Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.

★ .Robert Frost
---

Beom was in front of a house he didn't recognize. He walked up to the door. He looked at the two brown rugs he was stepping on. "Hwan-yeong!" and "Bienvenu!"

"Appa!" He looked up and gasped. There, brown-eyed and haired, was Lloyd in a suit. "So good to see you!"

A little black cat ran out of the house as he started crying. Lloyd brought him in. His house looked so nice. Blue walls, the brown cross on the wall next to the photos of their family, his kitchen with a wooden table and white oven, and his little living room with a white couch and flat TV on the wall.

He sat on the table. He took in the smell. Lloyd gave him a cup of tea and sat across from him to hold his hands. Beom looked down at them. Pale yet healthy. Small and painted black.

"Appa, what's wrong?" His voice was smooth like butter. It didn't have a French accent. It was more Vagian sounding. "Why were you crying?"

"Lloyd, y-you died and-"

"Died?!"

"-Yes! And you fought in a war, and were a king!"

His son chuckled. "Appa, don't you remember? We moved to France when the war began." Beom looked up at him as he wiped his tears. "And I'm certainly no king, being an pianist and a writer is enough for me."

"But what about the cancer?"

He frowned. "I think you must've been dreaming. We got rid of the cancer, it was at the early stage."

Beom laid his head on the table and sobbed. One of his biggest regrets is letting him go off to fight. Lloyd's doctor said the cancer was always doormat in his body, but it began to act up in 2017. If he were home, he would've gotten it taken out before he even started turning yellow.

"Appa, don't cry." He felt him rubbing his hands. "Everything is okay now. There's no cancer. I'm all good."

He sniffled, covering his face. "I'm glad. Where's François?"

Lloyd felt his forehead. "You feel hot. You're talking about people who don't exist."

Beom exclaimed as he laid down the couch, "Aren't you married?"

The other laughed as he put a blanket on him. The same red and blue blanket. "No! I don't have the time to date, silly! Stay right there, let me get medicine."

He walked up the stairs to the bathroom. The stairs looked out of place. There were the same dark steps from the house that took him away. He looked around and felt a sense of dread. The walls were melting. Everything he saw before was disappearing.

He heard someone falling down the stairs, the sound of a child wailing following suit. Beom sprung up and ran to the sound, he knew what his own child sounded like.

"Appa! Appa! Fell down!" The little four year-old was crying as he was holding his stomach. "Ouch!"

"Aw, Daddy can fix it." He scooped Lloyd up and embraced him. He kissed his forehead. He missed seeing him this little and innocent.

Then, he heard a different type of crying. Parents know what different cries mean, but he didn't know what this one was. Beom looked down when he felt a warm drop falling on him.

The child's little hands were on his bloody crouch. His father covered his mouth and looked up at him.

He wasn't a child anymore. He was on his breathing tube again, yellow and grabbing onto his shirt. Beom held him tight, his hands turning bright red. The floor was hot. He needed to protect him.

He thought he heard a thump. He turned his head only for a second, and when he looked back, Lloyd was running away in his military uniform.

He raced after him. The house turned into a mix of his childhood home and the house he lived in when his son was a baby. The rooms were closed, except for one. The bathroom door. All he could see was that black hair and those empty pill bottles in the white light.

Sounds shook the house as they ran up the stairs. Airplanes, pianos, babies crying, his father screaming, and laughter. He heard fireworks as the stairs lit up with colors. Lloyd was so close that he could just grab his shirt.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his back, dragging him down. He screamed and tried to fight it off. He spun around. The man that was once his son with long black hair and five eyes was staring back at him. He was laughing and holding the knife.

"He's gone!" He laughed in his face, his red spit flying. "You can't save him!"

"I HATE YOU!"

As he was going to grab his neck, he fell on his face. He slowly got up. He was holding onto Lloyd's little binky. The stairs were gone.

He heard a baby crying. He looked and saw light. He walked towards it. He saw Lloyd's nursery painted blue and covered in cute spaceships and stars. He saw his little bassinet. The crying got quieter.

He let out a cry. "My baby!"

He ran to it. He was covered in a white blanket. He was here. He could hold him again. He'll protect him from the world.

He lifted the blanket.

A dirty bodybag with the Star of David was in the crib.

◇

Beom woke up staring at the celling. He could hear Marie and the children laughing in the kitchen over breakfast. His hand was up. He turned over and yelped.

"Good morning, big brother!"

"Ho!" He had his hand on his chest. "You scared me!"

