eleven then and now

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          THE SISTERS OF ARCANA REFUSED TO LEAVE HER MIND. Prue, finding her in the bathroom of the Christmas dance, wanting so desperately for her to join their cause...it plagued her mind in every waking moment as she laid on top of her bed waiting for her dreams to finally take her and when she sat eating cereal in the morning by herself.

She had so many questions about it – what were they? Prue – who she didn't even know if she could trust because the girl was a stranger asking her to join like a cult or something and that was not trustworthy at all – said that they wanted revenge on the Elders. Well, so did Evanora. Maybe not revenge, maybe just a huge fuck you but...well, okay, maybe she did want revenge.

Maybe she did want to make the Elders pay for not looking further into what killed her mother, who was an Elder herself. Juliana Hathaway had been on the Council since little Evanora Proserpine (yes, her middle name was Proserpine and it was fucking awful) was five. And, apparently, she was a great one. She had to be with how much time she devoted to being the Council rather than being a mother.

Evanora couldn't remember many family moments with her mother, who was always working instead of spending time with her. It was obvious she didn't think highly of her daughter, seeing as she gave her a witch first name but a demon middle name which was a large juxtaposition if you asked her, and wanted to spend as little time with her as possible.

It was weird. Sometimes, Juliana Hathaway loved her daughter. Evanora could remember her mother humming softly as she brushed through her daughter's hair, holding her hand as she got a cast on her foot and was crying because of the pain, spending her last moments casting a protection spell over her. But Evanora could also remember the long nights alone, feeding herself because her mother was gone to God knows where, could remember missed birthdays and stern faces expecting more. Turning away from her daughter as if she was looking at a demon, a mistake from her past.

Did she want revenge on the Council for not caring about her mother's death? Did she want revenge on the Council for taking away her mother at a young age, leaving little Evanora Proserpine alone? Yes. She absolutely did. She wanted them to pay because Juliana Hathaway had devoted her entire fucking life to the Council and yet they weren't looking into it the way they should, they just didn't care.

They didn't care that one of their own was dead, they didn't care that Evanora lost her mother, but she never actually had her in the first place. Juliana cared so much about her work as an Elder, but the Council didn't care about her in the same way.

Fuck the Council.

Fuck Elders.

But did she want to join an organization she barely knew anything about and could be a cult (because it seemed very cult-like right now) based on this little desire that was fueling her bones and keeping her alive? No. She still valued her friends over revenge, still valued her life over revenge.

She wanted revenge, but she also had a life outside of this fueling burning desire inside her. She had Tommy and Diana, she had the lovely soft Maggie. She had Colleen, even if that didn't seem as important as her friends. But Colleen was trying now, she really was. She had gotten a Christmas tree and they had decorated it together and she made cookies without any prompting or complaining for the first time since Evanora met her.

She was trying, and that was important, it was something at least. So maybe she wanted revenge, Prue was right, but she was not willing to let that consume her. She was better than that right now with so many other things in her life. She could do without being in a cult at the current moment, thank you very much.

"Hello, earth to Nora," she blinked, looking up at the amused Maggie. Right. It was movie night and she was supposed to be focused on watching The Nightmare Before Christmas and not The Sisters of Arcana.

"Hi," Evanora smiled back at the girl.

"You were zoning out there," Maggie sat down next to her, a little too close but not close enough, a bowl of popcorn in her hands that wasn't there before, "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing," she was quick to shake her head because explaining a witch cult member came up to me last week asking me to join their cult was a lot to unpack. God, she really wished that Maggie actually knew she was a witch so she could talk to her about this because she sure as hell was not going to bring it up with Colleen right now when they were trying. No, but fucking Marisol didn't want her kids to know so now she was left dealing with these thoughts herself.

God, Marisol was so fucking selfish. All she needed was to talk to someone but the only other witch she knew around her age who also knew they had magic was Prue and there was no way that she was going to track her down. And there was no way she was going to talk to Colleen who would freak about the cult wanting to oppose the Elders and then spill all to them. Evanora was still weighing her options so there was no way she was going to let the beans spill and get Prue and her gang imprisoned or whatever the Council does to punish people.

So Evanora was left alone with her consuming thoughts and the only person she wanted to talk to was Maggie, who had magic but it was bound and she didn't know about it which fucking sucked for Evanora. They could be cute witch girlfriends but noooooo, Marisol had to be selfish.

(And yes, she was aware that there was more problems with her assumption that they would be cute witch girlfriends, but she could only deal with one problem at a time and right now that was her lonely thoughts.)

"Sorry, it's just not the right time to talk about it," Evanora leaned in because she couldn't help but take advantage of this situation where Maggie was closer than friends would be next to her.

Maggie frowned and she hated it immediately. "You can always talk to us, you know that, right?"

Evanora nodded. "I know that," Evanora reassured her, "It's just – I don't know, my mom and I always watched this movie every Halloween and every Christmas...and I guess it's just setting in that this is my first Christmas without her."

