That night, with an old torch someone got us, we play a game that Prim and I invented one stormy Seam night a few years ago.

Our two families were huddling over at my small, ramshackle house under piles of covers and blankets. Every time a bolt of lightning hit, Posy would scream and cry. That was when Buttercup came to join the proceedings.

It started as a joke. I got a torch and put the beam on the floor for the cat to chase. But it ended up being sort of a game as it got Post distracted and everyone started to have fun with it.

And that's exactly what happens now. The people with beds near ours start to be interested in the cat (as they can't have pets and the only reason we have one is because of my Mockingjay deal), then they start to be interested in the game.

So I sit with the torch in hand, Katniss on one side and Prim on the other, slightly moving the torch every second when Buttercup is close to getting it.

But then... then...

I start to see a similarity between my situation and Buttercup's.

The cat is me. The light is Austin. I am Snow.

When I hold the light within his reach, he's guarding it, aggression in every fur on his face. This is how I've been since I left the arena, with Austin alive.

When I turn off the light, Buttercup's sad at first but moves onto other things eventually. This is, most likely, what would happen if Austin died. Or was killed.

But what drives Buttercup insane, is when I hold the light up on the wall, letting him into the idea of catching it but in fact leaving it very much out of reach. This is what Snow's doing to me now. And I hadn't realised it.

I sigh, putting the torch in Prim's hands and walking out of the circle of people. I see Finnick on his bed nearby, and I decide to go talk to him. Even if Annie's not being broadcasted on live TV, it doesn't mean that she isn't constantly on his mind.

I sit down beside him and say straight on. "Snow's using Annie to punish you. He's taunting us with them. I didn't realise until just now, watching that stupid cat."

He sighs, not looking at me and just to some point in the distance. "After your first games, I thought that your romance with Austin was an act. We all expected you to continue with that strategy, but it wasn't until he hit the force field and his heart stopped that I..."

"That you what?" I ask. I think back to that moment. I had been so worried and I had kissed Austin like never before (well, until the beach).

"That I knew I'd misjudged you," he says softly. "You do love him. I'm not saying in what way, maybe you don't know yourself but... anyone paying attention can see it."

And they can. I've been asked time and time again 'do you love him?' and I do. I really, really do.

But I hate myself for it.

Because if I didn't love him. If I didn't care... then I could let Austin go.

But I can't.

"I've misjudged you, too," I decide to say. "I thought you were just a shallow, Capitol loved, pretty boy. But... you're not. It was just another part of the act."

Finnick looks down as I continue. "I thought you had about five lovers at a time. I thought you loved it. But you didn't, did you? Your heart already belonged to someone."

He doesn't answer as I ask. "How do you cope with it?"

He laughs bitterly. "I don't, Willow! Obviously I don't. I drag myself out of nightmares when there's no relief in waking up but... it's better not to give into it. It takes ten times longer to put yourself together than it does to fall apart."

I sigh. He's right. He smiles slightly. "Just so you know, your little brother's amazing with a trident."

"Rory?" I ask. "How d'you know?"

"He was in special defence when I arrived to get the one Beetee made me. He asked me if I could teach him how to use one."

I smile. I don't know why, but I like the idea of Finnick and Rory being close.

"He kind of knows how to use an axe," I admit. "I used to take him out with me before... well... before all this."

Finnick nods, knowing what I'm talking about.

We talk about every subject under the sun, staying up the whole night, just getting everything off our chests. By morning, we're both hungry, but the food is limited in the bunker.

We go to the small dining area it has and find a tray of hot cups of tea. Finnick and I both take one eagerly. "Do you want a sugar cube?" He asks in his old seductive voice. The one I thought was his permanent one. I smile, thinking about how far we've come from the two people that were standing beside a chariot, chatting about jewels and secrets.

Secrets.

"No thanks, but I would love to borrow that outfit someday," I play along, pointing to his grey Thirteen uniform that once was just a fishnet that only covered his groin.

He grins. "Have we really come that far?"

