Jacob has been crying again. Locked inside the bathroom he drowned his sobs in a gray towel held by shaking hands. Kevin left for work an hour ago, Jacob is alone in the apartment that now feels bigger than it actually is. Emptier. But even when Jacob is alone he hides his tears—and maybe, without wanting to admit it, he tries to hide them from himself as well. Almost as if no one else is there to see them, they never existed.

A small sniffle is left when red eyes finally meet the reflection in the mirror. How fitting; he looks as much of a mess as he feels.

"Fucking hell..." he whispers—voice all hoarse and dry, quiet as if no one should hear him curse. It's a bad habit after all, one Kevin has tried to stop many times since he's afraid he'd get too used to it, and accidentally spill a wrong word in front of the kids at work.

The thought of Kevin nagging him has a brief smile stroking across Jacob's face, but the bliss is as always fleeting, hard to catch—even harder to keep, and tears once again blur his eyes.

Jacob loves Kevin. Loves him more than anything in the world.

But it only makes the guilt inside of him grow stronger.

It grows, as Kevin slowly slips further away.

Yes, they live together. They kiss each other goodbye before leaving for work, and once in a while they cuddle up to watch a movie. But, months have passed since Jacob stopped trying to go further than that. To feel Kevin even closer. And it has been more than a year since they last were intimate with each other. Through more than half of their relationship they haven't been naked with each other, despite sharing the same bed every night.

Jacob is drowning in heavy waves of despair. He feels selfish, he is selfish, he knows that. He is the reason things turned out like this. He is the reason Kevin got disowned by his own family. The small box of Kevin's antidepressants is mockingly staring at him from the bedside table, every night, and every morning. Always reminding him why it's there.

Kevin and Jacob, Jacob and Kevin. Never one without the other. The perfect couple, as their friends would say. Jacob never disagrees, because of all things in the world, this is the one thing he wants to be true. It has to be true.

Even if it isn't.

It doesn't matter how much Jacob smiles, how much he loves or how much he tries—the medication in Kevin's blood will always be stronger. It will always win.

"You're so stupid, so, so stupid," Jacob whispers, clinging onto the sink, as if his life depends on it. "Stop being such a fucking stupid idiot!"

A scream is swallowed, forced down under the lump growing in his throat. Jacob loves Kevin, he really does. Even after all the tears and all the fights when reading the angry texts Kevin sends when he's in one of his moods—simply from being impatient with Jacob's long shifts at work, only for Jacob to finally return home, and the two of them doing nothing in particular together. In the end, it is better than doing nothing together, than not being together at all.

There has been no kissing outside their home, not even holding hands. All of Kevin's co-workers only know Jacob as Kevin's roommate. And it hurts, it really, really hurts. But Jacob understands why things have to be this way.

He understands... Right?

As he bites into his bottom lip, drying his eyes with the back of his hand, Jacob sighs. He used to understand, but lately the understanding has changed into confusion. Did Jacob misunderstand the true meaning to their relationship? Or, has he been lying to himself for too long now? Is his love for Kevin still strong enough for the both of them? Is it enough, to erase the missing intimacy, to make Jacob ignore how Kevin has lost interest—not only in Jacob, but in everything he used to enjoy. The piano in the corner has been left untouched for months, covered with dust and only playing in Jacob's dreams.

Is all they have left, simply the blissful memory living in Jacob's imagination? The idea even their friends believe in. They're the perfect match, the perfect couple.

Work is always stressful. It drains him until he feels dry and empty, but at the same time it fills him with so much joy that it is almost worth it all. And Jacob used to be able to handle it all. The long work hours, the night shifts that feel endless, and then going home to barely catch a glimpse of Kevin, as the latter leaves for his job at the kindergarten in the morning.

But then, something happened that caused the doubt to grow stronger than ever before. Jacob tries not to think about it, he really does. But it's hard, when his ex is working at the same hospital as himself. Ex, or whatever Lee Sangyeon can be classified as. Not that Jacob should even bother questioning that. Shouldn't even think about Sangyeon at all.

But he does.

And he hates it. Hates that he kisses Kevin good night, with an assuring smile for the both of them, that everything will be alright. That everything is alright. And then, he falls asleep, dreaming of something that happened years ago. Things he thought he had forgotten, things that shouldn't even cross his mind again.

That there is someone who is taking care of him.

Then, Jacob wakes up in the morning with guilt spread all over his body. He looks at Kevin still sleeping next to him—dark curls against white cotton, and that cute humming sound Kevin sometimes makes when he's asleep. The sun shimmers through the windows, stroking down Kevin's skin and throwing shadows from the lace curtains. Jacob feels sick, like he could throw up right then and there.

"So, how have you been?" Hyunjae asks, slowly stirring his coffee. The silver spoon clinks against the edge of the coffee cup, Jacob likes that sound. It's cozy.

But if there is one thing Jacob never thought would happen, it's feeling awkward in the company of Hyunjae. They have known each other since what feels like forever, shared everything that has happened in their lives. So how come today everything suddenly feels different?

