HIS PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE

☀︎

NOVEMBER 11th, 1985

BACK BEFORE A NEW CURSE SPREAD ACROSS HAWKINS, IT WAS MONDAY EVENING AND THE TIME TICKED ON IN SILENCE. Sitting on Alex Henderson's bed alongside her had been Steve Harrington and a box of pizza. They were quiet and it was a comfortable silence that felt natural to them. Tonight had felt a bit different to Steve. He felt that despite having a great day together, she was trying, almost forcing, herself to keep going with the day. This is why the two had settled on ordering a pizza and canceling the rest of their plans for the night.

Alex leaned across her bed, taking another slice for herself. Her eyes never looked away from her book and all Steve could do was lay across her bed and watch. A fool that was lost in love was a perfect way to describe him and he didn't mind it whatsoever. As long as he had her. "I love you," he said, interrupting the silence they sat in.

She had finally taken her eyes off her book long enough to meet his eyes. The smile she gave him was genuine, never forced. "I love you, too." Closing her book, she leaned forward and set down her slice of pizza back on the box. "I'm sorry if this isn't what you planned tonight. I know you wanted to go to the movies."

"No, this is great." Sitting up, he moved his way over to her. Inching closer, he wished to feel her against him and soak in the warmth and comfort that she gave him every day. Any gaps between the two were cold and lonely.

She couldn't help but pout in return. He was absolutely right. Being together was always great. Even if they had sat in silence the entire night, never exchanging a word, it would've been better than never together at all. This was easy and Steve was willing to accommodate to whatever she wanted, whatever made her happiest. Lately, that meant staying in and hiding away from the rest of the world. He wished he knew it then, but Alex was changing, and not for the better.

Steve reached out and placed a hand on her knee. His eyes had stayed down on his hand, gently running his thumb back and forth. He didn't want to go home tonight. All he wanted was to stay with her right here for as long as it took for her to be happy again. He knew she was hurting every day and he wanted to be there for her as she healed. Helping her when he could.

It was easy for Alex to let herself forget about things when she was with him. He just naturally made it better. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she leaned forward and kissed the top of his head. "Let's do this forever. Hide away," she whispered.

He turned to look up to her and his heart had taken over, "You know what, Henderson, forever sounds pretty damn good." Leaning back, he surveyed her room with a frown of approval, "Yeah, I think we could make this work. Might have to get more of my stuff in here." Leaning back towards her, he allowed his hand to inch up over her knee, finding a new place to rest.

Alex wished that's how it could be, forgetting the outside world and running away from everything that hurt her. She wanted to run away with him and hide from the horrors that Hawkins often faced, horrors that scarred her. However, Hawkins wasn't so willing to let Alex Henderson do such a thing. The world was slowly coming to a stop and neither of them was prepared for the dominos that would fall to lead to that very point.

That first one fell tonight and it all began with a touch.

He moved his hand up her leg, keeping his eyes on her. She was only in an oversized T-shirt, done for the day and ready to soon call it bedtime. Picking himself up onto her knees, he maneuvered his way closer, giving her no room to hide away. She didn't want to either as she was the first to place her lips against his. Grabbing ahold of him, she gently pulled him down with her, letting her head rest against her pillow as they stayed locked in with one another.

This was better than any movie was all Steve could think when his hand had moved its way up under her shirt. His body stayed closed against hers, never wanting to pull away until that perfect moment.

Steve had broken apart from the kiss as he sat up, grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his head. Those moments away from one another had felt further than they could stand. As he had leaned back down, she reached her hands out, desperately grabbing ahold of him to bring him back down to her. The way he had touched her, it made her feel something different. She couldn't feel the way she normally did whenever he had been there with her. It was as if he had taken away all of that pain in those moments. They were a blissful escape from the world.

When reality did seep in, it made that craving only stronger. Her hands never left him as she forced herself to come to a stop when a realization hit her. She turned her head off to the side, leaving him to keep his lips pressed to her neck, searching for anywhere else to place them.

