𝐃𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐌𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐳𝐲?
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘺
𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗽 𝗮𝗰𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗺𝘆

𝐍𝐨𝐚𝐡'𝐬 heart races with her mind, which is shouting at her to go faster. Her feet pound the pavement while her body seems to glide through the hot August air. She pushes herself as she rounds the last corner of the track. It's just a straight sprint from here, but the three laps from before have exhausted her.

She pushes herself to keep going, knowing that she can't stop when she's tired, only when she's done. She can't slow down, she can't give up, she can't disappoint Emily.

As she nears the white line, she slows her stride down to a walk.

"And time," Ian says as he presses the button of the timer. "You slowed down at the end."

"Why are you here?" she asks as she sits on the bench to drink some water.

"This is how you push yourself?" he says, ignoring her questions. "I guess that isn't shocking, seeing that you were too weak to save your mother."

"Yeah because I could have gone against you and all your men," she says sarcastically as she faces him.

"Maybe if you knew how to push yourself, it wouldn't sound so unbelievable."

Noah looks down at her tennis shoes through narrowed eyes as she grits her teeth. She tries to make him go away, to rid herself of him, but his persistent nature keeps him around. She looks up and sees him standing in front of her with his arms crossed.

"If I chased you, would you run faster?" he asks.

Noah rolls her eyes and stands up. She takes one last sip of her water and throws it to the side. She walks back onto the track and takes a few deep breaths. At the start line, she bends down, making sure her laces are snug. She extends her back legs, swaying back and forth until she's ready to take off.

And just like that, her body leaps forward and her feet instinctively find a pace that she's comfortable with. But something changes and she moves faster. Her feet become lighter, her strides longer, and her arms move swiftly with each step. She wraps around the track, never slowing down. Her throat becomes dry and she ignores the pounding of her heart.

On the second curve of the last lap, she thinks about slowing down. Her body tries to shut down, but her mind tells her to keep going. She thinks about why she started, which pushes her to finish. Emily would have wanted this, she thinks. She would have wanted me to keep going.

Noah zips past the finish line, not slowing down until she's past it. She tries to walk it off, but she bends over and releases her breakfast into the grass. She coughs and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She takes a few steps away, but her legs give out and she falls on the concrete. She rests her head in her hands and after a few deep breaths, pushes her hands through her hair, messing up her ponytail.

"Now, that's how you finish," Ian says as he claps. "That was a six-and-a-half minute run."

"Why are you here?" she groans. "These things are supposed to make you go away."

"What things?"

"Me running," she says as she looks up at him. "Going out with friends, being back at school, talking to my therapist, moving on! Why are you still here?!"

"Because you're asking me to be!" Ian shouts.

"No!" she shouts back. "You're not real! I don't want you here!"

"You do!" he yells and Noah remains silent. "If you didn't, I'd be nothing more than a shadow, a ghost in the background. I'm watching you and you know I am. But you're wondering why I haven't done anything," he continues as he crouches down to face her. "I'm here because a part of you can't let me go. And you know that if you saw your mother instead of me, you wouldn't let go of her either."

"Don't talk like I'm crazy—"

"You're the only one who sees me," he says softly, trying to help her understand her own illusions. "I say what your mind wants me to tell you. You're punishing yourself and you're using me to do it."

"You don't mean anything to me. If I wanted to punish myself, I would see Emily."

Noah gets up and walks towards the gate with wobbly legs. She walks up the sidewalk that leads back to the school. There, she finds one of the WITSEC agents, who walks her to the car. She doesn't turn back, pushing forward as she tries to move on and shake the feeling of her father's eyes on her.

𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗸'𝘀 𝗮𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁

"Hey," Derek says as he greets me."You're late."

"Sorry," Noah replies as she throws her keys on the table and goes to take a shower. Although, it has to be a quick one because when she comes out of the bathroom, there's a knock on the door.

"Noah," Derek calls out to her. "Doctor's here."

The teen watches as Dr. Stephenson comes into the apartment. She greets him and Derek heads back to the BAU so they can have some privacy. Noah sits on the couch and Dr. Stephenson finds his place in the armchair, making their own office setting in the comfort of her home.

"How are you?" Dr. Stephenson asks as he pulls his notepad out.

"I'm okay," she replies.

"What's the update on the track team?"

"Uhm, trying to practice for it. It's been okay."

"Do you still feel like you want to do it?" he asks.

"Yeah, I think so," she answers with a genuine voice. "It's something my mom pushed me to do."

"Do you think this is helping you in the grieving process?"

Noah thinks for a moment. "I think it's good that I'm doing something for her. I knew she thought it would be good for me, so it's helping in that way too."

"How about building your connections again?" he asks as he writes something down.

"Mmm," she hums as she thinks. "I've gotten better with Derek. We communicate more, but not really about my feelings. That kind of always ends up in some sort of argument. But I know it's just my grief and his grief clashing."

"Do you feel like you can trust him?"

"I think so," she nods. "My mom did, so I do too. It's just hard to open up about her to him. I feel like he's given up so much for me and...I've barely thanked him. But he's been there for me more than anyone."

"How so?"

