'm always the victim. I don't want to be the victim" Charles said

"Okay, Charles is the door" Jake said

"No, I'll be the victim. Don't make me a door again" Charles said

"Great. Okay, so.. wife goes into the drawer. Gets the corkscrew. Stab, stab, stab. What did she do with the corkscrew?" Jake asked

"Trash chute" Luna said

"We checked the trash, like, ten times" Jake said

"What if it's magnetic? I have one at home" Luna said

"It's stuck halfway down the inside of the trash chute. I figured it out first!" Jake declared as everyone ran after Jake. They went to the trash chute and opened it

"You have a ten-pound flashlight in your purse, but not a hair dryer?" Jake asked Amy. Amy turned on the flashlight and looked down the chute

"I can't see far enough down" Amy said

"Someone's gonna have to go down there. Someone with narrow shoulders" Jake said. Everyone looked at Charles

"No! I have broad shoulders. I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders. God!" Charles whined. Jake and Amy held him down the chute

"See anything?" Jake asked

"Freeze! Hands in the air!" A cop said. Luna put her hands up as she laughed. Everyone followed in suit and Charles was stuck in the chute

"We're cops" Jake said

𖥔 ݁ ˖ ✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅

THEY were back at the precinct. Pembroke was chewing out Holt in his office and Luna was spinning in her spiny chair, while everyone else listened to the Vulture lecture

"What now? Holt is gonna kill you" Amy said

"I don't think he will.. Because.." Jake said

"Voila" Charles said pulling out the corkscrew in an evidence baggie

"Slay Charles slay!" Luna cheered

"We out-Vultured the Vulture!" Amy cheered before she imitated a bird cawing

"Okay.." Dylan said

"It's a vulture" Amy said

"Now, I must be excused. Gotta take this to the D.A. so we get the collar, not major crimes" Jake said

"Peralta! Now" Terry said leading Jake outside

"This chair is so fire" Luna said as she kept spinning before she felt her stomach get upset. "Trash can!"

Amy rushed over with a trash can and Luna vomited in it before sending a thumbs up

"Again!" She cheered

"And we're done spinning" Dylan said as he grabbed a hold onto the chair so Luna couldn't spin it

"You're no fun" Luna said but Dylan just smiled in response

"Well, case closed. Good work, everyone. Let's, uh, call it a night without any further discussion" Jake said

"No! All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of alcohol overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct orders. Everyone involved tonight is gonna get written up" Holt said

"Aw hell nah" Luna whined

"Okay, fine. Here's everyone who was there. Jake Peralta, J. Peralta, Dr. Jacob Peralta, who has a PhD is slow-jam studies from Funktown State University, also involved was the right honorable J-" Jake was cut off

"Okay, enough" Holt said

"My point is it was a Peralta special, sir. No one else was there" Jake said

"Well, detective I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of a team. Everybody go home. Sleep it off" Holt said. Luna didn't waste any time. She was the first one out

(4068 words)
11/28/24

THIS CHAPTER WAS A BITCH TO WRITE ALSO VOTE AND COMMENT🤭