His little brother giggled. "Sorry! I wanted to tell you about my dream!"

"What was it about?" He sat up, stretching. The nightmare was thankfully slipping away.

"I can't remember, so I just watched you sleep." He jumped out of bed.

He smiled at him. "Oh, I've missed you."

---

Beau texted him to tell him that he wanted to hang out because he hadn't seen him since the argument. He said no because he didn't want to, and he just blew up at him.

"You're probably too busy eating! You fat fuck!"

"Lloyd's dead and isn't coming back! I don't want you dying with him!"

"I just want you back!"

He had no other choice but to block him and tell Bella. He's has no idea what she did, but she said she took care of it.

He cried in bed, hugging the pillow. This week has been extremely difficult with Marcel, and now this. He hates when people comment on his weight. Why can't they say anything else? Why did a little extra body fat make him an animal with no feelings?

"Franny?" Lloyd walked in as the other turned off his phone for the night. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

The other didn't show his disappointment. "Okay, then. Do you want to cuddle?"

"I kinda want to be alone." He let out a sob. "I'm so sorry! I know that makes me terrible!"

"No, no. We've been pretty much attached to the hip since I got back. It's completely understandable." He kissed his cheek and helped him lay down.

He smiled softly at him. "Are you sure you're not angry?"

He turned the air for him. "I'm not, love. Everyone needs alone time." He put a squishmellow on the bed and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Let me know when you're ready."

He smiled at him as he closed the door. He turned to the wall and cried again. What was wrong with him? He should be happy, he has everything he wants again. He wished he could go back to normal. When he was happy. When he was beautiful.

Meanwhile, Lloyd sighed as he sat on the couch. He should've pressed him on it, but that would make him uncomfortable. Maybe, a nice breakfast with gray roses would make him feel better. François says he eats a lot, but he's yet to see it. He asks him if he minds the weight and he doesn't. He gained weight too, he'll be a hypocrite if he had a problem with it. He looks the same, just a little fuller. He doesn't look bad.

He felt something under him. "What's this?" He stood up and stuck his hand in the couch. He pulled out his cigarette pack. "Oh, I need this."

He floated as he lit up, enjoying the bitter taste. He found it strange that he wasn't tired. He looked at his phone and saw it a quarter to ten. He's usually fast asleep by now.

"Are you enjoying that?"

He jumped, looking around. Down on the floor was the giant. Well, not giant. She was a normal height.

"Hello, Ma'am." He got down and bowed to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I've returned to give you your next job."

He put out his cigarette with his cold finger and ate the leftovers. "Yes, of course."

"I'm afraid you might not like enjoy this." She was stonefaced, staring down at the happy little man.

"I'll do anything you like. You've given me so much."

She used two fingers to show him a face. Lloyd felt icesicles forming on his ankles.

"I need you to destroy your brother, Jo." His eyes got big as he stumbled back. "I informed you that you wouldn't enjoy it."

He looked away, feeling sick. He turned back to her with a shaky smile. "..Ma'am, may I ask why?"

"I'm afraid not, but your brother is evil. It must be done."

"What does evil mean?"

That's what happened. The whisper woman said she gave him one, but she didn't know what.

"It's better for you not to know. You must do your job." She saw his teeth begin to shake. "I suggest you relax."

He nervously picked on his red nails. Destroy his brother? He can't do that. He wouldn't do that. He needed to think, and fast.

"What if-" his voice was high. "-I talk to him, and try to convince him to change? I-I'm sure I could!"

She frowned. "Lloyd, I would like this done correctly. I want him gone."

He felt cold tears in his eyes. "B-but if I change his mind, everything should be just fine! Can I at least have a chance?"

"Very well, but I need to take something from you in return."

He picked up Apple, who saw all this taking place. "Please don't hurt my family! Hurt me instead!"

She smiled softly at him. "Dear child, nobody will be harmed." She held out her hand. "Give me your necklace."

Forgetting why he has it, he happily took it off and gave it to her. She looked at it, nodded, then put it around her neck.

"When you transform tonight, you won't return to your human form."

He froze as she left. This can't be happening. What will his family think? What will François think? Everyone will hate him for sure. He felt ice forming on his body. He looked at the walls and saw them turning light blue.

The clock said 11:20. He only had fourty minutes left. He could leave. Leave, and never come back. He looked upstairs to the bedroom. He couldn't. He left for two years, and look at all the problems he caused. It would downright be cruel. To give François much needed happiness, then selfishly strip it away.

