It's hard losing someone or something you love. The worst part is, only after you lose it or them, you realize just how important they were to you.

Sometimes losing even a simple pen makes you realize that all the other ones hurt your fingers, and that the one pen you lost was truly the best one.

Losing a pet may sometimes lead to weeks of sadness. Imagine having a cat, angry, always hissing, not friendly. You think that when the cat runs away or dies you won't care, but the moment the cat is gone you realize that the place you're living in is suddenly...boring. At least before someone would sleep in a middle of the bed, eat all your tuna off of your sandwich or quietly jump on your bed at night and cuddle up to you.

The loss of a friend is much worse. No more walks in the evening talking about god knows what, no more messing around or pulling all-nighter, just laughing at random videos or taking pictures of eachother. No one to vent to when you need to or talk about your crushes.

Losing a sibling always proves that two is better than one. Sure, they were annoying, took your stuff, made fun of you, never gave you privacy, but at the same time they were there to help you, protect you, lend you clothes and keep your secrets. They were there to listen how "mom doesn't understand" and "no one cares".

Losing someone you care about is always hard. Arguably, losing a loved one is the hardest.

Love is a terrifying thing. Imagine trusting someone with your whole being, your heart, your soul, your brain and they can choose to crush it all at any given moment, but somehow, you still give it away, because no matter how hard you try - they always take over. They are the priority and you'd be willing to take a bullet for them, even if they were the ones firing it.

Losing does not always mean death, no, sometimes it could be long distance and not being able to communicate. Sometimes it's just witnessing the one you love walk out of your life.

And that's exactly what Bokuto witnessed. Sitting on the couch, hiding his pathetic face in his hands and silently crying, but..he should be. He should be dying from all the guilt that's eating him, because it's his fault.

It's his fault that Akaashi left.

Highschool, freshmen year. Young Akaashi first sees Bokuto at the entrance ceremony and that was enough. Love at first sight. He knew he was young and it may have been a temporary crush, but he couldn't stop himself.

Bokuto was in the center of attention, loud, strong, reliable. Everybody wanted to get a piece of him, including Akaashi. But that's where the problem came in.

Akaashi always thought first beforr doing anything. Bokuto didn't. Akaashi followed his mind, Bokuto relied on his instincts. While Akaashi would be at home studying things he shouldn't be, such as astronomy and advanced physics, Bokuto was out with his friends, playing games.

They didn't even speak to each other for a good two years. What Akaashi thought would be a short crush, turned into a long and painful love story. It hurt watching Bokuto fail at his studies and him not caring about bad grades at all.

They only spoke to eachother at the start of the last year in highschool. The principle asked Akaashi to tutor Bokuto, so he manages to pass the exams. Bokuto, of course, was reluctant, but gave in after seeing how happy Akaashi was.

And that's where the story truly begins.

Akaashi was ecstatic, I mean, tutoring his dream boy seemed so surreal! He made sure to write down everything Bokuto would need in a separate notebook. His weak part was math, so Akaashi spent the whole night taking down all formulas and everything that Bokuto could need.

He knew he shouldn't expect Bokuto to be excited about this, but he expected at least a tiny bit of participation. Bokuto greeted him very lazily and instead of actuallt studying and appreciating Akaashi's hard work, he asked questions about Akaashi's personal life.

Stupid feelings that Akaashi had for Bokuto made him answer every single one of the questions and even add extra information. At the end of the night, they had done nothing but talk about themselves.

"You're not so boring after all.." Bokuto chuckled as he slipped off the bed. "I think we'll get along just fine"

From that day on feelings took control. Akaashi knew that he was supposed to help Bokuto study, not do his homework for him and help him cheat on tests, but everytime he came over Bokuto would distract him. 3 months passed and Akaashi was not able to pick himself up and confront Bokuto.

One evening, when it seemed like Akaashi would finally ask Bokuto to study, the other just had to ruin everything.

"Bokuto! Listen... we should really st---" Akaashi was interrupted by Bokuto placing a finger in his lips.

"Shh, you're gonna wake up my cat Mr. Snuggles. He's a light-sleeper" Bokuto smiled at Akaashi, who just seemed to be getting impatient.

"Bokuto, I'm trying to tell you that we sh---" this time Akaashi was interrupted by Bokuto suddenly pressing his palm against Akaashi's cheek. It felt like Akaashi's heart was going to burst any moment now.

"You're always trying to tell me something, but you don't have to. I know.." He said before leaning in and pressing his lips against Akaashi's.

All studies just drained from Akaashi's brain as his heart literally skipped a beat, but before any hesitation could strike he wrapped his arms around Bokuto, pulling him even closer. Bokuto seemed to respond positively to that as his hand sneaked under Akaashi's t-shirt.

The feeling of Bokuto's fingers tracing his spine made shivers run through Akaashi's whole body, but that was far from the end. Bokuto moved onto his neck, leaving hickeys on his way down to Akaashi's chest. His hands touching Akaashi's hot and smooth skin as if there is no tomorrow.

