Inside Hyunjae is a monster.

A horrendous beast with emerald green eyes and blood-dripping sharp teeth. It eats Hyunjae up, feeds on his aching heart, and grows bigger with every frail emotion poured straight into its vile mouth.

It starts with a subtle itch in his nose, then the eyes. Hyunjae can already feel the tears, already taste the salty drips on his dry lips.

And Juyeon?

Juyeon has no idea.

In the far too familiar setting of flickering lights and nauseating candy-like shots, Hyunjae is hurting in silence. But he knows he can't blame anyone but himself, no one forced him to go—although at this moment, Hyunjae feels like no one actually wants him there either.

One hand slides so effortlessly, too naturally, around the waist of the girl next to Juyeon. A beautiful girl, with long brown curls and pouty cherry lips.

Hyunjae is within a hand's reach of familiar slender fingers and silver rings—but tonight they are not reaching for him.

"Guys, this is Jiwon. She is one of my co-workers."

Juyeon smiles when Hyunjae really wishes he wouldn't. Not at her, not at the girl who unknowingly has stolen everything he's ever wanted. Even if it's only for the night. A smile so bright, enough to wake the monster from its shallow slump.

"Sexy, huh?" Younghoon's voice is always a simple, yet annoying buzz in Hyunjae's ears, and tonight is no exception. But Hyunjae nods, although only once, just to play along.

Just to pretend that he doesn't care about the whispers exchanged between Juyeon and the girl—about the way Juyeon slowly leans in, closing the gap between them, extending the one towards Hyunjae.

The backwash of an ocean wave, leaving no prints in the sand. 

As if it was never even there to begin with.

Lips brush against dangling silver earrings glistening under flashing neon lights. A smile, a giggle, it all puts pressure on the act of pretending like Hyunjae doesn't care.

Of course he cares. Of course he sees all of it. He sucks it in, like the air that stings in his lungs. All of it. All of the things that will never be his. Adoring eyes and hands entwined on the dance floor—right there, for everyone to see, and for Hyunjae to burn in alone. His own personal Hell.

And all Hyunjae is left with, is the dream-like memory of last weekend. Maybe he had been too tired to really fathom what was happening. Maybe, it didn't happen at all. Hazy eyes mirrored the vulnerability in his own. Eyes, filled with every word he so desperately wanted to finally slip from Juyeon's parted lips.

Juyeon kissed him, held him, and looked at him as if he actually needed him. Wanted him. But, when morning came, and Hyunjae woke up with only the sun stroking his face, he was alone. His hand reached out towards nothing but the empty spot next to him. Juyeon's scent still lingered in the air, like the touch of his lips on Hyunjae's own.

Nothing happened, yet everything changed.

Hyunjae is the shore.

Drenched but empty, waiting for Juyeon to wash over him like he used to.

The monster inside of him is thriving, as he sits frozen in his seat. Back pressed against the wall, eyes unwillingly searching the dance floor. Searching for eyes that are anywhere but on Hyunjae. There are no fleeting touches under the table, nor any bedroom-eyes sent through blinding neon lights.

And all Hyunjae can do is watch, while he gets drunk on jealousy and self-pity.

In a dirty bathroom stall where the air is heavy with a stink of piss and vomit, and the walls are covered in drunken doodles and foul words, Hyunjae cries.

Deafened by the electronic beats, by the heavy bass shaking the entire place, Hyunjae's tears become violent sobs. Each and every one of them hurts, stumbling over each other, choking him. The tears stream down his face, onto his shirt, but he doesn't care.

Hands grasping at nothing, head tilted back against the wall. With blurred eyes Hyunjae wonders, how can love hurt this way? He tastes the salty tears blending with the self-loathing on his tongue. The bitter taste that makes him want to throw up, until all the pain has left his body.

Every breath burns, as he heaves for air, fighting as if it will be his very last breath before he drowns in his own misery. And his heart, his stupid, foolish heart—fuck , it hurts so bad. Hyunjae fists his hand around the fabric of his shirt, right there at his chest. Right where his heart is beating while falling to pieces. Right where Juyeon used to place soft kisses in the moonlight.