--

Time: 11:30pm in France
Time: 8:30am in Vagu

"I had a dream about him."

Beom and Marie were outside taking care of the animals. The children were with Ho playing with Food and tending to the other animals inside.

"You did?" Marie was cleaning up the mess the kittens made last night. "What was it about?"

"I honestly can't remember. I just know that I saw him." He looked up to the sky. Lloyd could never escape his mind. The whole damn world was covered in blue.

She smiled at him. "I'm really excited to see him again."

Beom nodded. "I just hope he's well, whatever he is now."

---

Time: 11:55pm in France.

Lloyd was pacing as the painful feeling boiled in his stomach. Apple tried more than once to get François, but he locked her in her crate and put a blanket on her head. The room was completely covered in ice and freezing.

He hid in the corner of the stairs. Pitch black, perfectly well hidden. The pain finally started. He bit on his fist to hide any groans or sobs. This was it.

--

François woke up hours later, shaking and feeling goosebumps on his skin. He was surprised, he always wakes up soaked. He went to use the blanket and looked over at Lloyd's side of the bed. He jumped up, feeling his heart beat out of his chest.

Did Lloyd disappear? Did his mind make up all that time just to fuck with him?

He went in the hallway. The walls were light blue. He looked at the steps. Half of them were covered in ice. He heard crying. Lloyd had to be here, it was the only thing that made sense.

He took his time going down, making sure he didn't fall. The living room looked like a winter wonder land. Apple was pawing to be let out, covered in a blanket.

He bent down to unlock the crate. "Show me where Lloyd is."

Once she was out, she immediately ran to the corner, sitting on the floor and looking up at him. That corner alone was covered in icesicles. He heard sobbing coming from it.

"Lloydie." He spoke gently as the sobbing stopped. "I know you're there."

He was going to use his phone as a flashlight. When the other saw him unlocking his phone, he shouted, "Don't look at me!"

François jumped. The voice was twisted in pain. It made his heart twitch. "Lloyd.."

"I'm sorry!" He dragged out the s as he yelped. "I think I should leave! It'll better off for you!"

The world went quiet again. Lloyd looked up see the other's crushed expression. The redhead couldn't see him in the dark, but he was looking right at him.

"I finally have you back...and you want to leave again..." Fat tears began to stream down his face. "Is it me? Did I do something wrong? I'll fix it, I promise!"

He wanted to hug him, but he couldn't. "It's not you, it's me. There's so much going on and I don't know how to handle it!"

The other saw ice spikes forming as he let out a sob. "You can talk about it with me. What's bothering you the most?"

He kept sobbing. "The giant came back and she wanted me to destroy my brother and I couldn't do that. So, I-I...I told her that I'll try talking to him and she said yes, but she needed something from me."

"What was it?" Jr came in, whining about it being cold. Apple began licking him.

"I've been hiding something from you." He expected him to get angry, instead he nodded and waited. "When I left, well, dead is the correct word-" he choked up when he saw the other look down. "-left, I looked different. I wasn't exactly human, you could say. Ever since I came back, every night, I go back to that, then in the morning, I'm fine. But, because she needed something, she-"

He started sobbing again, sounding like a little child. François tried to move closer, but felt the room becoming colder.

"Did she take it away?"

"Yeah."

"That's okay, dear one. Can I see?"

He held out his hand to the dark. A shaking, gray, claw-like hand came out. He was shocked, but he held it, rubbing it. It felt dry and scaly.

"You're okay, my darling." He heard him sobbing more. "You can-"

Jr suddenly got in front of him and hissed. François gasped as the cat tried scratching the claw, Lloyd quickly drawing back and going deeper into the dark.

"Jr!" The redhead scolded him through clenched teeth. "No!"

"It's okay." He sounded completely broken. More ice formed around him, causing him to cry out in pain.

"Baby, it's okay!" He wished he could just touch him, but he respected his boundaries.

He walked over to the drawer under the TV. He had to struggle to open it, but he came back with a notepad and pen.

"Draw what you look like." He put it the dark.

He heard the pen moving, along with gentle sobs. He gave it back to him. The taller looked at it. It was him with a tail, horns, wings, and four arms. He looked pretty cool. He muttered an aw when he saw the giant tear in his eye.

"You look cool, baby!" He tried to squit to look at him. He thought he could see his hair. "Please move closer to me, you don't have to be in the light if you don't want to."

