Fear is a funny thing.

The first impression; uncomfortable, unwelcome. Jacob hated it, hated how it was always there—luring at the back of his mind. Pestering, nagging, taunting him.

It meant that Jacob had to smile brighter, hope more and love harder than he ever had. Scared that if he let the fear win, if he let his guards down—even just a little, even for a second—he would lose everything he and Kevin had fought so hard to build.

Now, Jacob still smiles a little more than his lips intend to, and every day he makes sure to love Kevin a little more than the day before. And the fear? It is still there, but Jacob now knows that as long there is fear, there is hope.

After all, a man without fear is a man who has nothing left to lose.

And Jacob has everything to lose.

A muted sigh hangs in the air. Nervous hands withdraw, catching sunlight filtering through white lace curtains. There are tears building up—ready to fall, later, when the time is right. Jacob feels the air filling his lungs, but he can't breathe. Silently, secretly. Alone, curled up on the bed he is suffocating, with nothing but the lingering, but empty, warmth next to him.

Click. The sound of the bathroom door locking is like thunder to his ears. Caught by a trembling hand, the first tear is quickly wiped away.

They didn't fight, in fact, nothing happened at all. And that is the exact reason for Jacob's tears. Nothing ever happens, nothing beyond a gentle kiss and a warm embrace. There are days Jacob tells himself it is enough. Days he can convince himself that it is.

And then there are days like today where he misses Kevin, even when he is right next to him. Misses how a simple kiss would turn into so much more. Sweet words melting on each other's tongues, and red marks down soft necks and naked bodies entwined on crinkled sheets.

Jacob sighs again, listens to the sound of the water running in the bathroom—to the subtle noises of Kevin roaming around, getting ready for work. Slowly, Jacob pulls his pajama top tighter around his body. He is selfish and he is greedy, he knows that, getting upset about things not even crossing Kevin's mind anymore. But sometimes, in Jacob's own darkest moments, he wonders if that isn't a problem as well?

It's been more than a year since they last were intimate with each other. One year of hoping and wishing that their love for each other was enough for them to get through it, together. One year of not even holding hands outside their own four walls. And Jacob misses it, all of it. All of Kevin.

But all Jacob can do is smile. Smile, smile and smile until his cheeks hurt and the tears have dried. Smile enough for the both of them.

On the bedside table, white with green lettering on it, is everything Jacob hates the most. The air stings in his lungs as he stares at the small cardboard box, and he feels anger—so much anger his skin is burning. Jacob wants to scream, rip the packaging apart and flush every little white pill into the toilet. But he knows he can't. After all, it is the only thing that keeps Kevin going now.

But it is also the very thing that numbs every emotion in Kevin's body. Good and bad. And this new medication is stronger than the last.

The door opens and Jacob pulls out his best smile, as Kevin returns to the bedroom.

"What are your plans for your day off?" Kevin asks him, although with his back towards the bed, while going through the closet.

Dark hair in tousled damp locks, and a last droplet of water running down Kevin's shoulder blade. Jacob watches from the bed, corner of his bottom lip between his teeth as he wishes he could be that small water drop.

"Eh, not sure," Jacob then shrugs slightly, pulling himself from his trance. "Might hang out with Haknyeon later."

"Oh, really? It's been a while since you last hung out, right?"

"Yeah, ever since he moved to Suwon, he's been so busy."

Kevin has changed into his usual work attire, a simple button down and a pair of gray checkered slacks. Jacob smiles at him, and Kevin smiles back, but not in the way he used to. Not in the way Jacob wishes he would. It's been so long Jacob sometimes fears the old Kevin is solely made up in his own mind.

"Tell Haknyeon hi from me, if you see him. I'll see you later," Kevin says, bending down towards the bed to kiss Jacob on the cheek, unaware how his lips will leave an invisible burn-mark on Jacob's skin.

"Have fun at work. I love you."

And Jacob really, really loves Kevin. Jacob will lend out his hands, until Kevin's are strong again, carry the world on his shoulders, until Kevin's legs aren't shaking anymore. Catch every broken piece of Kevin's heart and keep them safe inside his own.