Alex shut her eyes to keep control over herself, but her hold on his hair tightened the more she fought. "Steve," she moaned which only excited him more as he pushed against her. Forcing herself to stay focused she spoke his name in a clear whisper to keep him at bay long enough to have her say what was on her mind. Understanding, he pulled away, hovering over her, almost nose to nose. "My mom and Dustin are here," she whispered, "We shouldn't."

He didn't think twice as he left a single kiss on her lips before meeting her eyes once more. "I don't see them." When she had rolled her eyes with a laugh but didn't pull him back towards her, he had to think quickly. The moment was fleeting before their eyes and he was unwilling to let it pass. Reaching across the bed, he grab ahold of the radio and slammed his hand down on it. Immediately following, music blasted out, filling the silent void around them. It was Alex's favorite song at the time, the one he always made sure to play in his car whenever he was with her-- Hammer to Fall. There was never a doubt that it would be the song she would have on her radio. It was always the same-- loud and able to drown out any noise. No one ever thought twice when the song played because she played it all the time.

Steve Harrington was glad he had decided to not go home. Just for those moments. Those moments he got to have her so close to him. There was no other moment he would cherish more than tonight. Losing everything he had with her was a nightmare he wished to never live, one he never saw coming. As far as he was concerned, Alex was everything. She was his past, present, and his future. Tonight proved that to him. His lips never left her body, craving another taste while his hands traveled over her. Skin to skin and panted breaths.

Time continued to tick by and the radio fell silent not too long after they did. For those few moments, it was peaceful, how it was supposed to be as that clock was nearing midnight.

November 11th was never a day Alex Henderson could escape. It was always a horror that clawed at the back of her mind, haunting her daily. Being with Steve did not act as a shield against that anniversary of the nightmare. Two years ago, she allowed the Upside Down into her life as she crawled through a gate in the bottom of a tree to follow Nancy Wheeler into hell's mouth.

Alex was used to the nightmares. They were mild and never led her to believe they could be real. She could still fall asleep at night and know she would wake up safe in her bedroom. Tonight was different.

Tonight something dark and evil had worked its way back into Hawkins, inviting himself in to break her apart for his own desire. An obsession became sickening, desperate to be as close to her as Steve Harrington got to be. This monster didn't crave her touch, he longed for the trauma of Alex Henderson, soaking in her grief, loneliness, and blame, and he was desperate for more.

She was none the wiser of his presence as she stood in her nightmares. Her bare feet dug into the cold, hard ground of the Upside Down. The acidic air filled her lungs and the world around her was frozen in time. It was a home away from home. Now she stood in the deep woods, and the growls and clicks of the creatures lurking behind called out to her. They were welcoming her back home.

Zipping over the tree tops had been the bat-like creatures as they screeched, a sound worse than nails on a chalkboard. It hadn't been until the warmth of her tears had hit her feet that she realized she had been crying. Her hands traveled up to her ears, cupping them, pleading with the world to stop the noises.

Out in the distance of the trees, a dark red fog had opened up its arms to her, asking her to come forward. Crawling from the thick fog, a Demogorgon had emerged. Its mouth had stayed closed, barely opening as it greeted her with its low snarls. Slowly, it rose to its feet, standing tall against the trees.

She only wished to run away and hide. Fleeing was her only option and as she turned her back to the monster, she spotted her. Nancy Wheeler hid behind a tree, watching Alex with tears in her eyes and a finger pressed to her lips. The growls had come to an eerie silence as the monster hunted for its prey, and Alex was desperate, no longer to save herself, but her friend.

Her hands stayed at her side, almost hunched over as she crept her way over towards Nancy. Hiding behind the tree from the Demogorgon, Alex reached her hands out to Nancy, grabbing ahold of her arms to keep her focused. Fear was no longer an option when it came to someone she loved. "We need to find the gate out of here," she whispered.

Nancy met her eyes but they weren't hers any longer. Behind them was an empty shell of a human. Despite the tears clouding her eyes and the frightened look on her face, it wasn't the same Nancy Wheeler Alex knew. She was willing to look past it as long as she knew Nancy could make it out alive. "Nance, come on."

Nancy stayed in her spot, her mouth slowly opening as her chest rose and fell increasingly the more panicked she became. "How could you do this to me?"

Alex was unsure what she meant as she made a pull at her again, desperate to get out. "We need to stay together, okay? I'll get you out of here."

