[BEGIN AUDIO ON 29/12/19]

I feel like this will be my last one.

[PAUSE]

[RESUME]

I don't know who will be the first person to hear this, but whoever does, please show this to everyone else. I've made separate recordings for everyone.

1/left: White and James. I'm sorry for not recording separately, but it's hard for me to press buttons.
1/right: Mom and Dad.
2/left: Uncle Ho and my therapist.
3/left: Charles.
3/right: Sarah, Susu, Valentino, and Haruki. Again, please forgive me for not recording separately.
4/left: François.
4/right: My pets. I'm sorry, Ginger. You passed away before I could make you one, but I'll see you soon, my love.
5/left: My in-laws and my war buddies.
5/right: The public.

This message is mainly for me. Selfish, I know.

I've been having the wildest dreams. The last one, I remember, was with my grandparents. I can't tell you all the details because it makes me sound crazy, but I remember after one with my older brother, I had the seizure. I don't even know what happened, I just know that I was unconscious for a long time and woke up in the hospital.

I hated it at the hospital. It was miserable. People there are like zombies and there's too much sound. Nobody wanted to tell me anything, but dad asked me if I wanted to stay there. The doctors said they'll put me in the ICU until I die. I told him hell no! Why would I want to die in that shithole if I could die at home instead?

So, I'm back home, I got here last week, I think, don't really remember. There's this new thing called Covid going on. I really don't know what it is, but I know that it's something I don't want. When François gets home from work, he showers, changes his clothes, makes sure his hands are washed twice, and then stays with me all day. He wears a mask, too. My dad doesn't think it's a big deal, but he does the same things when he wants to see me. White and Valentino don't wear masks, but they're very clean.

I'm not exactly myself anymore. I rarely leave the house, mainly because of getting a virus but also because I'm just really weak. I can't even get out of bed some days. I stopped eating completely, I have an IV that gives me all my vitamins. I feel so tired now. It's taking me a lot of strength to even record this.

I miss myself. I miss when I was happier and much healthier. It's gone now. I'm a stupid lemon now.

I still do a few of the things that I used to do. Rarely, I play my piano. My head hurts remembering keys, but I still enjoy it. I play with my babies and talk with my friends. I watch movies with Franny, but I usually fall asleep before the end. He doesn't mind, though. He tells me the endings, pretty happy ones. I wish I could give him a happy ending. Where we dance in the clouds or fly away in the giant yellow submarine.

I'm really trying not to be a problem for him, but I know I am. I'm determined not to die before our anniversary. I try to give him happy memories when we play piano or cuddle. I wish I could do more.

I try my best to not let him and everyone else know how sick I am. I cough a lot now. Sometimes, appa catches me, but I tell him it was from smoking. I fall asleep all the time. Once, I fell asleep on a bench at the park, and Valentino had to carry me back home. I was so embarrassed, but she said I wasn't that heavy.

[PAUSE]

[RESUME]

Sorry, had a seizure. ✨️Glitter✨️ (YES THIS BITCH SAYS GLITTER REMEMBER IT'S 2019 IN THIS BOOK)

I really want my mom. She still isn't well, and I know it's my fault. I want her here. She hasn't called me yet, I think she hates me. Dad says she doesn't, she just isn't ready. But like, there's not that much time left.

I'm going to end the recording now. I'm very tired. If my feeling is correct, it's been a pleasure talking with this. I thank the nurse that gave this to me in Germany.

Whoever finds this, please show everyone my recordings. I love you very much, may God bless you.

Signing off, Lloyd Dauphiné.

[ENDING AUDIO ON 29/12/19 AT ONE HOUR AND ONE MINUTE.]