DEALING WITH IT

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THE HAWKINS HIGH PEP RALLY WAS UNDERWAY AND FILLED WITH EXCITEMENT. Students had continued to file into the gymnasium as the day began, everyone now talkative with their initial morning exhaustion behind them. The bleachers had been filled with students while the cheerleaders had put together a routine for them to enjoy as they awaited the Hawkins High basketball team to hype them up for their championship game tonight.

Alex had entered the gym, greeted by the marching band blasting their music to the audience that had formed. Robin's eyes lit up at the opportunity. Steve may have convinced her to drop the thought of him and Alex reconnecting, but she was not ready to let go. Their conversation in the car reminded Robin of how Alex Henderson had accepted her into her life so easily. Now she felt she wrongly accepted Alex walking out of hers.

Pulling her trumpet away from her lips, a smile broke out as she raised a hand. "Henderson!" Her voice was lost in the music of the band but she was not willing to let her walk off so quickly. "Henderson, hey!" The lull in the music had allowed her voice to carry out and just as she hoped, she had caught Alex's attention. She gave her another wave, smiling brightly to finally be able to find the courage to talk to her after all this time.

It wasn't until Alex had acknowledged her that Robin felt her smile fade away. In return, Alex had raised a hand in greeting, but there was no smile following along. Not even a twitch of the lips. Robin took a quick breath of air as she forced her smile to stay on her face. On the inside, she was hurting. Her efforts to do what she had been afraid to do was greeted with a wave that was something you give to a teacher you don't care for. It was an awful feeling.

Robin slowly brought her trumpet back to her lips as she watched Alex walk towards the bleachers. Pulling her eyes off of her, Robin had tried to focus back on the excitement of the pep rally when all she had wanted to do was bury herself into her bed and cry. She lost a best friend for good, she felt. Just that easy.

She wasn't the only one that was giving up so easily. In the middle of the bleachers, Mike had nudged Dustin in the side as he nodded toward his sister. "We should try and get her to come sit with us. It's been forever."

"Don't even bother," Dustin said with a frown. "You'll be lucky if she even looks this way."

"Oh, come on," Mike scoffed. "I know she's been kinda distant from us, but she's still your sister. She's a part of the party." He ignored as Dustin shook his head in disapproval and held up a hand in the air as he called her name. Mike was sure to be loud to be heard over the crowd of people, which he was.

Alex had looked up as she made her way up the stairs of the bleachers. He waved her over with a large grin, motioning to the open seats beside them. It was a while since the two had spoken to one another. Mike made attempts here and there to see if she had a change of heart, but all attempts failed. Alex's eyes flickered away immediately as she moved into another row, just a few down from them.

Dustin looked to Mike with a frown and a guilty shrug. "I told you, man. She's not interested in talking to any of us anymore. She barely even talks to me or my mom. Total goner. Just needs some space. Let her have it."

"She's had some," Mike frowned. "She was fine before..." Shaking his head, he had failed to wrap his head around everything. "Before, she was fine," he repeated. "She talked to us all the time."

"And then she slowly shut herself out," Dustin finished for him. "Trust me, I know. Sometimes I forget she's even my sister anymore." Dustin hid well how hurt he was to lose Alex. They were inseparable before. Sure they would fight, but that never stopped them from making up quickly and jumping back into their usual selves. Now she was gone from his life even if she was always right there, just within reach. Living with her had him accept how she was a lot sooner than others. It didn't mean he wasn't hurting, however.

When the marching band's song had come to a loud ending, cheers had encapsulated the audience. The cheerleaders had finished their performance right on time with the music, meaning that they had perfected their performance. It was already looking like a great day for Hawkins High.

The cheerleaders made their way to the sidelines, taking a seat as an announcement brought nearly everyone to their feet to cheer. "Let's hear it for your Tigers!"

Making their way into the gym, the Hawkins High basketball team had made their arrival causing an uproar of applause. Coming up to the microphone, Jason, one of the most popular boys in school, had stepped forward from his lineup of his team. "Good morning, Hawkins High!" Pulling the microphone from its stand, he let the cable trail behind him as he approached the cheering audience. "First off, I'd like to thank each and every one of you. Without your support, we wouldn't be here. Give yourselves a big hand!"

Once again, Jason had gotten the majority of the school on his side, cheering and applauding which only further boosted his ego. "And, of course, I have to give a special shout-out to the best and the prettiest fans of all time, the Tiger cheer squad!"