Jacob will love hard enough for the both of them, for as long as he needs to. Until the world stops turning, and there is no more air to breathe in, no more sun to reflect in brown eyes and dance over dark locks.

Until then, and then a little longer.

He has to.

Another glass empty, Jacob slams it back down onto the table, vision blurred and cheeks flushed. His first year at Med. school is over, finally! One year of pure hell, of never-ending lectures, of words Jacob keeps forgetting the meaning of, and has to google each time they come up, and assignments that made him want to stab his own eyes out with a chopstick. One year might have finished, but five still remains.

"I'm dropping out!" he yells through the music, shaking the shoulder of his fellow student, and close friend, Ju Haknyeon. "I'm serious this time!"

"You've said that every day for a year now." Haknyeon isn't easy to convince, laughing into the foam of his beer at Jacob's misery.

"I'm fucking serious!" And although Jacob slurs every words coming up from his mouth, he is, in fact, fucking serious. In the current moment, at least.

Jacob knew Med. school would be tough. He had always been a good student, not at the top like Hyunjae, but still at a decent level, and although he spent high-school focusing on basketball, Jacob suddenly got an epiphany. He wanted to help others, not throw a ball around for the rest of his life.

Now, he regrets that decision. 

Grumbling he slumps in his seat in the crowded bar his classmates chose, to celebrate the long awaited Summer break. It is Summer indeed. Even with the aircon turned up on max, the air inside the bar is still thick and humid. Jacob can feel how his hair is sticking to the back of his neck, just like his shirt is to his skin.

"Where are you going?" Haknyeon instantly asks, when Jacob suddenly gets up. The wooden stool wobbles from the sudden movement.

"Just out for some air."

"Well, hurry! Heard some of the fourth year students are joining. And try not to trash talk school too much when you get back."

Jacob waves Haknyeon's words off as he staggers through the bar. He knows a few of the older students, although only peripherally at best — and having to suck up to his seniors tonight, wasn't in his plans at all. 

"Hyunjae-ah!" Jacob yells into his phone, the moment his call is answered.

"Oh my God, why are you yelling?"

"Can you come pick me up? I wanna go home..." Drunkenly, Jacob stumbles around outside the bar, dragging every word into a whine. 

"What? No!"

About to protest, another voice blends in from the background on Hyunjae's side. Deep, laughing. Velvety. Jacob's brows quirk up, and he can't hold back a chuckle. Hyunjae's forever-crush on Lee Juyeon has been a secret to anyone but Jacob, for years now.

"Who's that? Is it Juyeon? Ooooh!"

"We're just playing Call of Duty, okay? Shut up!" Hyunjae hisses the last part through the phone, and Jacob can easily imagine how Hyunjae's ears must be burning red. At least he isn't around to smack Jacob with one of his slippers for teasing him.

"Well, I'll let you get back to your game then," Jacob laughs, "have fun with your Call of Booty!"

"I already told yo-"

Jacob hangs up, cutting Hyunjae off from complaining further, and the chuckle lingers as he slides the phone into the back pocket of his jeans. 

A wall of noise and thick air hits him, the second he walks inside again, and his smile fades. The closer he gets to the table, the more he has to hold back an obvious roll of his eyes. The older students arrived while Jacob was outside, one even occupying the seat next to Haknyeon.

Biting his tongue, Jacob stands quietly next to the table, index-fingers awkwardly hooked around the belt loops on the back of his jeans. 

"Ah, seonbae-nim, I'm sorry but... That was my seat." Jacob quickly bows as he speaks, avoiding the scowl from Haknyeon for being rude to a senior. In his drunken mind Jacob doesn't care much though — after all, it was better than the initial 'dude, get your ass out of my seat' he was ready to let out.

"Just go sit over there," Haknyeon whispers, as he leans back to cover his words from the older students. "There's a free spot next to Saerom."

Yes, Haknyeon is right, there sure is a free spot next to Saerom, but that would also mean having to sit next to her, and Jacob has spent the last year avoiding that. Saerom is a petite looking girl, with big eyes and pretty hair, but she is also absolutely, fucking annoying. A little miss know-it-all, kind of condescending at times, and constantly waving her hand above her head, causing every lecture to drag out. The Hermione Granger of SNUCM.