Hyunjae leaves the stall with red eyes and a stained shirt. But under the artificial, too yellowy lights he can easily be mistaken as simply being too drunk.

And so, it shall happen.

"Hyung?" It's Juyeon, looking at him the way he always does. Like he has no clue at all. "I thought you left."

It's more of a statement than a question, or maybe it's what Juyeon had wished for—for Hyunjae to leave. If Juyeon wants to go home with that girl tonight, then who is Hyunjae to stop him?

"I'm about to," he replies, avoiding the wondering gaze set upon him as he washes his hands.

"I'll walk you out."

"Are you okay?"

Warm evening air blends perfectly with Juyeon's voice. Twirls around Hyunjae, embraces him the way he wishes all of Juyeon would. But he doesn't, of course not.

"Why?"

"Just wondering."

"Okay."

A small pebble skips along the concrete, set off by Hyunjae's shoe. He follows it with his eyes, hands stuffed into the pockets of his thin coat. A heavy sigh falls, echoing over Juyeon's lips as well.

Laughter and music come from all around, but between the two of them is nothing but silence.

Hyunjae clears his throat, but there are no words he wants to speak. Not to Juyeon. Perfect, wonderful and heartbreakingly handsome Juyeon.

Juyeon, who stands just as awkwardly, with his hands in the back-pockets of his ripped jeans, and his eyes glancing towards the sky. Juyeon who holds Hyunjae's heart, without ever asking for it. And maybe it is Hyunjae's own fault that his poor heart now is kicked away and left forgotten, like a small pebble on cold concrete.

"Hyung..." Dark hair falls over feline eyes, but Hyunjae still feels the stare burning him up.

"Hm?"

"Are you sure you're okay? Did you drink too much?"

There is a scoff ready to jump from Hyunjae's lips, but he swallows it. Just like he used to do, with everything that is Lee Juyeon. And Hyunjae has definitely had too much.

Too much of this bullshit, of stupid games he doesn't know the rules of. Too much of unsaid promises and kisses only meant for the night.

Too much of Juyeon.

Maybe he should stay quiet, let the words wander off solely in his mind, as easily and silently as the mild breeze stroking his face.

But he can't.

"I can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean?" A frown. Juyeon looks confused—of course he does. Gorgeous and oblivious, as he always is.

No . He has to be aware of what he is doing. He simply has to. Hyunjae feels the rage, it's filling him up, pushing at the back of his teeth.

"You know what I fucking mean!"

Tears. Fucking, stupid tears. Blurring Hyunjae's eyes, clinging to his lashes—about to fall.

"Hyung..."

A hand reaches out, silver rings and soft fingertips, but Hyunjae pulls away. He has to. He stumbles backwards, maybe he drank too much after all.

"Don't-" His voice breaks when he does. Shaking and powerless, Hyunjae lets the first tear fall.

Quickly, he dries it away with the back of his hand. But his guards are down, and Hyunjae flinches, at warm hands suddenly cupping his cheeks and midnight eyes catching the hold of his own.

"Hyunjae..."

It's a fleeting moment, but a moment nonetheless, when Juyeon lets his guards down as well. When he lets go of all the things Hyunjae hates the most—and all that is left is the adoring way every part of him softens, when he looks into Hyunjae's eyes.

Like he actually cares.

Juyeon is so close now, so close Hyunjae can inhale everything he has fallen so fatally in love with. Gentle strokes from soft fingers try to calm him, and for a moment it works.

But then.

"Fucking faggots." A deep voice calls out as a group of men pass them by. One of them spits onto the ground, right next to Juyeon's shoes. "You're fucking disgusting!"

Guards up and hands slipping away, Juyeon steps back immediately.

"No, sir, h-he is just my friend. And he isn't feeling well. Please, just leave us alone."

Then Hyunjae sees it. The panic, the embarrassment that is painted with thick strokes across Juyeon's face. The way his skin turns pale and jaw clenches, as he frantically tries to comply with a stranger's idea of social norms, rather than Hyunjae's feelings. And Hyunjae definitely isn't feeling well. It cuts through him like nauseating flashes of disappointment.

Hyunjae has had enough, he definitely has. With no hesitation he spins on his heel and storms down the street.