Nancy yanked her arms free, stumbling back away from the tree, tripping over a root as she landed on the ground. However, her fear never lingered towards the Demogorgon, but the person in front of her. "How could you do this to me? To all of us?"

Alex fell to her knees beside her, her tears unknowingly spilling over as she desperately pleaded for Nancy to stop and come with her. As Alex's hand lay on top of Nancy's, a blood-curdling scream escaped Nancy's lips as she pulled away, screaming for Alex to stop.

Alex's blood ran cold as she scrambled to her feet as she backed away from Nancy in worry. Words couldn't form as she grew increasingly terrified of her surroundings. The snaps of twigs and branches out in the dark forest hadn't mattered when Nancy Wheeler was only afraid of her.

A new fear emerged when Nancy's panicked expression fell into a cold, empty stare. Tears were left stained on her face and in return blood began to drip down from them. Where her beautiful brown eyes once sat was nothing left but dark empty sockets. "All of this is your fault," Nancy stated as she got to her feet.

Alex couldn't begin to feel herself breathe, her blood was cold and her chest grew tight. Her heart was numb in fear that someone she loved so deeply could ever be in as much pain as she had been. Stumbling back, she searched for a way to escape Nancy as she continued to taunt her. "You're the monster," Nancy called out, rising to her feet.

Alex shook her head, swallowing hard as she turned over. The place once haunted with monsters from the unknown had been all those she loved— dead and alive. All of them raised a finger at her, nothing but the never-ending darkness of their empty eye sockets and blood that spilled over. There wasn't an escape as they claimed her to be the monster, the one that killed them all. She had done it to those before— Barb, Billy, Jim Hopper, and she was left to do it to the rest of those around her. They blamed her for everything after that gate had opened between worlds.

Sobbing, she begged for them to stop, apologizing for the pain she's caused them all. Yet they advanced and November 11th had created a new trauma for her. Whenever she'd see her friends, whether out in the world or in her dreams, she would remember how they blamed her and called her the monster. Alex Henderson was the curse that flooded Hawkins and they would hunt her the moment her eyes closed for that revenge.

They continued to reach for her, wishing to only take her with them to the other side. A dark and twisted path was laid out for her and all they wished was for her to follow with them, escape the hero's journey she set for herself. There was an unimaginable suffering that wrapped tightly around Alex. She sobbed silently inside her mind. Out in the real world, she was covered in a cold sweat, unable to wake as Steve Harrington lay beside her, fast asleep and unaware of the pain she suffered from within her mind.

Yet somehow she fought. She worked to push away that evil. The evil being within the Upside Down that called for her and the trauma she held onto. Within the Upside Down, Alex Henderson was a wanted woman. Someone who so easily escaped from this dark being every time he had felt he had a grasp on her. This being had felt that this time around was different. That he could finally whisk her away and end the suffering. After all, he saw a lot of himself in her. It saw the pain, the suffering, the way a darkness had spread throughout her. It only made him want her more.

It couldn't have her. She wouldn't let it.

Whenever he had reached for her, she had always managed to slip away, fight against him. Even if she didn't see him, she would always find a way to be at a further distance than him. This time, as he had made a grab for her, he had awoken a fear inside her that she would allow to take over and flood every corner of her mind. With that final push to fight against him, she slipped away from him in time to awake back in her bed with a blood-curdling scream.

Her heart beat fast as she clutched her chest, feeling that darkness wrap around her. Blood had stained the lower half of her face from a battle within her mind. Even in the safety of her bed, she began to sob and when Steve went to grab her, she pulled away. At first, all she could see was the empty sockets of his eyes, unable to tell the difference between reality and the dream. This fear had her desperate for an escape as she fell out of her bed and pressed her back against the wall.

A panic had begun to set in him as he crawled over her bed and hopped off, crawling across the floor to her. There was a desperation in his voice as he asked her what was wrong. When she couldn't return an answer, there seemed to be no choice but to plead with her that he was there and it wasn't to hurt her, but she couldn't hear over the fear that consumed her.