"I'll go to the bar first," Jacob mumbles before shoving his way towards the bar.

Drumming his fingers against the wooden counter, he peeks back at the group. With a sigh, he knows Haknyeon has been right the numerous times he's told Jacob he needs to loosen up. The stress from the past year of studies has taken its toll on him, and he has become more cynical and easy to annoy than ever before in his life.

"Hey," a voice suddenly says next to him, causing him to flinch. "You also study at SNUCM, right? Saw you talking to the others over there. Sorry for the party crashing."

Jacob frowns. He isn't familiar with the guy standing next to him, and so, he settles with simply staring for a while. Handsome face and slicked back hair. Broad shoulders under a white shirt and leather jacket. Perhaps Jacob stares a few seconds too long, dangerously drawn in by dark eyes looking back at him, and the way full lips suddenly pull into a cheeky smile.

"Yeah," Jacob then mutters.

"Yeah?" the guy laughs, his eyes disappearing into crescent moons and a perfect set of teeth nearly blinds Jacob's eyes. "Yeah, as in you study at SMUCM, or yeah, as in you think we're party crashing?" 

The stranger laughs again when Jacob responds with only silence and a dumbfounded look on his face. A lingering stare, mutual this time. Curious eyes and the corner of full lips raising with the same curiosity. Jacob stares back, straight into deep brown eyes — into something that feels new but familiar at the same time. A gentle smile, testing waters, and Jacob does the same. 

"Help me carry this round of pitchers back to the table?" the stranger asks, and Jacob just nods. "I'm Sangyeon by the way. Lee Sangyeon."

Another typical Monday afternoon. The bitter tasting coffee from the machine in the staff room, and a sloppy sandwich Jacob forgot in the fridge yesterday, while a small yawn creeps over his lips.

"Did you meet the new doctor over at E.R. yet?"

He looks up, questioning, at his co-worker, Jisun, standing by the coffee machine. Her dark hair in the usual tight bun, and the light blue scrubs matching the one Jacob is wearing.

"No? Why?" he asks.

"No?" Jisun scrunches her nose at the answer. "Weird. He asked about you the other day, I assumed you knew each other."

"I don't think so?"

"Too bad," she sighs, dramatically, as she always is—and Jacob loves her for it. "I hoped you could put a good word in for me. He is hot as fuck !"

"Language, Jisun! Well, what is his name?"

Another sip of the coffee, at the worst time possible. Jacob burns his tongue and throat, nearly spitting coffee out right onto the table, when a name he hasn't heard for years echoes in his ears.

"Lee Sangyeon."

The days have become a blur. The only indication of time passing by, is the season slowly changing. Burning hot summer days turn into cooling autumn evenings — beer on the rooftop changes into red wine on the bedroom floor, and warm bodies tangled up in white sheets.

Even in the autumn, Jacob is still burning hot. Stuck in a daze of deep kisses and greedy touches all over his body. Of being pinned against the bed, defined abs pressing against his own far less impressive ones, and his hands seem forever lost in dark hair that slides between his fingers like silk.

"Sangyeon-ie~" A small whine, instantly captured by a soft tongue twirling around Jacob's own. "W-we should study."

"Aren't we already?" Sangyeon chuckles, softly but teasingly, lips traveling down Jacob's neck. Sucking, kissing, leaving gentle bites that make Jacob swallow a moan. 

"If you call this anatomy study again, I swear I'll kick your ass."

"And how are you planning to do that, if I tie you up?" 

Sangyeon simply chuckles again, his warm breath tickling against Jacob's neck, like the persistent moans caught on his tongue. Thumbs circle his inner thighs. Higher, higher, higher, until his head spins and body arches all by itself. It's like a dance they have practiced over and over again. Jacob knows every step by now, so well he doesn't even have to think, his body reacts instinctively to every touch, every kiss, every deep thrust that makes him see stars. 

And tonight is no exception.

Autumn is spent mostly at Sangyeon's apartment. Jacob listens to the songs Sangyeon likes to write in his spare time, watches from the sofa while Sangyeon sits on the floor with his guitar. The songs aren't bad, but not too good either — but it doesn't really matter. 