"Well, Penelope comes over a lot and I talk to her. She calls me sometimes too and I try to always make myself answer. Jess also sees me as much as she can and she puts everything aside to check on me," she answers but pauses for a moment. "But JJ doesn't visit me that often. Spencer doesn't much either."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I don't know," she shrugs. "I know they care, but sometimes, I have this feeling that I'm inconsolable. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe they think it's a chore just to see me. Maybe I ask for too much."

"Why would that make you crazy?"

"Because I think I am," she mutters.

"What makes you say that?"

"Sometimes..." she trails off for a moment. "I see him."

"Him?"

"My father," she admits, letting go of the insecurity. "He talks to me, tells me stories from his childhood. And then I think we're more alike than I thought. I wonder if I'll turn out like him, if I'll feel the urges that he does. I have the same yearning for trouble that he did, so when will mine turn into what his did? And then I remember...he's not real. The stories he tells me, the reasons he gives...they're made up. I'm making them up. I'm trying to make him a good person in my head."

"What does he say?"

"He says that my mother was his revenge. That he needed to kill her to make up for what happened to his father. That he wouldn't let anyone disrespect his family," Noah explains but stops as she thinks she sounds insane.

"Why do you think that you're only seeing his perspective of the situation?"

"Maybe because I don't understand why he did it."

"But what truly matters? Him or your mother?"

Noah looks down at her lap as she thinks to herself. "My mom," she mutters.

"So, why are you only thinking about his experience?"

The teen crumbles as reality hits her, shattering her fragile heart. "I'm scared that she was wrong," she begins to cry, her chin quivering. "She got too close to him and it was a mistake. I know in her head that it was a mistake. And all I can think about is the fact that I was the product of the mistake. And we never had the chance to talk about it."

"I don't think your mother would have ever deemed you a mistake," Dr. Stephenson says honestly. "I think you were the most important thing in the world to her. That's how you describe her to me."

Noah nods and smiles softly. "I know, I just wish we could've had...even just one more minute."

"The only reason you have this grief, these thoughts, the desire for more time is because you loved her. More than anyone else, anything else. And being in love takes a lot more than loving someone. When I first met you, you were scared of love. You thought you'd never be able to find it and be content with it. But here you are, loving. And that love that you feel for your mother will never go away. I promise."

𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗮𝘂

Derek peers down at a picture in his file with frustrated eyes. Aaron has been temporarily assigned to an investigative task force in Pakistan. The team doesn't know much about what he's doing, but Morgan has stepped up to take the lead. He sits in his new office, staring at the picture of Ian Doyle's son.

"Okay," Penelope says as she walks into his office. "Emily needed to get Declan a new identity, so she must have used someone she trusted."

"Alright, well, that's a short list," Derek replies as she sits down. "But it's probably not even written down. Even if it was, she's had contacts all over the world."

"Oh, tell me about it," she says as she hands him a file. "Two columns. Domestic and imports."

Before Derek can open the file, JJ appears in the doorway. "Hey," she says softly. "Have you guys seen Spence?"

"He's at the firing range," Penelope replies.

"Again?" JJ asks.

"Ever since Prentiss died, he..."

"Right," JJ mutters as her eyes flutter to the floor for a moment. "Did you guys get a new case?"

"Just an old one," Derek replies as he shrugs.

"Do you want some fresh eyes?" JJ offers her help.

"Not just yet," he replies.

"Okay, well, let me know," JJ says with a soft smile. As she turns to walk down the office, her smile falls. She may be new to profiling, but she can tell when someone is pushing her away.

"Shouldn't we tell her?" Penelope asks, feeling as though they've hurt JJ's feelings.

"Garcia, this has been a long shot for six months, why get her hopes up?"

"What about Hotch?"

"He knows I'm doing this," Derek says with a hint of hesitancy.

"He does?"

"Not technically, but he knows I'm not about to let Doyle roam free."

"Does he know we're looking for Declan?"

"I just figured I'd call him when I have something to report," Derek says honestly.

"Okay," Penelope nods. "But it feels weird not sharing."

"Babygirl," he says, making her look up at him. "You don't have to do this."

"I know," she assures him. "But I do actually. If it was Noah, which it also kind of is, I would drop everything. And maybe that's me being selfish, but I won't let Doyle try to manipulate his way into another kid's life, I just won't."

𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗸'𝘀 𝗮𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁

Noah sighs after closing the front door behind Dr. Stephenson. She looks at the time, knowing that Derek won't be back until after work. She walks around the small dining room table, seeing a stack of mail. She glances at it, noticing a postcard within the bills and annoying advertisements.

Noah picks up the postcard and furrows her brows. It's not addressed to anyone, but it has Derek's address on it. She flips it over and sees that it's from Paris. There's no note and the handwriting of the address is basic and waives abnormality.

Noah doesn't pay any more attention to it and puts it back with the rest of the mail. She heads to her bedroom and leaves the door open, seeing as she's the only one home. She lays down and hears Sergio jump up on the bed as well. She turns and grabs him, pulling him to sit on her stomach.

As she pets Sergio, she can almost feel her mother's presence. She can imagine her across the hall in their townhouse. Sometimes, when she closes her door, she feels like she's back. When she looks at all the things Emily provided for her and with Sergio in her lap, the warmth comes back and everything feels okay.