"Hyung, wait."

But Juyeon is just as fast. A hand grabs Hyunjae by the arm, and pulls him into a dark alleyway.

"Just go back inside, Jiwon is probably waiting for you."

"She's just a friend."

"Just a friend?" Hyunjae snorts angrily. "Like I am just your friend?"

"Hyung, please, stop."

"No! No, Juyeon, you need to stop! She's just your friend? Does that mean she has seen you naked? Does she know what your lips taste like? Do you touch her like you touch m-"

"I said stop!"

And Hyunjae desperately wishes he could. Stop the pain that unfolds inside of him, and the tears that won't stop rolling down his flushed cheeks. Stop his heart from breaking every time Juyeon is close to him.

If only he could. If he could travel back in time, and stop before their very first kiss.

If he could, maybe Juyeon wouldn't be looking at him the way he does. Maybe his midnight eyes wouldn't have been filled with rage, with disgust. And maybe, they wouldn't have looked away, with a frustrated groan following.

"You can't even look at me..." Hyunjae whispers through his tears.

If he could have stopped, before his lips became familiar with the touch of Juyeon's, and his skin accustomed to the gentle strokes drawing invisible pictures across his body. Stop, before he fell so recklessly in love.

"Don't... Don't act like I'm the bad guy here!" Juyeon suddenly steps back, shaking his head repeatedly; letting his dark hair dance like a shadow over his eyes.

"W-what do you mean?"

"Come on," Juyeon scoffs. He is angry, and Hyunjae has never seen him angry before. "I know how much you hate clubbing. And it's not like you try to hide how much you hate being in one."

"What is your point..."

"Have I ever kissed you when I was sober?"

"... No."

"Guess you get my point then."

"Are you serious?"

It isn't a scoff nor a chuckle, although it can easily be mistaken as one. It's the strange in-between where every emotion clashes together and makes Hyunjae's voice shake.

"Are you accusing me of only going out, so I can get you into bed when you're wasted? You really think of me like that? Like... Like some fucking creep?"

Hyunjae can't breathe. Juyeon's words are choking him, slowly but surely.

"I don't know what I think of you anymore..." Juyeon sighs, arms raised only to fall to his sides again. And he looks at Hyunjae, glares at him with empty eyes and a simple but heartbreaking shake of his head.

In the dimmed lights from a nearby light post, Juyeon's features seem even sharper than normal. Like every edge of him is ready to cut Hyunjae if he dares coming too close. Little does he know that he has already cut Hyunjae into pieces.

Disgust is a bitter taste on his tongue, and Hyunjae can't swallow it to make it go away. Disgust towards himself, and the thought of the kind of person Juyeon views him as.

The last softness of his voice is cut open like a bleeding wound, hoarse and stuttering, as he forces the words over his lips.

"Don't think of me at all then."

Tears are inevitable, they flood Hyunjae's eyes, stream down his cheeks like wild rivers, and he can't stop them, even if he wanted to.

About to break completely he turns around and storms down the street. In the distance he hears Juyeon call out for him, but he doesn't care.

"Hyung... Hyunjae. Wait. I-I didn't m-"

Hyunjae wants to run until his legs give in. And so he does. Through the streets where food carts and drunk people keep blocking his way. He wants to scream, until only silence comes out, and cry—until there is nothing left inside of him.

Until he forgets. Forgets the touch of Juyeon's lips, forgets the way their fingers entwined so perfectly. Forgets the way Juyeon looked at him tonight, filled with disgust and disappointment, and everything they never were.

Hyunjae looks back, out of breath he stares into the ocean of unfamiliar faces. But he doesn't see the one he is searching for, even now.

The one, who was never the one.

How can he ever fix this?

Maybe he can't.

Wet spots on his pillow, and a trembling hand fumbling to find his phone. Hours later, but there is no rest to find for the heartbroken. Overwhelming pain fills his chest, digs into his heart with every hoarse sob and scream drowned in his pillow.

Blurred eyes blink to set the tears free. The dial tone echoes in his ears.

"Hyunjae?... Hello?"

"Jacob... I've fucked up... I've ruined everything."