𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐆𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐋𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐢𝐭 𝐀𝐥𝐥
ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ
𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘸 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳
𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗮𝘂

     𝐉𝐉 is sitting alone in her office, hunched over the desk with her eyes trained on the files, but she's not focused. She stares at the words and photographs, but her mind is elsewhere, thinking of Emily. She has buried herself in work, but she feels out of place on the team.

She's completed the training and experience to become a profiler. She never thought she'd want to move up, but it was easy considering how much she wanted to be distracted. In a way, she felt like she had to step up to take Emily's place, the guilt eating her from the inside out.

Everything reminds her of what she's taken away from Noah. When she plays with her son, takes him to the park, and tucks her son in at night, all she can think about is Noah. All the things that she missed out on as a child, she's missing again. All the time that she and Emily were making up for, they can no longer do so. And JJ feels like it's her fault.

She wonders if she could have done more. Had she been there quicker, they could have saved Emily, she wouldn't have had to fight alone.

"You coming?"

JJ jumps at the sudden presence in her doorway. She looks up and sees Derek leaning against the frame.

"Hey," JJ says as she sighs. "Y-yeah, just a minute."

"You okay?" he asks.

"I'm fine," she replies and shows a smile.

Derek can see right through it, but he doesn't say anything. He lets her take a moment and waits for her with the rest of the team by the elevator.

𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗽 𝗮𝗰𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗺𝘆

Noah sits on the bench across from her locker. All the girls around her are joking around and talking about their races. She's the only sophomore on the Varsity A team, so she doesn't know any of the girls other than Casey, who everyone knows.

Most of the girls are nice, but Noah is too in her own head to talk to them anyway. Her leg bounces as she puts her headphones on and drowns everyone out with her loud music.

The rhythm of the drums matches her heartbeat as she steadies her nerves. She loses herself in the sound of the rock song, closing her eyes as she bows her head. Everyone moves around her, but she's completely still.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Hm?" Noah asks as she takes her headphones off.

"You okay?" Casey asks. "You seem nervous."

"I'm good."

"C'mon," Casey says as she nods towards the exit of the locker room. "We're walking out. You can walk with me."

Noah stands and hangs her headphones on the hook in her locker. She shuts it and spins the lock before walking with Casey. They head down the long sidewalk that leads to the football field. All Noah can think about is all the times when she's walked down it with Jess on their way to lunch. She can practically feel Jess' hand in hers with each step, guiding her through the new experience.

"We'll just go onto the field, grab our numbers, and then the races will start," Casey explains. "But you'll be last, so you'll have plenty of time to warm up and get yourself ready."

"Okay," Noah nods along. "Where do I see when I need to line up?"

"There's heat sheets all around, if you can't find one, just ask Coach and she'll have one for you to look at."

Noah continues to nod and feels Casey pat her shoulder.

"You're gonna be fine," she assures her. "You'll get the hang of it in no time."

They get closer to the field and Noah takes in the setup. There are tables and tents on the field for each of the teams. Along the gates that surround the track, all the parents and other students are standing and cheering as the teams make their entrance. There are some bleachers on the side that people are sitting at as well. Noah eyes the crowd, wondering, if anyone, who showed up.

She walks onto the field with the rest of her team. They head to a table to pick up their race bibs, Noah scanning for her name. She eventually finds hers and stares at the number. 1012, her mother's birthday. Another reminder that the day is nearing, but she won't be there for it. Before she can get emotional about it, she hears loud cheering from the parents section.

"Oh my God," Noah mumbles under her breath as she sees the team standing at the gate with foam fingers and pompoms, waving them in the air as they shout and holler.

"Who's crew is that?" one of her team members, Allie, jokes as she elbows Noah's arm.

Noah shakes her head and turns to the girl. "No idea," she lies and walks to the warmup area.

They do stretches while the other school teams get their numbers. Noah follows the stretches until she feels good. She walks them off and fixes her spandex shorts as she gets a drink of water, talking to a few of her teammates at the table until it's time for the meet to start.

"Alright, girls, gather around!" Casey announces to the Varsity A team. "First meet of the season! Don't sweat it, just relax and do what you do best. Every single one of you are great runners and the other teams have nothing on any of you!"

The crowd of kids cheer and Noah looks around with a soft smile. Casey continues to hype the team up before they break and either warm up or get ready to line up for their races. Noah's running the mile, which is the last event of the meet. She warms up for a bit and cheers her teammates on, knowing that the coach encouraged them to be there for one another.

Noah watches her mother's team out of the corner of her eye. They're cheering for all the Levine runners and waiting patiently for Noah's race. She knows that they care and want to show her that they're always going to support her. She notices Jess walk up to Penelope, who puts an arm around her as they cheer the runners on.

Noah smiles to herself before turning to find out which heat she's in for her race. Her finger runs down the list until she realizes that they've put her in the second-to-last heat. She suddenly feels nervous as she assumes that most of her competitors will be upper-classmen.

Noah stands beside the track, cheering her teammates on as the races continue. She watches her team become decorated with ribbon after ribbon. She starts to feel immense pressure on her chest as her team members set a winning precedent.

After a while, Noah's heat is coming up, meaning she needs to prepare to line up. She stands beside the track, feeling her chest cinch and her breaths become uneven. She watches the heat before hers finish and everyone cheers. They hand out the ribbons to the top three as the volunteers tell Noah and the rest of her heat to line up.