I shake my head. "Doesn't feel like it."

Clutching our tea, we walk back out of the canteen. That's when I notice Gale staring at me from across the room. Looking from me to Finnick slowly. What? Does he think that there's something going on between us? We're just too broken people who the Capitol have played, stolen their loves and left them with nothing behind.

But fine. My idiot of a brother can think whatever the fuck he wants. I don't care.

Boggs appears behind us as we sit on Finnick's bed again. "Can you come with me, please, Willow?"

I look to Finnick, who's face says 'go' and get up and follow Boggs.

He leads me to the control room of the bunker, and there's only one person inside it. Coin. She yawns as I enter, her eyes with dark circles underneath them. You don't have to be a genius to realise that she's not slept a wink.

"We took their best shot, didn't we?" She asks me, sitting up straighter.

"Yeah," I nod, only saying one word.

"Your mother and siblings okay?"

"Yeah, they're fine," after you nearly locked them out.

"I need you to do something for us," Coin ploughs on. "I need you to tell Panem that we survived an attack from the Capitol with no casualties. And that we remain fully operational."

"Okay," that seems alright.

"You should know something," she leans forward. "We had eight extra minutes of civilian evacuation because of Austin's warning. And I won't forget that."

"So it did help?" I make completely, unmistakably sure.

"Absolutely," Coin nods. "Seconds count when you're under attack. Thanks to Austin, everyone managed to get into the bunker safely."

Prim, Rory and Gale. The three of them (and I) were seconds away from not getting into the bunker. If Austin hadn't warned us, they wouldn't've made it in time.

Add their names to the list of things I can never stop owing him for.

☘︎☘︎☘︎

Once I'm changed into my Mockingjay suit, Effie, Haymitch, Plutarch, Boggs, Gale, Cressida, Messala, Castor, Pollux, Finnick and I head up above ground. We're filming a propo about the attack.

"So remember Willow, it's 'Thirteen's alive and well and so am I'!" Effie shouts over her shoulder as we climb up and up to the top. I don't answer. "Willow? Willow?"

She sighs, and I can hear her eyes rolling from here. "Never one to waste it in rehearsal, I know," she sighs.

When we get to the top, we come out in between a few rocks. I look around at the rubble that lies on Thirteen's surface. It's too like Twelve to compare.

We walk down to a small hole in the rubble, a small circle, an alcove. I walk with Boggs but Gale, who's in front, gasps before I get a look.

The whole ground of the alcove is covered in white roses. And I can smell their reeking perfume from here.

I gasp and pick one up. "Why would they drop these?" Gale, who's behind me, asks.

I turn to him and answer. "For me."

"Ready to go, Willow?" Cressida asks. "We're gonna do this just like District Eight. Tell Snow about the roses. Tell Panem that Thirteen is alive and well."

Suddenly I realise. "He's gonna kill Austin..." I say in a breath out.

"Can you speak up, please? We don't have a mic on you?" Cressida begins to come annoying. " 'Thirteen is alive and well and so am I'!"

But I don't care. "He's gonna kill Austin..."

"Willow?"

"I can't..."

"You can do it, Willow."

"I can't do this..."

After Gale encourages me, I look down when Cressida speaks up.

" 'Thirteen is alive and well and so am I'!"

"He's just gonna keep... he's never gonna stop..."

Haymitch and Finnick rush towards me. The latter just stands to the side but my mentor pulls me into a hug.

"Cressida, we should cut the cameras!"

Meanwhile, Haymitch says to me. "It's okay, sweetheart-"

"No, he warned me, he warned me about this," I say, crying now. "He's doing this because I'm the Mockingjay. He's punishing Austin to punish me. No... I can't do this..."

"Willow-" Cressida begins.

"DON'T. Make. Me do this!" I shout, walking back to where we came out.

"Let her go!" Boggs says, as an outraged Cressida appeals to him with a look.

I run back underground, desperately looking for somewhere to be alone. Somewhere to run from all my troubles.

Needless to say, that won't work.