On the windowsill in Juyeon's apartment, is an old picture frame. A wooden frame painted gold with small, intricate details and a fine layer of dust on the top. It's the first thing the sun touches in the mornings, and the last to reflect the warm hues of the sunset at night.

It was on a sunny Sunday morning, just like today, in early May—Juyeon remembers it clearly, as his eyes trace around the carved pattern. Hyunjae was smiling like any other day, excited to show Juyeon his favorite flea-market in Dongmyo.

Dark blonde hair gleamed under the sun; Hyunjae led Juyeon through the maze-like street. Antique store upon antique store, with dark interior and filled to the brim, and street vendors at their stalls, wearing colorful visors and fanny packs stuffed with crumbled up Korean Won bills.

Juyeon had recently moved into a new apartment, and the day would be spent going on a scavenger hunt with Hyunjae, searching for some home-decor. Hyung, can you help me? Juyeon had asked, covering his true intentions with the compliment about Hyunjae's sharp eye for details. It was in fact correct, the part about Hyunjae, but Juyeon was only looking for an excuse for the two of them to hang out.

At that time, life got in the way, way too often. Hyunjae was busy with his studies at SNU, and his part-time job at Caffe Bene, while Juyeon had recently dropped out of KU, and tried his best to find himself while taking a job at a popular bar in Hongdae. Their schedules didn't match, but on that miraculous day in May, they finally did.

"Oh! What about this?" Hyunjae asked, pulling a golden frame from an old box stuffed full with picture frames.

Hyunjae looked up, glistening eyes and a proud smile at his find, and Juyeon smiled back.

"It's perfect," he said, and the butterflies in his stomach fluttered. Of course, he wasn't only talking about the frame.

It was indeed perfect, and so was the time back then. Before the first kiss. Back when Juyeon had to settle with lingering stares at Hyunjae whenever they hung out, and the fantasies in his head where Hyunjae's lips felt as soft as they looked. Back when he still dreamt of how wonderful it would be, if brown doe eyes framed by long lashes would look at him—and him only.

On the windowsill in Juyeon's apartment, is a photograph. A photograph he sees even when his eyes are closed—carved into his memory, like the pattern on the golden frame around it. He looks at it when he is happy, he looks at it when he is sad. When he is angry, stressed, or simply just because.

Like today. Morning sun shimmers through the dusty window, and coffee is brewing in the kitchen, while lazy fingers slide along the armrest of the sofa. Juyeon stares until his eyes feel dry—stares at the photograph he knows all too well.

It was a rainy day, a high-school trip to Jeju during their graduation year. Jacob took the picture, Juyeon remembers how all the classmates were crammed together in a small restaurant on the last day. He remembers the smell of fresh seafood, the loud voices of the ajummas in red aprons, and the sound of heavy rain drumming against the windows.

"Say cheese!" Jacob had said from the opposite side of the table, instantly clicking the button of his disposable camera.

"Wait, no! I wasn't ready!" Hyunjae whined, as he ruffled his, back then, dark hair—trying to save it from the curly mess the wind and rain had caused. "Why can't you use your phone, like a normal person?"

"Never claimed to be normal, Hyunjae-ah."

Jacob and Hyunjae bickered for a moment, playfully, as they often did. They had been friends since elementary after all. Hyunjae-ah... Juyeon wished he could call out for Hyunjae in such a casual manner, but he was too scared to even try, like his tongue couldn't twist in that particular way at all. He was LeeHyunjae, the most popular boy at school, smart and kind, with eyes like crescent moons when he smiled, and the most contagious laughter. Next to him, Juyeon felt like nothing but a simple shadow.

"Come on, just take a new one," Hyunjae was gesturing aggressively towards Jacob, who laughed from his side of the table.

Jacob Bae. If Juyeon had to be honest, he felt a bit intimidated by him. Jacob and Hyunjae stuck together like glue, but still, Juyeon only knew the basics about the other. Like how Jacob moved from Canada with his family when he was 10, spoke not only Korean but also English and French, and that he was on the basketball team. Juyeon thought Jacob was so cool.

And although Jacob had been nothing but kind, Juyeon couldn't quite figure out whether it was because of Hyunjae, or if Jacob was actually genuine. So, Juyeon still flinched, whenever Jacob passed him by in the hallways of school, with his friends from the basketball team.

"Fine, are you ready this time? I'm not going to waste my entire film roll on you," Jacob then said with a grimace, and before Juyeon could react, he had Hyunjae's arm around his shoulder. He was pressed against the older boy's side, inhaling the scent of summer rain and the faint hint of cologne Hyunjae often stole from his father's cabinet. Jacob's camera clicked, the flash went off, and to Juyeon time stood still.

That was the day Juyeon realized he had fallen in love with Lee Hyunjae.