Unfortunately, Bokuto's parents came back and they stopped before it turned into a full fiasco. From that day on, studies were no longer in Akaashi's head. Every time he would come over, Bokuto would kiss him and make him feel like he's in heaven.

Physical contact and kisses soon turned into much more intimate activities. At first it was just Bokuto touching more and more, discovering parts of Akaashi that no one else has. Later Akaashi started doing the same and their relationship levelled up, but it never really reached the last base.

Mainly because Akaashi wasn't ready. He would agree to any oral activities, but not to anything more.

As spring came by, Akaashi realized just how much his grades had fallen and decided to finally pick himself up. His feelings and emotions had calmed down, so he was able to study in peace. When the time to choose the career path came by, Akaashi knew for sure what he was going to do.  He was a born astronomer, space was something he had been interested in since he was little.

Knowing Bokuto's strong and weak sides, he advices Bokuto to simply take  a year off or go study Business and Leadership. He knew Bokuto would be at least moderately interested in the lectures, but as always Bokuto ignored Akaashi and went with the most stupid option - Theater. Apparently his friend told him that he cam skip as many lectures are he wants as long as he puts up something at the end of the month. Now, Akaashi knew that Bokuto couldn't act for shit, he could barely lie.

But he also knew he can't argue. Bokuto never listened and would shut Akaashi up with a kiss.

Entering university brought even more problems. Bokuto started hanging out with different people who wanted Bokuto to come out every weekend and go drinking. Akaashi hated it! He told him many times, but Bokuto didn't care.

Their "love" had two different meanings. Akaashi saw Bokuto as someone he would spend the rest of his life with, someone he cares about and would do anything to save him.

Bokuto's love was just...comfort. Comfort of having someone cook food. Comfort of having someone do all his work for him. Comfort of having someone he can relieve his pent up sexual frustration onto. It was comfort and not once did Bokuto think how much it was hurting Akaashi.

Seeing Bokuto come back drunk and with bruises would hurt him deeply. Seeing Bokuto fail every single one of his tasks and jobs because he couldn't care less about doing work would make him feel guilty and embarrassed.

Akaashi knew, he knew this relationship was slowly eating him from the inside. He knew this was toxic, he knew he should leave, but he couldn't bring himself to. He loved Bokuto even though he hurt him in various ways.

It took Akaashi a long time to actually realize that his mental health is also important and that this relationship was not going anywhere. As good as he felt when Bokuto would hold him and whisper nice things to him, it was time to leave and live for himself.

One specific incident caused Akaashi to pack his things and leave.

"Bokuto, no! You're going to regret it!" Akaashi exclaimed as he held Bokuto's wallet pressed to his chest, hoping he won't go.

"I'm just going to have fun!" Bokuto laughed, stepping closer to Akaashi.

"Have you ever thought about how I feel? It hurts me to see you come back drunk almost every day, I have to take care of you, you know? Who am I to you? A butler? Someone you can just use?!" Akaashi felt the tears swelling up in his eyes, but Bokuto still grabbed his wallet and slightlu pushed Akaashi away.

"Akaashi, please... I'm going out and I'd like some dinner when I come back. You haven't cooked in a while" Bokuto said, seemingly unphased by Akaashi's words.

"Do you even love me...." Akaashi managed to say before tears just started rolling down his cheeks.

Bokuto gulped before answering. "Sure."

On one hand we had Akaashi. Seeing the man he loves treat him like this made him want to leave this word entirely, but he stayed strong. He packed his clothes and belongings and just left. He left with tears spilling down his face, bloody knuckles from punching the wall out of anger and breaking the framed photo of him and Bokuto.

It hurt him inside, but he knew this pain was temporary. It was time to go. If he stayed with Bokuto any longer he'd turn into a doll that does nothing but serve Bokuto and satisfy his needs. He was human, he wanted love and attention too.

On another hand we had Bokuto, who couldn't party after everything that Akaashi had said. He never realized before that Akaashi was the one suffering the most. He realized that he had really been taking advantage of him.

Bokuto left the party earlier and upon getting back he realized that there was no one to greet him with a hug. No one to immediately ask whether everything is okay. The apartment was dead silent. The closet was half empty.

And we're back to the current situation. Losing Akaashi made Bokuto realize just how stupid he had been. Akaashi did everything for him, helped him cheat his tests, did all the work for him, just so Bokuto could rest because of the hangovers.

Akaashi was the one who stayed with him through everything and yet he went and messed it up.

Was there a chance to get Akaashi back? I doubt it. He had  listened to enough "give me one more chance" already.

Being such a youngblood and enjoying his youth made Bokuto forget the most important person in his life.

His mistake.

I wonder how long it will take him to move on..

The end.

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Gift number two! This one is sad because I have a fever and my head isn't working.

Anyway, I hope you guys liked it. I wanted to write something different, so writing about the toxic relationship that many people deal with seemed like a good idea.

Once again. If someone you love is ignoring you and choosing someone else over you, leave them. That's not love.

Hope you are doing better than me guys.

I love you all.
Love, Tari.