[ long rant ahead. you can skip this if you want. ]

OKAY SO IMAGINE THIS : 

you're at a football game, it's a little past 8pm, and your friends sent you with money to grab snacks at the concession stand. after ordering their candies & drinks, you go back to the spot where you were just sitting, but they're gone. 

you find them sitting somewhere else, secluded from other people. when you approach them, oh no !!! 

they're talking shit about you. 

this happened to me. september of 2019. 

at first, i didn't know what to do. there's more than one sarah in my school, but one of the girls in that friend group always referred to me as rosie. when i heard "sarah" and "rosie" being used in the same sentence, i knew they were talking about me. 

i threw their drinks & snacks at their backs (their backs were facing me) and bolted lmao. i called my other friend who stayed home that night, and went over to her house. 

i had so many missed calls and texts from them that night. 

so this is where it might get confusing, but i'll try my best to make it simple. i'll make up fake names for the girls :

the one i don't like the most is ross. then there's harper, alex, polly, and may i guess. 

all of them except alex texted me. harper told me that it was ross's fault and that harper didn't say anything mean abt me (which is a lie. i SAW and HEARD her call me a clingy bitch 🥰). polly and may were both apologizing and said they were getting caught up and other bullshit. 

ross sent me the most texts (it was up to 30 i think when i checked the next morning). she was saying that she takes responsibility and that she's sorry. but here's what i found hilarious !!! she said "you kinda needed to hear that tho" 

SIS I'M 

a person doesn't need to hear shit like that. it fucks with their head. 

anyways, after i left my friends house, i finally called ross back and highkey told her off. i said some mean things that were a bit unnecessary, but it felt good to yell at her. she yelled back tho and told me that i really am clingy and that i'm annoying. 

i remember she would always ask me why i was so quiet all the time. it was a lose-lose situation if you think abt it. did she want me to talk to her or did she want me to shut up, since i was so annoying? once, she even told me that i couldn't live without her or the other girls. 

she's the main source of my anxiety and my trust issues and my paranoia. sure, all three of those were there already, but she really deepened them. she made them so much worse. now when i'm talking to someone, i get scared. i'm afraid i'll say the wrong thing and scare them off, or offend them somehow. i'm scared i'll come across as clingy. i'm scared they'll leave me like everyone loves to do. 

after we hung up and i was having a ✨ meltdown + panic attack ✨ i texted the other girls and told them i'm not interested in being friends. i said smth to harper abt how she could've stopped it instead of encouraging it and we could've avoided everything. i told alex the same thing but she said smth like "i didn't do / say anything." like ma'am that's my fucking point—

i basically said my goodbyes and deleted their numbers. the only number i blocked was ross's. i occasionally get texts from alex asking how i'm doing & stuff but it's not like she actually cares. 

i decided to talk abt this cause polly texted me like two hours ago telling me that ross is moving to montana. 

it just brought up everything that i've had pent up idk. i feel like shit again and the anxiety i felt back then resurfaced and i can't breathe and my mom keeps asking why i'm crying. 

my mom doesn't even know btw. i never told her. she never noticed i don't hang out with them anymore & she never asked abt them. 

anyways. i'm sorry this is so long. if you read this far, thank you so much. this wasn't easy for me to write or think abt. thank you. 

ps i wouldn't recommend listening to paralyzed by nf while ranting abt your backstabbing ex best friends. especially when one of those backstabbing ex best friends introduced you to nf at the beginning of your friendship. 

you will cry. 

pps ignore any typos or grammar mistakes. i tried catching them as i wrote but you prolly found some anyways. 

okay nighty night luvs 💕🌙