Slowly, Lloyd did what was asked. Jr had his hair standing up as he slowly sniffled his hand in the dark. He rolled on his belly, his tail smacking the floor. Apple sniffed him and laid down, she already knew it was daddy. François smiled when he heard quiet giggling.

"See? They still love you. And I still love you." He felt the other looking up at him as he opened his arms. "Come here, Lloydie. I know you love hugs."

Lloyd took a deep breath as he went into the light. He truly expected François to scream and push him away. Instead, he was quickly brought into an embrace. He buried his face as he felt the other's warm hands touch his body.

"You look so awesome, if I'm being honest." He looked into his eyes as he felt him touch his black tail. It was so long that it was almost touching the back of the couch. "Why were you hiding this? This looks so badass."

"I thought you wouldn't like me. You hate snakes."

François frowned and looked down at him, wiping his cold tears. "Baby, I'll never hate you. I want you to be comfortable with me."

He hugged with all of his arms. "I love you!"

"Shh, don't cry." He kissed his wings, feeling the black feathers.

"There's just been so much going on, and now this! I just have so many questions and I'm too afraid to ask you because it'll make you sad!"

He looked at him and held his lower set of hands. "You can ask me anything, you deserve to know."

He sniffled. "You promise?" When the other nodded, he went straight to the point. "Why were the dogs with me? Apple and Benjamin should've been with you."

"Oh." François covered his mouth. He looked away when he started crying again. Lloyd looked down. "Apple died with you. She fell down the stairs."

Apple was picked up by her tearful owner. "Oh, baby. You couldn't live without daddy, couldn't you?" She licked his tears before she was put down. "What happened to Ben?"

He hid his face as he told him the story. Lloyd listened, then cried more as he thought about him. He literally grieved himself to death.

"Please forgive me." He held his chin up. His red eyes stole his heart. It was his favorite color after all.

Lloyd nodded and hugged him. He smiled when he felt the other playing with his blonde hair. "When you talked about your hallucinations-" He felt himself becoming cold again. "-it seemed like you were leaving stuff out."

He didn't even deny it. He was bent over, covering his face as he cried. His husband rubbed his back.

"Most of them were okay, well, okay as hallucinating gets. But some were really, really bad. One of them, you blamed me for your death."

He needed a crying break on Lloyd's shoulders before continuing.

"A couple of times, when I would look at the steps. I saw you falling. Like, I actually saw it! I would hold you on the floor and cry for hours. Then I look away and you'll be gone." He turned away to sob again. Those hallucinating scared him most. It was so real. He could feel his body on him, smell his breath, yet it was all fake.

The smaller hugged him tighter, crying with him. François breathed deeply. "It'll never happen ever again. I'll make sure."

The taller touched his face, his hands in his curly hair and ears. "Don't leave. Please don't leave." He hugged his head to his chest. "I don't know what I'll do if you leave again! I barely survived it last time!"

"Don't say that..."

"I almost killed myself, Lloyd! The day after my grandmother's funeral, God! It was the hardest day of the life!"

"..."

"I don't know how I survived 2020! I was so close to it on December 31! I-"

Lloyd let out a wail. His body began turning bluish as ice formed around him. He was hysterical, yelling about how sorry he was. François' widen as he realized why he needed to be warm. Snakes can't get cold.

"Lloyd, Lloyd! It's okay!" He touched him and felt his shoulders tense. "C'mon, baby!"

He picked him up. He made sure he picked his tail up so it didn't drag. He carried him upstairs and put him in the bed. He grabbed blankets to wrap him in, he put Benjamin on the bed and basically forced him to cuddle with him, he did everything he could. Lloyd was shaking so terribly that the bed moved from below him. He covered his face with his hands as he hugged François close with the other.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I've should've stopped Jo before! You would've been okay!"

François laid down with him. He took off his shirt to put it on him, not caring about how he looked for once. "What does your brother have anything to do with this?!"

Lloyd grabbed by his shoulders. His eyes were wet, the tears on his face froze into ice and didn't move, and his teeth danced. "He has everything to do with this, and it's all my fault!"

"Calm down then talk. You're talking too fast."

By the time he was, he was dizzy and still shivering. François rubbed his back. It felt so good to let that out, but now he feels guilty. What if he did kill himself? Bella would care at least. She'll never forgive herself.

"François, I need to be very honest with me." He was holding his arms and looking into his eyes. It was funny. They were each other's favorite color. "What happened after I died? Like immediately afterward."