As Jason continued his speech, Lucas Sinclair slowly lowered his hand when Max ignored his small wave to her. He missed her more than anything and wished he could be there for her. But as Alex had done, Max had done as well. All he ever wanted was them back in his life.

Jason had taken a step back as he lowered his head in a grievance. "You know, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, it's been a tough year for Hawkins. So much loss." Already his words had struck a nerve for Alex Henderson. Her jaw had clenched as her panicked eyes looked around her before finally flickering down. "Sometimes I wonder, how much loss can one community take? In dark days like this, we need something to believe in. So last night, when we were down by ten points at half to Christian Academy, I looked at my team, and I said... Think of Jack."

Alex had felt uneasy at where his speech had been going. It was enough that she hated that he was using the tragedies of Hawkins as a means to hype people for basketball, but to remind her of such tragic events in a false light pained her— how she could have done so much more to protect those people of Hawkins. Then he had continued to name those they had lost. "Think of Melissa. Think of Heather. Think of Billy." All eyes had turned to Max Mayfield at the mention of her brother, but her eyes only looked to Alex Henderson.

Max could see how Alex had shifted in her spot on the bleachers. She was uncomfortable and filled with guilt that she couldn't save him. It was when Jason had unknowingly stepped on a broken piece of Alex's heart that had finally caused her to break. "Think about our heroic police chief, Jim Hopper."

Alex couldn't take another moment in that gymnasium. Rather than force herself to listen to it, to listen to Jason talk of Jim Hopper, she pushed her way through the row. She didn't apologize or even attempt to be polite. She needed to flee immediately before it had all become too much to handle. Those around her grew annoyed as she was the one to rudely interrupt a moving speech as they moved from her path.

Her friends had all watched her as she fled the scene, letting those heavy gym doors shut behind her, finally disappearing into the halls. They wanted to chase after her, give her comforting words and remind her it wasn't her fault. Yet they couldn't bring themselves to move. She wasn't the same Alex Henderson they had known, she was different.

There was one woman who held her hands in front of her and let out a small sigh. Politely excusing herself to another teacher, Ms. Kelley quietly opened the same doors Alex had gone through and followed after her.

Once she spotted Alex down the hall, sitting by herself, Ms. Kelley had found her polite and glowing smile. She was everything that the word comforting could describe. Ms. Kelley was the Hawkins High counselor, and she had been seeing Alex since November 1983, not too long after the disappearance of Will Byers.

Ms. Kelley had gotten to know Alex well throughout the years, through her highs and lows. And this was the lowest she had ever been. What Ms. Kelley had always made sure of, was that whoever she had talked to, she would come to their level, never put herself above them. What her students needed was someone to understand them, not just listen to them.

Getting down onto the floor of the halls, Ms. Kelley sat beside Alex, her smile never faltering. "Hi, Alex," she said softly.

Alex kept her eyes down, she wasn't crying. A part of her had wished she would cry and then maybe she'd feel better. She wanted to be honest with Ms. Kelley, but she could never be as honest as she had wanted.

"Would you like to come to my office? I took your suggestion and bought some peanut M&M's. Since they're your favorite, I'll be willing to share. That is, I'd like you to talk to me about what happened in there."

She didn't have to say a word for Ms. Kelley to know Alex would come. She always did even if she hated giving in to her. The truth was, talking to Ms. Kelley always did make her feel better. It gave her some relief. And it always helped that Ms. Kelley had no bias toward the situation, she wasn't there for everything and didn't have her own trauma from it that would step in the way.

The two had gotten to their feet and made their way down the hall to Ms. Kelley's office. As soon as the two had sat down, Ms. Kelley opened Alex's file she had complied together over the years. It had already been out on her desk because she had talked to Alex more than any other student in Hawkins this year. Before it was the occasional visit, then it had slowly progressed after the school year started until she had gone every day, sometimes even for lunch.

Sliding over a bowl full of peanut M&M's, Ms. Kelley got straight into business. "How have you been so far today, Alex? Did you get some sleep?"

Alex took a piece of candy, popping it into her mouth, but her eyes stayed down. "I've been fine. It's just like every morning."

"Except today we had our pep rally."

Her eyes flickered across her lap as she thought back to the speech Jason had given and nodded her head in agreement. Ms. Kelley nodded along as well, her smile never faltering. "Jason's speech upset you, which is understandable. Billy Hargrove was a friend and Jim Hopper..."

"Jason's an asshole."

Ms. Kelley turned her head away as she bit back her amusement in her answer. "And why is that?"