Jacob peeks over the edge of his raised cup, Hyunjae is looking back at him from the other side of the small table—waiting for Jacob to answer his question.

"Ah, just the same old, you know? Pretty good," Jacob replies, but his voice turns a little too high-pitched at the end. He quickly shrugs his shoulders, adding a goofy smile. The cup clanks against the marbled top of the table as he puts it down again. It's a small café near Yongsan station, simple decor in earthy tones and the lovely smell of freshly brewed coffee is blending perfectly with the lie Jacob just told.

"Seoyeon is throwing Sunwoo a surprise party, wanna come?" Hyunjae then asks. Jacob remembers Seoyeon as sweet but kind of intense, they've only met a couple of times.

"When?"

"Next week, Friday."

"Actually, I-" Jacob pauses. It's been quite a while since he last went to a party. He's been stuck in a slump for so long now it has become all he knows. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad going out for once? Well, it isn't the first unexpected plan Jacob has made lately, so why not? "You know what, sure, I'll come."

Hyunjae smiles, but it is far from his usual bright smile. Silence for a moment, while both of them pretend to be busy enjoying their coffee. It is obvious there is much left unsaid on both parts, and as always Hyunjae is the first to give in.

"Jacob..." Hyunjae rocks back and forth on the chair, his face suddenly turns so serious. "You know the saying, if you love someone, set them free?"

It's been weeks since Hyunjae called Jacob up in the middle of the night. Jacob remembers how his heart ached at the sound of his best friend crying through the phone. But Hyunjae hasn't mentioned it since that night, despite his face saying more than enough. Needless to say, the fact that Hyunjae hasn't mentioned Juyeon for weeks now, should be a warning sign by itself. This, being the first time—although indirectly, Jacob gets the hint right away.

"Yeah?"

"You think it's true? Like, the right thing to do, I mean?"

Jacob gets that it's about Juyeon, he knows it is. Hyunjae's left hand fiddles with the hem of his shirt, eyes flickering around the café while the fingertips of his right hand lightly drum against the table. At a closer look, he appears to have lost some weight and the usual spark in his brown eyes is gone.

"I guess..." As the words leave his lips, Jacob suddenly feels a stinging pain in his chest, but he chooses to ignore it. For now.

They talk about nothing in particular afterwards, even though Jacob really wants to tell Hyunjae how he is falling apart inside. How the meeting with his ex, has fed the doubt that lives in his head. He wants to tell Hyunjae that Sangyeon asked him out for dinner, that said dinner is in two days.

That he said yes to said dinner.

That both his heart and head are about to explode at the thought of it. That he feels guilty, disgusting... But also excited.

It's just dinner, right? With a person he used to know, someone who just wants to catch up. A co-worker of his. It is no big deal.

But if it isn't, why does Jacob feel absolutely terrified?

If you love someone, set them free.

The stinging pain returns.

"So, what do you think?" Excited eyes sparkle into dimmed lights. Sangyeon puts down the guitar in front of him with a low, hollow thud when it touches the floor. His dark hair is unstyled, damp from a shower earlier and he sits cross-legged on the floor in his most comfortable clothes. It is truly a beautiful sight.

"I like it," Jacob says, deliberately shutting his mouth after that, just to tease.

He is on the sofa in Sangyeon's apartment, as he has been so many times he has lost count. Sangyeon rolls his eyes, demanding a more elaborated review of his newest song, and Jacob laughs.

"You don't like it, do you?" 

It's hard to say no, to say anything at all actually, when Sangyeon suddenly sits between Jacob's legs, looking at him with those beautiful eyes. Eyes, so deep that you could drown inside of them—and Jacob is dangerously close to doing so.

"I do! I think this is your best song yet. And I love your voice, you know that, it is amazing."

And Sangyeon really does have an amazing voice, and he is skilled with the guitar, Jacob loves listening to him play. Watching him, too, how his long fingers so effortlessly slide across the strings of the guitar. It gives Jacob goosebumps. 

It is Sangyeon's biggest dream, to become a singer, and not only inside his own home, or at a noraebang with drunk friends. Becoming a doctor is only his second choice, but his parents' first. So it's a given: he has to become a doctor.

They both smile, Jacob's fingers dive through damp hair, and he inhales the familiar scent of Sangyeon's shampoo. 

Everything, in fact, has become so familiar to him. 

The way Sangyeon's eyes form into crescent moons when he smiles, the soft way his laugh tickles in Jacob's ears. How he always holds the door, pulls the chair out and covers Jacob with a blanket when he falls asleep on the couch during study time. 

How Sangyeon always is there, ready to take care of him. 

It's all so familiar now, that it scares him. 

"Jacob?" Long, soft fingers with the most gentle touch sneak between Jacob's, slowly intertwining, and the ocean in Sangyeon's eyes is ready to swallow Jacob whole. "I love you."