The blood from her nose had passed down, staining her neck and collar of her shirt as she sat there with her eyes closed and her hands pulling at her hair, begging to wake from the nightmare. The way she had screamed and cried, no music could tune it out. Nothing, however, had been louder than when Alex demanded something from Steve that she had never said before. "Go away!"

He was startled at first, a pain he never felt before had taken a hit to his heart. Yet he still reached for her which was a mistake within itself. Alex was eager to get away, unable to look at him. Had she done so, she would've seen that this was her Steve Harrington, not the one that hunted for her alongside all of her friends within her mind.

Kicking herself away, she moved down the wall, escaping his reach every time. "Get out! Leave me alone!"

Getting to his feet, Steve raised his hands in the air as he backed away from her. "Alex, come on, it's... it's me." The pain in his voice had caused it to crack. She didn't notice as she relived her own personal hell tonight. "I don't care! I don't care! Leave me alone!" Scrambling to her feet, she opened her bedroom door to reveal Dustin Henderson poking his head out the door, exhaustion in his eyes as he rubbed them awake. When he heard his sister scream once more at Steve to leave, he perked up, unsure what had happened.

Making his way towards her door, Steve held onto his shirt and apologized profusely to her. He wasn't sure what had happened or what he had done, but he knew it was best to do as she asked than force her to talk to him. He wasn't even sure how to feel himself as she pushed him towards the front door. It didn't even give him the time to answer as Dustin and her mom had asked what had happened. All she had done was scream for him to leave.

At the front door, she reached around him, unlocking the door and pulling it open. "Go!" Her demands were clear as she gave him another push out the door. Steve had stood there on the front step, watching as she slammed the door in his face. It wasn't until he was left in silence that a part of him had finally broken.

After Alex had slammed the door, she held onto her ears as she ignored the demanding questions of her family. She couldn't stand to listen to any more blame tossed her way, even though all they wanted was to see she was okay. All she could hear was the chant of those that blamed her for their deaths and their sufferings. Instead, she marched herself back into her room and slammed the door shut behind her.

Dustin was wide-eyed and confused as he approached her door. All he could understand was that this was an unimaginable pain he felt in this moment. Alex was always kind, she was the one who taught him to always be that kind of person. He looked up to her because he loved who she was, the way she acted, laughed and enjoyed life even if those around her hated her.

This wasn't the sister he knew she was. At her bedroom door, all he could hear through the muffled music that played through her radio was her sobs into her pillow as she relived her nightmare over and over again, fearful to ever fall asleep again. He may have not known what had happened between the two, but he was hurting himself to see her as she was. Alex rarely ever got mad and when she did, it was never as angry as she was tonight. His confusion had shifted as he grew scared. Something was wrong with his sister and there was no one that could help her. No one that could ever understand the horrors of her mind and the suffering she dealt with every day.

When the sun had risen, Alex continued to lay with her eyes open. Her breathing never slowed and her mind never quit racing. All she could do was replay that nightmare and wonder if one day it would be a reality. She questioned if she could be the monster.

She had gotten up from her bed quietly, making sure to wake no one in her house as she came out of her room. Making her way to the front door, she unlocked it as quietly as she could. As it creaked open, piercing that silence, she hesitated, waiting for one of the others to emerge from their rooms to check on her. When neither had, she stepped out into the cold autumn air and took a seat on the step. It would be a while, but she knew Steve Harrington had work the next day and she had a feeling he wouldn't be able to go there after what she did to him without finding some answers.

As the sun continued to rise, she learned to accept the cold as it was. It was a cold that he could easily take away from her and it was a cold she would soon have to grow used to without him. And just as she predicted, pulling into her driveway was Steve Harrington. His heart raced to see her sitting there but as he pulled himself out of his car, his heart sank when she kept her head focused down, unable to look at him.

He was quiet as he approached, unsure where this conversation would take his day. He hoped it was one they could easily move on from and never have to think about. Yet as he sat, he saw she scooted away from him and knew this wasn't one he could ever forget.

Keys dangling in his hands, he watched his feet waiting for her to say what was on her mind. A part of him was afraid that if he did speak, she'd pick up how she felt last night when he did so. This time around she was crying silently, keeping her eyes away from him, scared he would notice. "I had a nightmare," she whispered.