"He used the mall fire to get people excited for this bullshit basketball game. People actually cheered for it. As if any one of those people that died actually gave a crap if we won or lost. As if they died for a basketball game to be won." Alex grew choked up in her words and she played with her fingers anxiously. "They didn't want to die."

Nodding along, Ms. Kelley folded her hands together. "I agree," she said gently. "Perhaps it wasn't the best speech, but people grieve differently."

Alex's eyes flickered across the desk in panic. "Jason didn't know Hopper. He didn't know Billy. He doesn't get to use this speech or basketball game as a way to grieve. He just doesn't. It's not fair to people like us." Alex swallowed hard when a bubble formed in her throat. She didn't want to cry in front of Ms. Kelley. There truly was no other option to her than to always stay strong for those around her. "It's not fair," she whispered.

"It's not fair to you and those who also lost people they loved in the fire," Ms. Kelley responded. "I would like to discuss the fire a little more today if that's okay with you?" She waited, smiling to herself as she watched Alex agree with a small nod of her head. "You told me before you feel like it's something you could have stopped— that you couldn't save them."

"I should've," Alex whispered. "I tried and-and I didn't."

"Why do you feel you could have prevented this? To me, it seems that there was no possible way you could have stopped the fire from starting. You didn't start this, Alex."

Finally, Alex looked up to Ms. Kelley with a deep frown. It had caused her to sit back in her chair, feeling progress today to have Alex look at her. But the pain she saw, she knew Alex had blamed herself entirely for all of this and she needed help to push through. "I don't know," Alex whispered.

"That's okay," she said softly. "Sometimes we blame ourselves for things we can't prevent because it's a way we grieve, how we hold on to our traumas. Losing those you cared for in the fire is trauma." She awaited a response from Alex but in return was given silence. Grabbing her pen, she had marked down their little progress on the fire as she looked back up to her to a new topic of conversation. "Since we last talked, your grade in science has now gone from a C to a D. I'm afraid we might be slipping into similar patterns again. Now last year, you hit a low spot in grades but were quick to bring them back up. This year, it's been a little more difficult which is understandable. You have a lot going through your mind lately. What my concern is, you're graduating this year. As much as I love seeing you, I don't want you here another year because of your grades."

Alex gave a small shrug in response. Education was not her main concern now. There was a part of her that felt it wasn't worth it any longer. As much as she didn't want to fall back into the darkness Hawkins Lab had cursed her with when they allowed all this to happen, she was in some ways prepared. She felt she wouldn't live to graduation and she surely wouldn't live to college. Not the way life has taken her.

"Can I share something with you? Talking to you these last few years, I've always appreciated the effort you put into younger people around you such as your brother, his friends, and the girl you used to babysit for. You always talked so easily about them and it seemed that you've helped them grow into the people they are. Though this may come across as biased, I think you should consider looking into going to college and becoming a counselor. You've guided young minds out of instinct and I think it's a solid option for you. You would always have my recommendation if you ever need it."

"I don't think I want to go to college," Alex admitted. It was the first time Ms. Kelley had heard about this. She was the one that helped Alex send out her college applications and now it seemed to be for nothing.

Curious, she leaned forward. "Is there a reason?"

Alex shook her head. She didn't want to share with Ms. Kelley her thoughts on how long she planned to live.

There was a small silence as Ms. Kelley patiently waited for Alex to explain her reasoning. Nothing followed and she felt that she lost progress greatly. Marking it down in her notes, she carried on. "And, I know you tend to push past this subject, but I'd like to know how are you with relationships? Last time we discussed it, you had told me you had broken up with your boyfriend, Steve. That was months ago."

There was a flicker of emotion across Alex's face that had Ms. Kelley perk up. It was the first time Alex had given any response, verbal or not, to that question. "I'm not dating," she said quietly as if she were embarrassed.

"Nothing wrong with that. Just not interested or is your past relationship still weighing on you, preventing you from moving on?"

Alex's leg began to bounce the more agitated she grew. "Both," she admitted.

"Well, I feel the need to ask, but have you spoken to Steve? Keeping in contact could prevent you from being able to move on, but also having a conversation could also help you let go if that's what you're looking for."

Letting go was difficult for Alex. Even if she had been the one to end things between the two, she didn't think she could ever love anyone else. He was the only one. "I haven't spoken to him since we broke up."

"And is he dating?"