And that was sad and a good enough sob story to get Maggie off her case. It was partially true because that had also been nagging her since Christmas was the only time of the year where Juliana truly prioritized her daughter over everything else. There was no work – not with her actual job or the Council – it was just her and Evanora.

They would have Christmas together and it was the best time of the year and Evanora's favorite holiday because it was the only time she got her mother's undivided attention and she soaked it all up as much as she could.

But now Juliana Hathaway was gone and Christmas wasn't going to be their holiday together with nothing else interrupting them. Instead, it was going to be her and Colleen and she didn't know what that was going to be like at all, nor did she want to but she was going to find out soon anyway because she had to.

"I'm sorry," Maggie told her with sympathy dripping from her voice, "I can't imagine that, Nora, I'm – I shouldn't have pushed."

"No, it's fine," Evanora shook her head again because she didn't want to make Maggie feel bad. That was the opposite of what she wanted actually, "I should've just said that it was nothing again. I'm ruining the mood."

"You could never ruin the mood," Maggie assured her, giving her a small, hesitant smile since they were just talking about the fact that her mother was dead a second ago, "Diana and Tommy are making another bowl of popcorn to share, but I said that I was fine sharing with you. I promise I don't have cooties or anything."

Evanora laughed at her, eyes crinkling as she did. It was so light and airy and Maggie stared at her as she laughed before joining in herself and all of the attention was on her. She craved this so much from her mother, and here Maggie was effortlessly giving it. Maggie wasn't looking anywhere else, wasn't focusing on anything else besides her, and it was so casual. It wasn't coming once a year but now – all the time, and Evanora loved it.

She wanted to kiss Maggie now just because the girl was giving her so much attention so effortlessly. So casually, like it was nothing but really it was everything. She wanted more. She wanted it all. She wanted to kiss Maggie for this because she loved it so much and she liked Maggie so much, but she didn't. She just took a handful of popcorn to show that she didn't care about whether or not Maggie had cooties at all because she just liked her.

But she thought she would always regret not kissing her, because she wanted to so badly, and maybe things would have been different if she had.

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EVANORA LEFT MOVIE NIGHT WITH A HEAVY HEART AND A GIGGLE IN HER THROAT. She felt so high and light because all of them laughed and had fun, made fun of Christmas movies together and didn't take anything too seriously and it was fun because she had never done that before. They screamed at the TV, they asked questions, imitated characters, and it was something she didn't do before, back home.

Well, not home. That wasn't home now. Somewhere along the line the strange Halloweentown had become home and it was weird and calming at the same time. A town she refused to love, and still didn't in some ways, had become her home because she had people who cared about her, a guardian who didn't pretend to always love her but was upfront about her feelings, and she felt so effortlessly free but so tied down at the same time.

And in the same way while she felt so light and bubbly, she also felt so heavy. So defeated. Because Maggie had looked so beautiful the entire night, and she was so inviting and soft, like a nice baby pink, and she wanted to lean in her and kiss her, to see how her lips would feel. But she didn't because she was a fucking coward.

She was so scared to kiss Maggie even though she looked so inviting and was sitting a bit too close because she could be wrong and there were other people around and it could all go so terribly wrong and she didn't want that. She didn't want to ruin everything so it was better to do nothing at all, even if it meant her heart was heavy and part of her wanted to cry in some odd way.

When she got home, the lights were off everywhere in the house. It was late, far too late and if Colleen had still been up she was sure she would have gotten a lecture about staying out too late, but thankfully the woman was asleep so she was able to skip out on it. And she couldn't help but look around the living room as she turned on the lights.

It was decorated. A tree in the corner completed with lights, ornaments, and a star on top. It was complete and she had actually laughed with Colleen as they decorated, enjoying herself. They even played Christmas music as they did this. And there was a countdown to the awaited day on top of the fireplace along with a Christmas tree and Snowman music box.

Colleen had let her buy a Christmas pillow that said TIS THE SEASON and she loved it. It was ready for Christmas and she felt even heavier as the weight in their throat changed from a giggle but to an oncoming sob.

Juliana Hathaway had never decorated like this – never went all out. The holiday was important to both of the Hathaway women but it was always Evanora who decorated and it wasn't like she was going to spend all her money one year for a pillow or for music boxes to put in the living room to spread the cheer. There was a tree that they got together but Evanora finished off and completed, and there had been a blanket with snowflakes on it that Evanora also bought for herself.

Everything before had been through her effort alone, but as she looked around her new home and the living room she realized that this was a group effort for the first time. Colleen and Evanora had done this together, not just Evanora.

She closed her eyes, trying not to cry, because this was something pitiful to cry over. It was just a living room with Christmas decorations, nothing special, it still it held more charm than it had before.

And when she heard a faint Evanora clawing at her from behind, she did not fear, did not cower as she hissed out a firm NO! because she would not let this demon have her. She would not let this demon take her away from everything she had now and destroy her. She was not going to let Juliana Hathaway be her protector; she was going to protect herself.