Juyeon had admired the class president since the day they met. Who wouldn't? Hyunjae was nice to everyone and he was a beautiful boy, already back in high-school. Girls giggled when he passed by in the hallways, and while Hyunjae never seemed to notice, Juyeon surely did. And he was envious. Envious that some day Hyunjae would notice, and Juyeon dreaded the day where Hyunjae would introduce his first girlfriend.

Ever since Juyeon had to transfer schools for the third time due to bullying, only to end up bullied once again. Ever since he got beaten up outside of school during lunch, simply for being the new kid. A repetition from his previous schools, he was weird, he was too feminine looking, he was shy and he was awkward. Ever since Hyunjae found him hiding in the boys' bathroom, crying and trying to cover the bruises with his hands, humiliated that the popular Lee Hyunjae had to see him like this.

Ever since then.

It was all about Hyunjae.

Juyeon's hero, his best friend, his first love.

And to this day, still, the photograph from Jeju is standing on Juyeon's windowsill.

But today, with a nasty hangover and an even nastier taste of regret spread in his mouth, tears blur his eyes as he looks at the photo.

"Don't think of me at all then."

Lines were crossed last night, lines that shouldn't have been there in the first place, because the other side should never have existed. There were tearful eyes, and a broken heart scattered on the sidewalk, waiting for Juyeon to pick it up. But the fear, the goddamn drowning fear, had won. Juyeon found himself lost in the waves. Blinded, he tried to reach the shore, but he couldn't find it.

Last night, he lost everything he ever wanted.

"Have I ever kissed you when I was sober?"

No. I'm too fucking scared to even try...

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Juyeon cries—whispering at first, growing into an aching growl as his body bends over. Fists clenched tightly, slamming repeatedly against the sofa until his knuckles turn red. "I'm sorry! Fuck!"

Fingers through dark hair, pulling until the roots scream, and lips quiver while tears stream down his face. Next to him is his phone, and although his hand itches to pick it up, his mind is empty for what to do next. What should he say? What can he say?

He already said too much. All the wrong things, words he never meant. Horrible words that echo in his head, just like the way Hyunjae looked at him in the dark alleyway.

Juyeon cries, he cries and cries, and fucking cries, hoping the rivers of tears will eventually drown him.

He cries, more than he did when he fell off a swing and broke his arm when he was seven, more than any of the times he was bullied as a kid. And Juyeon cries harder than he did, after the beating he got, when his father caught him holding hands with a boy in his room when he was thirteen, before forcing him to change school for the third and last time.

All of this was before Hyunjae, and after meeting him Juyeon thought he would never cry like that again. But here he is, wrapped in an equal amount of self-pity and self-loathing, bawling his eyes out on the sofa, on an otherwise sunny Sunday morning.

"Happy New Year, hyung!"

Juyeon is cheerful, perhaps slightly drunk too, as he withdraws his eyes from the view outside, of fireworks lighting up the dark sky over Seoul. It is flashy and grand, just like the outfit Younghoon talked Juyeon into getting for New Year's. The outfit, which is left at home, and Juyeon is instead wearing his most comfortable pants, and favorite t-shirt, while sitting on the floor in Hyunjae's one-bedroom apartment.

"Happy New Year," Hyunjae softly smiles back. "I'm sorry you have to spend it at home with me. Are you sure you don't want to go out? I'm sure you can still make it. Younghoon probably misses you."

"No, it's okay, I'm perfectly fine with being here." Sparkling confetti, from the confetti cannons they popped way too early, falls from Juyeon's hair, like rain of shimmering gold, as he shakes his head as an answer. He sure is perfectly fine, staying with Hyunjae, who didn't feel well after a rough semester at Uni. He does look tired, Hyunjae, although just as adorable as he always is, wearing an oversized hoodie—one so big it gives him sweater paws, with gray sweatpants and golden confetti in his hair, matching Juyeon.

A small piece of confetti twirls down, lands on Hyunjae's cheek, close to his lips, and Juyeon's eyes follow. Oh, for how long has he longed to feel those lips against his own? Definitely way too long, and again tonight he wonders if they would feel as soft as he imagines. They probably would, it's Hyunjae after all. Perfect, wonderful, amazing Hyunjae, and Juyeon is dying inside, as every word he has ever wanted to say to him, is burning at the tip of his tongue.

Juyeon loves Hyunjae so much it sometimes hurts. Hurts, to think about how Hyunjae probably doesn't feel the same. Hurts, to imagine the day Hyunjae will fall in love with someone who isn't Juyeon. But Juyeon is selfish, and he is greedy, deliberately avoiding asking Hyunjae about a potential love life, knowing it would break his heart into sharp pieces.