Alex pursed her lips causing Ms. Kelley to look down. This had struck a nerve in Alex and she felt for her. "He's been dating... a lot. I-I don't know anymore. Whenever I see him, he's with someone different."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "Hurt. But I was the one who broke up with him and told him to leave. He has the right to move on."

"And so do you whenever that time may be. What you've been through and are still going through, it's okay to take your time. Relationships are not in the forefront of your mind from what I see so don't force yourself to get back out there. Take your time to find yourself again. And when you're ready, it'll happen. Whether you talk to Steve and work things out again or you move on to something new, something fresh."

"I don't want that," Alex admitted.

"Which of those options don't you want?"

"I don't know," Alex said with flushed cheeks. "Maybe... maybe I don't deserve to be loved. I screw up all the time. Not that anyone likes me anyways. Everyone here's an asshole."

Ms. Kelley quickly jotted down her notes on the conversation as she nodded along to Alex's words. "People at this school are not always nice."

"Assholes," Alex stated once more.

Ms. Kelley glanced up from her notes with a small grin. "Those are your words, not mine." Placing her pen down, she folded her hands onto the desk. "Whatever you hear, not everyone thinks it, Alex."

"I know you've heard what they say."

A frown formed on her lips as she broke her eyes away from Alex. She tended to hear what rumors floated through the school, what names people were called. Alex felt embarrassed she put Ms. Kelley on the spot. Reaching out, Alex had grabbed a handful of M&M's for herself. "Yeah, it's fine. I don't want to think about it right now."

"Okay," she said softly. "I want to talk a little bit about your health. I understand your doctor, Dr. Owens has been keeping an eye on you very well. Have you been holding up well now that your visits to the doctor are not as often? You mentioned he was concerned about certain areas he had spotted on your MRI— you called them ghost spots."

"He's not as concerned anymore." Since the Mind Flayer had convinced Alex the first time he had left her mind, Dr. Sam Owens of Hawkins Lab had done multiple tests to ensure her safety. After spotting these areas on her scans, he had ruled them out as damage the Mind Flayer had caused and would heal over time. It was a mistake to assume it was only damage, but he didn't know the Mind Flayer had lurked further into her mind. Not until the Fourth of July. Then after that, he kept a careful eye on her, having her visit the doctor he set up in Hawkins for her to visit and send over her scans. There was nothing there and just as last time, he was convinced.

"That's great," Ms. Kelley smiled. "I bet it's a relief to not have to visit the doctor as often." She had seen Alex nod and continued. "And how are the nose bleeds? Any more headaches?"

"Only when I wake up," Alex said nervously. Ms. Kelley had been on her about getting proper sleep, but Alex never listened. "When I wake up it happens."

"And your sleep schedule, I assume we're still working on that?" Again, she watched as Alex agreed silently. "How about the nightmares? When you are sleeping, that is."

"I-I don't know. I don't know the last time I had a normal dream."

"I think you should discuss with Dr. Owens the issues you've discussed with me. It would do you some good to get a doctor's opinion on the matter given your past issues. Waking up with headaches and nose bleeds is not normal, Alex. It's a concern I can no longer ignore. I know you said he's not worried, but symptoms from that trauma to your brain can hurt you. Not just physically, but mentally as well. It must be draining for you."

"I'm dealing with it," Alex said with a frown.

That was again something Ms. Kelley would not accept as an answer. "I'm sorry, Alex, but this is not something you can just deal with on your own. I think you should seek some help on the matter."

"You help me."

"Unfortunately I cannot help you with everything like you want me to. The best person to help you with this situation is your doctor. I can help you with your grades and work through your personal issues, but this is out of my hands. But I also want you to consider a therapist after you graduate. Our time together is nearing an end and I want what's best for you." Taking a slip of paper out from Alex's folder, she handed it across her desk. "These are some of the best therapists in Hawkins I think you should look into. Some are my own personal friends and I know they would put in the same care I do for you. After looking through, you can always talk to me about your choices and I can introduce you."

Alex stood up with the paper in hand. Looking down at it, she felt herself grow even more upset. None of these people were like Ms. Kelley. They had a relationship she could count on. Now she was expected to let it all go. "I'll let you know."

"And talk to Dr. Owens for me, Alex. Let him know how you're doing too."

She turned her back to Ms. Kelley, thanking her as she headed for the door. There was nothing that was going to get her to talk to Dr. Owens because she felt that he would never know what was wrong with her. He could look into it the rest of his life, but this was all new to him. No one had gone through what Alex did and already he had failed in helping her. So she would just deal with it. It's what she has been doing and so far, she felt it was working out for her.