05:02 a.m

to: kenma♡
i know it's early

and im sorry

im sorry for not texting you for a few days...

i...

i told my therapist about you

i spilled everything

all because when she asked me whether there was someone i love

i just couldn't lie and had to mention your name

she didn't need me to say that

you're not here anymore

she recognized your name from the news

so i spilled

i told her how we met

what we talked about

how i saved you and you saved me

and how

you gave up.

she told me many things i cant recall, my mind was blurred. i was just crying into my hands the whole time

but she told me

that you would want me to move on

is she right?

i think she is

and it hurts

because i can't come to terms with it

she told me to not text you for a few days, see how i feel

i want

i want to smile again

so i did as she told

i wanted to write to you many times

and finally i couldn't hold it

i didn't want you to feel lonely again.

tell me kenma

am i changing?

i still watch your window but at this point i dont expect anyone to show up there

is this me moving on?

is this me accepting?

please tell me this is what you want

otherwise i will end up falling back again

i really want to smile again

i want to smile for you

i want to laugh for you

im selfish

i want to keep all this pain and anguish for myself

i want to suffer alone

just like you did

but you wouldn't want me to

i realize that

you would want me to be better

to stand up

and walk forward

and yet im still curled up in a ball

crying whenever i think of your name.

delivered.