He gave a nod, that much he guessed. "It's okay," he began gently but she shook her head immediately.

"No, it's not. It's never been okay," her voice was strained, fighting against the bubble that formed in her throat, begging to begin her sobbing once again. "I-I can't explain what I saw... and... and I didn't know if I was still dreaming or not. I was... I was so scared." As she spoke through her struggled words, her voice broke, terrified to recall the feelings that consumed her last night. The decisions she made through the night stuck, unable to change her mind with how she felt. "I don't think we should be together anymore," she whispered.

He turned over to her, wishing for her to look at him. It's all he ever needed was to see her eyes. This pain he felt was none like any other. He's been heartbroken before and he's sworn to never let anyone else hurt him again and now he sat there on Alex Henderson's front step. He didn't want to cry and let her see how badly she was hurting him. "Alex, it was a nightmare. We can... we can get through this."

"No," she choked out, wishing it wasn't so hard for her to do such a thing. There was no one she loved more than Steve Harrington and to do this to him was awful. Yet as she did it, she couldn't look at him to see his pain. "I need to be alone right now. You have to... you have to understand that."

"No, I don't want to understand this, Alex. This is... it was just a nightmare that scared the shit out of you. It didn't mean anything."

Alex placed her head in her hands, her fingers disappearing within her hair as she curled them anxiously. "No, no, that's crap," she stated, unwilling to let him convince her otherwise. "It was real. It was... it was real to me."

The problem had been that there wasn't a way to show how real it was to her and there was no changing that. Rather than fight her on it, he reached out, wanting nothing more than to comfort her but as his hand gently found its way onto her back, she turned away, not allowing him to even attempt to touch her. She didn't believe she deserved the comfort or the warmth he filled her with. Letting his hand sit back onto his lap, he felt breathless, his jaw clenched, wishing that this was his own nightmare he could wake up from. "Do you still love me?"

Alex pulled her head out of her hands, yet still, she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "What?"

He shook his head as he ran a hand through his hair, letting a huff of air escape between his lips. He couldn't bring himself to ask once more, afraid that he would get an answer that would break him apart. "I-I don't know, Alex. I just don't understand how you can say it was real. I'm real." He pressed his hand to his chest, his voice growing soft as the pain wrapped around him. "I love you, Alex."

Alex wiped at her tears only for them to replace just as quickly. Sniffling her nose, she lifted her head, looking out at the road in front of them. "I love you, too, Steve. I-I do." As she spoke, her voice quivered and she wrapped her shaky hands around her arms to keep herself warm. Once used to the cold morning, she now found herself wishing she could feel warm again. "But I can't hurt you. I can't."

"You could never hurt me."

Alex wanted to believe him, years ago she would have. Now more than ever she felt that no matter what she did, she would hurt him. All she could do now was let him go and let him feel this smallest bit of pain now than put him through far worse. "I'm not changing my mind," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

Steve bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself in check. For now, he had to believe that tomorrow would be different, that after some time Alex would be able to think clearly and want him back in her life. He longed for that moment to be sooner than later.

Standing up from the step, Alex debated saying something, possibly changing her mind and accepting that he was all she needed to get through this. That would have gone against everything she believed because if she loved him, she would have to let him go. Protecting him from the wreckage she always caused those around her was what would be best for him. Opening the front door, she headed back inside without another word.

Steve flinched at the click of her front door closing, feeling that he gave up on her for letting her go as she wished. She was the only one he could ever love and behind that front door, she was hurting in a way no one could ever imagine. Just that easy, he let her walk away to hold that hurt on her own. Now alone, he finally let those tears that clouded his vision to spill over and allow himself to be vulnerable. No one could ever see the heartbreak she caused him.

Standing up from the step, he was quiet as he headed back to his car. That's how he would be the rest of the day. Not once had she looked at him, not once did she see the pain he held onto in those moments. He felt guilty for blaming her, knowing she was hurting more than he ever was— hurting enough to do this to them. Everything in Hawkins was the same, yet nothing could ever be the same to Steve Harrington. For him, it hadn't mattered because the person he once saw in every moment of his life had left him and Alex Henderson was no longer his future.