Lee Sangyeon is nothing like those silly boys Jacob has fooled around with before. He is older, more mature. Way sexier. 

And he cares, perhaps a little too much. It's breakfast in bed, and encouraging texts when winter finals arrive. Comforting hugs and a cup of Hot Cinnamon Spice, while the snow is falling outside the windows. And it's all so sweetand so perfect, and just so Sangyeon.

As easy as breathing. But still, something is missing — and Jacob has to realize that it might be within himself. That it might be too easy.

When winter has fully set in, the two of them have been going out for almost four months. Not officially however, possibly not even unofficially. Unlabelled, a secret Jacob both loves and hates to keep, but it was his decision for it to stay that way. 

"I-I don't think we should see each other anymore." It hurts to say those words, more than Jacob thought it would. Every word has to be dragged over his tongue, burning like acid.

"What?" 

"You, you heard me..." As his voice falls into a whisper, his eyes can no longer stay focused — they leave Sangyeon's questioning look, and it hurts.

It really fucking hurts. 

And it wasn't supposed to.

But Jacob wasn't supposed to say those words either, not right now. Not when Sangyeon has spent all day preparing a dinner for the two of them. Not when there are candles on the table, and soft tunes on the stereo. Not when Sangyeon has just finished his last exam of the year, and the dark shadows under his eyes are finally starting to fade. And not now, when the hope is glistening in deep brown eyes, and it is almost too tempting to simply dive right in.

Not now.

But then — when? 

"I'm just... I'm not ready to actually date someone." His head drops towards his chest, hands covering his face in embarrassment and self-loathing. Jacob has a bitter taste in his mouth, but he has to say it. Has to end it. 

"Babe." Big hands cover Jacob's own, pull them aside, slowly and gently as everything that is Lee Sangyeon. "Is it because of the thing I said that day? I already told you, I'm in no rush. I just... I just wanted you to know how I feel."

"It's not that..." 

But it kind of is, and it also kind of isn't. Jacob bites his tongue as tears fill his eyes.

It's a mess, a big, horrible mess. A complete chaos of thoughts piling up inside his head. Sangyeon came out to his friends and family years ago, but Jacob has only ever told Hyunjae about his own preferences. It's scary to even think about, but so is being in a committed relationship. 

So, when Sangyeon said the big three words two weeks ago, Jacob was scared to death.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

"I'm sorry, Sangyeon. It's over."

Jacob comes out to his parents one month later. 

The only thing they're disappointed with is him being single.

And it takes Jacob another three weeks after that, to realize that he loves Sangyeon too. 

But by then, it is too late.

"Jacob Bae?" It's the voice of a stranger, but still familiar. Too familiar. Jacob stops in his step, right outside the entrance of the hospital. The sun beaming from the sky, blinding his eyes that have gotten too accustomed to the artificial lights, after a 14-hour shift at the hospital.

Breath gets stuck in Jacob's throat, hand clenching around the strap of his shoulder bag. Weeks went by without running into Sangyeon at work. The hospital is big, but apparently not big enough.

"Yes?" he hesitantly says, as he turns around.

"It's been a while."

And it sure has been a while, but Sangyeon looks just the same, although with the black leather jacket changed out for a white doctor's coat instead. Dark hair slicked back, silver-framed glasses and a face as handsome as ever—like a real life k-drama doctor.

Hands stuffed into the pockets of the white coat, Sangyeon slowly steps closer. The sun hits him just right, enhancing the already strong features of his face that has matured in all the right ways.

"How have you been?"

"Good..." Jacob hesitates, nervous in a way he didn't expect. "How about you?"

"Good too, thank you. Say, why don't we go out for dinner sometime? Would love to catch up with you."

"I-I have a boyfriend!" Jacob slaps his hand towards his mouth the second the words leave his lips, scared that he just came off too presumptuous.

A thick brow quirks, and Sangyeon chuckles—the same warm, heartfelt way he used to.

"Well, congratulations," he then says with a smile. "And since we are doing random announcements, I'm actually engaged."

"Engaged?"

"Her name is Hayoung."

Her ? Jacob nearly chokes on his own spit.

"O-oh !"

"So, dinner? For old time's sake."