But Hyunjae has never questioned how Juyeon has never had a girlfriend either, and Hyunjae has never known how Juyeon might have flirted with a ton of girls, but never taken one home — never seen one naked, never even wanted to. He would rather be all alone, drowning in loneliness and jealousy, than being with someone who isn't Hyunjae.

Sometimes Juyeon also wonders if he is mistaking romantic and platonic love for each other. If his friendship with Hyunjae is in reality just that. Friendship.

A long sigh of sheer delight, Hyunjae throws his head back to look out the window. Extended neck, blonde wavy locks tucked behind his ear, and lips slightly parted he admires the fireworks — completely unaware that Juyeon admires him just the same.

Once again, Juyeon is mesmerized, eyes narrowing as they takes in every second of Hyunjae next to him. What Juyeon wouldn't give, to feel Hyunjae's lips. On his own, down his neck, chest, everywhere. Skin against skin, and Hyunjae's golden hair between his fingers. Rip that hoodie right off of him, pin him against the floor... Heat rises in Juyeon's body, as the thoughts go feral inside his head. Hyunjae would surely feel disgusted, if he knew what his best friend thinks of him, and Juyeon is silently drowning right next to him.

What would he even do, if those absurd thoughts in his head actually became real? Inexperienced in not only love, but also intimacy, Juyeon feels ashamed of himself.

One thing is suddenly certain to him, in his haze of Soju where only Hyunjae is clear to him. He definitely loves Hyunjae, in more than a platonic way... But just to make sure, there is only one way to find out.

"You know, in some countries people kiss each other on New Year's," Juyeon says, surprised when the words actually leave his own lips. Maybe he drank too much. The bottles of Soju on the floor show more empty than full ones after all.

Instantly, he looks away. Why would he even say that? And when so obviously staring at Hyunjae's lips at the same time... The Soju glasses clink, when Hyunjae pours them another shot, slightly hitting the bottle against the edge. Definitely tipsy, and he empties his glass without waiting for Juyeon.

"Really?" he asks, licking a small droplet of liquor from his lips, and Juyeon swears he is going insane.

"Yeah, saw it in a movie once." With a shrug of his shoulders, Juyeon mumbles quietly, as he glances at Hyunjae again, before pulling away to stare out the window—doing what he can, to act nonchalant. "I mean... They just say Happy New Year, and then they kiss. You know, not a big deal."

"Hm," Hyunjae calmly hums next to him, but his next words take Juyeon by surprise. "Wanna try it?"

Their eyes meet. Hyunjae's skin is washed over by the colors exploding outside the window, and slightly flushed from the Soju — and Juyeon assumes he looks just the same, himself. Shaky hands and heart about to burst, both of them move closer at the same time, so close Juyeon can feel Hyunjae's warm breath against his lips.

And just like that, it's all fireworks behind closed eyes, and shining confetti and lips as soft as in Juyeon's dreams — and everything is, in fact, perfectly fine.

"Hey, sorry I'm late!" Still catching his breath, from sprinting up the stairs at Irwon station, Juyeon forces a smile over his lips.

The tears have dried, but the pain is still there, like a tight knot in his stomach where butterflies used to flutter. But now it only hurts, whenever he thinks about last night. Juyeon shivers, although the wind is warm around him. Is he making a mistake, being here today? Maybe he should have stayed at home, but he needs a distraction, and this is the best option. Well. The only option.

"Don't worry Juyeon, I've already learned that punctuality isn't your strongest suit." A soft chuckle, cracking a little in the summer breeze.

As their eyes meet, the eyes Juyeon has come to know only a few weeks ago, he has to swallow the painful reality standing in front of him. Juyeon swears he isn't a bad guy, but somehow he has ended up wrapped in nothing but problems and lies, and he can't tell anyone, no matter how much he wants to. Not even Hyunjae. Definitely not Hyunjae.

Not yet.

Someday, he will. When he has made up for his mistakes, when he has gathered the courage to come clean about everything. When he isn't scared of his own feelings, and when he has become the person Hyunjae deserves, and needs. One who can love him, protect him, satisfy him. Someday. Hopefully, someday soon.

A nervous hand fidges in the wind, when it's caught by another. One, more calm than itself.

"Why so nervous? It's not like it's your first time anymore."

"I know... I guess it just takes some time getting used to actually doing this, you know?"

"Mh." A simple hum, and a hesitant smile mirrored on each other's face as the two of them walk the short distance towards their destination.

Juyeon catches a whiff of perfume, one he knows all too well by now, one that makes him feel both calm and sick at the same time.

That certain feeling only grows bigger, at the entrance standing tall in front of them. Juyeon scouts the surroundings, checking that no curious eyes are watching them as they enter.

"Thought you said you'd hold back last night?" Juyeon questions, with a brow raised, at the sight of red marks on pale skin, while the elevator takes them to the eleventh floor.

"Don't worry, I still have energy for today."

"I sure hope you do."