Noah walks up to the middle lane, standing right behind the white line. She stretches her legs one last time and shakes the nerves out of her arms. All of her friends and the team are cheering, but she doesn't hear them. She kneels down and lines her feet up on the starting block, steadying herself as she hears the announcer tell them to get ready.

She waits for the starter pistol to fire, but it feels like time slows down. All of the noise and chaos is drowned by the confidence that overtakes her doubts. She pointedly looks up at the brick-red pavement through her brows.

"Take your mark," a voice says beside her, crashing into her confidence like a train.

"Please, not now," Noah whispers as she avoids eye contact with her father.

"C'mon, you thought I wouldn't come to cheer you on?"

"I really hoped you wouldn't," she mutters.

"I know you can do this, Noah," he says with a hopeful glint in his eye. "For me, kid."

Noah rolls her eyes and lifts herself up, hearing the pistol fire and immediately taking off. She surges forward with the pack, her legs pumping with the familiar burn she has grown to embrace in training. The first lap flies by, and she finds herself in the middle of the pack, her breathing steady, her focus locked. As the second lap comes, she notices the frontrunners pulling ahead, but she keeps her pace, waiting for the right moment to push harder.

By the third lap, fatigue begins to creep in, but Noah clenches her fists, her fingernails digging into her palm. The words of her coach echo in her mind: "You don't need to win every lap, just finish strong." With the final lap looming, she takes a deep breath and kicks into gear. Her legs feel like lead, but she pushes through the pain, inching past the runners ahead of her. In the last lap, Noah sprints with everything she has left, the roar of the crowd drowning out her own gasps for air.

Nearing the finish line, Noah doesn't stop pushing. Until the very last second, she moves quickly, crossing the hard white line. She turns and sees everyone just now taking the curve. Her mind comes back to her body and she realizes how fast she went as her chest heaves up and down.

Noah walks off the exhaustion and waits for everyone else to finish. When they do, she walks towards the grass, seeing her father waiting for her.

"I'm not doing this for you," she says, the apparition of her father disappears and she just sees all of her new friends cheering for her.

Noah steps onto the podium and smiles as her coach hands her a blue ribbon. The crowd cheers and Noah pins the ribbon to her jersey as she looks out at the team and Jess. She steps down from the podium, feeling lots of pats on the shoulder and hearing her teammates congratulating her as she walks to the water station.

"Good job, Prentiss," Allie chimes and gives Noah a high-five. "Those crazy people were cheering so loud for you."

Noah smiles wide and looks back at the team of profilers with their pompoms and loud whistles. "Yeah...those crazy people are my family."

Allie chuckles with an expression of shock as Noah grabs her water bottle. She quenches her dry throat and makes her way over to the crowd before the next heat starts. She hears her name being called loudly with the sound of claps and cheers.

"You guys are crazy!" Noah giggles.

"No, you're crazy!" Penelope exclaims. "That was amazing! You should have seen yourself. All those girls looked so chill and then bam! Here you come, barreling over them and stealing first place!"

Noah giggles at Penelope's rambling and her expressive hand gestures. She can't help the smirk that paints her lips as she sees her favorite blonde lunging for a hug. Noah catches Jess' arms around her neck and embraces her waist tightly.

"You were so far ahead," the blonde chimes and pulls away to look into Noah's eyes. "I knew you could do it," she adds with a kiss to Noah's warm cheek.

"Thank you," Noah beams and sees Penelope impatiently waiting for a hug. "Thank you for coming," she adds, looking at the school's colors in stripes of face paint on Penelope's cheeks.

"We wouldn't miss it for the world," Penelope says as they clutch onto each other.

The teen embraces each member of the team, the last one being JJ. She is sort of shocked to see her here, seeing as Noah had to ask Spencer to invite JJ on her behalf because she hasn't seen her in a while.

"She'd be so proud of you," JJ whispers.

Noah pulls away from JJ's arms and nods silently. She tells them that she has to go change and they choose a place to meet.

Noah turns and heads up the sidewalk toward the locker room. With every step, her smile fades as she glances down at the royal blue ribbon pinned to her shirt. She looks up at the clear blue sky as a cool breeze brushes across her cheeks. A tear betrays her and slips down her cheek, exposing her strong facade. She's trying so hard to hold on, but everything inside her is waiting to escape.

Her pace slows as her head hangs low, the weight of her thoughts pulling her down. She tries to swallow the lump in her throat, but she can't help the whirlwind in her mind.

When Noah enters the locker room, she sees a few of the girls getting changed. One of them tries to reach out to her, but she smiles and holds her hand out, gesturing that she's fine. She heads straight to a bathroom stall, locking it behind her before she crumbles.

This was supposed to be a winning moment, and it was, but to Noah, it's not. It's just another reminder that life kept turning without her mother, even though she never thought it would. It's a moment that she dreamed her mother would be there for, cheering in the stands, and waiting for her at the end with open arms. Emily would hug her tightly, no matter how sweaty she was, and whisper how proud she was of Noah.

For now, the win is small, minimized by the great weight of what she's lost. She leans against the bathroom wall, her face in her hands as she cries to herself. She silently trembles and puts her hand over her throat in an attempt to silence her hiccups and sharp breaths.

After a few minutes, she gathers herself and unpins the bib off her jersey. She opens the stall door and walks out, ripping the paper and throwing it in the trash. She goes to her locker, sniffling as she takes deep breaths to relax. She grabs her clothes and quickly changes before the rest of the girls crowd the locker room.

With fresh clothes and her eyes rinsed with cold sink water, she forces the grief aside, leaving it at the door, but knowing that the loss of Emily will always follow her around.