The other was quiet for a second. "Your dad found you." He felt ice getting on the bed and hugged him. He waited until he calmed down. "White went in to see what happened because he was screaming and he started screaming too. Then Val then me." His voice shook. "You were gone, Lloyd. You didn't even look like a person. You looked like a doll."

He cried again, so did the other. That night was pure hell. There was a ringing in his ears and tears getting all over his face. He could feel every atom yet couldn't remember anything. When Beom carried him and the dog away into the bedroom and locked the door, he collapsed. Valentino said he passed out and White had to watch him so she could call Marie.

"I'm sorry." He wiped his tears so they wouldn't get trapped him in his beard. François kissed his hand, not caring about how different they looked. "Did you see someone with multiple eyes?"

"No. Why?" He didn't let him go. He was still too cold.

He nodded. "Do you remember the sez-"

"Yes." He grasped his hair. The five minute seizure. The screaming and panic. That two minute car ride that felt like two hours. Crying on his hospital bed as Beom and Valentino spoke to the doctor. The doctor telling them that he would most likely be dead by the end of the month. The fact it was correct.

He collected himself before whispering, "It was Jo's fault."

He began to cry again, François shushing him and keeping him warm. All he wanted was an elder brother's admiration, and instead he got a knife in the chest.

"Me and him were fighting. We yelled at each other, and he got so angry that he punched me in my stomach." He touched the spot where it happened. Above his belly button. He could still feel it. "I don't why.." He couldn't speak anymore. He hugged his stomach.

François kissed his forehead, then kissed the spot. Lloyd sighed and kissed his. He started stroking his stretchmarks.

"Little lightning to go with star kisses." The redhead choked up and hugged him tight.

"Your brother doesn't sound good." He stroked Lloyd's black horns. He kissed him, making him blush. Good, anything to keep him warm.

"Baby, if you don't mind," his voice was back to being gentle and stable. "what were you told that happened to me?"

He bit his lip. "Heart attack."

He shook his head. "No." He looked down. François held his hands and saw tears falling on them. "Jo had a blade, and he stabbed me. He watched me fall and didn't do anything to help me." His body moved as he sobbed. "It hurt so badly, and he didn't care."

François let him cry into his shoulder, crying with him. His chest felt hot.

"Fuck him! I hate your brother!" He wiped his tears with shaky fists. "He killed you! He nearly drove me crazy! I hate him!"

"No!" Lloyd looked at him with wide eyes. "Wasn't it a good thing?"

He regretted it immediately when he saw his husband's face drop. "No! How could you say that!"

"I was sick! I was a burden!" François shook his head. "It was going to happen regardless!"

"You weren't a burden! In our wedding vows, we said in sickness and health, and I took it seriously! If the roles were reversed and I was the sick one, would I be a burden to you?"

Lloyd hugged his neck, close to his face. "No!"

They could see the tears in each other's eyes. "I felt the same way! I love you, Lloyd!"

He sniffled as he kissed his face. François hugged him so tight they could've fused together if it were possible. Why would he think like that?

He pulled him off, touching his face. "I knew it was coming, but I never thought it would happen." He covered his eyes as the other hugged his shoulders. "I thought it would be different. You'll be in bed and I'll be with you. But you-" he started sobbing again. When you have death as a visitor, you never want it to leave with a loved one.

"Hey, hey." He spoke quietly. "I'm okay, my love."

Once they were both calm, they snuggled. Benjamin was put on the ground. François felt hot because he was being squeezed with four strong arms and had a tail wrapped around him. Lloyd was still too cold, so they benefited from each other.

"We should be open. No more hiding things."

François nodded. "Yeah, I feel like we should discuss with a therapist."

Despite being nervous, the shorter agreed. "Are you sure this doesn't bother you? The whole um.." He moved his tail slightly.

He chuckled. "I'm sure, my dear. You look beautiful, and awesome." He played with his wings, making him laugh. "If you can love me in the state I'm in, I could love you in anything. Besides, it's not the first time you've changed your appearance."

"True." He stroked his beard, feeling tired. The sun was coming up. "What time is it?"

"It's time for bed." He was covering his eyes with his hands, so Lloyd blocked the sun with his wings. "Good morning, I guess." He kissed his lips, moved around, then fell asleep.

He looked at him sleep. He looked so peaceful. He had the same features. His big nose, freckles, blue eyes. But he also had different things. More white hair, eyebags, wrinkles. He looked different too.

"Good morning, my Franny." He had his hand on his beard as he fell asleep.

---

The Bacchante
Jean-Léon Gérôme